Caterina Valentine: My Life by alolime

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Chapter Sixteen: Silent Films are the Easiest to Understand

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This writing is for present day text or speech, this writing is for Cat's tapes and notes, this writing is for scenes from the past. The present here is from Beck's point of view.

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I don't need to go into any more detail. I mean, I could, but I don't want to relive that experience and I doubt you guys want to live it either. It was horrible, it was painful, it was scary and it was eternal.

We didn't have sex. Turns out he had a bit of class. But he did things with his fingers and made me do things with my hands. That didn't make it any better. I know it could've only lasted ten minutes. I was counting in my head. I got to five hundred sixty three, but I was counting pretty slowly so I think it would've averaged out at about six hundred. That's all. That's less than the time it takes to queue up for lunch. Less than the time it takes me to walk from the theatre to the music department, less time than it takes to pee - or even poop – less time that it takes me to fall asleep, if I'm super tired. Isn't it strange how something so small can turn into something so big? How relative everything is? If someone were to tell me that I'd line up a minute less for lunch, I wouldn't have cared. It's only a minute. But if someone had come and stopped Danny one minute earlier, I would have called him a saviour.

I'm not saying that everything would have been okay if he'd have saved me. Hell, I'm not saying he'd have "saved", me at all, but maybe things would have been different. He had one type of power over Danny that Danny could do nothing about – he had the power to say something. Of course, I did as well, but God knows that would have been a whole lot harder.

I never understood what people meant when they said that the bystander was just as bad as the bully. How could they be? Say you have a kid on the playground, and this mean kid is beating him up, and all the other kids are watching. Not laughing, just watching. They're not punching the kid. They're not even touching him. The only one to blame is the bully, right?

Wrong.

See, the bully isn't going to tell on himself. The kid being bullied can't tell on the bully. But the other kids, they're in the middle, they're not on anyone's side, all they have to do is go to a teacher and say what they see. They can't even be hurt by the bully themselves – if the teacher is good, once the secret is out, he won't be able to hurt anybody. Just but saying what they see, the bystanders have changed a kid's life.

That's exactly what you were. You were the kids in the playground watching. You could have changed things for me, but you didn't. You stayed quiet, you stayed the bystander.

And, Robbie, that hurt more than anything Danny ever did to me.

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I stop the tape. We all look over at Robbie, and his body is leant forwards, head between his legs. I hear his breath and he shakes his head from side to side.

"I knew this was coming," he says through gritted teeth. "I knew this was coming. I knew this would be on here, I knew she would say something, I should have said something." He sits up in once fierce movement; his face is bright red and stares up at the ceiling, grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling it. "I should have said something, I should have said something!" His voice is rising. "Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I say something! Why didn't—"

Suddenly, André is at his side and grips Robbie's wrist in his own fist, shaking his head. "Man take it easy," he says, to Robbie who now appears to be crying.

Tori stands up and kneels in front of Robbie. She holds his head in her hands. "Robbie. Listen to me," she says firmly. "We all could have said – done – something. This isn't just you, okay?" Robbie closes his eyes, and nods. "Cat has something to say for all of us." Jade and I look at one another.

Jade must know exactly how he feels. So does André. Only Tori and I are left to be discussed, after Robbie. With a strange sense of impatience, I clear my throat. "That's why we've got to listening."

Robbie sniffs, and looks at me. He nods. I nod back at him.

We've got to hear Robbie's tape.

More importantly, I've got to hear mine.

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I sit as far as possible from Danny in my seat for the remainder of the movie. It's hard, his right arm is around my shoulder and he's holding my thigh with his left arm but I do everything I can to pretend I'm not there. My eyes are closed the entire time, all I can focus on is not crying. I don't even notice when the movie's over and the credits start to roll.

"Did you like it?" Danny asks me. I stare at him. I nod. I don't know what 'it' he's talking about, but he grins at me. "Good." Danny moves his arm from around me and stands up, straightening his pants and running a hand through his hair. He beckons me and we make our way out of the movie theatre until we've arrived at the area with the soda and snacks. The restroom is only five meters away and it's the only place I want to be.

Our movie was the last one of the night, so the whole place is empty. The only people here will be the workers. Danny wraps his arms around me in an embrace and rests his head on top of mine.

I've never thought it just how much bigger he is than me until tonight. For the first time it terrifies me.

"You know I love you, Cat," he says into my hair. I say nothing. "Right?" he repeats, and I nod, feeling his chin move as my head moves back and forth. He pulls away from me and looks me directly in the eyes.

"You're not allowed to tell anyone about this. It's between us. If you do, I'll be very upset and then you'll be very, very upset."

I have no idea what he means. He trails a hand from my shoulder down my arm and to my wrist, and takes hold of it. It fits perfectly between his fingers and he gives it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm your boyfriend, and that means I'm allowed to do this, because you're my girlfriend and you love me. Do you understand?" I nod again, and suddenly his grip is tighter.

"For God's sake, Cat, can you open your mouth? Do you understand?"

I stare at him, wide eyed. My wrist is starting to hurt, and I can feel my heart is beating. "Yes," I manage, nodding some more.

"You understand that if you don't love me anymore you can leave, right?" he asks, and for a split second, that seems like the only thing in the world that I want to do. "But your friends will find out what you've done and they'll call you a slut, and they'll hate you, and I'll hate you and your mom will hate you and you won't have anyone anymore, right?"

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"I know what you're thinking, 'how stupid can she be?' He's manipulating her, this is bullshit. Yes, I know that now, but I didn't know that then. This was so many years ago, I was a child. He was so much older than me and I looked up to him not only as a boyfriend, but as an adult, and I thought everything he said was true. I didn't see what I was getting in to. Like an idiot, I really thought what he was saying was the truth."

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I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I fight with all my might to hold them back. No one is here, no one will see me cry expect from him but I don't know if that makes things better or worse. My wrist is throbbing. I look down, and Danny's knuckles are turning white because he's holding me to hard.

I shake my arm. "Danny, please let go."

He ignores my plea. "You need to promise me that everything stays between me and you, Cat. If you tell anyone anything, I'll find out, and you'll be in trouble. Do you promise?"

"Yes!" I say immediately.

"Say you promise," Danny says through his teeth. I've never seen him like this, and I'm terrified.

"I promise, Danny, please, let go!"

He lets go of my wrist and I immediately cocoon it with my other hand; it's hot and red and I know it's going to bruise. I haven't hurt myself in a long time, but I'd never cut this low down on my arm. I have no idea how I'll hide it when it does bruise. I still want to cry, but I still force myself to hold it in. I look up at Danny with fear in my eyes and he stares at me, his expression blank, before he leans down and kisses me on the lips.

I almost flinch. I can't kiss him back.

"You're such a good girl, Cat," he says onto my lips. He pulls his car key out of his pocket and twirls it around his index finger. Go fix yourself up, he says, gesturing to the ladies room. I feel my heart sigh with relief. "I'll be in the car."

Danny walks towards the exit and I run towards the restroom. I'm not even in the room before I start to cry.

I get to the basins and run my hand under the cold tap trying to sooth my wrist. I'm sobbing and I'm only thankful that I'm alone and no one can hear me. 'This isn't Danny, this isn't Danny,' is all I can think. He's having a bad day, something happened before he came to see me. He isn't like this. He won't ever hurt me again. He won't touch me there again; he won't make me touch him there again. I'll never see him again.

But I want to see him again. I want to run outside and make him explain everything that's happened tonight, what he means and what he's done. But I'm stuck in my thoughts, and I can't stop crying and every scenario in my head makes no sense.

I turn the faucet off and go into a stall. I grab some tissue and dap my arm dry, and some more for my face. I go out again and stand in front of the mirror, wiping the mascara from my cheeks before closing my eyes to dab them.

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"It must have taken all of twenty seconds. It felt like a horror movie. One minute, I was alone. Then my eyes were closed, and then they were open again, and whoosh. Appeared from nowhere."

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"Cat?"

My heart skips a beat, and I look towards the door.

"Robbie?" I wipe my face fiercely and throw the tissue somewhere beside me. "What are you doing here?"

He looks nervous. "Guys clean the girls toilets too at closing and opening. I'm not being weird, I promise."

I'm completely lost, and I think he can tell.

"Oh, you mean here, here?" he adds. "I work at the movie theatre on Sundays, remember?"

Right. He does. Robbie told us weeks ago. I remember because he'd told us how on his first shift he'd bought Rex but his manager had told him personal items weren't allowed on the floor. "Right," I say quietly. I almost think I'm free, but I must have been a second too late.

"Cat, I saw your boyfriend leave and then I saw you run in here, and you're crying. What's wrong?"

I absent-mindedly grab onto my sore wrist and soon realise it's the worst thing I could have done.

"Cat, what the hell?! What happened to your arm?"

I look at him and hide it behind my back, but he drops his mop and runs over to me, and grabs it before I can stop him.

"Robbie-"

His eyes widen. "Did your boyfriend do this to you?" he asks in exasperation. "Is that why you're crying? Is that why he left you?"

"He didn't leave!" I shout. "He's in the car. He's waiting for me to pee."

"Cat you didn't answer anything except my last question. Did Danny do this to you?" I say nothing. "Cat!"

All I can hear are Danny's words ringing through my head. Not to say anything, not about what we did in the movie, not about this, nothing, nothing, nothing. I pull my arm away.

"I'll see you at school, Robbie," I say quickly and push my hand into the pocket of my skirt, like it makes any difference. I hear him calling me as I get to the bathroom door but I don't look back, I run through and past the snack bar and out into the coolness of the evening.

The sun's setting and there's a breeze, and it's icy against my damp face. I look around and see two flashes from a black car, and it's Danny, and I run towards it and jump inside. I don't sit in the passenger seat, I sit at the back, behind him, and he doesn't ask why.

"You ready?" he says, looking at me through his mirror.

"Yes," I reply.

But oh, no, I'm not.

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Author's Note:

YOOOOOOO CAN YOU BELIEVE I WROTE ANOTHER CHAPTER OF CV:ML THAT I HAVEN'T PROPERLY THOUGHT OR CARED ABOUT SINCE 2012

I AIN'T EVEN PROOF READ THIS I DID A SPELL CHECK AND UPLOADED IT THAT'S HOW IMPULSIVE THIS WAS

I HAVE A WHOLE YEAR OF FREEDOM B4 UNIVERSITY I REALLY WANT TO FINISH THIS STORY BY THEN OK ITS IMPORTANT AND SYMBOLIC AND I WANT TO DO IT

sorry for the caps lmao

i changed my username btw! i was flormorada but that was 5 years old

lol this is crazy

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alolime