"Jayson, come here," Steve said arms crossed.
I heaved a sigh and stood to follow him to his room. I kept my eyes on the floor with my head bowed. When we go to his room he pushed me carefully so I was sitting on the bed.
"Jay look at me." He said, voice soft.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Jay please look at me." He said again.
I did.
"I'm not mad at you and neither is Tony. You have PTSD. We've deduced that your anger towards the others is just you trying to regain some semblance of control. Due to that, Natasha is going to move back in with Maria. Jayson, this isn't your fault." He explained.
"It is. I should be able to control my anger." I said sadly.
"Jay, listen to me carefully." He said crouching down and cupping my face between his hands. "This is not your fault. I don't know what Bucky did to you but it isn't your fault."
"Steve, what's your relationship with Bucky?" I questioned lightly.
He sighed and sat next to me."He was my best friend before the ice. I already told you about how sick I was before the serum. Bucky and I met at school. he always stood up to the bullies that picked on me because I was so small. We enlisted together when world war II started. I didn't make the cut but he did. The one thing I wanted more than to prove that I could be a soldier, was to be fighting alongside my best friend. When Howard gave me the serum, I was finally able to join him on the front line. Shortly after there was this train and I thought he was dead. A year or so ago I found out that he was alive and working for Hydra as a brainwashed assassin, known as the Winter Soldier. I've been trying to follow leads and find him again."
"Why did you chose me over him?" I asked.
"Because I would never let you die. I'd give up saving Bucky every time if it meant I got to keep you by my side." He said taking my hand and intertwining out fingers.
I turned pulling him into a kiss. He kissed me back laying us back on the bed so he was on top. I grabbed his shirt pulling him closer. His tongue danced across my lips before they parted slightly. His hand stroked my face, neck, and chest. He pulled away suddenly to yank my shirt over my head. Our eyes met for a brief moment and his pupils were blown wide and the normal sky blue was dark and clouded. He leaned back down covering my lips with his. His hands ran down my chest, thumbs brushing my nipples. I let out a light moan.
Slowly I let my hands roam his torso until I got irritated that his shirt was in my way. I tugged at the hem of his shirt until he sat back and took it off. I licked my lips as his chest was exposed. He gave me an uncharacteristic smirk as he reached down running one finger from my Adam's apple to the edge of my sweats teasingly. I swallowed hard.
"Such a good boy." He purred.
My breath hitched and I reached out to touch him but he grabbed my wrist and pinned it by my head. I whimpered as he leaned over wagging a finger back and forth.
"No. No, touching." He said brushing his lips against mine.
I nodded my head never breaking eye contact.
"Good boy." He whispered leaning back.
He used his free hand to tease my body down to the waistband of my sweats. I whimpered again. Shifting my hips slightly. I yelped when he slapped my outer thigh just enough for it to sting.
"Be still. Give me a safe word." He said eyes glazed.
"Shield." I immediately blurted.
"Alright, now be still." He demanded.
"Yes, Captain," I said timidly.
He growled and continued to slowly push down my sweats until my cock was exposed. His fingers touched everywhere but where I wanted them to. I groaned in frustration.
"Wait." He commanded.
"Yes, Captain," I grunted out.
He teased me some more until finally, his hand wrapped around the shaft. I let out a moan as his hand slowly began to move. Our eyes met and I felt my face heat up with embarrassment. He leaned down to kiss me sweetly before quickening the pace. I moaned trying to keep my hips still.
"Cum for me." He whispered with force.
I did with a short cry. The sheer force of the orgasm taking over my body. Wave after wave of euphoric bliss washed over me. As I came back down I felt a warm rag being rubbed over my chest and stomach. Steve was also whispering "good boy" over and over into my ear.
"Are you with me now?" He questioned.
I hummed my response.
"Good boy." He purred in my ear. " Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
I obeyed falling asleep quickly. When I woke up Steve was sitting on the bed propped up with my head on his stomach. His fingers were stroking my hair. I felt like my head was swimming and I was happy.
"Jay, you're awake," Steve said smiling.
I hummed my response, body still feeling heavy and like it was floating.
"Come one, let's get you in a shower," Steve said giving me a bright smile.
"Before a shower let me return the favor," I said slowly pushing myself up.
"No, Jay. This isn't a business, we're not making a trade." Steve said sitting up.
"Come on, let me do something for you,"I whined.
"Jay, the answer is no. Go take a shower and I'll order some food." Steve said reaching for his shirt.
I pouted feeling rejected.
"No, don't make that face. One day, I'll let you do whatever you want to me but right now you need to understand that I'm here to take care of you, and I don't want anything in return." Steve said kissing my lips. " Now, please go take a shower. Food should be here after you're done."
I reluctantly nodded my head and did as I was told. The hot water felt amazing running over my body. I washed thoroughly feeling my mind finally coming down from the high Steve had given me. I almost felt sad but brushed it away because I had no reason to be sad. When I was clean I dried myself and got dressed going to the kitchen where Steve was unpacking Asian food.
"Just in time. I thought that maybe we could sit in the living room and watch a movie with our dinner." Steve said grabbing a fork while balancing the containers of food.
I smiled and nodded. It would be a nice change of pace. We sat on the sofa watching "Ghost Ship". Steve was feeding me while I sat curled up on his lap. It was supposed to be a horror movie but all in all, I didn't find it scary, just laughable. I didn't really know why Steve was feeding me but I really didn't care either. It felt nice. Not having to worry about myself, just letting Steve take care of me. After the food was finished we just sat there wrapped in each other's arms when suddenly I felt myself crying.
"Are you okay?" Steve asked carefully.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I don't know what is wrong with me." I said trying in vain to wipe the tears away.
"This is normal, Jay. A lot of people experience their emotions running high while dropping. Especially in the beginning." Steve said.
I thought about the article that Natasha had me read, it had briefly cover sub-space, aftercare, and sub-drop but that was it. I made a mental note to look more into it later as I nodded my understanding about what Steve had told me. We continued to sit together until Agent Sparkles started knocking at our back door, grinning like an idiot. Steve rolled his eyes but answered the door anyway.
"What can I do for you?" Steve greeted.
"It's new years! Or have you forgotten? Anyway, I set up some fireworks. Come outside." He said excitedly.
"I'm really not sure that's a good idea." Steve hesitated.
"Come on. Put your jackets on and come watch the fireworks. It took hours for me to get it all together." The agent pleaded.
"Alright, we will be out in a minute." Steve agreed.
Steve and I put on our jackets and shoes and then went out to the back yard. A few agents were gathered around the yard and Agent Sparkles was almost bouncing where he stood from all of the excitement coursing through him. Steve and I sat on the ground and once everyone was seated the agent started the fireworks.
I felt Steve tense up at the bright lights and loud thunder-like sounds. Before I knew it was happening, I was morphed and on all fours growling at the loud noises while placing my body under Steve's arm so I was standing between his body and the fireworks. Despite my own fear, I continued to growl and bark at the noises feeling Steve shaking against me. Soon more fireworks were set off back to back and all I could do was bark louder trying to make Steve feel like I was scaring away the threat. My ears flattened as I heard a sound coming from him. I thought it might have been a choked whimper but he started laughing. I looked at him confused.
"I'm sorry, I know you're scared but you're acting like a puppy. It's really cute." Steve said trying to stifle more laughs threatening to escape.
"Are you two okay?" Agent Sparkles asked jogging over to us.
I released a growl, warning him not to come any closer.
"We're fine, just no more fireworks," Steve said patting my shoulder.
"Fair enough." The agent said holding up both hands.
"Jay, are you ready for bed?" Steve asked.
I recast myself and nodded. We made our way inside and took off our shoes and Jacket.
"Alright Jay, you need to get some rest," Steve said giving me a tired smile.
Fear spiked inside of me,"Um, yeah, okay."
"Are you okay?" He questioned.
I nodded kissing his cheek and headed to my room. I didn't want to sleep alone, didn't want to be alone. But I tried to suck it up and be the unafraid warrior I'd been most of my life. I laid in bed trying to sleep. Instead, my mind wouldn't shut up about how far I'd fallen. I'd been strong, things like what Bucky had done didn't bother me. I'd always been able to bounce back from anything that Hydra could throw at me. The phobia of thunderstorms being the only exception and by far the most effective form of training until Bucky's rehab. I couldn't figure out why he'd gotten under my skin so much.
It wasn't because he was Steve's best friend in the past, I hadn't even known that until I got back and asked Steve. After that thought, my brain clicked. Bucky reminded me of Steve in the most nominal and idiosyncratic way. While being abused by Bucky, my mind could only process the insignificant similarities that I'd somehow put together. I worked that over and couldn't figure out why Steve was also the only person I could stand to be around. I growled to myself not able to figure it out. There was no reason for me to be so angry with everyone.
I looked at the clock and sighed. It was five on the dot. There was no way in hell that I was going to sleep just to wake up in forty-five minutes. I got up got dressed and went to the gym. Steve already had a punching bag strung up and I went to town, unleashing frustrations that I wasn't even sure were possible. Mostly with myself. I shouldn't need saving. I shouldn't need comfort. I shouldn't need to have Steve with me all of the time. When I was finally finished it was 6:52 and my knuckles were a bloody mess.
"Feel better?" Steve asked from the doorway.
I spun around meeting his gaze steadily." Yeah."
"Good, what had you so upset?" He asked walking over slowly.
"Could you not?" I snapped.
"What?" He questioned stopping.
"Treat me like with one wrong move I'm going to break. I won't." I said sharply.
"Jay, I'm not trying to treat you like you're fragile. I don't think you are." He said carefully.
I rolled my eyes and muttered a "whatever" as I stormed passed him. I walked into our shared bathroom and violently stripped myself of my clothes and took a shower. Steve's careful treatment of me wasn't all his fault either. I'd become weak, shown him that weakness and expected him to treat me like I wasn't.