I didn't see or hear from Steve for three days. Maria and Nat both made attempts to comfort me but I ignored them. I stayed in my room most of the time crying, if I wasn't in my room I was taking a shower, avoiding both of my new housemates. On the fourth day, however, Steve came to get me to go see Bucky. I pulled myself together and got dressed. When I got into his car we avoided looking at each other. The drive was silent neither of us knowing what to say to each other. When we finally arrived at the Shield facility we walked inside slowly. This time there was no comforting hand to keep me calm. There was no leaning on someone else to take the load off. I felt lost and numb and the man who could solve all of my problems was standing less than two feet away from me as we waited for the agent to let us in. Once inside I stood quietly to one side while Steve and Bucky talked. I took time to look Steve over. He hadn't been shaving and he looked tired. His hair was carelessly fixed. I adverted my eyes once more and allowed myself to become overly interested in the metal wall.
"No offense but both of you look like shit. Is everything okay?" Bucky suddenly asked.
"Everything's fine, don't worry about us just concentrate on getting out," Steve replied quickly.
"I don't believe that what's up?" He questioned.
"Don't worry about it, Buck," Steve said glancing my way.
I turned away from them and kept my eyes down. Damn did it hurt.
"Alright, if you say so." Bucky agreed.
Once we left Steve and me sat in silence for a long while. Everything about this sucked. My chest felt like it was on fire and Steve sitting so close to me didn't help.
"Can we talk?" He asked quietly.
"I don't figure I have much of a choice," I said.
He sighed," Of course you do. Jay, please can we just talk?"
"Don't call me that." I snapped.
"You're right, I'm sorry."He said sounding sincere.
It was my turn to sigh," What do you want to talk about?"
"What happened. It happened so quickly that I can't wrap my head around it. It hurts, Jayson. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't function." He said.
"What do you want me to say, Steve? I forgive you? Let's pretend it never happened? I don't think I can. It hurt that you lied to me about Bucky. Anything else Steve, anything but that's what you decided would be the best thing to 'protect' me from." I was speaking through my teeth unable to look at him.
"I was doing what I thought was best. I made a mistake. I swear I never meant to hurt you." His voice was choked and cracked.
"But you did." My own tears spilled over.
"I know and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. How much I wish I could take it back. God, Jayson, I love you so much and if I'd known not telling you right away was going to hurt you I wouldn't have waited." He said helplessly.
I didn't have anything to say to that and we fell back into silence. Until Steve broke it a few moments later.
"I understand if you never want to but if you ever find it in yourself to forgive me, can we maybe try again? Just start over? You don't have to move back in or even call me your boyfriend, just go on a few dates. Give me a chance to prove to you it was just a lapse in judgment." He pleaded.
I shook my head no and mumbled so he couldn't hear me, " It's not if I forgive you, it's when."
The drive back to Nat and Maria's house was tense. And the whole way there I wanted to apologize. I wanted to give us another shot. I wanted to forgive him and pretend it never happened. I wanted him so bad but I couldn't bring myself to say what I felt.
"How was it, Honey?" Maria asked as I walked in.
"Horrible. When does it stop hurting?" I asked plopping down beside her on the couch.
"Oh, Baby, it doesn't. It just gets better." She answered honestly.
"What should I do?" I leaned my head back taking a deep breath.
"Do you want him back?" She asked in turn.
"Yes," I said honestly.
"Then why don't you sit him down and talk to him?" She suggested.
"I don't think I can forgive him. At least not for a while." I said.
"Well until you know for sure what you're going to do why don't you find a distraction or a rebound?" She said.
"What's a rebound?" I asked.
"It's generally a stranger that you have sex with. It might help." She explained.
"I don't want a rebound. The thought of sleeping with a stranger really freaks me out." I admitted.
"Then don't have sex with a stranger. Not gonna lie, Nat and I've already discussed it but why don't you join in one of our scenes? It could help you decide what you want." She offered.
"Alright, yeah." I agreed.
"Tonight after dinner. We'll use the color system instead of a single determined safe word. You know the color system right?" She questioned.
"Red is stop, yellow is slow down and green is go?" I asked.
"That's right. Do you have any hard limits? Soft limits? Anything in particular that you like?" She asked.
"No limits, yet. I'll try anything once but I do like being restrained." I said blushing.
"Don't be embarrassed, honey. I need to know these things so I don't hurt you." She said.
"I know. What do I call you by the way?" I asked.
"Mistress or Ma'am." She answered easily.
Once Nat got home, she and I made dinner. We ate together and it felt normal. When Maria told us to go wait in their room while she did the dishes it felt normal. As Nat and I talked it felt normal. When Maria came in and informed us the scene was starting it felt normal.
"Strip." She demanded, taking a seat.
We both obeyed quickly saying a quick "Yes, Ma'am".
"Jayson, I want you to crawl over to me." She said.
With a quiet response, I dropped carefully to my hands and knees and crawled over to her. When I got to her, she held up a collar and leash and asked my consent in color.
"Green, Mistress." I kept my eyes down and voice low trying to be as submissive as possible, just because Steve wasn't horribly strict with my behavior didn't mean Maria wasn't. She latched the collar around my neck and the leash onto the collar. She then made sure it wasn't too tight before motioning Nat over. She crawled to the space beside me and knelt much like I was.
"I want both of you to turn and face each other." We turned toward each other. " Now, I want you two to kiss, the only rule is no hands." Our eyes locked as we leaned in. when our lips met there was no spark, nothing to signify anything special, just skin on skin but it still felt nice. Her tongue brushed mine before they met forcibly to dance with one another. Our tongues tangled in a loose embrace and it was actually hard to keep my hands off of her body. Our lips continued to move smoothly against each other as we kissed.
"Follow me," Maria said tugging at my collar. Nat and I crawled after her to the bed. She gave a firm pat and clicked her tongue. We got on the bed and awaited our next orders which were, " Nat lay on your back with your legs spread. Good girl. Jay, I want you to eat her pussy, can you do that for me?"
"Yes, ma'am," I answered and brought my mouth to her. I pushed the lips apart and flicked my tongue over the opening. It didn't taste bad, just stronger than I'd expected. Nat, in response, gave a sharp moan.
"Good boy, Nat you're not allowed to cum until I say," Maria said. I continued to move my tongue across her occasionally pushing in and giving little-sucking motions to her clit. She arched her back moaning while Maria gave us praises. This continued on for a bit until Nat let out a choked sound and fluid rushed into my mouth.
"Alright, if two can't follow orders you'll be punished," Maria said pulling my head back by my hair. " Both of you on your hands and knees, facing away from me." We both obeyed and Nat muttered an apology as we knelt. I nodded to her letting her know it was okay.
"You're getting three swats each. Jay, color." She said.
"Green," I replied.
"One," Maria said and I flinched as I heard the firm smack and Nat whine. "Two." The paddle came down on my ass and this continued until Maria reached six.
"Color." She said rubbing the stinging skin on both of us.
"Green," I responded breathlessly.
"Good, Jay I want you to fuck Nat." She said.
"Yes, Mistress," I said quietly a spike of nervousness hitting.
"Neither of you will come until I say so." she directed tugging lightly on my leash.
"Yes, ma'am." We said in unison.
Nat laid back and pulled me into a kiss. I kissed her back, hands roaming over her body. Her skin was soft, nothing like the hard body I was used to. Her moans were higher pitched, and a bit off-putting as I pushed a finger into her wet entrance. Her breasts felt strange pressed against my chest as she pulled my body on top of hers. And as I positioned myself and pushed into her a sense of wrongness filled me. I was turned on and just as into it as she was but she wasn't Steve. My body moved gently into her, hips thrusting as hard as I dared and it wasn't what I needed. I needed well-toned flesh and have muscle thrusting into me. A craving for deep, powerful thrusts going unsatisfied. Maria pushed two fingers into me and I released a groan. I moved my hands over Nat's body, stopping to lightly squeeze her breasts and roll my thumbs over her nipples before continuing down to rub my thumb over her clit.
"Nat, baby do you want to come?" Maria asked.
"Yes, Mistress." She squealed.
"What about you, Jay?" She questioned.
"Yes, Ma'am," I grunted.
"Then both of you may cum," Maria ordered and Nat and I were both thrown over the edge. I couldn't have held back if I tried. Her slick walls convulsing around me felt so good I couldn't think. "You both did so well." Maria praised pulling her fingers out of me.
Nat and I fell asleep curled around each other as Maria carefully cleaned us up and stroked our skin and cooed sweet nothings at us. I just wish I knew how fucking bad I'd feel in the morning.