18. 22 days

She knows she's been avoiding him but the truth is, she doesn't know what to think anymore. They are going through the motions, preparing for their move in January as well as for the holidays, but each time Olivia thinks Elliot may bring up that kiss, she makes sure he can't. He literally took her breath away and she's been thinking about it way too often. She's tried to convince herself it had been an act for Murray's benefit, but she knows better. Her reaction definitely hadn't been an act.

Right now, she plans on leaving work early to visit Amaya at the shelter to bring her a Christmas gift, and she has told Elliot she doesn't know when she'll be home. She'll just grab something to eat in the city so he can go about his own business.

To his credit, Elliot has been giving her space while he is busy with preparations for his confrontation with Kathy in court. She's heard him on the phone with Casey and she's glad that the ADA has agreed to help him. Elliot has just left for the interrogation room to grill a suspect with Fin when Casey comes into the squad room, apparently looking for him.

"El's in interrogation Casey. Is it urgent?" she asks the ADA.

"Well, I came to drop this off for Cragen," Casey tells her, dropping a file on Elliot's desk. "And it's not urgent but I had hoped to talk to Elliot about something."

Casey seems to hesitate and then sits down in Elliot's chair. She leans her elbows on the desk and rests her chin on her clasped hands.

"Liv, while I'm here, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Casey glances around before continuing quietly.

"You know about the adultery charge, right?"

Olivia nods and sighs.

"Yes."

"Now I know there's no truth to it. Paternity is too easy to prove - or disprove - but I gotta ask … have there been any developments between you and Elliot since all of this started?"

Olivia stares at her friend and coworker with wide eyes.

"Where did that come from?" she asks her, feeling slightly unnerved.

"Well, Elliot told me about the apartment. It's great that he will be able to show the judge that he can have his kids over, but … the fact that he's sharing it with you may reflect badly on said charge."

"It's just ... practical," Olivia says. "I need a bigger place too for the baby, and Elliot had a hard time finding something nice on his own, since he's still paying for the house and will have to start paying alimony and child support soon."

"I understand all that, Liv. That wasn't my question."

Olivia leans back in her chair and blows out a breath slowly.

"I don't like the sound of that," Casey comments dryly and Olivia chuckles.

"Right. Well … I'm trying to keep my distance, Case. I don't wanna complicate things but …"

"You've had feeling for him for a long time."

Casey's statement hits her harder than she had expected and she just stares at the redhead for a moment. Casey shrugs and gives her a small smile.

"You've always been close, Liv. I guess it was only a matter of time. And now he's going to be a free man. But he isn't yet. You have to keep that in mind. He's going to be asked about your relationship and he will need to be able to answer truthfully that you're just friends. Good friends, but nothing more. You're just helping each other out."

Olivia nods slowly.

"I'd appreciate it if you told him that yourself," she says after a few moments.

"Why?"

"Well uhm … I'm kind of avoiding these kinds of topics at the moment."

"Why?" Casey asks again, and then her facial expression changes to one of shock.

"Or did something happen already? Please, say it isn't so!"

"No … no Casey. It's just …"

"Just what Liv? Come on. I need to be prepared before the hearing."

Olivia makes a helpless gesture with her hands. She doesn't have to pretend with Casey but how can she explain what is brewing between her and Elliot? The things he's said to her, jokingly but letting on that it wasn't entirely a joke? And the way he'd held her? And kissed her when they had agreed on the new apartment?

"We're friends. That's true. We support each other, and the reason I agreed to share an apartment with him, was for his kids. But El's been … suggestive, to say the least."

"Have you been making out?"

"No!"

"Feeling each other up?"

"No!"

"Then what, Liv? Flirting?"

"I guess … well, him mostly."

"I'll tell him to knock it off. After the hearing he can jump you for all I care, but I need full deniability until then."

On that note, Casey leaves Olivia alone with her thoughts. Full deniability. She can do that. They can do that. They've been doing it for years after all.

…

Amaya is very surprised to see Olivia and tears up when she sees the gift Olivia has brought her.

"Us pregnant girls need to pamper ourselves," Olivia explains while Amaya looks out all the hair and skin care products one by one that she's bought for her.

"I … I don't know what to say," the girl stammers.

Olivia simply hugs her, telling her that she doesn't have to say anything, just enjoy taking care of herself. They chat for a while and Olivia is pleased to hear that Amaya is doing well, considering. She feels safe in the shelter and her father hasn't bothered her anymore. She's told her boyfriend about the baby and he's ecstatic about the prospect of becoming a father. He is more motivated than ever to clean up his act once he gets out of prison and there is hope in Amaya's eyes for the future.

"Have you told your baby daddy yet?" Amaya inquires.

Olivia shakes her head.

"Not yet, but I'm going to. Right after Christmas at 24 weeks, like you suggested."

"I hope he's as happy as Tony," Amaya beams, and Olivia manages to keep a happy smile pasted on her face.

"If he's not, I can be happy for two," she replies.

When she finally heads home, she is still thinking about it. She knows someone who is almost as happy for her as she is, and he's probably waiting for her at home. She thought she'd feel relieved now that Casey has practically ordered them to keep their distance from each other. But if truth be told, it makes her even more restless now. How will Elliot react, assuming that Casey has already talked to him? Will he think she has put Casey up to it? No, he wouldn't. He knows that she has no problem standing up for herself. Well, usually. It's not like it's difficult to tell a man off, but this is Elliot. And no matter how the thought of getting closer to him may scare her, for fear of losing their friendship, she knows she doesn't want to tell him off. Their circumstances are too volatile right now but in the end, she knows she's screwed. The possibility of that which had seemed impossible for a long time won't let go of her anymore. She can blame her hormones all she wants but she knows that's crap.

They need to park their feelings - again - until further notice and the exercise is proving more difficult now than it used to be. There is something beckoning her, a glimpse of a future that she'd seen in those moments in the kitchen of their new place. Their new place.

I thought I'd just stay with you.

Elliot's words won't leave her alone. He has no plans of starting to date again.

I thought I'd just stay with you.

"I want to stay with you too," she whispers in the confines of her car and hearing herself say it out loud makes it even more real. By the time she climbs the stairs to her apartment, she feels tired of all the thinking she's been doing. She enters the apartment quietly, kicks off her shoes and hangs her coat on the rack. She pads to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and she doesn't spot Elliot sitting on the couch in the dimly lit room until she walks over to the couch.

"Hey, I hadn't seen you sitting here," she says softly, hoping to mask the immediate tightness she feels in her chest.

"Hm," is all Elliot says.

She decides to sit in the only armchair she has and looks at her partner, who is nursing a beer while staring at the TV, which isn't even on.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asks.

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything."

"Anything wrong?"

Elliot takes a deep breath before answering her.

"Court date has been set."

"Okay. And? When is it?"

"January 9th."

Olivia takes a long draw of her water, calculating in her head how many days it is until the 9th. It's December 18 now so twenty-two days.

"You nervous about it?"

Elliot finally looks at her but she can't really make out his face, since the only light in the room is coming from the kitchen behind him.

"Lets just say that this is not how I had imagined spending the holidays this year," he says dejectedly.

"I'm sorry," Olivia offers. "I wish things were different too. You should be with your family."

Elliot takes another sip of beer before answering.

"Maybe. But that's not what I meant."

Olivia frowns and searches the outlines of his face for clues as to what he means.

"You talked to Casey too, right?" Elliot asks her.

"I did."

She thinks she's starting to understand but she's afraid to just assume, so she waits for Elliot to say more.

"We'll be moving around that time too," Elliot remarks.

"Yeah. It will be busy. We have the whole month to move if you want to wait a little longer …"

"No," Elliot cuts her off. "I don't wanna wait. I hate waiting."

"El … if this is about …"

"I wanted to make the holidays special Liv. Show you what it could be like. And now … we gotta pretend like we have completely separate lives."

"Completely separate? Is that what Casey said? Because we're still good friends, El. We can still hang out."

Elliot nods slowly.

"I know."

"But?"

He shrugs then and takes another gulp of beer.

"Maybe I'm overreacting."

"It's all very stressful, it's only natural to …"

"I know Liv," Elliot interrupts. "It's fine."

Olivia's concern for her friend overrides her own nervousness and insecurity for the moment, and she stands up to sit next to him on the couch, placing her water bottle on the table. She takes the beer bottle from Elliot's hand and puts it on the table as well. It looks like it's his third already.

"What's wrong with being good friends?" she asks him when he finally turns his head to look at her.

Elliot reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and lets his fingertips graze her cheek before he pulls his hand away.

"Nothing."

He looks at her more attentively and suddenly tells her,

"I like that you're letting your hair grow out."

Olivia chuckles and it elicits a smile from Elliot as well.

"Thanks. See. That wasn't so hard."

She can make out the look in his eyes now while he stares at her a few moments longer, and it's as if his eyes are asking her, you really don't have a clue?

But she does and the nervousness is back.

"Let's just … watch some TV before we go to bed, alright?" she suggests.

One corner of Elliot's mouth tugs up and she knows he's tempted to make another joke-that's-only-half-a-joke, so she places her index finger over his mouth before he can speak.

"Shush," she tells him, and now Elliot chuckles as well.

She grabs the remote and puts a sitcom on that's on perpetual rerun, and which they both enjoy. They both pick up their bottles again and settle in on the couch next to each other. When Elliot drapes his arm on the backrest behind her, Olivia scoots closer to him and rests her head against his shoulder. Elliot lowers his arm until it's around her shoulders, and squeezes her shoulder gently. They sit together in silence, watching the sitcom and chuckling from time to time at the silly jokes. After a while, Elliot rubs his cheek against Olivia's head and mumbles,

"This is nice."

"Yeah," Olivia says softly. "It is."

They can do this, she tells herself again. After all, it will only be for three more weeks.

...