A/N I received a little more feedback explaining the review I referred to earlier, also by another reviewer. Thank you both (all caps reviewer and Sasha) for that. I understand the 'complaint' better now. I will respond here once, and after that I won't mention it again in this story. My PM's are open for further discussion, all it takes is to create an account and log in. If you're happy with this story, feel free to skip this entire note and go straight for the next chapter.

First of all, it is true that I was relatively 'unfazed' by the comment about updating every other year and doing it with 100 word chapters - because that is simply not about me. I honestly (honestly) thought at first that the review had accidentally been posted under the wrong story.

Secondly, this was always going to be a lengthy, slow-paced story and the entire plot is in my head. It hasn't changed. I know my writing pace can be too slow for some, but I love to go deep so here we are. I will be honest: I have struggled to get to the stage in the story where we are now. I wanted this hiccup to be at the exact moment Olivia had decided to go all in, and I took my time getting there. It's Olivia after all!
At the same time, I haven't dragged things out on purpose to get reviews. It has actually been a struggle to get any chapters done at all for a while. I was suffering from writer's block and I'm very sorry if that showed in my writing.
Serious suggestion: if it's too slow for you but you still want to know what happens, maybe you could check back in a while and read several chapters in one go. I've gotten reviews of people who have read everything in one go and the pace doesn't seem to bother them as much.

Lastly, I'm offering you all my writing for free and my original response does still stand. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. Naturally, I want people to read my work and I check my stats to make sure people are still reading. I'm doing the best I can in the limited time I have at my disposal because I enjoy writing. I'm happy when people like it, but when people think they have some kind of right to my writing or that they can demand things of me, I take a step back and raise a proverbial eyebrow. That's not how it works with fanfiction. This is my hobby, not my job, and I have an offline life to attend to. I won't apologize for my updating frequency. My stories are free but not available on demand. I always welcome constructive criticism and I like to think I take it well. When someone explains what is bothering them, I take it seriously. But when the feedback is unwarranted or just plain angry, I choose to shake it off.

Well, enough about this. Like I said, my PM's are open. I can't respond privately to guest reviews and won't write another lengthy A/N about guest reviews again in this story. I'm sorry to bother my happy readers with it at all.

Now, on with the story because that's what we're here for! There is a lot of ground to cover, so here we go.

37. At arm's length

"This was a mistake."

"No Liv."

"Please, Elliot. Just go. I want to be alone. I need to think."

The silence in the room is deafening for a few moments. Then Olivia hears Elliot take a breath to say something and she turns away from him to stand up.

"I understand," she tells Elliot. "You don't want me including someone else's baby. It's fine."

She almost chokes on the last word and wishes Elliot will just leave her alone with the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions that threaten to overtake her.

"That came out wrong Liv, I didn't mean …"

"Please," she begs again, near tears now. She won't cry in front of Elliot so he needs to go now.

"I don't want to leave you like this," Elliot says, getting up from the bed and walking up to her to stand behind her. "You're going to get all kinds of things in your head and they're all going to be wrong."

She knows he's right about her tendency to overthink things. But she can't think at all with him here, still smelling so good and standing so close to her. She has a child to consider and her baby needs her to protect him from getting hurt.

"I know what you were going to say, El," Olivia says with a trembling voice. "And you know I'm right."

"It's not what I wanted to say."

"But you were thinking it."

"Not for the reason you think."

There! He admits it! Olivia wraps her arms around herself, trying to conceal that she's shaking. Was it all too good to be true?

"Just go Elliot," she whispers, no longer trusting her voice.

"We'll talk about this in the morning," Elliot says.

His voice is strained and she knows he is frustrated with her right now. To his credit, he doesn't try to push her. She doesn't respond to his remark and she keeps her back turned to him until he finally leaves her room. Just before he closes the door, she hears him say softly,

"I'm sorry."

Olivia holds her breath until she hears Elliot's bedroom door close, and then she finally allows herself to cry. She sits down on the bed, lays down and curls up in a ball, cradling her belly with both arms. How could she have been so stupid! She's carrying another man's child. Regardless of the feelings that have been developing between her and Elliot for years, this child is not his and never will be. Does it gross him out that she's been with Miguel and that the result of casual sex is now growing inside her? He's been nothing but supportive so far, knowing how badly she has always wanted to be a mother, and he's promised her that he'll take care of her and her baby, but will he ever truly love the child?

All kinds of doom scenarios roll around in her head and when she thinks of Elliot's children, all with fair skin and blonde hair, her stomach churns just thinking about how her son will always be a outcast. She cries a little harder. He will always be different. He'll never be one of them. Her heart hurts for him already and she won't subject him to that kind of rejection. Elliot will still be her roommate but he can't be a father figure to her son. Not when this is how he really feels about him. Not when he sees him just as another man's child. He can't love her and not her child. As his mother, she is going to teach her son how unique and special he is. He won't be an outcast. He will be her one and only.

Olivia feels a profound pain in her chest about what has happened between her and Elliot. Just when she was ready to admit that she's deeply in love with him and wants a future with him, she feels like it's all being ripped to pieces. Elliot is the only man she ever trusted. Really trusted. She still loves him and she knows he loves her, but she has to put her son first. He is her responsibility above everything else. She cries softly until she has no tears left and finally falls asleep.

…

Olivia gets up early the next morning, eats a quick breakfast and is out the door before Elliot comes out of his room. She can't face him right now. She just wants to go to work. Her eyes are still puffy from her midnight crying and she can only hope none of her coworkers will say something. They'll notice, of course. But if they can just not say anything, that will be great.

She's the first one to arrive in the squad room and she makes herself some tea before switching her computer on. There are a few files on her desk and she opens the first one. It's a case that is going to trial soon and the note inside is from Casey, who is asking her to fill out a questionnaire about a few details she will need in court. She sighs and takes out the rest of the papers in the folder to reacquaint herself with the details.

Cragen comes in about fifteen minutes later. He looks at her for a moment but then retreats into his office. It seems that Fin and Munch are already out in the field and it isn't until her second cup of tea that her partner finally arrives.

Olivia looks up from her file briefly and mumbles good morning.

"Hi," Elliot says.

When he doesn't say anything else, she looks up at him again. He is checking the files on his desk. She knows she should be relieved that he isn't trying to talk to her but in fact, she feels slightly disappointed. Before she can think of something to say, Elliot gets up to make himself some coffee and by the time he comes back to his desk, Cragen sends him off with an assignment. Olivia sighs again. This is going to be a long day.

…

In fact, it turns out to be three long days. Olivia keeps leaving for work early and somehow, Elliot comes home late a few nights in a row. Olivia knows it's her choice not to wait up for him. She leaves food for him a few times and he eats it, but they barely talk because she is usually in her room by the time he comes home. He has tried to talk to her twice at work, but she has been able to brush him off, telling him she doesn't want to talk on the job. On Thursday morning, when she comes out of her room early again, Elliot is waiting for her in the living room. Olivia knows he has gotten up early specifically to talk to her but she isn't sure if she has managed to pull all her walls back up yet. She misses him desperately but she can't bring herself to open up again, because she needs to protect her baby at all costs.

"Hey. Sleep well?" Elliot asks her neutrally.

She nods, passing him to go to the kitchen. Actually she isn't sleeping well at all, but she won't admit that to him. She stops abruptly when Elliot stands up and grabs her hand.

"Liv. We will have to talk at some point."

The feeling of his fingers on her skin make her heart beat faster and she bites her lip. She can't look at him or she may crumble.

"It's alright El," she tells him. "I understand."

"I don't think you do," Elliot counters immediately and she finally looks at him.

It shocks her how tired he looks and she swallows hard.

"El, I'm sorry but my son will have to come first. Maybe … maybe we rushed things. Maybe …"

She is cut off by Elliot's cold laugh.

"Rushed things. That's rich."

She pulls her hand out of his grasp and walks away from him to the kitchen, knowing he will follow her anyway but she needs something to do. She checks the fridge and jumps a little when she hears Elliot's voice behind her.

"I want to go out for some extra groceries this afternoon before the kids get here tomorrow. Anything I need to pick up for you?"

She looks in the fridge again and tries to focus on its contents. His kids are coming over tomorrow. How are they going to do this? Well, at least now they won't have to worry whether or not they should hide their involvement.

"Uh, just the usual for the weekend," she settles on, unable to come up with a list of groceries off the top of her head. "Some extra fruits maybe. Or don't they eat fruits?"

Elliot scoffs.

"Of course they eat fruits. Kathy raised them, remember?"

The air between them seems to freeze and Olivia forces herself to close the fridge slowly after grabbing some juice. She pours herself a glass and leaves the container on the counter for Elliot.

"That all you're gonna eat?" Elliot questions and Olivia whips around to face him.

"Get off my case, Stabler," she spits at him before walking off with her glass in hand.

When she steals a glance over her shoulder, she can see Elliot mimicking an exaggerated sorry, with hand gestures and all, and she huffs before disappearing into her room.

This is not going well. Elliot has always been able to push her buttons but things had been so different over the past few months. They had been getting along better than ever. She wonders now if that is maybe because he expects less of her these days. Her focus needs to be on her child, after all. That's what he had said. She's a human incubator now, nothing more. Someone to look after, not someone to count on. Olivia shakes her head. She'll show him. She's still the same person. Probably stronger than before, because she has this huge new responsibility.

She has an appointment at the hospital later today but she hasn't reminded Elliot. She wants to go in alone this time. That is how it's going to be after all so she'd better get used to it.

When she comes back out of her room dressed for the day, Elliot is still there. There are two plain pancakes on a plate on the dinner table and she can hear Elliot brushing his teeth in the bathroom. She sits down and eyes the pancakes he's heated up. She is hungry and they're clearly for her. He's placed her favorite jam next to the plate, as well as the syrup.

Elliot doesn't react visibly when he sees her swallow her last bite when he emerges from the bathroom, but she knows he will count it as a win. She'll let him have this one.

"Your turn. I'll wait for you," he tells her, gesturing at the bathroom. She has no choice but to agree that they are driving to work together this morning.

…

Camilla Simmons doesn't comment when Olivia comes in alone for her checkup. Everything is going fine with the pregnancy and Olivia asks the Doctor how big her child is now, at 28 weeks.

"He's about the size of a large eggplant now," the Doctor replies and Olivia chuckles.

"I can't very well call him eggplant boy, can I?" Olivia clarifies. "We've been calling him tater boy until now but he's getting to be one huge potato."

Doctor Simmons smiles.

"Well, eggplant boy does have an odd ring to it. Your son is actually going to be a big boy and in two to three weeks time, he will be about the size of a small soccer ball. How's that?"

"Soccer boy? I like it," Olivia says with a wide smile. "It suits him. He's already kicking up a storm."

"Have you thought of names yet?" the Doctor inquires.

Olivia nods.

"I like Timothy but lately I've been thinking of Thomas too. But I don't want people to start calling him Timmy or Tommy."

"Well, if he's going to be a soccer boy, maybe you can look at names of famous soccer players," Doctor Simmons suggests.

Olivia appreciates the suggestion but she misses Elliot right now. It would be so much fun to go over names of soccer players with him. She is starting to regret keeping this appointment from him.

...

"I think I have everything. The girls will sleep in the bunk bed and if Dickie doesn't want to sleep on the air mattress on the floor, he can sleep with me in my room," Elliot says that evening, exiting the kids' room.

Olivia can tell that he's nervous about his children visiting for the first time. She can imagine that it's especially stressful because of Dickie's attitude. Like his mother, he still seems convinced that his father is the one who knocked Olivia up.

She hasn't avoided Elliot today but they haven't seen each other a lot either. Right now she's sitting sideways on the couch, putting her feet up after a long day.

"You know, if the twins want the bunk bed, Kathleen can stay with me," she offers.

She thinks it can't hurt to build a better rapport with Elliot's middle daughter. Elliot has been in touch with the girls but Olivia hasn't spoken with them since his birthday.

Elliot sits down on the armrest of the couch and looks at her.

"That's nice of you to offer, Liv."

She can feel her face get warmer under his friendly gaze. Somehow, she feels like she doesn't deserve his kindness. She keeps telling herself she's doing the right thing for her child, but that doesn't mean it feels right all the time keep Elliot at arm's length.

"Well, we're helping each other out, aren't we? That's what this was all about."

Elliot stares at her, unblinking, and she knows why. Yes, they're helping each other out, but that's not all they are about. Or were about.

"Can we talk about it now?" Elliot asks.

Olivia puts a hand on her belly automatically and she sees that Elliot registers it. They look at each other and she feels like there is nothing to talk about. She is putting the needs of her child over her own - and Elliot's - and Elliot knows it. She hadn't thought that she would have to choose but she's drawing a line.

"I've been thinking of names for soccer boy again."

"Soccer boy? Where did that come from?"

Olivia looks down at her belly, wondering if she should tell him about her appointment earlier in the afternoon. She had snuck out of work for an hour and Elliot hadn't noticed since he'd been out.

"Well, he's not exactly a potato anymore," she says casually. "I think he's more like a soccer ball these days, so …"

"Alright. I was gonna teach him to play soccer, remember?"

Olivia swallows hard and doesn't look at Elliot. She remembers. He'd been talking to her son, telling him that he would teach him how to play one day. It had been such a beautiful, perfect picture.

"I still want that, Liv."

She nods. She believes him. She really does. But that gnawing feeling won't go away, that feeling that her son will never really be Elliot's. He can never love him as much as she can. He can never love him as much as he loves his real children.

"You can still be an uncle," she says, hoping it will lift some of the tension that's hanging between them, but she sees instantly in his eyes that he's hurt. But why? Why would it hurt him to be an uncle to her son? She watches several emotions play out on Elliot's face but he doesn't say anything. It looks like he's struggling with the whole thing himself. Finally, he stands up and tells her without looking at her,

"I'm going to turn in and get some sleep."

His kids are coming tomorrow. Of course he'll want to get some rest beforehand.

"Okay," Olivia says simply but Elliot is already walking away.

She sighs. Are things going to be like this from now on?

...

PS. Olivia's thoughts about her son being different are confused thoughts of a confused and insecure woman and don't reflect the views of the author of this story. Her fears will be addressed later on. Remember, his kids aren't hers either and appearances are unimportant in matters of the heart. Just thought I'd mention that before you start responding … ;)
Next up, the Stabler kids.