5. Not your fault

Elliot insists on taking Olivia home before he returns to the station to finish the paperwork on Elise's case. Munch has taken Fin out to follow up on the security footage and he hopes to find out soon who Elise's attacker is.

Olivia decides to take a nap before dinner. She's more tired than she had expected. It was amazing to see her baby for the very first time, and it's become far more real to her now that there is really a brand-new person growing inside her. She clutches the printout the nurse had handed to her and before she dozes off, she tells her baby,

"I love you so much already, little pea. You just keep growing safely inside of me until you're ready to meet your mommy."

…

Three more weeks go by and although Olivia has to stay in on occasion, she is happy that she can still make herself useful interviewing victims, possible witnesses and friends or family of the victims. Just no confrontations with suspects and perps for the time being. Elliot and Munch have been able to pick up Elise's attacker, who appears to be a first time offender from Elise's neighborhood, a loner who couldn't accept it that she wouldn't give him the time of day. The fact that she hadn't even recognized him as someone who lived nearby only underlined how uninterested she had been in him. The man quickly agreed to a plea deal once DNA matched him to Elise's rape kit as well as the blood in her apartment. It had been a bloody nose after all, caused by Elise's fists as she had resisted fiercely until the heavy-set man had flipped her over and raped her from behind.

Olivia feels nauseous at the idea alone.

She has been having trouble eating since nothing appeals to her anymore aside from a craving for sour apples. Apples don't provide enough nutrition for a whole day and on top of that, apples tend to dehydrate the body. Elliot has been trying out different types of food on her, while helping to make sure she drinks enough. He is at her apartment again and while she appreciates his concern, she can't help wondering about his family. And especially about Kathy. Won't she mind that her husband spends so much extra time with his pregnant partner?

When she asks Elliot about it, sitting at her breakfast bar while he is cooking her a meal, Elliot dismisses her quickly.

"It's fine, Liv. Don't worry about it."

"She does know, right? That I'm pregnant, I mean," Olivia presses on.

"Oh yes. She knows," Elliot says, and the tone of his voice suggests there is more to tell.

"What did she say when you told her?" she inquires.

Elliot doesn't look at her but keeps moving some chicken and vegetables around in the skillet.

"El?"

He is worrying his lip as if he's debating what to tell her, and Olivia gets an ominous feeling suddenly. Kathy can't have thought … not her as well?

"Elliot," she says more insistently. "Did she accuse us too?"

His silence tells her all she needs to know and she hops off her stool to round the breakfast bar. She stands next to Elliot and puts a hand on his back, feeling the need to support him.

"Let me talk to her."

"Don't bother," Elliot says. "This is between me and her. It has nothing to do with you."

"Of course it has something to do with me!" Olivia insists.

"I understand that you'd think so Liv, but this is about basic trust between her and me. About there not being enough trust, to be precise. She's always been jealous. Insecure about her looks and wondering if I really wanted to be married to her. Her insecurities have undermined our marriage ever since Kathleen was born. She had a postpartum depression which only made her insecurities worse. It's been going downhill ever since."

Olivia can hardly believe what she's hearing. She'd always thought Kathy had the perfect life. The life she would want to have, even if she doesn't think she would be the stay-at-home mom kind of person.

"But you've been married for twenty years. Kathleen's fifteen now and you had two more children after her. That has to mean something," Olivia thinks out loud.

"I thought so too, Liv. I tried to show her. I really did. But it's just never enough. When she told me to my face that she's always known this day would come, I knew it was over."

"What?" Olivia gasps.

She instantly has a stomach ache. Over? His marriage is over? Because of her?

Elliot drops the spatula in the skillet and turns down the gas. Then he turns around to face her.

"Whatever you're going to concoct up there," he says, tapping her temple with an index finger, "it's not your fault. Got it?"

He looks into her eyes but Olivia is still too stunned to respond. She can't process all of this so quickly.

"Got it, Liv?" he repeats, placing his hands gently on her shoulders. "She flatout accused me of cheating on her. She was 'sure' it had been going on for a while. That's the deal breaker for me, alright? It's basically the last straw and I just can't do this anymore with her. This would have happened eventually, with or without you. She's always feared that I would leave her some day. That she somehow trapped me into marrying her when she ended up pregnant, and that I'd eventually reconsider. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince her otherwise."

Elliot sighs and takes a breath before continuing, rubbing her shoulders gently with his thumbs.

"Can you just promise me you won't feel responsible? This is supposed to be a happy time in your life. You just focus on your little pea and let me deal with Kathy. Alright?"

Olivia is still not processing fully, but the mention of her little pea helps to pull her out of her initial shock.

"My little pea," she says, looking down and putting a hand over her stomach, now showing the modest beginning of a bump at almost twelve weeks. "Once people see it, no one in their right mind will think you're the father."

Elliot squeezes her shoulders lightly and she looks up at him again.

"That's beside the point, Liv. My wife doesn't trust me. She never has. That's the bottom line. That's what I'm finally acting on. I can't live like that any longer."

"Are … are you moving out of the house?" she asks him shakily.

"Already have."

"So where have you been staying?"

Elliot shrugs and releases her, turning back to the stove and turning up the gas.

"El?"

"The cribs," he mumbles, and Olivia moves next to him quickly despite the smell of chicken doing something to her stomach.

She puts a hand on his lower back and tells him quietly,

"You don't have to stay in the cribs. You know my couch is better than the average bed. You can stay here until you find a place."

Elliot shakes his head like she knew he would.

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna be in your way. You have enough on your plate with the baby and all."

Olivia chuckles.

"Well, normal people don't usually do this baby thing alone you know."

That makes him look at her again, and he is very serious when he tells her,

"You are normal people, Liv. Don't act like you're weird for being a single parent."

Olivia bites her lip. It's actually very sweet how Elliot is defending her but she doesn't want to make him feel like she's laughing at him so she looks away. And then she tells him honestly,

"I admit that I enjoy having you around, El. I haven't felt like I'm doing it alone yet, and … that feels pretty good."

She feels a strange sense of relief spreading slowly through her senses, knowing Elliot will have even more time to spend with her. But she also feels a pang of guilt about it. She shouldn't be taking him away from his family. When Elliot doesn't respond, she looks at him again and finds him staring into the skillet without moving.

"El?" she asks, touching his arm.

"Yeah," he says, looking a little startled.

"What's wrong?"

She closes her eyes the second she asks the question. What a stupid thing to ask him. His marriage is on the rocks, that's what's wrong. She shouldn't be happy about him spending more time with her when he's going through a rough separation with his wife. There are four kids to consider as well. She can't be selfish now.

"I'm sorry," she starts after a few moments, but Elliot holds up a hand to silence her.

"No Liv, it's alright. I … I enjoy looking out for you as well. I'm actually amazed you're letting me."

They smile at each other and Olivia relaxes a little.

"I'm surprising myself there too," she admits. "I must be having a boy. These hormones are making me a different person."

"A boy huh?" Elliot says, looking down at her hand on her belly. "Maybe."

"You don't think so?"

Olivia knows he has a lot of experience with pregnancies but she can't imagine that he would be able to tell the gender of her baby just by looking at her. She is barely showing yet, aside from needing pants that are two sizes bigger than normal these days.

"Doesn't really matter," Elliot says. "Boy or girl, this Benson is going to be a badass."

…

A/N: Several of you guessed correctly what was bothering Elliot. Soooo … any thoughts?