I yawned deeply as Steve and I walked through the Shield facility. I hadn't slept since our date two days prior. I couldn't think of anything else but him and sleeping alone didn't seem to be an option. Every time I tried to shut down my brain and get some sleep images of him flooded my mind. The lack of food and sleep was finally catching up to me. Now that we were together I wanted to curl up next to him and go to sleep but I couldn't.
"Good Morning, Bucky." Steve greeted as we entered the room.
"Good morning." Bucky greeted back.
I sat against the wall and let them talk. I caught myself dozing off several times until Bucky's voice got my attention.
"Do you mind if I talk to Jayson for a moment?" He asked.
"Sure, not a problem," Steve said and left the room.
"You don't look much better," Bucky informed me.
"I know. I talked to him, we agreed to try things, we went on a date but I still can't sleep." I told him.
"Why?" He asked.
"I'm so used to sleeping next to him I can't sleep without him." I laughed.
"Puppy, how much did you care about him?" He sounded strangely hurt.
"I'll give my life for him," I said quietly.
"Then you have two options. Either forgive him and get it fixed or quit seeing him and ride it out until you're over him." He said forcibly.
"I don't want to ride it out." I snapped.
"Then forgive him, you're just hurting yourself." He snapped back.
"I don't think I can't," I said pleadingly.
"Why not? you forgave me and I tortured you for two months. What's the problem?" He asked his voice taking on a strange edge.
"It's not the same Bucky. I don't know you, you didn't know me. We're strangers to each other, I have no trust in you, you haven't sworn yourself to me." I said.
"And if I did swear myself to you and Hydra brainwashed me again?" He asked not quite finishing his thought.
"It's different. He didn't lie to me because he wasn't allowed to tell me the truth. He just lied. God damn it, I'm trying. I want to forgive him, I do. I just don't know if I can." I said.
"Puppy, Steve has changed a lot since we were kids but one thing that hasn't changed is he would never intentionally hurt anyone he cares about." He said voice lowered.
"what do I do?" I asked helplessly.
"When's your next date?" He asked.
"I think it's in a couple of weeks, we're taking a trip to the beach of a week," I told him.
"Alright, you can go. Can you let me talk to Steve before you two leave?" He said.
I nodded and walked out to see Steve waiting on a couch.
"Bucky wants to talk to you," I said before yawning again.
"Alright, I'll try to make it quick." He said standing. I nodded and plopped down on the couch giving a slight shiver as the cold leather touched my skin. Steve took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders before disappearing into Bucky's cell. I pushed my arms through the sleeves pulling the material closer and took a deep breath. His scent was all over the jacket and that was enough to lull me to sleep.
"Jay, wake up, we're here." I heard Steve say.
"Where?" I groaned pulling the jacket closer.
"Nat and Maria's house, they won't be home tonight but they left the door unlocked for you," Steve said.
"Then come in and just lie with me," I told him speech still slurred.
"Fine, but only to protect their pillows." He chuckled.
"You better keep me entertained then," I smirked looking at him.
"We'll see, come on." He said getting out. I got out as well and led Steve inside. I moved through the house to my temporary bedroom. Steve followed me and sat down on the bed.
"Do you want anything?" I offered.
"No." He said smiling.
"Good, I just want some sleep," I said pushing him so he was laying down. I crawled over to him laying myself against his body and between his arms.
"In two days you can get all of the sleep you want. We're going to stay on one of Tony's private islands." He said. I hummed dozing off. I slept soundly for a few hours. When I woke up I nuzzled my face into Steve collarbone and inhaled. He smelled so nice.
"Are you awake now?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm awake now. How long was I out?" I asked.
"A few hours." He said. I looked up at him and our eyes met in an intense gaze. I felt my body heat up as I realized how close we were and it was only made worse by the fact that we were in bed together. He leaned forward and my heart seized painfully in my chest. Our lips brushed against each other and my heart jump-started and panic flooded through my body. I blinked and heard a thud. I leaned over the edge of the bed to see Steve sprawled out on the floor.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"Get out." I snapped.
"Am I still going to see you in a few days?" He asked.
"Get out," I repeated jumping off the bed. I followed him to the front door but he paused.
"Jayson, tell me you're still coming with me." He pleaded.
"Pack tampons and I'll go," I said pushing him out the door and shutting it before he could argue.
I sighed. I knew what tampons were and knew that never in my life would I need them but Steve probably wouldn't do it anyway. He was too old-fashioned sometimes. This was going to be the test for our relationship. I didn't have high expectations for him but my heart still stuttered at the thought of him failing to follow my ridiculous request and being cut out of my life for good. It was a stupid request but he had offered the mood to prove himself to me and buying tampons was the most random and non-lethal thing I could think of. I slid down the door bracing myself against the emotional turmoil I was sure to feel after this trip. I almost ran outside to see if by some off chance he was still there. I don't know what I would have done if I had or if he was. I'd wanted more than anything to ask him to come back and forget about my random mood swing and the odd request. I wanted to tell him to take me home and spend the night naked in his bed and the next day naked in his arms, ignoring the world outside of ours and just sleep. I just needed some fucking sleep. Not the emotionally drained fitful sleep that seemed to want to be my mind's new lover, but the restful dreamless sleep I'd had just earlier that night while in his arms. I'd have liked to blame my emotions on the sudden rested system shock but that wasn't right. Somewhere inside of my brain, I was still angry, hurting from the perceived wrong.
I sighed burying my face in my arms and waited until I was calm enough to think things through but every time I tried before I just couldn't. My emotional state caused me to be unable to rationalize. I soon gave up and went to my room to begin packing. I really didn't want to go on the trip but I'd promised Steve to try. I owed him one last kindness if by the end of the week I'd decided I couldn't do it.
"Jayson, we grabbed donuts!" Nat called from the living room.
I looked out the window and noticed that bright sunlight was lighting the small bedroom instead of the table lamp on the nightstand. "Okay, be there in a minute," I called back. I finished packing and went to the kitchen where I was greeted by the girls.