I took a deep breath as we entered the secured facility. Steve walked beside me, hand against my lower back, keeping my feet moving forward. My hands shook lightly as we were led to a class S secured room. The lights were dim but my eyes were hyper focused on all of our surroundings. My breath hitched at every shift in the still air. Steve stayed right by my side though, steadying hand keeping me grounded.
I didn't want to be here, Steve suggested I came. Two days after my stitches were removed he suggested we make our first visit. Three days after a full recovery and here we were. Throughout the last week, we'd talked about it. Steve wanted me to become used to Bucky since he and Steve were friends there was a chance of us seeing each other when he got out. Shield was only keeping him there until they were sure he was stable then they'd keep him somewhere Hydra would have a harder time getting to him. I had reluctantly agreed, knowing Steve was right and I couldn't deny that. It didn't change the fact that I was scared. Jumping into his car and fighting him there had been pure adrenalin, now that I wasn't taking down Hydra that burst of courage was gone and I was without a doubt scared.
"I'm sorry, I must insist that you go in one at a time, he's still quite unstable." The female agent told us in her soft voice.
"No, we'll both be going in," Steve informed her.
"Uh... Right, if you need us we'll be right outside the door." She said backing down.
Steve nodded and led me into the room. Bucky sat heavily restrained on the opposite side of an unbreakable glass wall, watching us enter the room. I avoided direct eye contact but could still see the guilt and shame that flooded his features. Steve's hand was calming but his body blocking the only exit was not.
"Jayson, I'm sorry," Bucky said after a very long, very painful moment.
I flinched, trying and failing to hide it. I gave him a curt nod but didn't say anything.
"Steve," He sighed. " Why did you bring him here?"
"So he can quit being so afraid of you," Steve stated, scratching my back lightly with his blunt fingernails.
"I don't think it's working, the kid is two seconds away from pissing himself," Bucky argued.
"He agreed to come here, Buck. He's not going to get over everything during the first visit." Steve reasoned.
"Look, I really am sorry, Puppy. I hope you know that wasn't me. I'd have never hurt anyone like that." Bucky apologized again.
I repeated my earlier motion of a curt nod in his direction.
"How long are you keeping him here?" He asked turning his attention back to my boyfriend.
"For a few minutes. Next time we'll try to stay longer. But how are you doing?" Steve wondered.
"How do you think? I'm not good. I remember everything. All of the people I killed, hurt, sometimes worse... I feel like I'm losing it." The prisoner admitted.
"You'll get through it, Buck," Steve assured him quietly.
"Maybe. Jesus, would you get the kid out of here before he has a heart attack?" Bucky asked eying me.
"Alright, we'll see you soon," Steve said leading me out.
It took all I had not to sprint to the silver Lincoln that Steve drove. Once we finally reached it I took a deep breath of relief as we were able to drive away. The ride was quiet and it was a tense silence. Neither of us really wanted to talk about it. My thoughts fluttered through things like he must be disappointed that I couldn't handle being around my assailant. I'd told him before I didn't know if I could stay calm but that didn't make those thoughts hurt any less, nor did it stop me from wanting to do better next time.
"Jay, you don't have to go back if you really don't want to. I do however think it'll get better as you get used to him." Steve said quietly.
I looked up and realized that we were parked in the driveway. "You've said it'll get better before but why can't we cross that bridge when we come to it?"
Steve took a deep breath. The kind of deep breath you took when you didn't want to be in your current situation. The kind of deep breath that had the universal meaning of nothing good. And my heart gave a nervous flutter as he looked away.
"Steve... What aren't you telling me?" I asked voice unsure and quaking.
"Once Shield feels Bucky is stable they're sending him here," Steve answered.
"How long have you know?" It was a stupid question. It wasn't stupid because I was genuinely curious. It wasn't stupid for any other reason than I needed to hear him tell me what I already knew to be true and was hoping I was wrong. I just wanted so desperately to be wrong. I wasn't wrong.
"Since he was arrested." He admitted.
"What the actual hell, Steve? It's been seventeen days since we brought him in. Seventeen days that you didn't bother to tell me. Seventeen days that would have been nice to have to prepare myself for the man that tortured me to be living under the same roof." I said voice slightly raised.
"That's not fair, Jayson. I didn't want you to freak out. You'd already had one panic attack that was caused by nothing. I was afraid I couldn't make you understand." He shouted.
"No, you were afraid that I'd make you choose between us. After telling you I wouldn't... Well, let me make that decision for you." My voice was calm and quiet as I got out of the car.
"Jayson, don't you dare walk away from me right now." Steve snapped, following suit.
"Why not? Soon you'll have your best friend back and you won't need some sad dog hanging around." I scoffed. " To think I actually believed you. I knew better." I shook my head walking into the house.
The door slammed. " I didn't lie to you. I meant what I said. Why would you think..."
"If you've lied to me once, you've lied to me before, and you'll lie to me again. " I told him walking to our bedroom.
"I haven't lied to you. Would you quit walking away?" He snapped.
"You omitted the truth. Steve, it's the same thing. Obviously, you don't care about me enough to be completely honest with me." I told him.
"Jay, stop," He said as I started reaching for clothes. " Will you please just stop and listen to me? I lied but it was only until I could find a way to soften the blow. Next time I'll let you know first thing and we can take it in stride."
"What part of I'm choosing for you did you not understand? Steve, there will be no next time. Not for us. Trusting you was a mistake from the start." Damn it hurt. "Jarvis, can you call Nat and ask her to come get me?"
"Of course, sir," Jarvis replied.
"Don't do this. Jay, please. I love you, I'd never lie about that. Stop what you're doing and think about this. I love you." He pleaded voice cracking.
"I... I'm still going to visit Bucky, we'll still be on the same team so it would be a good idea for me to get used to him. I have no plans to stop fighting Hydra." I said walking past him.
I heard an odd sound leave him as I continued to walk out of our room, out of our house, and out of our relationship. The sound reminded me of a choked sob. It was the same sound that left me as I waited at the end of the driveway for Nat. My heart was breaking. I thought I could trust him. I believed him when he told me he loved me even though everything in me told me to run. I'd believed every word from his mouth. I should have learned my lesson. I looked up when I heard Nat pull up.
"Jayson, what's wrong? What did that idiot do?" She asked.
"Nat please, can I just stay with you and Maria for a while?" I pleaded.
"Of course, come on Baby. We'll get this figured out." She said soothingly.
I got in and tried to hold back any more sobs. I was sort of successful, I could stop the sounds but the tears that fell. With every mile put between Steve and me, the pain in my chest grew in intensity. It felt like my heart was physically shattering and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Nat reached over rubbing my shoulder but didn't say anything. It was a similar pain to what I felt when my parents were murdered but also different. Worse. It hurt so bad that I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight Steve for causing this, I wanted to fight Bucky for being the catalyst to everything, I wanted to curl in on myself and not move.
"We're here Honey, when Maria gets home I'll talk to her. What are you doing to do?" She spoke softly.
"I really just want to go to sleep," I told her.
"Alright, come on it, I'll show you to your room." She said getting out.
As promised she showed me to my room and the closest bathroom and then left me to my own devices. All I did was lay down on my stomach and cry myself to sleep.