Caterina Valentine: My Life

FlorMorada

I do not own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.

…

Author's Note:

i don't even know guys it's 2:00am and i found two hundred words of this sitting in my 'writing' folder so i was kinda like fuck it let's just do this

don't expect anymore anytime soon

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Chapter Fifteen

Proved

…

"I have never heard of this Daniel in my life," I think out loud to no one in particular. I don't even yet know what the guy's done, but it was to Cat, so I hate him already.

The guilt I'm feeling on behalf of him is almost as intense as my own.

Cat went to Daniel because of me; because I didn't love her.

I'm not going to lie to myself to difuse any guilt; I'm not saying I'd have left Jade to go to Cat. There's no point telling myself crap. It won't make anything better - as much as me having loved Cat back maybe would've. I loved my Jade – I still do love her. Just not in that old, same way. I had those visions of Cat's too: Jade and I living life together with a family. It seemed completely probably just some months ago, and I was completely fine with that. And - of course we all felt stress with the whole Cat…dying - but I would never have used that, Cat's want for me, to end my relationship with my girlfriend. It sounds exaggerated, by Jade really was my life. The only reason the two of us have ended is down to her ending it, her only.

"Did any of you guys know this Daniel?" Jade asks, proving to be just as clueless as I am. Everyone shrugs; shakes their heads. Of course none of us know him. If we did, it would have meant Cat had told us. And we could have then helped her sort whatever happened out. She'd have had one less reason to want to kill herself.

Maybe she'd still be alive.

"I swear," Jade continues, "I'm already despising this dude. I don't even care what he did; if I ever see this guy around-"

"You'll be putting yourself at risk if you start throwing punches," Tori interrupts. "So, you'll just leave him be." Jade sends her a half-hearted glare. "It was year ago now, anyway," she adds. "He may not even be around here."

"He seems like the type of guy you'd want to leave alone anyways," Robbie adds. I look towards him.

"Not if he hurt Cat."

"Well, o-of course not," he stammers, "not if he's hurt Cat, but in g-general, you know, maybe he's some kind of-"

"Are you alright, Robbie?" Tori interjects. He nods his head, before shaking it at his previous mess of words.

"Of course I'm fine." He wipes his brow. "Just play the tape again."

...

"Are you sure you're alright going out with this boy, Cat?"

"Mother," I sigh, "yes, I am. We've been out, like, four hundred times, you know this."

She frowns and I clench my hand into a fist, resisting the urge to say her more. Instead, I pull my mascara from my purse and brush the brush over my lashes. "Okay, mom. Sorry. I get you're concerned or whatever, but Danny, he's fine. There's nothing to be worried about."

…

"The amount of times that lie came out my mouth was almost as much as my love for the guy. I don't know why I never told the truth. Looking back, I guess it's a lot harder when you're in it and you're consumed and you can't see at all, but now, I'd do anything to have been brave and just let it out. I had opportunities as well—my mom asking and friends asking and even ordinary strangers. But I looked at them and lied and smiled and they all fell for my act. Though, it wasn't an act at the time, of course. Back then, I really did think it all was fine. A little hard, yes, sometimes unfair. But I deserved it, I thought. I know. So of course it had to be 'fine'."

…

I hold the large box of popcorn in both of my hands, happily crunching away on one of the popped kernels. "I can't believe we're seeing Up," I say excitedly, following Daniel into the movie theatre. He stops and turns around to look at me, a Coca-Cola in his right hand, and circles his left arm around my waist.

"I know how much you've wanted to see it," he replies, kissing me on my forehead. "Besides, who doesn't love a Disney flick once in a while?"

I giggle as we walk towards our seats. I really am excited—the movie looks so cute and what cuter a person is there to watch it with than Danny? We haven't been on a date to the cinema before; we've watched movies in our jammies but not out. I'm surprised my mom's even let us come here on our own; she's been kind of…'over-protective' since she's returned, or is attempting to be so, at least.

Danny guides us to our row – fourth from the back – and our seats are right in the corner. A little far for me, but it's nice and private. We won't have to deal with noisy snacking, slurping and snickering.

I put the popcorn on the seat beside me and slide my jacket off, draping it on the back of my chair before sitting down, and Danny does the same. The movie trailers begin to roll and the theatre hardly fills—perhaps they'll all come in when the film's actually starting.

…

"You'd think I'd know better, wouldn't you? I mean, I know I'm no brainiac, but you really don't need to be to know sitting all secluded with a boy in a dark movie theatre is not a good thing to do. I was asking for it, I swear to God I was. I asked for what I got and that's why I fucking got it."

…

"It isn't all that, is it?" Danny says turning to face me, twenty minutes into the movie. I look at him and shrug, but before I can reply, he says, "God, you look so beautiful tonight, Cat."

It's not often he says stuff like this to me, it's not often at all. I feel my cheeks redden and I chuckle and smile. "Oh…thanks. I really don't think so, but—"

"No." He turns his body, facing me full on, and rests a hand on my knee. "Don't say that. You do. Cat, you're beautiful."

My eyes fall to my lap and I bite the side of my lip, and moment later, my teeth are replaced with Danny's lips, kissing my own.

…

"We'd kissed before, don't shit yourself about that. That wasn't the problem. But kissing was all we'd done, nothing more, and nothing more yet—or so I'd thought."

...

"Danny, we're not even watching the movie," I manage to say, pulling away from his mouth. It's at this point I realise we've both sort of moved – he's on the edge of his seat and I'm too barely on mine.

"So?" He smiles and squeezes my side. "Fuck the movie."

I gasp and laugh at his use of profanity, lightly slapping his arm. "Don't fuck the movie," I reply, and he shrugs.

"Fine, how 'bout we do instead?"

It takes me more than a moment to process what Danny's implying. I frown, trying to work it out, but I do- and feel a chill run through me. I stare into his eyes – as much as you can in the dark, that is – and I'm met with his own, threatening glare. I stammer a few syllables but Danny, appearing to take no notice, leans in to kiss me again.

"D-Danny," I eventually, just about manage. I shake my head slightly and lean back just a bit, pulling my hands away from his neck. "I…I…"

"Fucking hell, Cat." His hand still sits on my knee, and he grips it—now, though, more than just lightly. "Don't tell me shit, Cat, you better not start saying shit."

"I—"

"You what? You don't want to?"

I shake my head again, agreeing, this time, much more quickly. I hear him sigh and his hand slides further up my leg, and he leans in again, forcefully kissing me. I exclaim against his lips – a tiny squeal – and jerk away from him for the third time. He looks at me with a spark in his eyes and I open my mouth, this time, to actually speak.

"I don't want to, Danny," I say timidly, my voice clear but quiet and scared. "Not now. Not yet." I feel his hand move, and he shifts away from me slightly.

"You don't want to love me anymore? Fine. Alright, Cat." He moves his body from me completely, falling back into his own seat and bending down to pick up the Coca-Cola. I close my eyes and feel my heart race, confusion and fear and guilt mingling in my chest all at once.

No, it's not for him not to love me. I love him and he needs to love me- no one else loves me. 'No, Cat, no one loves you, do they? You're pushing the only one to ever lay half an eye on you away just because you're 'scared' and selfish? Who else is here for you, Cat, who else loves you? Your friends don't, your family don't. You have no one, nobody at all. You need this boy, Cat—he's all you have, so don't be stupid, you worthless piece of shit. If you don't have him, you're on your fucking own, and we both know you can't deal with that.'

I open my eyes again, and they sting with threating tears. I shake myself out of my mind to see Danny standing up from his seat, about to slide out from the isle. Before he has a chance to move, I grab onto his wrist.

"Danny," I whisper. "Danny, please. Please don't leave. I need you."

He does nothing for a moment, listening to me, facing the long-forgotten movie screen. He then turns to me - eyes dark and cold - staring into mine.

"Well, you obviously don't love me."

And with that, he jerks his arm from my grasp and begins to walk down the stairs. Luckily (though, more unlucky, I guess), the next few rows of seats are empty, so as I rush to him and get in front of him, I'm not disturbing anyone other than him. Tears pool in my eyes.

"Why would you say that, Danny?" I hear my voice crack. "I love you, of course I love you."

"Well, you don't want to do anything with me, do you?"

I stare at him, my eyes widening, tears still threatening to overflow. "Yeah, well, I'm scared, Danny!" I say truthfully. "I haven't done it before—you know that!"

"The fact that you're a virgin doesn't matter, Cat; I'd be changing that for you anyway."

I look away from him, and I hear him sigh. He's angry, or disappointed—or the both of them; the emotions always seem to arise paired. "Look," he says to me, finally. "I thought you were my big girl."

I face him again, hurt by his tone. He always says this to me, and I hate it. I feel so guilty and sad and I hate it. "I am your big girl," I reply, more automatically than meaningfully.

"No, you're not." Danny sits down in the new chair beside him, facing away from me. "Big girls do whatever their boyfriends want because they know it proves to him that she love him. But you won't have sex with me, so, obviously…" He trails off, and I get the message.

I would do it with him, I honestly would. I'm just really, really scared. But if I don't he won't love me anymore. 'And what will you be if he doesn't love you, Cat? Nothing, you'll be absolutely nothing. You're more scared of that than anything the two of you'll do, you know that just as well as I do. Quit being a pussy and give him your pussy- you don't want him not to love you, do you?'

I take a breath, a long, deep breath. I gain the courage to open my eyes again.

If the only way for Danny to love me is to have sex with him, then so be it. That's how it has to be.

I sit down on the seat beside him and stare at (the side of) his face—he doesn't even look at me. I dig my fingernails into my palms and sigh. "Fine. Let's do it then."

I'm sure I see another spark in Danny's eye, but its gone far too quickly for me to be certain. He puts the Coca-Cola on the seat beside him and turns to look at me, his mouth breaking into a tiny, little smile.

"You sure?" he asks, and I shrug.

And suddenly he's on me and my top's off and the Coke's kicked to the ground. It spills from the cup and tears spill from my eyes, but of course Danny notices neither.

'Sure'? Am I sure I want to have sex for the first time with my first boyfriend on our first date to a fucking cinema? Of course I'm not 'sure'.

But I don't have a choice, do I?

…

FlorMorada