Alright, just so you know, I've been quite frustrated with myself. I have rewritten this several times. I can only hope I got it right now, and that it was worth the wait.

...

40. Choices

Olivia still feels exhausted the next morning. She thinks she slept maybe three hours, four tops, and she wishes she was home so she could crawl back in her own bed. She's up early though and so is Alex, and they have a quiet breakfast together.

"Couldn't sleep?" Alex asks her, and Olivia thinks it's her subtle way of saying she doesn't look so good.

"No."

"Well, at least you're eating. You need to keep up your strength."

"I'm gaining weight daily, Alex. Don't tell me you haven't noticed."

"It looks great on you Benson."

Olivia rolls her eyes. She doesn't quite agree. Her face is getting a lot fuller than she likes it and her waist is expanding rapidly too. She had hoped she'd get a cute, round front belly like she'd seen on young girls like Amaya, but she is just growing in every direction. She feels bloated and she still has more than two months to go.

Breakfast consists of fresh fruit and cinnamon rolls for both of them, as well as milk and orange juice.

"I'd kill for a cup of coffee," Olivia sighs, but she thanks Alex for the lovely breakfast.

She eats more than she had expected and actually accepts an extra roll when Alex offers her the last one from the bag.

"They're from the bakery two blocks down. They make THE best rolls in the city," Alex chatters and Olivia is grateful for the distraction. After breakfast they take their time to get dressed for the day and then they have some tea. They are seated comfortably in front of the window looking out over Manhattan, and finally the heavier topic is back on the table.

"Did you hear from him at all?" Alex asks quietly.

"Yes. We texted last night."

"Are you going home today?"

"I'm not sure yet. I'm just so tired."

"You're free to stay here for as long as you want. You know that, right?"

Olivia smiles at her friend. She appreciates the offer and tries to enjoy these quiet moments.

Alex has some work she needs to do and retreats into her study while Olivia relaxes in the comfortable armchair in front of the window. There are currently four people in her apartment. Five once Maureen arrives, and she doesn't feel up to it. After finishing her tea she closes her eyes. She's so tired. She feels her little soccer boy move around a bit and she smiles without opening her eyes. She puts her hands on her belly and enjoys the moment with her son. Without realizing it, she gradually falls asleep.

…

She ends up sleeping until two, and they enjoy a nice late lunch at Alex's favorite place, which happens to be right across the street from her building.

After lunch, Olivia finally decides to check her phone for any messages. She bites her lip when she sees a missed call and several text messages, all from Elliot. He must be wondering if she's coming home today. She quickly opens the messages.

8 AM: 'Good morning. Did you sleep well?'

10.24 AM: 'Are you coming home today? We're going bowling this afternoon.'

1.33 PM: 'Maureen is here. She'd love to see you again. (Me too by the way)'

Olivia sends a reply that she hopes will be acceptable for him.

'Had a late lunch with Alex. Hope you're having fun bowling. Text me when you get back?'

She isn't going bowling with him and the kids. She can't play in her condition anyway and she doesn't feel like just sitting and watching them be a happy family. She'd feel like the fifth wheel and she enjoys the break at Alex's. When Alex tells her she has a little bit of work to finish, Olivia relaxes in the living room in front of the TV. She grabs her phone and sees she has another message from Elliot.

'We'll be home around six, bringing food. Will you be there?'

Olivia sighs. She understands that Elliot is eager to have her home and they really do need to talk. But will they be able to with all the kids there? And is Dickie listening to Elliot and behaving now? He's not just mad at her after all, but at his father too. Olivia felt the need to get away the night before so she could relax, but she isn't going to let a child chase her out of her own home. After about ten minutes, she comes to a decision and hits the reply button. Then she types,

'Bring my favorite food and I'll be there :)'

...

Olivia arrives home at 5.40 and puts her bag in her room before checking out the rest of the apartment. The kids' room is a mess but it looks like the children had fun and that's what counts. They haven't touched any of the baby's things and even the kitchen looks reasonably clean. She tries to relax on the couch while she waits for the family to arrive but she still jumps a little when she hears their footsteps at the front door. Then, five Stablers file into the apartment, Dickie first carrying the food, followed by his sisters and lastly his father.

"Olivia!" Kathleen shouts happily, running up to her at once. "I'm so glad you're back! We brought extra egg rolls and fruits for you!"

The blonde hugs her and then plops on the couch next to her to start telling her about their day. Lizzie joins them while Maureen just waves at her with a smile. She's staying close to her brother and helps him with unpacking the food and setting the table. Elliot seems to be supervising his son, and Olivia wonders what has transpired between him and Dickie the night before. When Elliot's eyes meet hers, she sees him relax visibly. He is relieved that she's there and she offers him a small smile. It will be a while before they can talk privately and they both know it. Olivia is just glad that she got some extra rest during the day before facing the whole family again.

...

Dinner is loud. There are six of them and it's the maximum their dinner table will hold. There is more than enough food and Elliot makes sure the extra things they brought for Olivia actually end up on her plate. She and Elliot are sitting on opposite sides of the table but he seems to be in control of his little herd quite well. The children talk quietly and when Olivia asks how they are all doing in school, even Dickie answers her. She can tell the boy still isn't completely happy with being there, but Elliot must have gotten through to him at some level. Dickie is tasked with clearing the table and when Olivia looks at Elliot with one eyebrow raised, he just shrugs. Apparently it's part of Dickie's punishment.

They all watch some TV together and around eight, Maureen announces that she's going back to campus to work on an assignment. At eight thirty, Elliot tells the twins to get ready for bed and at nine, Kathleen follows them. They can hear the kids talking and fooling around in their room for a while but Olivia is happy that it's finally becoming quieter again.

Elliot asks her if she wants anything to eat or drink but she shakes her head. Now that they are alone, she suddenly wonders if it was such a good idea to tell him they should talk. She isn't very good at talking and part of her is afraid of what Elliot will say to her.

"You wanna go into one of the bedrooms? For privacy I mean?" Elliot suggests, and Olivia nods, glancing at the door of the kids' room.

"Your place or mine?" Elliot asks and an uncertain smile flashes across his face.

They both stand up and Olivia tells him she'd prefer his room. Maybe it's so she can walk out if she feels the need … Elliot walks behind her, keeping a respectable distance, and closes the door behind them. Olivia sits down on Elliot's bed and looks up at him. Now what, she thinks. They don't really do this and she feels uneasy.

"So," Elliot says, sitting down as well, leaving two feet between them.

He rubs his hands on his jeans-clad thighs and looks at her sideways.

"So," Olivia repeats and they both can't help grinning.

"This is new," Elliot remarks.

"Yeah, it is," Olivia nods. "I need some help here."

"Me too," Elliot admits.

Olivia finally decides to go for a somewhat safe subject and asks him,

"How did you get Dickie back in line?"

Elliot's eyes light up and it's as if he suddenly knows exactly what to tell her. He turns to her and she can see he is suppressing the urge to touch her. He reaches for her but then drops his hand between them on the bed and starts talking.

"Liv, I made it very clear to Dickie that he is not going to spoil the weekend for his sisters, and he is not going to come between you and me. No matter what he thinks we've done, this is our home and he needs to behave. I understand that you needed some time for yourself. I mean, you gotta think of the baby. But Dickie needs to know that there is a line he can't cross. So to make that clear to him, he has to do all the chores here this weekend and he knows that there will be consequences if he disrespects you again or misbehaves in any way. I'll lock him out on the terrace and he knows it. He can sleep there for all I care but he needs to know his place."

Olivia's mouth falls open at Elliot's last remark.

"You'd make him sleep outside? In this cold?"

Elliot shrugs.

"Can't send him back to Kathy because that's what he wants, so I had to think of something."

"But … he's your son. He's your blood."

"So? I should give him a pass just because I'm his father? That's not really how parenting works in my opinion."

"No, but … he'll think you're choosing me over him."

"Yep."

She can't believe Elliot is so laid-back about this.

"But you can't!" she insists.

"Why not? He's the one with the attitude, not you or me. Besides, he's a kid and we're the adults here. He has to know his place."

Olivia is trying to understand what Elliot is saying. She gets that kids need some discipline when they misbehave but for him to choose her side against his own child is something that she hadn't expected somehow. She isn't even sure she wants him to.

"Liv, you gotta understand something."

Elliot's voice is gentle now, almost tender, and when she looks at him, she can see the understanding in his eyes. When he reaches for her again, she meets him halfway and lets him take her hand in his.

"What, El?" she asks him. She really wants to know because she feels a little confused.

"You know what Kathy and I used to tell the kids?"

She's not sure she wants to hear about him and Kathy but she assumes there is a point he is trying to make so she hears him out.

"Whenever the kids tried to play us and get one of us on their side, I'd tell them: I chose your mother. You kids were just thrown at us. I never picked any of you, and I'll never choose any of you over your mother. I'll always choose her. And we agreed that Kathy would say the same about me. We had to draw that line together so they wouldn't come between us. You can see with Dickie what happens when we don't see eye to eye anymore."

Olivia nods slowly while thinking about his words. They make sense so far.

"Liv. I choose you as well."

His words make her chest constrict and she tries to take a deep breath.

"What are you saying?" she says, her voice barely more than a whisper.

He can't choose her over his kids, can he? Elliot squeezes her hand gently.

"I choose you and Dickie will need to accept that."

"But … you can't choose me over your kids, El," Olivia objected. "How could you even think that?"

She knows she will choose her son over everyone else, and he hasn't even been born yet.

"It's not like that," Elliot says and she feels like in these matters he is her teacher and she is his student. She has this innate sense that she will be a good mother but still, parenting is basically uncharted territory for her.

"Then what is it like?" she asks.

"My kids will always be my kids. Nothing in the world is going to change that and I'd give my life for every single one of them, simply because they are my children."

Olivia nods. This part she understands and it's what she's always known about him.

"But I'd do that for you as well, because … because I choose you, Liv. I'm choosing to have you be a part of my life. If you'll still have me," he adds and Olivia swallows hard when he looks away and takes a deep breath.

"I've been wanting to explain this to you ever since I ... "

"You told me you wouldn't have sex with me," Olivia finishes for him.

She can't help still feeling a little bitter about it. Elliot nods slightly and then looks at her again.

"It's not that I don't want to. Don't get me wrong."

That had been pretty obvious to her until the moment he'd stopped her dead in her tracks. Olivia squeezes his hand back and looks down at their joined hands when she asks him,

"Then why won't you?"

She hadn't meant to sound so hurt but it feels like rejection and that stings, always. She had felt like Elliot was rejecting her child as well but she needs to know once and for all what his reasoning is for not wanting to have sex until after she gives birth.

Elliot stands up without letting go of her hand, and kneels in front of her. He takes her other hand as well and holds her hands in her lap. The way he's looking up at her makes her melt a little bit. She never could stay mad at him for long. She loves him too much and that's what has made this all so painful.

"Liv, I'll be the first to admit that I'm just a man and I have my weaknesses. I just feel that … how do I put this? That you should close this chapter of your life first, you know, Miguel's chapter, before starting a new chapter with me. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Maybe," Olivia says, thinking out loud. "But you had no trouble touching me during this 'chapter' of my life. I mean … you were all over me. What was I supposed to think?"

"Like I said, I'm just a man," Elliot says, and one corner of his mouth tugs up a little. "It's hard for me not to touch you. Especially knowing that we're so right for each other."

Olivia hangs her head and looks at their joined hands again, resting in her lap against her big belly. He's used that word several times before. This is right, he says and deep down, she knows that it is. In the end, she can't see herself with anyone else but him.

"I thought you were disgusted with the idea of someone else's child growing inside me," she admits without looking at Elliot.

"I'm not disgusted with you Liv. And I love that little boy already as if he were my own."

"But he's not," she says, closing her eyes for a moment. "He'll always be different."

This is what it's really about. Her child isn't Elliot's blood and he never will be. She can't let her son suffer because he's not really a part of the family.

"That's just it," Elliot says softly, and her eyes snap open again to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not just choosing you Liv. I'm choosing him as well. He will always be special because unlike my biological kids, who just came about after I chose their mother, I'm choosing this little man beforehand. Him and his mom together. You're right. He will always be different, because he will always be special. He's the only child I am choosing to be a father to when I don't really have to. If you'll let me, that is."

Olivia feels her throat constrict at his words. They are full of love and acceptance and the complete the opposite of what she had expected to hear as well as what she had told herself he was thinking.

"Liv … everyone needs to know their place. Dickie. My girls. They are my children. But your child will have his own place too. A very special place."

Olivia swallows hard and blinks a few times to keep her tears at bay.

"But why?" she asks softly, clinging to his hands now as if they are her life line. "What makes him so special to you?"

"Look at me Liv," Elliot asks her and when she lifts her eyes, she sees that his are wet too.

"He's special because he's yours. He's a part of you so it would be impossible for me not to love him. And in the end, however warped that may be, he is the one who made it possible for me to love you."

Olivia finally drops her defenses and wraps her arms around Elliot's shoulders so she can bury her face in the crook of his neck. His arms close around her and she hears him let out a ragged breath. Relief fills the room when they finally embrace each other again, and Olivia feels like crying. She tries not to but it must be those horrible hormones again that make her lose her composure anyway. Elliot just holds her without saying anything else, giving her time and space her to let his words sink in.

He loves her.

He loves her child.

Her son won't be an outcast.

He's special.

Elliot is choosing him.

He is choosing her.

It's going to be alright.

…

A/N: Sigh ...
There was a little bit of my own parenting thrown in. I hope it all makes sense to you!