Apologies for any medical inaccuracies in this chapter, I am no expert on this! I've tried to use information that I could find online but decided to leave out the exact medication details so I wouldn't say something stupid :)

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43. For better or worse

"Liv? You home?"

Olivia hears Elliot call out to her and all but rolls out of bed. She had completely lost her appetite after the phone call from Miguel and had decided to lay down for a while to allow her thoughts to settle. She had been concerned about Elliot's visit to Kathy but thoughts of Miguel coming to visit New York, and her, had been more prominent for a while.

"Coming," Olivia huffs as she makes her way to the door of her bedroom.

When she opens it, Elliot is already standing outside her room.

"Were you sleeping?" he asks, and the surprise is evident in his voice.

"More like tossing and turning," she admits.

"I thought you'd want to know what happened in Queens," Elliot says, looking her over attentively. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Olivia says quickly but Elliot can see straight through her token reply.

"No, you're not. What's wrong?"

Olivia shakes her head. She doesn't want to dump her own worries on Elliot straight away. He must be eager to tell her how things went with Kathy.

"You first," she tells him, walking past him into the living room. "Tell me what happened that you're home so late."

She sits down gingerly on the couch and once she's sitting with a pillow behind her back, she pats the space next to her. Elliot is still studying her but he sits down next to her as requested.

"Is soccer boy alright?" he tries again, clearly still wondering what is up with her.

"He's fine. We're both fine," Olivia insists. "Now tell me what happened with Kathy."

Elliot finally gives in and tells her how his visit with his ex-wife went. Maureen had convinced her to show them the medication she'd been using, as prescribed by their family doctor, but after some prodding, Kathy had admitted to using 'a little extra' to take the edge off of super stressful days.

"Did she tell you what she's using?" Olivia asks.

Elliot nods.

"Yeah. She says the normal antidepressants the Doctor prescribed are making her restless. She was having bouts of anxiety and even paranoia at times. I gotta say, I remember that from her postpartum depression after Kathleen," Elliot adds sadly. "To combat the anxiety, she thought it would be helpful to start using uppers to improve her mood and give her more energy."

"Oh no," Olivia sighed.

Kathy clearly hadn't done enough research on the interaction of the drugs with each other, going by the upbeat name of 'uppers' alone.

"What did she get?"

"Adderall. And because she still feels anxious, she's recently started treating herself to some meth on the weekends. A 'friend' of a friend is her supplier."

Olivia puts a hand over her mouth. Combining regular antidepressants with Adderall can't be good. And methamphetamine is highly addictive.

"She got the Adderall without a prescription but she figured since doctors prescribe it, it would be safe," Elliot scoffs.

Olivia knows he's more worried about Kathy than he's angry with her but it has to be frustrating for him. When he still lived at home, at least he could see for himself how things were going with Kathy. And knowing she takes meth on weekends must have him so worried about the children.

"Kathy knows she has a problem but she thinks she's handling it," Elliot says, and it's clear that he thinks she isn't handling it at all. "Maureen says she'll be spending more time at home on weekends, but I can't put it all on her," Elliot sighs, bowing his head and shaking it lightly.

Olivia rubs his back gently, unsure of what to say. She wonders if Elliot will want to move back to Queens to keep an eye on things and bites her lip. She still hasn't told him her own news and feels tears pricking her eyes unexpectedly. She needs Elliot with her and realizes once more that his family will always have a big part of him. Maybe a bigger part than she had bargained for.

"Are you going back?" she asks him softly, sounding more afraid than she wants to.

Elliot sits up and turns to face her. He is suddenly focused on her and she feels goosebumps erupt on her arms and chest. She hadn't realized how much she needs him with her these days until now.

"Are you asking me if I'm leaving you?" he asks incredulously.

"I … I meant for awhile," she says quickly. "To keep an eye on Kathy."

"I can't go back there Liv. I'm pretty sure I'm a huge cause of Kathy's depression in the first place. Or at least that's what she thinks."

"But you just said … you can't put it all on Maureen."

She hates how insecure she sounds but frankly, she's afraid of where things seem to be headed with Elliot's family. On top of that, she still hasn't told Elliot her own news about Miguel.

"First, Maureen is taking Kathy back to our family doctor for a good talk. She needs therapy, Liv. Not a babysitter."

Olivia nods, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. She still feels like crying. Elliot watches her for a moment and then drops the bomb she had been waiting for.

"But maybe the kids will needs to spend some more time with us while Kathy straightens herself out."

Olivia sits perfectly still while absorbing what Elliot has just told her. She is due to give birth in six weeks and finds herself needing the quiet of her own home, her baby's room and the prospect of spending some alone time with her son once he's born. She wants that pink cloud everyone is on about, even though she knows it's being romanticized and it will most likely be about getting too little sleep day and night for a while. Still, she was looking forward to cocooning with her baby for a while and get to know him quietly; not having a house full of people.

"Would that be okay with you?" Elliot asks, and she knows he can see through her stoic exterior too well.

"El … they're your kids," she says.

She has no right to deny them. It's Elliot's home too, after all.

Elliot reaches for her belly and puts his hand on it. He stares at his hand while he tells her,

"I know it's not what you had in mind when you got pregnant. I know you don't need an instant family of pre-teens running around the house. And I'll do whatever I can to make sure you keep your own space. I promise."

Those pesky tears find their way to the surface now and Olivia takes a shaky breath. Elliot really does know her and while she doesn't want to be a further burden to him, it definitely is a relief.

"C'mere," Elliot says and before she knows it, his arms are wrapped around her and her face is pressed against his broad chest.

Olivia sniffles and wraps her arms around him too, as well as she can with her belly in the way. Elliot holds her and when he whispers softly in her ear, "I need you too," she knows it's for his own comfort as well as hers. She trembles, knowing that she is only going to add to his concerns when she tells him about Miguel's call.

"Hey hey, it's going to be alright Liv," Elliot says softly, and he kisses her temple.

Olivia tries to nod but her head is trapped between his chest and his jaw, so she just hums.

"We'll figure it out honey," he whispers. "You and soccer boy mean the world to me too."

Olivia takes a few deep breaths, knowing she will have to tell him her own news soon. She's concerned about Kathy, but Miguel coming to see her has her worried about very different things.

"El … I have to tell you something too."

Elliot loosens his hold on her a little but he doesn't release her.

"I knew something was up with you," he says, almost annoyed. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"You needed to get your story out."

"Well, now it's your turn, Liv. You have to know you can tell me anything."

Olivia nods and moves away from Elliot a little so she can rub her belly. Soccer boy is waking up and seems to want to change positions. Olivia winces and Elliot is instantly concerned.

"Are you having Braxton hicks again? Are they becoming more frequent?"

"No … well, I don't think so. That's not it."

She looks up at Elliot again.

"Miguel called me earlier."

"Oh."

Elliot's eyebrows shoot up and he tilts his head a bit.

"What did he want?"

"He's coming to New York and he wants to see me."

Elliot blinks a few times while he lets her words sink in. She can see how his concern for his ex-wife is gradually replaced by concern for her. And them.

"Why?" he asks, his voice now raspy and a little insecure.

"He broke up with his girlfriend and his cousin suggested a trip to clear his head."

"Like the last time they broke up," Elliot blurts out and Olivia frowns.

She had been Miguel's distraction then, a way to clear his head, and she doesn't like what Elliot is implying.

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," Elliot says quickly.

"Right," Olivia says tersely. She sighs then, letting Elliot's comment slide for now. "I'm just scared that he wants to be in soccer boy's life after all, now that this woman is out of his life."

Elliot rubs her arms gently.

"Did he say anything about it?" he asks her.

"That he wants to stay in touch."

His words are still echoing in her mind. You are carrying my baby. The least I can do is stay in touch, right?

"Okay," Elliot says hesitantly. "What does that mean?"

Olivia shrugs.

"He's not interested in getting back with me, El. He knows I'm with you now."

Elliot rubs her arms a little harder and it tells her he's getting restless.

"So why come over? Does he want to be a father to soccer boy after all?"

"I really don't know, Elliot. But I'm scared."

Elliot closes his eyes at her admission, and Olivia does the same. She sighs when she feels his forehead connecting with hers gently.

"I'm so sorry this is all happening at once, Liv," Elliot says softly.

Olivia feels tears well up again. She doesn't want to feel sorry for herself but it's a lot to take in, and ever since getting pregnant, her emotions have been out of whack. She knows she's safe with Elliot but she doesn't want to be a burden to him on top of everything else that's going on.

"It's okay," she starts bravely. "It's not your f…"

"Liv. Stop."

She opens her brown eyes and looks into his baby blues.

"What?" she asks him.

"It's not okay. None of this is okay and it's not fair to you."

"Or you."

"It's not fair to us," Elliot agrees.

"So what do we do about it?"

"I don't know. But I do know that nothing is going to come between you and me. Alright?"

Olivia forces a smile as one tear manages to find its way down her cheek. Elliot lifts his hand to wipe it away gently with his thumb.

"Alright?" he asks again.

Olivia purses her lips to keep them from trembling and nods.

"Alright."

"I need to know that we're good, Liv. We can do this together, as partners."

That makes her smile a little and she pats his thigh.

"Partners."

"I've got your back, Liv. And soccer boy's too."

"And I've got your back, El. You and your kids."

"You're going to have your time with your baby, Liv, I promise."

"But we're not going to push your kids away."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

Elliot finally smiles too, his first real smile since he got home, and Olivia caresses his cheek with her hand.

"Partners," she repeats.

"For better or worse," Elliot says, echoing his own words of several years ago.

Olivia smiles too and agrees,

"For better or worse."

Elliot pulls her close then and when his lips find hers, the tension of the day leaves them as they pour out everything they have into that one long, intimate kiss. They're partners on the job and they're partners off the clock. As long as they stick together, they're going to be alright.

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To be continued