Caterina Valentine: My Life.

FlorMorada

I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Continuation of the previous chapter.

Enjoy. :]

NOTE:

"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.
"This writing" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.
"This writing" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.

-
Chapter Three
When I Die, Please Let Me See You

I felt my heart skip a beat as I saw Braden's face again. He was okay. Everything was fine.

He was only sleeping!

He had big, white wires on him though, from that machine-y thing… But he was fine.

I smiled, wiping the tears from my eyes. I jumped up and down a little. "Braden! Oh my God, I was so scared that something happened to you! I came home from school and you weren't there, and when I kept asking about you no one would tell me! But… But you're okay!"

Silence.

Just two sobs. One from Lilith, the other from my mom.

"Braden?" I put my hand onto his arm, shaking gently. "Braden, wake up! It's me! Cat!"

Silence. And more sobs.

"Braden…" I said in singsong. "It's me! Cat! Cat-e-riii-na!"

More silence. More sobs.

I frowned; I was kinda worried now. "Braden?" I said, shaking his arm again. "Why aren't you answering me? You always answer me - you wake up when I say something Spanish-y! 'Cause it makes me sound all funny and exotic! Remember?"

He still didn't reply. I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks again, but left them there. I came to a realization.

Oh. No.

"Oh, Braden! Braden, are you mad at me?" I said, feeling really bad all of a sudden. I mean, I don't think I'd done anything to make him mad, but… He was Braden! He could take a lot of things in the wrong way. Seriously, we did not go past a single day without him yelling, 'What's that supposed to mean?!' But. What if I had done something this time?

"Did I do something bad, Braden? Is that why you don't want to wake up and answer me?"

Silence. Sobs. And not just from my mother and sister, now from me as well.

"Braden! I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry if I've made you mad! I, I won't do it again, just please still talk to me! Don't not talk to me, Braden!"

"He… He can't, sweetie," I heard my mom say, before she burst into tears once again.

I sniffed, wiping my nose. "I know, because he's mad at me, but," I shook his arm again, "I'm sorry, Braden! I'm really sorry!"

"No, Caterina, he can't," Lilith shouted to me. "He literally can't! He can't and he never will again!"

"No! No, don't say that, Lilith!" I hit my fist to her as I said each word. Unbelievably, she didn't even hit me back. She just fell to ground, leaning against the bed, still crying.

"Braden!"

"He's… He's asleep, honey," my mom whispered, looking down.

"Well, then," I shouted, tugging on his arm this time, "wake up! Wake up, Braden, wake up!" I reached to his leg and shook him harder. "Please, Braden! Wake up! Now!"

"Oh, Cat." my mom said, sobbing loudly now. "He can't! Cat, he can't!"

I then screamed at the top of my lungs to get her to stop. For both her and my sister to stop! To stop saying that! No, Braden always wake up! He can never… Not wake up!

"Braden!" I screamed, crying and jumping up and down. "Braden, wake up, now!"

Silence. Still!

My mom and sister weren't even crying anymore, they were just on the ground with their head in their hands, but I could see the tears still falling from their eyes.

I couldn't take it.

I let out another scream, shaking my head. W- why was no one explaining to me properly? "Tell me! Just tell me! What do you mean, Braden 'can't wake up'? No! You're lying! You're, you're lying! "

Silence.

I was in hysterics now. I screamed again, my head now hurting from crying so hard and yelling so much. But why? Why wouldn't Braden wake up?

Suddenly, I saw the doors that me and Lilith had come through in swing open, and a man and lady in dark blue hospital clothes ran in.

"We're here," the man said into a phone looking thing on his shoulder. "No, we just guessed which room, to be honest. We could hear the kid from all the way across the hall."

The lady then turned to the man. "This is… You know, Mr. Valentine…"

"Right." The man walked towards me.

"No!" I screamed, my throat now feeling raw. "G-go away! Just tell me whatever Lilith and Mommy aren't telling me, and wake Braden up for me! Please!"

The lady then walked forwards too. "I'm sorry, I know," she said softly, before attempting to pick me up.

I violently shook my head, before screaming again, probably the loudest and high-pitched so far.

'Know'? She.. she didn't know! How could she know if I didn't know! Why my mom was crying? Why even Lilith was crying? Why, why Braden wasn't waking up? Of course she didn't know!

The lady managed to get me into her grasp, and I punched her, and I kicked her, and I even managed to leave a light scratch mark on her face, but it was useless. I heard her sigh, before the man came up closer to me.

I suddenly felt a sharp, painful prick in my left arm, and instantly felt my body go weak.

"I'm sorry, kiddo," the lady said once more, gripping me tighter in her arms. "I'm really sorry."

And then everything went black.

...

"I only found this out from my sister a couple of days later, but. It was a sedative which that man had injected me with. Apparently, the busy hospital staff, as well as quite a few patients, had complained about my screaming and sent both those workers up. I was having a panic attack, I guess. They had to sedate me to calm my body down.

Anyway… I also found out what that 'machine-y thing' was. With what seemed like thousands of wires, all attached to my brother.

It was life support.

Braden… he'd suffered severe brain damage.

There were these two boys at Braden's new school. Tom and Mike; those was their names. Braden had spoken to us about them for a while; how they were really kind and stuff, and let him sit at their lunch table, and always hung out with him at recess.

My mom had been a little worried at first. Of course, at aged seven, I, like, didn't get why. Braden was only making friends. Proper friends, not just me and my mom. But, obviously, I get it now. Autism… It kinda makes it hard to make friends. No one likes people who're 'different'. So it was hard to tell if Tom and Mike really wanted to be Braden's friends. I'd thought they did. My mom had thought they didn't.

She'd been right, I guess.

I don't think I was ever really meant to find out, you know. But Tom and Mike obviously confessed. Plus, my mom talks too loud on the phone. Ha.

On the Monday of that week, when it all really started… Braden had gone to school completely as normal. Travelled there with my mom, amazingly happy, excited to see those. 'Friends' of his. And at recess…

Tom leaned behind Braden's back, looking to his annoying-follower-but-best-friend-anyway partner in crime, and snickered quietly. Mike just looked back at him, eyebrows raised, before obviously catching on. He smirked, before leaning forwards to be next to Braden once again. Both the boys smiled at him.

They asked my brother if he wanted to play dares.

"Cat said that dares can be dangerous," Braden said, looking to the two other boys in seriousness. "I don't think we should."

Mike chuckled uncertainly. "Um, what?"

Tom raised an eyebrow. "Wait, Cat?" he questioned. Braden nodded, and he just scoffed in response. Mike burst out laughing. "Your sister? Er, hello, what the hell does she know?" Tom criticized. "She's, like, seven!"

Braden stood up, glaring at the two boys still sat on the bench. "I trust Cat," he said firmly. "I don't care what her age is."

"But, you see, the thing is," Tom started, standing up as Mike did also, "Cat's a girl. And girls are nasty, gross. Fairy princess loving people who always want to ruin boys' fun."

"I don't think Cat's nasty or gross. And neither is Mom. And Lilith hates fairies and princesses, especially if it's Cat talking about them."

Mike sighed. "I thought you were our friend, Bray. Another bro." He gestured to himself and Tom. "I mean, like."

"I am your friend."

"Well then, come play dares with us if you're our friend, Braden."

And Braden agreed. Of course he was Tom and Mike's friend. For the first time in his life, apart from me and my mom, he'd felt accepted. By these two 'friends' of his. And he didn't want to throw that friendship away. So he'd agreed.

And it started off with simple dares. To swallow a worm and eat mud. To scare some of the girls and take their lecturing, harsh words as a consequence. Sounding the fire alarm to get everyone out of class, then sneaking back in and writing something bad on the whiteboard. Simple stuff.

But then. That Thursday came. And so did Braden's fourth dare.

To hang, for twenty seconds… from the top floor balcony.

"Isn't that dangerous?" Braden asked, looking to his two friends worriedly.

"Of course it is!" Mike said happily, resulting in Braden being slightly confused.

"He means," Tom explained, "that dangerous dares are all part of the fun!"

"I don't think my sister... or my mom would like me doing that."

Both Tom and Mike sighed. "So you don't wanna have fun?"

"Of course I do."

"So take up your dare and go hang!"

So… My brother followed them up to the top of the school. And Tom managed to unlock the door that lead to the balcony. And the two boys stood back, while Braden walked forward.

And… He gripped the metal balcony bar. Before jumping up. He swung one leg over. And then the other. Until he was propped on top with his legs dangling. He twisted himself round. And then grabbed onto the metal balcony bar again. Though, now…

His whole body was dangling.

"You hangin' from it, Bray?" Tom shouted from a few meters behind.

"Y- yeah…"

"Alright! Twenty seconds, yeah?"

"Um, yeah."

"Cool! Well then…" Tom and Mike began to count, "nineteen… eighteen…"

And he stayed there. Swinging. Forty feet high in the air.

For seventeen seconds.

Because on the third to last second.

His hand slipped.

And his terrified, screaming body fell from that balcony, to forty feet below, onto the hard, concrete playground.

Not breathing.

And the ambulance was called, and they rushed him to that hospital, and they did checks over his body… And face… And brain.

And they realized his brain was damaged. Permanently.

So, um, yeah… Life support it was! Which I didn't know at the time, obviously. It's probably best I didn't too. The whole 'deciding whether not to keep it on' would have been so confusing for me. My mom knew the only real option was to turn it off, but I wouldn't have got that. Just because he'd still be 'alive' wouldn't mean he'd still be there.

He wouldn't walk again.

He wouldn't talk again.

He wouldn't be my best friend Braden anymore.

And yeah, the 'machine-y thing' would have kept him breathing. But what would've been the point?

He was already dead.

Braden was more than just a brother to me. He was someone to constantly entertain me. For me to look up to, and aspire to, and want to be like. Braden. He was my everything. I loved, and still love my big brother more than I love myself.

Obviously. Why would I want to love myself?

Maybe me committing will finally give me a chance to see him again.

But I'm not sure. Braden was a good person. He was nice to everyone; to me, to my mom - even to Lilith. But me. I'm a bad person. And a disappointment. And a failure. I'm not worthy of anything.

Braden's probably ended up someplace nice in Heaven, but I know I'll be going to the darkest corner of Hell.

I'll kill myself there countless times there too though, if it means that after one death, I'll get into Heaven. To see Braden.

I'd do anything to see him again.

He's the only one who's ever really loved me, I guess."

Beta-d version. Thank you again, Trypophobica. You guys should check out her stuff, by the way. Not for 'happy ending' lovers, though. A Demented Lament: The Story of Six Sinners? Very dark.

But hey, nothing's interesting without pain, right?

(Shh, it's Trypophobica, in these parentheses! I can't believe Demi put me in here! I feel special now.)

Please review. :]

FlorMorada.