Caterina Valentine: My Life.
FlorMorada
I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Okay, I know the last chapter said "back in September" but looks like it's now the end of the following year's May…yeah…sorry?
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NOTE:
"This writing" is in 'real life'.
"This writing" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.
"This writing" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.
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Chapter Four
When Bad's Gone to WorsT.
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"Hey, guys… Second story. 'Numero dos.' Side 'C'.
Um…so I'm guessing you guys all know about Braden now? You should. If you're going through these in the right order.
Anyway…new story. A story about my mom.
...Yes, guys, that 'nice lady', who baked oatmeal and raisin cookies and took us out on weekends and invited you to our house and, André, threw that welcome party in the auditorium when you started our school in second grade.
Yeah, yeah. That 'nice lady'.
I don't call her a 'nice lady'.
I call her a bitch.
…My mother is one of the reasons why I am going to commit as soon as I'm done recording these tapes for you guys.
Why? When I was eight and a half and my sister was sixteen, my mother couldn't deal with us, so, well…left. She abandoned us.
Abandoned me.
I mean, thanks, Mom. You have been successful in becoming a reason as to why Caterina Valentine wants to kill herself. You're yet another reason to prove to me that my life really just isn't worth living anymore.
That it obviously never even was."
…
"Lilith?" I tug on my sister's arm. I'm eight-going-on-nine and it's summer – I swear I should be growing? I'm still 'second grade level' short. Having a tall, scary sister tower over you is annoying. "Lilith, what happened?"
I resist the urge to add 'this time'.
My mother and her are obviously in the middle of another argument.
"Well, Caterina," Lilith starts, staring at a bottle on the coffee table. She grabs an envelope from a pile of letters and holds it in front of my face. It's so close; I can barely make our own address. "Ask Mother what has happened."
I push the envelope back a bit. There are ones of those small, transparent rectangle thingies, so I can see what's on the first line.
'Dear Ms. O'Brian,
Regrettably, we are forced to repossess the five items of furniture we delivered to you on June 30 2012, due to your failure to pay the $2,399.35 you owe from them.'
I frown, shaking my head; I have no idea what this even means. "Mommy, what does it mean by," I look down to the letter again, "'failure…to pay'?"
My mother, sat on the sofa, looks up and smiles at me. "Nothing, sweetie, it's-"
Lilith snatches the envelope from my hands. "It's not nothing, it means that our mom's bought stuff she hasn't paid off. She's got bills she hasn't paid either." Lilith flings the envelope across the room. "Stuff could be repossessed, and it's 'cause the money's spent on alcohol."
My mother's smile widens. Even with my, as Lilith says, 'irritatingly naïve' personality, I can see how fake it is… I don't know what repossessed means but whatever is going on, my mom doesn't want me to know. "Don't listen to her, Cat," she begins, "she doesn't know what she's talking abou-"
"I don't know?" Lilith's face begins to flush. "Yeah, says the screwed-up alcoholic."
My mom stands up, and walks closer to my sister. "It's not like you're not the fucking same!"
...
It's then that I put both hands to my ears to block out my mother's...curse word. Not once had I heard my mother swear; she never swore! I hated bad words, and she knew that, yet, that day, she'd sworn right in front of me.
Showed how much she cared about my feelings.
My mom had already hurt my feelings that day. My music teacher had told me the previous day that I had 'incredible' vocal ability, and I should consider taking my 'musical talents' further, so I (only just about) explained to my mother about Hollywood Arts.
She'd told me that 'those singing people' were 'just stupid'. I'd just kept quiet – I already knew all her answers would have been no.
But the 'just stupid part', that hurt.
...
My sister swings the bottle from the table in front of my mother's face, and it's then I realise that it is wine.
"I drink, Mom," she says, "I have drunk...I'm not an alcoholic!"
My mother just rolls her eyes.
"And even if I was, Mom, how could you say that? 'It's not like you're not the fucking same.' 'It's not like you're not the fucking-"
Lilith cries out, almost laughing to herself in anger.
"Mom, do you hear yourself? That's what a child would say to their own parent; accuse them of doing something that they themselves were told not to do, not the other way round!"
My mom sits down. "Lilith! Can't you just leave it? If you're so concerned, we can talk tomorrow! Right now, just go-"
"No, Mother!" Lilith shouts back. "If you do not understand…our whole house could soon be repossessed." She turns to me. "Taken away, that means, Caterina!"
Our house could be…taken away from us? That can't happen, can it?
"Stop worrying your sister, Lilith," my mom says, before reaching forwards towards me.
I step away from her and inch towards my sister.
"See?" Lilith exclaims, pulling me closer. "She comes to me. She knows what's right, Mom, she knows I'm right!"
My mother's face turns into an annoyed frown. "Lilith, Cat's eight years old. She doesn't understand half the stuff we're talking about right now, let alone know what and who's ri-"
I feel my eyes widen in shock. "Mom, I 'understand' just fine. Our house could be taken away because you keep on buying this," I point to the alcohol bottle, "and becauseof your 'failure to pay'! I don't know who's right, but I know you're sure not."
Lilith lets out a, "told you."
My mom groans. She stands up from the sofa. "Okay then, you told me; thank you! What a wonderful teller you are, Mom."
Lilith just stares at my mother, before chuckling dryly. "Yeah. I'd be a better mother than you are."
…
"And, this is where it goes from bad..."
…
My mom stops. "Excuse me?"
Lilith smirks. "Yeah. I would."
…
"To worst.
…It just completely skips 'worse'."
…
"I already am a better mother than you are, Mom!" Lilith shouts to her. "Who do you think replaces Caterina's peanut butter jars when you're busy replacing your alcohol bottles?"
"So you can stop at Wal-Mart?" she retorts, "good for you! Try looking after an eight year old…singing brat, a sixteen year old slut of a daughter," my sister's eyes widen, "and deal with your eleven year old son's death! Then tell me you'd be a 'better mother'!"
My mom…she just called Lilith…a slut. And, me…
A 'singing brat'.
What comes out next, I don't even realise I'm capable of uttering, but I'll just have to be; the word's already slipping from my mouth. "Bitch," I shout, and I hear the slap before I feel it, silencing as soon as my mother's hand swipes across my cheek.
...
"When my mom hit me that day…I was stunned. Not with pain or anything, I mean, the slap wasn't even that hard.
I was just stunned with shock.
No one had ever hit me before, and my mom's the last person I'd ever expected to lay a finger on me.
It just made me feel…unloved by her, really – she'd hit me. Just proof that she really didn't give a shit about the mother she was anymore; about my feelings.
About me."
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For the first time months, Lilith grabs onto my hand. She locks her fingers with mine. "Don't. Don't touch her."
"Don't tell me what to not do with my daughter."
Lilith stares at my mother. "You are a bitch, Mom! She's right; you are a bitch."
...
And it goes on. My mom and my sister kept shouting, I kept yelling, crying. Hours went by; I soon had no idea what the two were even arguing about. But then, I remember it going silent; my mom stopping, my sister, me. And my mom asking me a question.
A question that, well, changed…
Everything.
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"Do you think Mommy is a good mommy, Cat?"
What?
I look up at my mother. Why's she asking…why is my mom asking me this?
Lilith, this time, asks again. "Caterina...what do you think of our mother?"
For a long moment, my mother's face is expressionless. My sister then breaks the silence.
"Caterina, just say it...I need a straight answer. I can't stand how Mom thinks it's okay to be like this; I need her to know the truth. Is this woman, Caterina, our mom, do you feel proud to call her 'mommy'? Is she a good mother? She already knows my answer…but the woman loves you, Caterina. She'll go with whatever you say. So…is she a good mother, Caterina? Yes…or no?"
…Everything's on me.
And despite the extreme pressure I'm under right now, of course I have a 'straight answer'…I've had a 'straight answer' for a year.
I shake my head, 'no'.
My mother's a bad mother.
I look up again at my mom, and the look in her eyes almost breaks me. She looks so upset… But she asked for the truth! They both did!
My mom bends down and wraps her arms around me. I hear her sniff. "Okay. Thank you. Goodnight, Cat."
I pull away, distraught and confused, looking at the clock on the far wall. "Um…it's seven thirty, Mommy."
"Oh…much too late," my mom replies. "Off to bed, sweetie." She leans down and kisses my hair.
"Mommy…"
"Go up, Cat. I…I love you, okay?"
I turn and begin to walk up the stairs. "I love you," my mother repeats again.
I face her once more, and smile at her. But I don't say the same too.
I would…usually.
But after hearing her swear, and feeling her slap me, and listening to her call me a…singing brat, and realising just how bad a mother my mom really is…
Me loving her? I guess I'm not so sure that.
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"Caterina, up."
I feel somethinghitting my shoulder, and open my eyes to see Lilith standing over me. I look to my window and can see the light shining through the curtain. It's morning.
"Get up. Get up, get up."
I rub my eyes, and slowly sit up in my bed. I frown at my sister. "Lilith, why? It's summer vacation."
She sighs, pulling me up out of the bed and throwing the cover over again. "Because I need to go out, and I'm not leaving you alone, so you're coming with."
Home alone? Well, yeah, I basically am 'home alone' with my mother here but Lilith's never been concerned about that before. I look up at her, raising an eyebrow.
"Um, Mommy..?" I say.
Lilith twists a ring around her finger. "Yeah. Mom's gone."
...What?
She sighs. "Yes, gone, no, I don't know where, and no, I don't know when or if she'll be back…before you ask."
I…I can't speak.
"Hopefully, she'll go to rehab or something. Woman needs mental help."
Despite having no idea what my sister's just said, I don't even ask her to explain. I can't anyway; I'm too…I can't even…my mom's…she's gone? But...
What?!
"Caterina," Lilith starts, proving having read my mind, "you proved to her yesterday that she really is a shit mother, and she got the hint that she's not needed. So…she's gone. Left last night."
"What-"
"I know. Shocking, right?"
I stare at my sister. A smirk plays on her lips. "I can't say it's a…pleasure to be caring for you now, but it sure beats living with her. Or in a prison cell like my dad. So it's gonna be just us two for now. Okay?"
I gulp and finally manage to open my mouth to speak, so slowly I'm surprised it's even coherent. "She's…Mommy's…gone?"
"I told you. Yes."
Before even realising, I find myself rushing forward, flailing my fists against my sister's body. "It's, it's because of you, Lilith!" I scream at her, "it's all because of you! You, always fighting with her!"
My sister laughs and shoves me away. "Um, Caterina?" She chuckles dryly. "We'd been fighting like that for a year! She didn't leave then, did she? It was you telling her she's a bad mother that really got inside her head."
...Me? But that means...
Lilith ruffles my hair, but I quickly step back from her.
"You're the one who made her leave, girl," she smiles.
No.
"It was you."
…NO.
"Now, get ready." My sister turns around, and begins to walk towards the bedroom door. "I want your ass downstairs in ten."
She slams it behind her. I sit back down on my bed.
My mom is…gone.
And it's all because of me.
…
I blamed myself for my mom leaving that night. I still do.
I always will.
I was obviously so worthless that my own mother wanted to leave me, that's why I'm committing. It hurts, you know, a lot. Yeah, her life was hard, but she just couldn't get over her addiction and actually work on me and my sister's life? It's just...I mean, do you know how that makes me feel? To know I wasn't worth that?
It fucking…hurts.
...I just realised.
Me killing myself is basically doing exactly what my mom did...'leaving' because I just can't take life anymore. I'm leaving her, just like she left me… Ironic.
Ha, thanks, Mom. Looks like you've inspired me, huh?
Though, my mom only left for, like, a few hundred days.
When I 'leave'…
I'll be gone forever."
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Don't talk like that, Cat...makes me all feel sad.
Review if you're mad at my eight month late update. :)
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FlorMorada.