Caterina Valentine: My Life.

FlorMorada

I do not own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.

…

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Please read le author's note at le end.

…

Chapter Fourteen

Proof.

…

"Everybody has some sort of monster.

Whether they're existent; as an actual, living terror, or a torturing figure of the imagination - neither of them are any less unpleasant or even more or less preferred. They can be fought differently, I guess. Normal monster monsters can be somewhat killed. Ridding yourself of mind monsters, however, that's a little bit different.

Do monsters have genders? I've always wondered that. A lot of the time, monsters seem like males.

Those boys who took my brother away with their stupid dare game were males. I see things like drugs and stuff as, almost, manipulative males. My mother isn't a guy but her drunken depressiveness kind of 'male'. My monsters are ma-

Well, they're not really males. But neither are they female. The anorexia was like a girl. But this 'kill yourself, kill yourself' voice I have, that's more of a male. But not like a guy male. I don't know - maybe the voices are just me. But my voice is higher than them.

These are just low, and dark, and scary.

Sometimes monsters are male, though, literally. Like, genetically male. And they're not voices or mind monsters either - they're real. They might not look like monsters, or even sound like them. They might be tall and hot. The monster might have brown hair and brown eyes and, incidentally, not even seem monstrous.

They might not have those stereotypical, monster-like names either: 'zombie' or 'ghost' or 'Frankenstein'. You may not know they're a monster at all.

My monster was a 'nice boy' who's name simply began with a 'D'."

…

"So, how's Beck doing?" Daniel asks me, his voice low through the phone. I lie down on my bed and put it on loudspeaker, resting the phone on my chest. I don't say anything, and Daniel takes that as a reason to ask a question once more. "Is he still with that Jade?"

I sigh, but quietly enough for him not to hear. "Beck's fine," I reply, "Jade's finer."

"So they're still together?"

I dig my nails into my palms. "Yeah."

"And you still, like, love Beck, right? That must suck, I mean-"

Now I don't refrain from letting Daniel hear my sigh - I don't even stifle my groan. I hear him apologise but I'm not really listening. The fourth time in a row, this is, with Beck and Jade in the top three addressed subjects of our phone conversation. "Daniel, if I didn't know better, I'd actually swear you find joy making me feel worse about this."

I hear him laugh on the other end of the line. "No, I'm sorry. I really don't. I was just wondering."

"Well, can we wonder something else for once?" I sit up and set the volume off loudspeaker. "How's…" I press the phone to my ear. "How's school? How's tenth grade work?"

Daniel chuckles. "Better than expected, actually. How you finding eighth?"

I shrug, even though he can't see. "It's okay."

I mean, it's slightly okay. The work's becoming increasingly difficult for me. I don't know; it's not that I find it hard, there's just…there's so much else going on in my brain and it's like I can't concentrate properly. Like, I'm trying to work and it's not like I can't but there's so much else and sometimes I can't think straight and my mind, it makes me not do stuff and I-

No, I'm…

I sound pathetic.

"It's okay," I repeat to Daniel, "it's alright." I hear him say, "Good" and I smile. I'm sure he smiles, but that answer wasn't even for him; it's just me reassuring my own self.

…

"You guys don't know much about Daniel; that's how I kind of wanted it to stay. But I'm explaining him now so it's kind of late to turn back.

A long story short, Daniel was a crush.

I still liked Beck at the time. You and Jade had been together for almost a year, then, Beck - we'd all turned fourteen. But as time went on it became increasingly evident that I'd never have a chance with you.

I mean, Jade was perfect. You are perfect, Jade. Yes, there were the problems explained, but you're so pretty and so talented and I'm sure you'd even stopped cutting by then, and you were so happy with Beck - Beck was probably the one making you happy. And I didn't want to come between that; it would have been heartless.

But that didn't fill the growing hole in my chest, that emptiness.

That growing empty.

But then, one day, I met Daniel. The sophmore in high school. I don't remember how we met, exactly - I was at the mall with the new, sober mother. She went somewhere and then he appeared, and I just remember thinking 'first encounter with boy!'. I don't know what he did to make me start to feel like I did for him, but within the month, we'd gone out twice and spoke on the phone more or less every day of the weeks.

Daniel made me feel so different. As I said, I still lov- liked Beck, but Daniel, he made me kind of forget that. In the weirdest of ways. Actually, no - he made me think about it all the time. How much I liked Beck and how much Beck liked Jade and how much it 'sucked' that he and I'd never be together. And you'd think I'd have started hating him because of that, wouldn't you? But I didn't. It only made the empty in me open more.

And, of course, Daniel being lovely Daniel, he used that to his complete advantage."

…

"I thought…" I hear as Daniel, thinking, pauses, and for a second the phone is silent. "Didn't Beck help you with work in sixth and seventh grade? And your friend André too?"

"Uh-huh." I nod. "André more in seventh. But Beck as well."

"What happened?"

I curl and clench my toes in my socks. "Jade just happened, I guess."

Jade's always at Beck's house - in fact, not even house. He's just got this trailer thing and he's actually living there. Which means him and Jade can spend even more time together - to study and do whatever else. I don't know where André went. I mean, we're still friends, despite the whole rejection thing. But he isn't always around. Robbie says non-individual work and such slows the knowledge process down. And Jade can't work with me anymore for the same reason as Beck.

So I'm kind of on my own, in that sense. And in all senses. I don't really have anyone. Except for Daniel. Daniel helps me when I ask - I don't even have to ask him always.

Daniel's just, he's always there.

"Lots of my friends work together a lot," he states, interrupting my thoughts - my pointless thoughts. Why I'm working about my friends' lack of help towards me, I have no idea. It's their lives; they don't have to, at all.

Needy: that's still all I am.

"They do?" I reply to Daniel through the phone.

I hear him agree. "'Specially guys and their girls. My friend says he and his girlfriend do a lot less studying than they should, if you know what I-"

"Yes, I know what you mean, Daniel." It's only a second later I see how quickly I answered. Daniel's sudden silence is an indicator of my tone too harsh. "Sorry," I say, sighing. Honestly, I don't mean to snap. It's just, what he said reminds me of Beck and Jade. And that reminds me of Beck, and Beck reminds me of a, a boyfriend. Care, love.

All of which I doubt I'll ever have.

"You're thinking, Cat," Daniel says quietly, startling me slightly.

"How'd you know?"

He chuckles. "I could tell."

I keep the phone to my ear but lie down on my side. "I am a little, yeah."

"What are you thinking about?"

"No…just." I shrug. "Nothing, really."

"I don't quite think so."

Daniel, he can go from 'BeckJademakeCatfeelworse' to 'what'swrongmypooroneandonly' mode in a single phone call. It's weird, really weird. But he actually cares. And that's…

It's nice.

I take a breath. "Jade's so lucky," I start, "to have a Beck- a boyfriend, I mean. Like, can you imagine that, Daniel? Having an actual boyfriend?"

"I can - how interesting that'd be."

I suddenly catch on to what I've just said and cringe, but I'm soon laughing. "I mean, not you with a boyfriend. But me. Imagine how it'd feel to feel so cared."

…

"But I really couldn't imagine it. I'd never experienced it, you know? Not in that way, at least. Braden was a brother; Jade was a, like, sister; the 'care' displayed by my mother and Lilith were both somewhat debatable. I'd never experienced that, that real affection, that only a boyfriend could give to you. I almost ached for it - I was desperate for it.

Maybe that's why I was so attached to you, Beck.

I saw how you made Jade feel. I guess I was almost jealous - I just felt so lost. I deeply wished I could have something like that. It sounds crazy - it is crazy - but I had visions of you and Jade going through high school together and then to college together and marrying and having kids and just it all- and me never getting any of that, from Beck, or even from anyone.

They say that what you can't have, you can't miss, right? I didn't have that love.

I sure as hell missed it.

But then wow. Daniel the superman - SuperDan - comes conveniently to the rescue. And his words, his tone, his, his everything.

Cost me the biggest thing of my life."

…

"I care about you, Cat, baby. You know I do."

I feel my cheeks quickly grow hot. "I- I know," I reply. "But we're not in the same school. We're not even in the same grade."

"It doesn't-"

"I know it doesn't matter!" I interrupt, again. I dig my nails into my palms like I was doing before. "Sorry…again. I know. It doesn't. But you're not even my-"

"Boyfriend?"

My breath hitches in my throat. I hold my breath, and I'm sure Daniel hears. I close my eyes and nod. "Boyfriend."

"Didn't you hear me I told you, I care about you."

I groan quietly. "I know…"

And then I wait for him to say something, and he waits for me to say something, and neither of us do. And it's totally silent.

…

"Until Daniel suddenly asked if I want things with me to change, and I asked him what he meant. And he was silent again.

And then he said he loved me.

And, "You do?" I said, and, "I do," he said, with that voice, that beautiful, genuine voice. Of course I told him I loved him too - and I did. I really did love him.

…

"Do you want me to be your boyfriend, Cat, baby? To keep on loving you? To care about you?"

My chest tightens. A moment ago, my mind was on - my only love was - Beck. But I do, of course I do.

Although, the fact that my lips are suddenly stapled shut probably doesn't answer that.

"I-" I shake my head; I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in shock. "Do you really love me, Daniel?"

"Why are you doubting it? Don't you believe me?"

"No, I do, I-"

"Then why are you asking?"

I don't reply to him, biting down on my lip.

I do believe him. This is just…

I've never felt this, ever, in my life.

"I'll prove it to you, Cat," Daniel suddenly says.

"Wha-"

"I'll prove I love you."

I sit up from my bed and lean my back against the headboard. "Prove you love me?"

"If you're sure you love me?"

I nod my head, a huge grin spread across my face - and then I remember, again, Daniel can't see me. "Yes," I reply. "I love you, Daniel."

I hear the smile too appear in his voice. "Good. That's good," he says. "I'll prove to you I love you. Wait, Cat, give me some time. But I'll show you that I love you."

…

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

(That can't be good for Cat, can it?)

Okay, sorry for the lack of updates. I couldn't write Beck so I'm skipping him k (sorry!), but his importance in the story will return at the end. My writing's also all been utter shit lately so I sort of took a longer than intended break.

BUT, on another note: CV:ML's been nominated for a Topaz Award! As explained to me via PM, "you can find the awards at:

www dot fanfiction dot net/forum/The-Topaz-Awards-2013/108350/

You can vote by clicking the threads named after each award and using the
polls embedded in each thread."

Please do! If you want to, of course. If you think the story's somewhat decent (I hope you do). Being nominated is c00l - I don't know how it was done, but thank you! I only really write this for you guys. ^_^

(I uploaded this (with my new iPhone!) at, like, 2am. So it's not spellchecked or shit, apologies.)

Love.

…

FlorMorada.