30. Tender

Olivia is lying on her back in bed, listening to the sounds of the other occupant of the apartment. She knows Elliot had continued to watch some TV after she had gone to bed. Probably to do some thinking. First, he had waited for her to come out of the shower safely. Then he'd grabbed another beer, telling her it would be his last one, and now it seems he's finally going to bed as well.

She turns her head to look outside through the window. They haven't gotten any drapes yet, but they are in the making. Deciding on a fabric together had been fun and she's relieved that they were able to spend their Sunday off comfortably. They managed to find a lamp for the living room that they both like, and Elliot wanted to install it the moment they got home. She still remembers how she had teased him when he had climbed on a chair once again. When he had pretended to lose his balance, she had wrapped her arms around his legs dramatically and they'd had fun together. And the lamp works!

But she knows why he took some time to think before going to bed tonight. There's something brewing between them and she's still afraid to let it happen. She remembers how he had kissed her neck in the kitchen that morning and how he had kissed her skin again tonight. It's becoming a habit of his.

"He's kicking again."

Elliot's blue eyes light up and he sits up to look at her belly.

"Up here," she tells him, pointing at the top right of her baby bump.

She sees apprehension flash across Elliot's face and she knows he is aware that his hand would be just below her right breast if he put it there. Her boobs are beginning to grow as well. She swallows and simply puts her own hand over the spot. Her son kicks again and she smiles. He can always put a smile on her face, even when she's nervous.

"Again?" Elliot asks.

He seems to have accepted that he won't be feeling the baby kick tonight.

"Ooh, three times, very fast. You think that could be the effect of the coffee I had this morning?"

She's been a little worried about drinking coffee but Elliot suddenly laughs out loud. It's a hearty laugh and she can't help laughing with him.

"That little bit of coffee is long gone, Liv. Don't worry about it."

"He's very busy though. Come on, you gotta feel this."

She's excited about the life she can feel moving inside her, and her nerves are forgotten momentarily. She grabs Elliot's hand and guides it to the right spot, just like they've done before.

"Awesome," Elliot says reverently.

He can feel tater boy kicking clearly now and the little man isn't stopping.

"I think he's training for something," Olivia muses, captivated by the feeling of her son moving about.

"Well, he knows by now that his mom is badass, so he'll have to keep up with her," Elliot jokes, and Olivia shoves his shoulder playfully.

Elliot's hand shifts upward in the process and they both freeze for a split second. His hand is now pressed against the underside of her right breast. Too close, Olivia thinks. And not close enough. She's yearned to be touched again and her own hands never make her feel like this. Elliot's barely touching her but he's sending little electrical shockwaves through her breast. Actually, both of her breasts are responding. Her body's reaction to the mere possibility of his touch is unreal and she holds her breath, not looking at Elliot, waiting for him to move his hand back down. Or up. No … down. It should go down.

After what feels like an eternity, Elliot finally moves his hand down an inch. A firm kick distracts both of them and they grin, but when Elliot retracts his hand she can tell he is affected as well. How she wishes she could look inside his head for just a minute, to know what he's thinking. Maybe she should just ask him.

"You okay?" she mumbles.

Elliot bobs his head without looking at her. He's leaning forward, his elbows on his thighs and clutching the remote to give his hands something to do.

"I'm so happy for you that you're going to be a mom," he rasps, and she has a feeling he's steering the conversation away from what has just happened deliberately.

"And?"

She can't believe she's pushing him but she must be feeling brave tonight. She can see him smiling wryly and shaking his head while he keeps looking at the TV.

"And nothing."

She doesn't believe him, and when he leans back and looks at her, she knows he knows it.

"It's too soon, right?" he says quietly.

Her chest feels constricted and she forces herself to respond almost on autopilot.

"We've been through so many changes lately …"

"Yeah. You're right. I know."

Olivia sits up straight suddenly when she feels a very different movement inside her belly. Elliot turns towards her at once.

"What? What is it, Liv?" he asks her, suddenly worried.

"I think he's turning around or something. He just kicked straight ahead. I think that should be visible on the outside, it was such a hard kick!"

Without any hesitation, Olivia leans back and pulls her maternity blouse up, exposing her belly. Just then, her son kicks out again and they actually see her belly move.

"Amazing," Elliot says softly.

They both stare at her belly intently and tater boy doesn't disappoint.

"Liv, can I?" Elliot asks, and she nods.

She doesn't expect him to do what he does next. He gets up from the couch and kneels in front of her, so his face is almost at the same height as her baby boy. He looks up at her, silently asking for permission once more, before he puts his hand on her skin.

"Hey there, little man," he says softly and Olivia bites her lip. Elliot is being a father figure to her son already and it moves her.

"It's a little early to start playing soccer but once you're here, I'll be happy to teach you buddy."

Olivia sniffles and Elliot looks up at her. He smiles softly and then focuses on the active little man underneath his hand again.

"You're gonna be loved, you know that? By all of us, but most of all by your amazing mother. She's gonna make sure you're alright. You know how I know that? Because she's the best cop in the whole city. She's not gonna let anyone hurt you. And neither am I. I'm her partner, you know. And I'm very proud of that."

The two partners smile at each other and watch Olivia's baby kick again.

"You're proud of your mommy too, aren't you?" Elliot asks softly, and before Olivia realizes what he is doing, Elliot leans forward and places a gentle kiss on her belly.

It's a very tender kiss, not a sensual one, and it actually affects her more that his gesture contains so much love. Could he really love her child already? Elliot doesn't look up at her and Olivia reaches for him, placing her hand against his cheek. He looks up then and it's as if they are having a wordless conversation. She can hardly believe what she's reading in his eyes. It's not just love for her unborn child. What was it he had told her once? If he were to pursue her, it would be the whole package. Yeah, it was something like that.

...

She shivers when she remembers those moments of genuine tenderness between them. It hadn't been lust or a physical attraction. Not at all. If she didn't know any better, she'd think he is actually thinking of pursuing her. He's already told her several times that he'll be here for her as well as her baby, and she believes him. But it what capacity?

She loves him. She's admitted that much to herself. She loves him as her best friend in the world. But could she love his as a mate? As not just a father figure for her son, but the father figure for her son? She knows he's an amazing father. He may have a temper at times but his anger is always fueled by love and a need to protect the people he loves, and those who can't protect themselves. They have both seen too much of the dark side of humanity to be any different. Elliot reacts with rage and steps in to right the wrong, while she will nurture the survivors of the abuse. They're a perfect match in that respect and she can't help but think they'd be good parents together as well. Her heart rate goes up again, just thinking about it.

Why is she so scared to give in to this thing that's growing between them? It's too soon, Elliot had said, but not because he thinks it's too soon. They've been through a whirlwind of changes and emotions in their lives, but he doesn't seem to have a lot of doubt about where to go. He says that her pregnancy hasn't caused the problems that ensued, but has just made clear what was already there. Maybe he means 'them' as well as his marriage ... He seems so sure, so why can't she be sure? Is she really that afraid that things will go wrong eventually, like all her relationships have gone wrong? That she will lose the best thing that's ever happened to her? Elliot is the only person, man or woman, she has ever truly opened up to. And while that may be the best basis for a relationship she has ever had, she is also terrified of ruining that same friendship and trust.

Olivia sighs and rolls on her side.

They are sharing an apartment for crying out loud. It's not like he's planning to go anywhere. They are committed to each other already. Why is it so hard for her to just let go and let it happen?

…

Monday morning comes around and suddenly, it's like it's always been. Elliot's cell phone rings and Cragen directs them straight to their next crime scene. Olivia can come along this one time, on the condition that Elliot takes her straight to the office after they have gotten all the information from the crime scene, no detours or follow-ups until she's at her desk, Cragen says sternly. Their breakfast consists of a glass of orange juice that they share before rushing out the door. Olivia grins as they hurry down the stairs and to the car. Just like old times. Amid all the changes, fortunately some things have actually stayed the same.

…

A/N: A short chapter, I know - but this will allow for another little time jump. More soon. Meanwhile, I love reading your thoughts on the story!