22. Restless
The next day, Olivia is a little restless. After too little sleep, they are up early and head out to work, but Olivia keeps checking her phone. She wonders what has been going through Miguel's mind during the night. She is very much aware that that one phone call she made to him the evening before, has changed his life forever. She remembers that first weekend when she had just found out she was pregnant. She hadn't been able to think about anything else. She doesn't regret telling Miguel about the baby, it's given her some sense of peace, but she does feel sorry for upsetting his life like this. He's a good man, and she can only hope that he will accept the fact that he will have a child in New York, and that he'll be able to go on with his own life.
"You okay?" Elliot asks her during their lunch break in the breakroom at the station.
Olivia shrugs.
"Just thinking."
"I understand. I don't think he'll call during the day though. He knows you have a job and I take it he has one too?"
It's two days before Christmas but it's a normal Tuesday so Olivia assumes that Miguel is, indeed, working. He may even be busier than usual because of the holidays.
"Yeah. His grandfather started the family bakery in Tampa and it's grown a lot since. Miguel's the third generation and he's second in command now, preparing to take over from his father one day."
"A baker? Does he make cakes too?" Elliot asks, attempting to distract Olivia from her worries, but Olivia shakes her head.
"Don't, El. He's not going to be catering our parties. He's not going to be a part of my life. Not like that, anyway. Would you really want that?"
"I guess it would be uncomfortable," Elliot admits. "I'm just … hoping that he'll be accomodating."
"I get it El. But frankly, I just hope he will accept it and go on with his own life."
Elliot nods and takes another bite of his club sandwich, but she can almost hear him thinking. If he had a child somewhere, he would definitely want to be part of its life. That's just the kind of man that he is, and she loves him for it.
Olivia swallows hard when she realizes what she's been thinking. Love? Really Benson? It's just an expression, right? But she's loved him as a friend for a long time, hasn't she? That's love too, she tells herself. She knows very well that she's been developing a different attraction to Elliot though. She thinks it's probably always been there, but now, it's just starting to take up more space, since Kathy kicked him out.
"You okay?" Elliot asks her again, watching her intently.
"Would you stop asking me that?" Olivia snaps. "I'm fine. Just … let's just get back to work."
Elliot raises an eyebrow and she expects a snide comeback, but he settles for a simple, slightly sarcastic "yes ma'am". He knows perfectly well that Olivia will get the message. She rolls her eyes, not ready to admit that there really wasn't a reason to snap at her partner. She just needs to stop thinking about him in any other capacity than her partner while they're on the job.
...
Elliot doesn't make it easy for her.
They have a new case after lunch, and on the drive from the crime scene to the hospital, he suddenly asks her,
"Liv, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Last night, when I asked you if you were hoping to meet someone during your vacation, you said you were open to a fling but not an actual relationship."
Olivia's eyes widen a bit and she forces herself to keep looking straight ahead at the car in front of theirs. She hadn't expected Elliot to ask her something so personal in the middle of their work day.
"Uhm, yeah. I did say that."
"But I know you always wanted a family, so … why weren't you hoping for more than a fling?"
Olivia drops her head against the headrest of her seat and studies his profile. Is he serious?
"I was in Florida. It wouldn't have been very practical, El," she sighs.
"Okay."
She knows he wants to ask her more but she hopes he'll just drop the entire subject.
"So you do look for more on dates here in the city?"
Why doesn't he stop talking ...
"Of course I do."
He seems to accept her answer for now but unfortunately, now the subject won't leave her own thoughts. Does she really look for more when she's on dates in the city? Doesn't she simply date for the same reason she had slept with Miguel on vacation? To experience good sex as opposed to the twisted things they are confronted with on the job? She doesn't ever open up to her dates. Not really. Most of them don't even know what she does for a living. She prefers it that way because once they find out she's part of the 'sex police', they are either creeped out or way too interested to know more about it. The only ones who are normal about the job, are her coworkers. And the only coworker she's ever truly opened up to, is Elliot ...
They arrive at the hospital and Olivia focuses on her job. The woman who was attacked earlier deserves her full attention and they both switch to cop mode effortlessly once they walk into the examining room together.
…
"I hate this," Elliot mumbles under his breath when they leave the room an hour later.
Olivia sighs as they walk. She knows why Elliot is upset and she doesn't flinch when he slams the sliding door on their way out of the hospital.
Olivia looks at her partner and can see the horror in his face. She puts a hand on his arm and they stop walking. She just looks at him, knowing that he needs to talk to find his bearings again, and work this case like any other.
Elliot sighs and shakes his head, closing his eyes for a moment.
"I know you noticed it too," he says, his voice barely more than a whisper.
"I did. They could be sisters."
Their victim looks so much like Kathy that it's uncanny. Elliot looks out over the parking lot and Olivia squeezes his arm comfortingly.
"Why don't you call her tonight? Just to make sure she's alright."
Elliot scoffs.
"Call her? How do you think that's gonna go? Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you but we just had a rape victim who looks like you? I've always made sure to keep this stuff away from her."
He suddenly starts walking again and Olivia drops her hand from his arm. She has to walk fast to keep up with Elliot. When he reaches the driver's side of the car, he turns to her and looks over the roof of the car when he tells her,
"Let's just solve this case and get justice for Mrs. Barnes."
And that's the end of their conversation.
But it stays on Olivia's mind for the rest of the day. She knows Elliot still loves Kathy, despite everything. He is still protective of her. He may say he can do without her, but Olivia is pretty sure he'd want his wife back if she apologized to him for accusing him of cheating on her. It makes her restless and she has a hard time acknowledging why. At one time, it had been second nature to push her own feelings aside. But now that there is more room for them, she finds it increasingly difficult to push them out of her mind. Besides, she and Elliot are renting an apartment together as of next month. He can't just leave again because she wouldn't be able to afford it on her own.
All in all, it only adds to her own unrest to think that she may be renting a place with Elliot, but he will never be completely hers. Kathy will always be his first love.
...
They work their case, canvassing the neighborhood and talking to the husband and the oldest of their victim's three children, but they can't find any usable leads on the first day. The lab is backed up and won't have anything for them until tomorrow and an air of defeat hangs between the two partners at the end of the day. Elliot had wanted to wrap this case up quickly for obvious reasons, and Olivia had wanted to for him. The only upside is, that they are going to have dinner at a reasonable hour. They pick up pizza on their way home and eat in front of the TV.
Olivia feels a thump in her left side and sits up, putting her right hand over the spot. She glances at Elliot, who is still staring at the TV. Their mood hasn't improved much until now, but her son is providing a very welcome positive note to their evening. She feels another thump, and this time, she feels it against her hand as well.
"El," she whispers, almost afraid to distract tater boy.
Elliot looks at her and then down at her arm across her belly.
"Give me your hand," Olivia says quietly, holding out her own hand but sitting perfectly still otherwise.
"Tater boy?" Elliot asks, a small smile appearing on his lips while he sets down his slice of pizza.
Olivia nods and grabs his hand to guide it to the right spot. He is sitting on her right side, so he needs to reach around her belly and he scoots closer to her, until their thighs are touching, draping his left arm behind her on the backrest of the couch.
"There," Olivia whispers, looking at Elliot expectantly while they wait for her son to kick again. And then he does and two pairs of eyes beam at each other. He felt it too!
"It's amazing, isn't it?" Olivia asks her partner and he nods.
"Kind of puts everything in perspective again, doesn't it?" he muses.
He grins when the baby kicks against his hand again.
"Yeah," Olivia agrees, and she places her hand over Elliot's, looking down at their hands on her belly. There is still a lot of good in the world that they can enjoy, and her child is one of those good things. "He's gonna have a good life."
"He is," Elliot agrees. "We're gonna make sure of that."
"We are," Olivia agrees, but her heartbeat speeds up a little at Elliot's casual use of the word 'we'.
She turns her head to look at him and is a little shocked at how close his face is to hers.
"I'll support you every step of the way Liv," Elliot says, and it tells her that maybe his use of the word 'we' hadn't been so casual after all. "I'll be there for your son too."
"Thank you," Olivia says softly, almost whispering. "But I'm not asking you to take care of us, El. Just because we're going to be sharing a place …"
"Shhhh," Elliot says and she swears his face is now even closer than before.
Her son decides it's time for another firm kick and Elliot's eyes flick down from her face to their hands. They both smile and when Elliot looks into her eyes again, her breath hitches. The way he's looking at her now, definitely suggests he'd want to share more with her than just an apartment.
"I could be a father figure to him," Elliot mumbles, his eyes dropping to her lips.
Olivia bites her lower lip and then reminds her partner,
"El, Casey did say we shouldn't …"
Elliot drops his forehead against hers then and sighs. Olivia closes her eyes, trying very hard not to let her feelings overwhelm her. She opens them when Elliot takes a breath to say something, but the shrill sound of her phone ringing startles them both and they pull back simultaneously. Olivia stares at her phone on the coffee table and her stomach drops when she sees the caller ID on the display.
"Miguel."
...
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