21. What if

"Okay. So tell me Olive. Why are you calling?"

…

Olivia takes a deep breath and feels Elliot's hand rubbing her back encouragingly. It's the moment of truth. Still, she has a hard time saying the words.

"Well … when we were together, do you remember that we got really drunk one time and … we didn't use protection? And then we didn't bother with it at all anymore?"

There is silence on the line then, until they hear Miguel take a breath.

"My God … don't tell me you weren't clean after all. No no no!"

He's thinking about an STD.

"Miguel, no. No! It's nothing like that. Just listen, okay?"

"Come on Olive! Why else would you call me out of the blue and start talking about us not using protection? Is it HIV? Just say it babe, so I can get tested."

Olivia squeezes her eyes shut and forces herself to keep on talking.

"No Miguel. I'm not HIV positive. I swear. I told you I was clean and and I am. I just … I called to tell you I'm pregnant."

She holds her breath after that and for a few moments, all she can hear is her own rapid heartbeat ringing in her ears. She starts to breathe out in small bursts when Miguel finally says something.

"Pregnant? Okay … well. Congratulations I guess. I know you always wanted a family but why … oh wait."

She can almost hear things click on the other end of the line.

"How far along are you?" Miguel asks, suddenly sounding tense.

"Twenty-three weeks."

Her voice sounds hollow, foreign even to herself, and Elliot's hand rubbing her back is the only thing keeping her grounded at the moment. The silence on the phone is deafening once more.

"It's … mine?" Miguel finally croaks.

"Yes."

Then they hear Miguel chuckle nervously.

Geez, Olive. I mean …man! This was the last thing I expected to hear! I … I need some time to …"

"Of course. I understand," Olivia manages to say, interrupting Miguel. "Just know that … that I'm not asking you for anything. I don't need money or anything else from you. I just wanted you to know because … I want my son to know where he came from, and that means you have to know about him too. He has a right to know. I don't want him to go through what I went through."

After another pause, Miguel asks,

"A son?"

"Yeah. We already know it's a boy."

"We? Who's we? You got a boyfriend now? You sure he isn't the daddy?"

Olivia glances at Elliot, who is staring intently at her phone and doesn't react visibly to the question Miguel has just asked.

"I'm very sure Miguel," she tells her former lover. "I'm sorry to spring this on you this way but … I never had any doubts about keeping him and I will take good care of him."

"Babe, I respect your decision to keep him but … I guess I never told you this, but one of the things Jamie and me used to argue about, was kids. She absolutely doesn't want them. Ever. If she finds out that I'm having one with another woman behind her back anyway … man! She'll never talk to me again. She can never find out."

It sounds like Miguel is pacing and Olivia can't help but feel bad for him. Still, his initial response gives her some room to breathe. It doesn't look like Miguel will be hopping on a plane any time soon to claim his parental rights. And if he doesn't want his girlfriend to know, he won't ask her to ship the child out to Florida either.

She hears Elliot whispering softly near her ear,

"It's gonna be okay."

She nods and tries for a small smile, but she's still tense. Miguel is in shock right now but how will he feel about things in the morning?

"Miguel, I don't plan to tell anyone else about who the father of my child is. Don't worry about that. You don't even have to be on the birth certificate."

"Father. That's such a … weird word."

Olivia takes another breath to try and calm herself. Then she tells Miguel,

"I'm not asking you to be a father, Miguel. I just wanted you to know."

"Yeah. Okay. I just need to … can I call you back tomorrow? I gotta let this sink in."

"Of course. You have my number."

"Yeah. Even got your picture attached to it, but I guess I should delete that now."

"So Jamie won't see?"

"Right."

"Okay … then … I guess I'll talk to you later?"

"Right. I just gotta …. I'll call you back tomorrow."

"Okay. Talk to you then."

"Talk to you then. Bye Olive."

…

She almost drops the phone from her trembling hands after Miguel hangs up and Elliot takes it and puts it on the floor before wrapping his arms around her.

"Come here," he whispers and Olivia lets him hold her close while she tries to breathe through all the tension that's been bottled up inside her. She doesn't want to cry but she can't keep a few tears from escaping.

"It's okay," Elliot tells her softly and she's tempted to let it all out.

She hides her face in the juncture between his shoulder and his neck and closes her eyes, trying to keep her breathing steady, but she fails, letting out shaky puffs of air instead.

"You're gonna start hyperventilating if you don't let it out Liv," Elliot cautions and she knows he's right. But she never cries in front of other people and she hadn't planned on starting now.

"You can be strong another time Liv," Elliot whispers and that finally breaks her resistance.

Elliot just holds her without speaking while she lets out all the tension about having to tell Miguel. She cries softly at first, but then bigger waves of tension are finding their way to the surface, as well as tears of relief. After a while she's sobbing so hard that she can't help worrying about the little boy in her womb. But when she manages to ask, in between sobs, if she isn't upsetting tater boy, Elliot assures her she's not.

"I think he'll be relieved that mommy will be more relaxed after today," he tells her softly, and Olivia smiles through her tears.

"Thanks for being here," she manages to say before she tucks her face in the crook of his neck again.

"Always Liv. Always."

...

Olivia is glad she's finally called Miguel. She feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Her son's life won't be built on lies. But she doesn't sleep that night. As soon as she tries to relax in her bed, her mind starts bombarding her with a barrage of what-if questions. What if Miguel changes his mind? He did say Jamie doesn't want kids and they fought about it, so that means he does want them. What if he wants to be a part of tater boy's life? What will that look like? What if he becomes angry at her for having the baby after thinking about things? What if Jamie finds out and Miguel hates her for messing up his chances with the woman he loves? She even goes as far as wondering what if everything goes fine at first and then Miguel comes to visit and falls in love with the baby?

Olivia heaves a sigh and turns around for the twentieth time when she hears a soft knock on her door. She rolls back on her back and frowns. There can only be one person at her bedroom door but she's still a little startled.

"El?" she says, and he opens the door quietly.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

Olivia sits up and scoots back until she's leaning against the headboard of the bed.

"What's up?" she asks her partner, and then she notices the mug in his hand.

"I made you some warm milk. Thought it might help you fall asleep."

Olivia bites her lip to hide the smirk that tries to form on her face.

"Didn't know I was keeping you up with my tossing and turning," she remarks.

Elliot sits on the edge of her bed, pulling one leg up underneath himself so he can face her, and hands her the mug.

"Couldn't sleep either," he tells her with a slight shrug. "A lot of stuff to think about."

"Yeah."

Olivia takes a sip of the milk and when the warm liquid reaches her stomach, she feels her body relax almost instantly.

"Tater boy likes milk," she tells Elliot with a smile.

"He's gonna need a new name soon," Elliot says.

"I was just thinking that earlier," Olivia says, nodding. "He is one huge potato by now."

"We'll think of something at our next doctor's appointment," Elliot states.

Olivia nods again and takes another sip of milk. It feels so natural to talk about these things with Elliot and to talk about 'we'. But they're not an official we. Yet. She glances at her partner again and he seems to be deep in thought.

"What did you think of Miguel?" Olivia asks him.

They've discussed Miguel's reaction a little after she had calmed down, but they haven't talked about what kind of a man he is yet.

Elliot looks at her and wiggles his head.

"He seems decent enough. He didn't blow up at you, so that's a plus. I don't know if I would have stayed that calm."

Olivia squints to study Elliot's face in the dimly lit room.

"Would you have been angry?"

"At you?"

She chuckles involuntarily. That would be something. Pregnant with Elliot's child.

"I mean in general," she adds. "If someone told you she was carrying your child and keeping it."

Elliot thinks about her question for a few moments.

"I'll just have to imagine being with someone I'm not involved with," he muses, and she realizes that he's probably never had those kinds of encounters. He married the first girl he got pregnant, and he's still legally married to that same person after almost twenty years. Even after his divorce, she doesn't expect him to venture into meaningless sex at all. He's just not that kind of man, no matter what Alex says.

"I do know that it's important to me to know everything about my kids so … if I had another one on the way, I would want to know immediately," Elliot finally says.

She knows that there is more to his remarks, and she finishes for him,

"But you'd never knock someone up you're not serious about."

Elliot looks at her and puts a hand on her knee over the covers.

"I'm not judging you, Liv. Or him."

"I know El. That's not what I meant. I just mean that this wouldn't happen to you. You'd be in the mother's life. She wouldn't have to call you."

"I guess you're right about that. But you never know. It's not like you planned to meet someone on vacation, is it?"

Olivia pulls her shoulders up and gives her partner a half smile.

"I was open to the idea."

"Of a relationship?"

She shakes her head then.

"No. Of a fling. I mean, we deal with sick sexual crap all day on the job. I need to be reminded just how great it's supposed to be from time to time."

Elliot nods and looks away, suddenly seeming a little uncomfortable.

"Still not judging me?" Olivia quips, placing her hand over his hand on her knee, but she knows she's only half joking. She isn't ashamed of how she has lived her life until now, but somehow she needs Elliot to understand.

"No," Elliot says softly, squeezing her knee.

She sees a trace of sadness in his eyes and she wants to tell him she doesn't need his pity, but when Elliot turns to her and reaches up his free hand to touch her cheek, she loses her ability to speak for a moment. The look in his eyes is intense and she wants to look away, but it's like she can't. Elliot is looking into her eyes, but she feels like he's looking straight into her soul while showing her his own. She feels drawn to him and she suddenly knows why he is a little sad. It's not because he pities her for her lifestyle. It's because he would have wanted to be the one to show her how great it's supposed to be.

She takes a deep breath, and Elliot's eyes move to her parting lips. She wants to say something but she's afraid to break the spell. Then, Elliot seems to snap out of his daze. He drops his hand from her face and stands up, pulling his other hand from underneath hers in the process.

"Finish your milk and try to get some sleep?" he says, his voice sounding raspy and strained.

"Yeah," Olivia whispers.

She blinks a few times when Elliot leans over her and kisses the top of her head, before practically bolting out of her room. She clutches her warm mug and takes a few deep breaths before drinking the remaining milk. Get some sleep, he says? He's just given her even more to think about!

...

A/N: Another "what if" ...
To be continued.