35. Want

Olivia wakes up in her own bed, alone, the next morning. She isn't sure how to feel about that. She rolls on her back, groaning a little because her round ligaments hurt, and then heaves a sigh. Part of her wishes Elliot was with her, while another part of her feels a little guilty that she is letting Elliot satisfy her while he doesn't get a lot out of it himself. She wants that for him too, and she can't help wondering if he isn't being overly careful with her because of the pregnancy. Her thoughts drift in a direction she'd rather not see them go, but she can't help it this time. She wonders if he was this way with Kathy too, whenever she was pregnant. She can't imagine a healthy, warm blooded man like him going without intimacy for months on end when he has a woman in his life that he is allowed to touch. Maybe Kathy didn't want to be touched during her pregnancies? Olivia can't imagine it. She's never been this hungry for sex before. If it wasn't for Elliot, she would definitely have used her little toy friend on herself by now. Her raging hormones remind her of her teenage years, when she was changing from a girl into a woman. She's still grateful that she got through those years relatively unscathed. A few bad dates aside, she had already been a good judge of character. She didn't drink at the time, because of her mother, and she hadn't gotten into any real trouble. No trouble she didn't want to be in anyway. Naturally, her mother's blunt warnings had helped too. She had always stayed fit and strong, just in case she'd need to get away from somebody fast. Still, she knows she's been lucky. If her job has taught her anything, it's that everyone can get hurt, no matter how well prepared they think they are.

After pushing herself up and out of bed, she makes her way to the bathroom. It's starting to get light already and she wonders if Elliot is awake. When she walks back to her room, she hears the sound of his ringing phone coming from his bedroom. She stops in front of their bedroom doors and hears his groggy voice answering the call.

"Stabler … yeah … alright … Yeah, got it. Gimme 20."

She hears him rummaging about in his room and blinks when he suddenly pulls his door open and sees her. She had been so caught up in listening to him, that she hadn't realized he would come out soon.

"Hey. Did I wake you?" Elliot inquires.

"Uh no … I had to go … you know," she stammers, gesturing in the direction of the living room vaguely. "Do you … do you have to go?"

"Yeah."

He steps around her and heads towards the kitchen.

"They need all hands on deck. Manhunt for three guys who attacked a girl at gunpoint in the garden of an entire block of apartments. It happened just an hour ago so we have to get there fast. They're calling in everyone, for canvassing the block as well."

"I can help," Olivia says, following Elliot into the kitchen.

"Out of the question," Elliot says sternly and Olivia frowns.

"What?!"

"You know you can't come, Liv," Elliot says, and the exasperation in his voice annoys her.

"I can still interview people," she huffs.

Elliot looks at her and she can see the fatigue in his eyes. Didn't he sleep well?

"You know Cragen won't allow it," he says curtly and Olivia sighs.

"I know. I just want to feel useful."

Elliot has made himself a quick peanut butter sandwich to go and takes a bite. Olivia pours them both some juice and watches Elliot chew. He has his focused on-the-job face on already.

"You're useful," he says, his mouth still half full. "You know that."

He continues chewing and then swallows, washing the bite away with his juice.

"You're growing a kid, Liv," he adds after finishing his juice. "It's not something you do on the side. It's where your focus needs to be for now."

He turns away from her to grab his coat, sandwich in hand, as if the conversation is over. Olivia doesn't want to argue with him this early in the morning but she wonders if Elliot is at all okay with moms working full time. They've never really talked about it. In fact, they've never really talked about anything like that, since it was never about them. She follows him to the door and tells him,

"Call me if there's anything I can do, alright?"

Elliot nods and turns to leave but Olivia quickly grabs his arm. He stops and looks at her and she smiles a little hesitantly at him. He seems to pick up on why she stopped him and his face softens.

"Be safe," Olivia says quietly and he smiles at her.

"I will."

He leans in and gives her a peck on the lips. Their eyes meet and stay locked for a moment. Olivia stands on her toes and kisses Elliot softly again and Elliot's smile widens.

"That's nice," he says, and he doesn't seem as far away anymore.

"Yeah. It is."

"I'll be fine. We'll get these creeps."

Olivia nods and lets go of him so he can leave. These creeps. Plural. She shudders involuntarily. Three armed men performing a public gang rape. What a world they live in.

…

After Elliot leaves, Olivia tries to eat something but she feels queasy. She wants to help this woman who was brutalized and after a while, she decides to call Cragen.

As Elliot had predicted, their boss doesn't want her to help. She's got the Sunday off and he doesn't want her to come in.

"What about the girl?" she asks. "I can go see her at the hospital."

"Last I heard, she's still in surgery," Cragen says. "We don't even know if she's gonna make it."

Olivia shakes her head. The only upside to this scenario is that she will be unconscious while a rape kit is being done.

"Someone should be with her when she wakes up."

"Liv. We've called her family as well as a rape crisis counselor. You are to stay home and rest so you'll be ready to come in tomorrow morning at eight. And not a minute sooner."

Cragen ends the call and Olivia finally accepts that she won't be able to do anything to help today. She fully intends to visit the victim in the morning though, provided the woman pulls through. She decides to start working on her baby's room at last to take her mind off of the case and off Elliot. But he stays in her thoughts anyway. He had seemed so tired and she wonders again if he didn't sleep well. She should make it crystal clear to him that she can handle him and that he doesn't have to treat her like a porcelain doll just because she's pregnant. She is still perfectly capable of satisfying him and she secretly hopes that once she convinces him, maybe she won't have to wake up alone every morning.

They'll still have their own rooms, especially when the kids come over next weekend but the way things are going, it shouldn't be long before they end up in one of their beds together.

She's still amazed sometimes how naturally their relationship is evolving from a strong platonic friendship into something that holds a promise for the future. Kissing him goodbye at the door had been a first but it hadn't felt awkward. It wasn't their first kiss, but still there had been something official about it. She felt like she was telling Elliot, we're doing this now. It's real. Maybe she was telling herself as much as him.

She vacuums the baby's room meticulously once more before making the final decisions about what should go where. She knows better than to try and move the twin's bunk bed on her own but fortunately it's already in the right place, to the far left of the room. She arranges the smaller furniture until the room is exactly like she wants it, with the changing table to the right, fully stocked with everything she will need, baby's crib across from the door and to top it all off, a second-hand rocking chair that used to belong to her mother. They had gotten it out of storage the week before and Olivia places it between the crib and the bunk bed. She makes a mental note to buy a soft pillow soon to put in the rocking chair.

The playpen and pram will stay in their boxes for now in her own bedroom. Elliot has placed the carseat in the living area with the grey bear in it, to remind them that there will be another little person in their household soon. She likes how he pays attention to little details like that, and thinking about his thoughtfulness puts her mind at ease a little about how he had brushed her off this morning. He'd been barely awake, she argues. She should help him sleep better and she knows just the way to do it.

…

Elliot comes home around 7 PM and Olivia orders his favorite Thai food while he takes a shower. They caught the sick creeps at long last and Olivia can tell from Elliot's knuckles that he's taken his rage over the case out on some inanimate object. She doesn't know a lot of details about the case yet. All she knows is that Elliot needs to calm down so she doesn't bug him for answers and all but pushes him towards the bathroom.

She tries not to think of him in the shower. It's not what he needs right now. He needs some time to compartmentalize what he's seen, like they all do at the SVU. They can't survive unless they bury the horrors and focus on getting the bastards responsible off the streets. Olivia puts on some quiet music and dims the light in the sitting area. When their food arrives, she puts all the containers on the coffee table, opens a bottle of beer for Elliot and a bottle of water for herself.

When Elliot emerges from the bathroom in sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt, he is visibly surprised with what she's done. Olivia walks up to him and grabs his hand.

"Come on. You have to eat."

She pulls him along with her and he lets her guide him to the couch. They sit down and Olivia inspects his hand before releasing it. She puts her hand over his raw knuckles and looks at him. Elliot gives her a half smile and an understanding passes between them that warms both of them. She isn't asking him to tell her what made him put a hole in some wall or door and he isn't going to tell her right now.

"Beer?" she asks him simply.

"Please."

She hands him the opened bottle and grabs her own bottle of water. They drink in silence and then eat quietly. After a while, Elliot starts telling her about his day. About how they had eventually managed to track the perps to a house in Brooklyn. How one of them had come out, unaware of any police presence and had made a run for it. How Elliot had tackled him to the ground personally. How they had surrounded the house to get the other two and how it had taken hours to bring all three of them in. And how he had gone over to the hospital with Fin afterwards to check on their victim.

"She's on life support Liv," he sighs. "They actually shot her while they were …"

He hangs his head and Olivia wraps an arm around his shoulders.

"She lost a lot of blood. If she makes it through the night, she has a fighting chance."

"Let's pray that she does," Olivia whispers.

Elliot lifts his head and looks into her eyes. Their faces are close and the intensity in his eyes makes Olivia's stomach clench.

"We've got witnesses. The canvas paid off," he tells her, never breaking eye contact.

"That's good. There's no telling what the girl saw or what she can even remember."

"Exactly. They're going down even if …"

She knows he's thinking, even if the girl doesn't make it. She reaches up and caresses Elliot's cheek. He leans towards her until his forehead connects with hers. She has no words to comfort him but she doesn't need any. She knows what he's feeling because she's felt the same things. They move as one when their heads tilt until their lips find each other. Elliot groans softly and his hands move around her waist while they kiss each other slowly. Olivia's eyes slip closed and she allows herself to let go of any doubts she may have had. This is right and she knows it. Whatever Elliot needs right now, she wants to give it to him because she loves him. His hands travel her curves while their kiss deepens and Olivia wishes she could lie down. Her belly is in the way and she wants to get closer to Elliot. He seems to be reading her mind when he nudges her gently until she moves back to lay down on the couch. Elliot breaks off the kiss and looks down at her. They are half lying, half sitting in a slightly uncomfortable angle. His stare is still intense and there is a heat in his eyes that makes her body tingle.

"El," she sighs.

He is leaning on one arm and his other hand travels down to her thigh, caressing it gently while his eyes follow his hand.

"Let me take care of you this time," she says bravely.

Elliot's eyes flick back up to hers and Olivia smiles as confidently as she can manage. She isn't shy in the bedroom but this is Elliot and it makes her a little nervous to think about touching him. Seeing all of him. But she wants to. She really wants him and she knows by now it's not just her hormones making her crazy.

Olivia pushes herself up again and Elliot moves back with her. His eyes are burning holes in hers. She knows he isn't going to refuse her. He wants it just as badly and she can't blame him.

"Liv …" he sighs, shaking his head lightly, but she knows his protest is just for show.

"You've been so good to me El. It's only fair."

Before Elliot can even take a breath to say something, she adds,

"And I really want to."

…