14. Vulnerable
She can't sleep.
No matter how exhausted she feels, her mind just won't stop spinning. Finding an apartment together, actually signing a rental agreement together - that's basically living together. In separate rooms but still.
She knows that she's been looking at her best friend differently lately. There's no denying that. From the moment they met, Elliot had started filling a void in her life. Until then, she'd never really trusted anyone, especially men. Her mother had ingrained in her from an early age that men are not to be trusted and that their only goal is to use you to their own advantage. Even after becoming a police officer, Olivia had kept everyone at bay. She would only trust her work partners professionally, and even then only up to a point. Elliot is living proof that not all men are like her mother said and she has allowed him to become a huge part of her life. And even if she tried to stop it, he had found a place inside her heart, and she had allowed herself to start depending on him. On him being there. She could do it all alone, but it's so much better to have him by her side. Especially now with the baby. Her little baby boy.
She smiles in the dark and cradles her belly with both hands. Regardless of the circumstances, this child is her miracle and she already can't imagine her life without him in it.
It's basically the same with Elliot. She doesn't want to imagine a life without Elliot in it. She knows that this feeling isn't new. It's been lingering for a lot longer. But Elliot was married until now so she'd filed anything that might be inappropriate away under 'don't go there' and had just enjoyed having such a good best friend. She had tried to ignore the fact that she'd compare all her flings with him and had reasoned it away - telling herself she wanted someone dependable like Elliot. Not Elliot himself.
And now … just before she went to bed earlier, he had showed her an envelope. Divorce papers, he'd announced. Kathy is seeing it through this time. And while she still feels partially responsible for how his marriage is ending, she has to admit she isn't upset about it anymore. She can see that Elliot is more relaxed these days. Sure, he misses the regular contact with his children but the two oldest girls send him text messages from time to time and it helps a lot, even if Kathy is filing for sole custody of the three younger kids. Elliot knows it's best for the kids to live with their mother, simply because she has more time to spend with them, but he wants free access to his children and he doesn't want Kathy to stop them from coming to see him when they want to. And he's going to fight the underlying adultery charge in court. No way is a lie going to prevent him from seeing his children. He wants to ask Casey to represent him when the time comes and Olivia is pretty sure Casey will agree to do it.
So far, Elliot hasn't seen Elizabeth and Dickie yet. He hasn't seen them in almost three months and that hurts. It hurts even more that Dickie doesn't want to see him and Olivia tries not to let that get to her too much. You did nothing wrong, Elliot keeps telling her and she knows that. Still, she knows that the Stablers are talking about her as much as Elliot and it stings.
And now he's suggesting finding an apartment together. How is that going to look? Olivia finds herself torn between her desire to keep Elliot close and the fear of causing even more problems for him.
She sighs and turns in her bed once more. It's going to be a long night.
...
The next morning, Captain Cragen asks Olivia to step into his office for a moment and she glances at Elliot. She isn't in trouble, is she? Elliot clearly doesn't know what's going on either and Olivia follows the Captain into his office alone.
"Anything wrong?" Olivia asks him as soon as she's closed the door.
"Not that I'm aware of, Olivia. Please sit down."
Cragen gestures at the chair across from his desk and sits down in his own chair. Olivia sits as well, upright, her hands resting on her knees.
"How have you been feeling lately? Everything still going well with the pregnancy?" the Captain asks her.
"Yes sir. I just had a check-up yesterday and everything looks just fine. I'm halfway there already," Olivia tells him.
"Good. That's good. Modified duty still doable for you?"
Olivia pulls her shoulders up and drops them again with a sigh.
"It's for a good cause, that's why I'm sticking it out. But I admit, I miss being out in the field where the action is."
"Understood. You will need to start thinking about what you're going to do once the baby is born."
"I know sir. And I will."
"That's good. And how are things going with your partner?"
Olivia raises her eyebrows at the unexpected question.
"Fine, sir. Why do you ask?"
Cragen stares at his desk for a moment before his eyes settle on her face again.
"Well, he's been living at your apartment for a while now. You're not getting on each others' nerves yet?"
"No more than usual," Olivia says with a half smile and Cragen chuckles.
"Alright. Point taken. Anything else I should know?"
"Like what?" Olivia asks, and for some undeterminable reason, her hands become clammy.
Cragen tries for a dismissive gesture with his hand but his eyes remain fixed on hers when he tells her,
"Anything worth sharing."
"No sir," she says, hoping to sound convincing while she tries not to think about why questions and remarks like this make her nervous lately. First her doctor, then Elliot and now the Captain. She looks down at her hands when the Captain keeps studying her face for a few long moments.
"Just …" he begins then, and when he stops talking, Olivia looks up at him.
"Sir?"
Cragen shakes his head lightly.
"Never mind," he says with a sigh but she can see some concern on his face.
What could he be concerned about?
"Is there anything I should know?" Olivia urges. "You seem worried about something. Should I fear for my job after I have the baby?"
"No no. It's nothing like that," Cragen is quick to say. "I'm really hoping you will want to stay on with us."
He glances at the window behind her and she knows he's looking at Elliot.
"Has Elliot said something to you?" she blurts out.
She can't imagine that Elliot would talk to the Captain about her behind her back but she's trying to figure out what Cragen's concern could be.
"No. And you know perfectly well he wouldn't do that, Olivia. But since you've brought it up: what could Elliot have said to me if he was that kind of person?"
"I have no idea," Olivia sighs, her shoulders sagging a bit.
She can only hope Elliot hasn't mentioned the idea of living under the same roof permanently to their superior officer. She sure isn't going to mention it herself, since she hasn't made a decision about it yet.
It looks like the conversation with Cragen is going nowhere so Olivia decides to stand up and walk to the door. If Cragen has anything else to tell her, he should do it fast.
"If there's nothing else, I'd like to go back to work," she announces, her hand already on the door handle.
Before she can open it, she hears her Captain sigh,
"I just don't want either of you to get hurt."
She whips back around and stares at the older man.
"Where did that come from?" she asks.
Cragen makes an apologizing gesture with his hands.
"I'm not blind, Olivia."
She cocks an eyebrow, still staring at the Captain.
"You two have been getting along better than ever."
"So?"
"His marriage has only just collapsed. You're both vulnerable right now."
Olivia purses her lips, suddenly understanding what the Captain is getting at. She shakes her head, feeling anger bubbling in her gut. He thinks he knows them so well, but the truth is, nobody understands their dynamic. How close they truly are and how deeply they care about each other.
"I would never hurt him," she says, her voice low and ominous. "And he wouldn't hurt me either. We're not kids, Captain. We don't act on a whim without thinking things through. I may be pregnant but I'm not stupid."
She decides to leave Cragen's office before she says something she may regret. She closes the door rather loudly behind her and a few people look up from their work. She's glad Munch and Fin are out in the field already. Elliot follows her with his eyes as she walks back to her desk and sits down.
"What happened?" he asks her softly.
"He just wanted to know how I'm doing," Olivia snaps, moving her computer mouse furiously to wake up her computer screen.
"Why are you angry about that?"
"He just implied that we …"
Olivia sighs and shakes her head. Elliot stares at her for a moment, realization dawning in his eyes.
"Is this about us? Did you tell him about my suggestion to look for a place together?"
"No. Did you?"
"Of course not."
When Olivia doesn't say anything else, Elliot asks her,
"Then what?"
"I think he's worried that … that we're … that I'm your rebound after the failure of your marriage and I'm clinging to you because I'm pregnant, and that things will end badly between us when we come to our senses."
Elliot leans back in his chair. His eyes flit to the Captain's office, and they see the older man standing behind the window, looking at them.
"Fuck him," Elliot mumbles and Olivia knows her partner is feeling the same anger she's feeling."You would never be just a rebound, Liv. You mean way too much to me."
"I know El. And I feel the same way about you. We'd never kill our friendship that way."
Elliot nods and leans forward again, resting his elbows on his desk. Olivia leans forward as well to hear what he has to say. His voice is gentle but determined when he tells her,
"Liv, if I were to pursue you, it would be the real thing. The whole package, to have and to hold. Because you deserve the world, and nothing less."
…
A/N: Ooooh. What is he saying? And how will Olivia react?