Dear readers, we've been having beautiful weather here in Europe so my life has basically been moved outside into the garden and away from the computer for almost two weeks. This is why it's taken me so long to update. Also, this chapter was a challenge in itself so I hope it will make sense. It took me quite a while to decide on what to put in and what to leave out. Let me know if you feel I missed something.

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39. Talk to him

Olivia is seated comfortably on the plush white sofa in Alexandra Cabot's spacious penthouse. But for now, the luxury of her surroundings and the beautiful view of the city are lost on her. She rubs her eyes with the forefinger and thumb of her left hand and keeps them closed for a few seconds before looking at her friend and confidant again. Alex has just asked her another question. She's trying to understand and Olivia doesn't blame her, but her questions are very confronting. Olivia has explained to her why she had to leave the house. Because of Dickie's behavior. Alex understands but she is concerned about her hard belly. Olivia assures her that the feeling is completely gone now. It hasn't happened again.

Alex asks her about things at work and Olivia tells her it's not always easy to stay inside but her baby is worth it. Cragen and their co-workers know about their living arrangement and their reasons behind it, and are supportive of both her and Elliot. Now, Alex's questions move to Elliot, and Olivia has to confess that she and Elliot have indeed been getting closer since his divorce. She feels a little awkward talking about her sex life with Alex, or anyone else for that matter, but she does need to talk to someone.

"This is all under attorney-client privilege," she tells Alex with a small smile and Alex swears she won't talk about it with anyone.

"You have my word as a lawyer and a friend," the blonde declares.

"Alright. So … yes, there has been a … development between me and El."

"A development."

Alex is clearly amused at her choice of words but manages to suppress a smile for now. Olivia sighs.

"Yeah. Okay. We've been … kissing and stuff."

The veiled smile breaks into a smirk and Alex shakes her head.

"Kissing and stuff? Seriously Olivia?"

"Yeah, I know. That sounds pretty highschool, doesn't it?"

She smiles now too and some of the tension leaves her body. She's glad she decided to come here. She has to think about herself first for a change, and while she can't help but worry about how Elliot is coping, he's a grown man and he's been able to handle his kids just fine without her in the past.

"It does," Alex confirms. "So elaborate. Kissing and stuff. What kind of kissing and what stuff?"

Olivia chuckles despite herself. She's a sex crimes Detective. She should be able to talk about these things without embarrassment. But it's different when it's about her. About her and Elliot. She's always been protective of them as partners, and whatever has changed between them, that part hasn't. She clears her throat and decides to just throw it out there and see what Alex comes back with.

"Well, it was pretty intense for a while. My hormones are in overdrive right now and Elliot didn't mind helping me out a bit."

"Helping you out …"

"No sex, just … with his hands."

"You know that constitutes sex as well, but I'll let you have that one. And now it's more than that?"

Alex still doesn't have any idea how things are between her and Elliot now, so she will need to be explicit.

"No, it's not actually."

Alex raises an eyebrow and Olivia forges ahead.

"We were … getting to that point but then … Elliot said something that made me rethink the whole thing."

"What did he say?"

"He said he wouldn't make love to me while I was pregnant. It was clearly implied that he meant, pregnant with another man's child."

"Oh."

Alex needs a moment to digest this new information. Then she asks,

"How was that implied?"

"He stopped short of actually saying it. I could sense it so clearly and he didn't deny it when I confronted him."

"Did you talk about it? Talk things through?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"No."

"Then what did you do?"

"I just kicked him out of my bedroom."

"And?"

"And what? He left."

"And?"

Olivia blows out a breath.

"And what, Alex?"

"Surely you discussed things with him the next day."

Olivia sucks her bottom lip between her teeth and shakes her head.

"No. We didn't."

Alex just stares at her after that until Olivia has to look away.

"He tried a few times but …"

"You had already made up your mind," Alex finishes for her, and Olivia wonders when Alex got to know her so well.

"Well … I have to think of my son first, Alex. He'll never be Elliot's, no matter how badly we might want him to be. He'll always be different."

"And you only realized this the moment you were about to have sex with your partner at last? That doesn't make sense, Olivia."

"He said it, Alex!" Olivia huffs, and she sits up straight, feeling a strong need to defend herself. "I guess I never really thought about it like that until then. He was all about being there for me and my baby and I fell for that vision of a future with him. But then he turned me down because I'm pregnant with someone else's child. That's a huge red flag right there, isn't it?"

Alex pulls her shoulders up and then drops them with a sigh.

"I don't know Olivia. You should really talk to him about it. Find out what's really bothering him about having sex with you now. He doesn't strike me as someone who would let a child feel unaccepted or unloved. Not at all. You've seen him with dozens of kids over the years, none of which were his blood. He cares deeply about all children."

Olivia nods and sits back against the soft cushions of the white sofa again. Alex is right about that. Elliot would never let a child feel like they didn't belong. And most definitely not her child. Then why won't he have sex with her while she's pregnant? If he simply won't have sex with any pregnant woman, he could have just said so. She would have tried to understand. She might have tried to seduce him anyway, but it wouldn't have been such a gigantic hurdle for her emotionally. But he had clearly started to say that he wouldn't make love to her while she was pregnant with … and he hadn't denied that the rest of that sentence would have been 'someone else's child'.

"I can't believe you haven't given him an opportunity to explain himself," Alex muses, almost more to herself than to Olivia.

Olivia wonders now why she hasn't let Elliot finish one sentence about the whole thing since it happened. She had warped into overprotective mode instantly, ignoring her own feelings for Elliot and his obvious feelings for her. He'd been making overtures for weeks and had no objection whatsoever to touch her and give her physical pleasure. Her chest constricts a little thinking about those moments of intimacy, and other parts of her body respond as well. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before trying to formulate something resembling a logical response to Alex's remark. When she looks at her friend again, she can see Alex studying her.

"What?" she asks the blonde, having already forgotten what she was trying to respond to.

"I know your tendency to run away runs deep, Olivia. But if anyone is worth the effort, wouldn't you say it's Elliot?"

Olivia feels incredibly exposed at her friend's words. This must be what it means when people say the truth hurts. If anyone is worth any effort, it's most definitely Elliot. She knows she won't easily lose him as a friend but life will be so hard for them, now that he is no longer married to Kathy, knowing that there is more between them than just friendship. Just thinking about his touch can make her tremble these days. She still blames her hormones for that but only partly …

"Yeah. You're right about that, but …"

Something else pops into her head.

"But what?" Alex asks, almost as if to say, what else have you come up with now?

"If it isn't about the baby, could it be that he's disgusted with me? For … for having casual sex like that and getting pregnant from someone I don't love?"

He's never given her that impression at all and he clearly loves to touch her, but she's desperately trying to understand his thinking.

"Or maybe … just the thought of someone else's … you know. Inside me?"

She can't believe she has trouble saying it out loud, and she's supposed to be a sex crimes Detective. She's helped countless rape survivors put into words explicitly what had happened to them against their will and she can't even describe the act of having voluntary sex with Miguel. She's pathetic.

"Penis, you mean," Alex says dryly and despite herself, Olivia chuckles with her.

"Yeah, that."

"Well, I only have one answer to all of that and I've already given it. Talk. To. Him," Alex says, stressing her words with strong hand gestures. "Let him explain in his own words. If you don't like what he comes up with, there will be time enough to bolt like you want to."

"I don't want to bolt!" Olivia huffs.

"Then don't."

…

Olivia is lying in bed in Alex's guest room but she's wide awake. She and Alex had discussed the situation with Dickie some more, and she is going to try and accept the boy's suspicious attitude for now. He's only ten and clearly very heavily influenced by his mother. Maybe it's for the best that she and Elliot aren't as close as they were before at the moment, for Dickie's benefit. But the kid isn't what is keeping her awake. It's the other things she and Alex talked about.

Olivia recognizes her own tendency to run away when things get too complicated - when people get too close to her - but she hadn't expected to want to run away from Elliot. Not now, anyway. Alex is right. They need to talk so she can stop making up reasons for Elliot's words and instead hear from him what he did and didn't mean. What was it he had said again? She was going to come up with all kinds of things and they would all be wrong. Something like that. She'd heard the words when he'd said them, but apparently, she hadn't let them sink in until now. Elliot knows her well, that's for sure and it's quite an accomplishment on his part that he hasn't forced her to hash things out with him. What if he does think she's fragile now? What if that's the reason he's treating her with kid gloves? She heaves another sigh. This is pointless. They need to talk. But she's not going back home while his kids are there. Not this weekend.

She hears her phone buzz and sees her screen light up the room briefly. She knows who has sent her a text even before checking.

'Kids are all sleeping (I think). The girls gave Dickie hell for chasing you away. I wish you were here. Call me if you're still awake?'

He doesn't know she's read the message so she can pretend she's already asleep and simply not respond. She tries that option for exactly fourteen minutes but by then, she's sitting up in bed. Her back is hurting and Alex's spare bed is actually too soft for her. Her phone is next to her on the bed, staring at her in the dark room. She decides on a text first. Maybe Elliot has fallen asleep by now. She doesn't really think he has but a text seems a safe option for now.

'I'm awake. Don't want to wake Alex. Are you okay?'

It doesn't take him long to respond and they text back and forth a few times.

'I'm okay, don't worry about me. Maureen is coming over in the morning. Will you come home too?'

'Is Dickie going to behave?'

'He had better behave or I'm locking him out on the terrace. He knows I will.'

That makes Olivia chuckle and she sends him a smiling face. Then she texts him,

'I will think about coming home. Depends on how well I sleep. My back is killing me.'

'I could give you a backrub (wink)'

'I don't know. Who knows what that might lead to.'

'I have an idea about that.'

'So do I …'

Olivia takes a deep breath and then adds,

'When I get back, we should talk.'

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