49. Fathers
Olivia feels quite uncomfortable. She knows it's a completely innocent question of a ten-year old, but how can she explain to Elizabeth that the man who fathered her child is not even in her life? For Liz, having children together is a logical consequence of love. She looks at Elliot and starts telling the girls,
"No. He won't be living with us. He lives in Florida. He just happens to be here on vacation in New York."
"Oh," Elizabeth says, but she clearly has more questions.
"I never planned to have a baby with Miguel," Olivia adds.
"Liz! They just had sex!" Kathleen says rather loudly, sounding almost annoyed at her little sister's ignorance.
Before Elliot can intervene and possibly tell his middle daughter to mind her language, Olivia decides to just be honest about it. Elizabeth is ten and surely she knows things by now.
"That's right. We met on vacation, we had sex and then we both went home. But when I found out I was having a baby, I really wanted to keep him."
Three pairs of blue eyes automatically focus on the beautiful baby boy on her shoulder again and there is a general consensus that hardly needs to be put into words. Elizabeth does so anyway when she mumbles,
"Of course you did."
Elliot smiles at Olivia and she rubs little Chris's back. He is still sleeping and is completely oblivious of what is going on around him.
"Yeah. Who wouldn't want him," he adds, and the tender tone of his voice brings tears to Olivia's eyes.
She's been warned about that. Women can get very emotional after giving birth, irrationally so, and she decides that must be what this is.
"So you'll be his daddy," Elizabeth concludes, addressing her father. There is no accusation in her voice at all; just a simple deduction. "So can we call him our baby brother?"
Olivia swears those hormones are giving her a run for her money when a tear actually finds its way down her cheek. Elliot is the first to notice of course, and he reaches out a hand to gently catch the tear with his finger. When the girls see the emotion in Olivia's face, they quickly assure her that they hadn't meant to upset her in any way. Kathleen blames Elizabeth a little bit but once again, they are all distracted by a ringing phone. It's Elliot's this time and the girls hop off of his lap so he can stand up and walk away from Olivia's bed before taking the call.
"Hey Kathy."
"It's mom again," Kathleen sighs, rolling her eyes.
"She's called before?" Olivia asks, trying to gauge the nature of Elliot's phone call with his ex-wife.
Kathleen nods and sits down in the chair Elliot has just vacated, while Elizabeth stands at the foot of the bed, glancing at her father more than at Olivia at the moment.
"Yeah. She called my phone around nine, all upset that dad wasn't answering his. So I kind of had to tell her that he was with you in the delivery room."
"Oh."
"She wasn't super excited about it," the fifteen-year old adds dryly, and when Olivia bites her lip, she gives her a lopsided smile. "Said dad shouldn't have dragged us along and stuff like that. She didn't wanna hear that we wanted to be here."
"Wait till she hears Lizzie call Christopher her baby brother," Olivia muses, and Kathleen snorts.
"Oh right. That'll go over very well. But still … I mean … he's clearly not dad's, let's be honest."
Olivia's smile widens. She is completely and utterly in love with her tanned little man and loves everything about the way he looks. And as much as she would have loved for Elliot to be his father, she wouldn't change a thing about him.
"Wait till you see Miguel," Olivia tells Kathleen and the girl grins.
"I bet he's a dead ringer for little Chris."
"Well, I'm sure there something of me in him as well, but it's pretty hard to miss that he had something to do with it."
They both chuckle and Olivia can only hope that they're not making Elizabeth uncomfortable. She can't really determine how weird it is for the young girl that two people can have sex and even a child without being in love with each other. But Elizabeth is clearly trying to catch the gist of her parents' heated phone call and doesn't pay much attention to her conversation with Kathleen.
Elliot and Kathy seem to be going back and forth about something and the way Elliot abruptly hangs up on her indicates that Kathy has won this particular discussion.
"What is it daddy?" Elizabeth asks, suddenly sounding younger than her ten years.
"Mom is coming here to get you girls and take you home."
Elliot's eyes find Olivia's and she doesn't know how to respond. She doesn't want Kathy here. She wants to enjoy her son and go over the basic baby stuff again with the staff before they are sent home. She wants to focus on motherhood and not on all the drama that comes with Kathy these days. She's tense enough that Miguel is coming over and she doesn't need any more stress after the night and day she's had.
"I told her it would be no problem at all to drive them home later but she was pretty adamant. She says she has a right to see the child that …"
"That ruined her marriage," Olivia finishes for him.
"I'm sorry Liv."
Kathleen stands up, looking between the two of them and makes room for her father to sit with Olivia again. He reaches for her hand and she lets him take it, squeezing his hand gently. Baby Chris stirs a bit and Elliot tilts his head to look at the boy's face.
"He's amazing. He didn't ruin anything Liv. You know that, right? We've talked about this."
Olivia nods and kisses the back of her son's head. He's her little miracle and without realizing it and most certainly without planning it, her son is giving her everything she ever wanted. A child of her own as well as the man she loves.
"I'll tell her not to bother you or Christopher."
"Thank you."
Olivia stifles an unexpected yawn and Elliot stands up and turns to face his daughters.
"Alright. Mom's coming over to get you girls back to Queens and I think Olivia needs a nap. How about we leave her alone for a little bit while we wait for mom?"
"But I left my things at your place dad," Elizabeth says, sounding very unhappy.
"Me too," Kathleen adds. "We didn't think we weren't coming back there."
"I'll see to it that your things get to Queens as well. Promise."
"But why?"
While they talk, Elliot ushers the girls out of the room and Olivia takes a deep breath, breathing it out slowly once she is alone again. She closes her eyes and tries to block out everything else for just a few minutes. Part of her wishes Chris would wake up again for his next feeding. Feeding her son had made her turn inward completely, until there was nobody but her and him in her little world. She will need to get used to Chris being separate from her now, no longer safely tucked away inside of her. He's out in the big world now and she won't be able to protect him from everything anymore. But when she nurses him, they are once again connected and it's a miraculous feeling. She hadn't expected to feel this way about breastfeeding but how could she have known what it would be like?
Olivia feels herself getting sleepy and pushes the remote to lower the bed a little so she isn't sitting completely upright anymore. She doesn't want to let go of Chris but she doesn't want to drop him either, if she does fall asleep. They relax together and Olivia whispers sweet words to her sleeping son while she drifts off as well.
…
A gentle hand on her shoulder wakes her up. Before she is even aware who is waking her, she checks that she is still holding her child. It must be her maternal instincts kicking in. Once she realizes Chris is still comfortably sleeping on her chest, she looks up to see Elliot looking back at them.
"Hey," she says, her voice a little groggy from sleep.
"Hey. You have company," Elliot replies, and he steps aside so she can see the two men waiting by the door.
Miguel and Luís.
Olivia wants to sit up and looks at Elliot again.
"Could you …"
"Of course."
Elliot grabs the remote and adjusts her bed while Olivia runs a hand through her hair.
"Hi guys," she finally greets both men. "Come on in."
Both men enter the room and glance at the sleeping woman in the bed across from Olivia before standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her and her baby.
She feels clammy and wonders how horrible she must look after a night of no sleep and a daytime nap of God knows how long or short. She has no idea what time it is. As if reading her mind, Elliot tells her,
"It's one thirty. Kathy will be here shortly too. I'll leave you three to talk, is that okay?"
Olivia would much prefer Elliot staying while Miguel visits, but she has no desire to be confronted with an angry Kathy, so she nods.
"Oh El," she says, stopping him just before he walks off. "Could you check Chris's diaper for me? I think he's starting to wake up."
Elliot's face lights up and Olivia bites her lip. She knows how much it means to him that he gets to be the first person aside from her and the hospital staff to hold her son. It means a lot to her as well. She doesn't know if Miguel will want to hold the child he fathered with her, but as hard as it is for her to let Chris go, she wants Elliot to hold him first.
"Of course," Elliot replies, clearly attempting to sound casual, but they exchange a telling look when he leans over her to lift her baby off her chest.
Little Chris seems even smaller now that he is being carried by Elliot's big hands and he makes a soft sound, indicating he is indeed waking up.
"Hey there little man," Elliot coos softly, and just before walking off to the changing table with him, he mouths 'thank you' to Olivia. Olivia just smiles at him, her eyes hopefully conveying what she can't put into words in front of Miguel and Luís.
She finally focuses on the man she should thank for giving her this amazing gift. She smiles at him, seeing the apprehension in his face.
"Hi again," she says softly, running her hand through her hair once more.
"Hey Olive. Congratulations," Miguel says, nodding as if he agrees with himself that was the right thing to say. "I got you something."
He pulls a blue teddy bear from behind his back and holds it out to her a little clumsily.
"Thank you Miguel."
She takes the bear from his hand and strokes it's soft fur.
"I'm sure he'll love it."
"Tell him his dad got it for him once he's old enough to understand?"
She looks up at him and glances at Luís, who is apparently just there for silent moral support, and wonders if Miguel's choice of words means what she think it means. He won't be around?
"I will. Of course I will," she nods.
"He seems to know what he's doing," Miguel remarks, nodding in Elliot's direction.
Elliot is talking softly, soothingly to her son while changing his tiny diaper.
"He has four kids of his own so I'm sure this isn't new for him," Olivia agrees. "He's an amazing father."
"That's good Olive. I'm glad. So. How are you feeling?" Miguel asks, finally standing close enough to her to put a hand on her hand on top of the covers. "Did everything go okay?"
She nods again.
"Yeah. It was painful but that was to be expected. They say it went rather quickly. We got here around five forty-five this morning and Chris was born a little after ten. I had some contractions afterwards but those were nothing compared to the ones that pushed him out."
"Chris?"
Olivia takes a breath. The man doesn't even know the name of his own child.
"Yes. We named him Christopher Donovan Benson."
"That's a strong name Olive. I like it."
"He was named after two soccer players, because he's suck a kicker," she explains.
Just then, Elliot picks Chris up again and carries him back to her, holding him in his big arms and kissing his forehead before stopping at her bedside. He smiles at her and she knows he is a little tense because Miguel is here and Kathy is on her way. She's tense herself and she's so glad Elliot is here.
"Can you take him again? I need to uh …" Elliot says, nodding in the direction of the hallway.
"Yeah. Sure. Thank you El."
Olivia plucks at her clammy shirt to give her skin some air before Chris is in her arms again. She and her son are a rather hot couple, literally, these first hours after his birth. Chris's eyes are now open and she wonders if he'll be hungry again soon. She doesn't really feel comfortable feeding him in front of Miguel and cousin Luís but seeing his eyes completely open makes her focus on her baby boy completely once more. She places him in her lap so that he's lying in the dip between her legs. That way, they can all take a good look at him.
"Hey there Chris. Welcome in the big bright world," she tells her son softly.
He is blinking, getting used to the light around him and has the most adorable frown. One of his hands is balled into a little fist that he knocks against his own cheek. The feeling seems to surprise him and she can't help but chuckle. His movements are far from coordinated at this point. He has everything still ahead of him, a blank slate of a human being. She feels honored to be allowed to be his mother and to fill in some of the shapes and colors for him.
She looks up at Miguel and his cousin and invites them to come closer to admire Chris. Luís stands on her right side, while Miguel stands on her left. Both men seem hesitant and Luís is the first to speak up.
"He's so small."
"He's a few hours old," Olivia says with a smile. "What did you expect?"
Luís shrugs.
"Something bigger I guess. Like a kid that you can sit in your lap and he'll just sit. This one … he's gonna fall off."
Olivia smiles and looks at her wide-awake son again.
"You just gotta hold him right. But he will get bigger soon and he'll be able to sit."
"Before you know it he'll be running around the house, destroying stuff," Miguel adds.
Olivia looks up at him and sees him shake his head lightly. He is studying the child but is keeping his distance. She fixes her gaze on her son once more and swallows hard before she asks him bravely,
"Would you like to hold him?"
She doesn't look at him while waiting for his answer but when she hears a soft 'no', she looks up.
"No?"
Miguel shakes his head lightly.
"If we could just take a picture of Miguel being here," Luís pipes up. "So if the boy ever wants to find him, he'll know that his dad came to see him when he was born."
"Yeah. I don't want him to think I didn't care," Miguel confirms, but he still makes no move to touch his child.
"Well, I guess that's fine," Olivia says.
She picks Chris up and cradles him in her left arm. Miguel drags a chair over and sits on her left side, and sits up so their faces are at about the same height. He drapes his arm lightly around her shoulders. Luís takes a step back and points his camera at them to snap a few pictures. Olivia tries to smile but her heart rate is picking up a little. This feels like a family portrait ...
Behind Luís, the door to the room suddenly swings open, revealing a very flustered Kathy, with both Dickie and Elliot in tow. Luís turns around to look behind him and moves aside when he sees they have company. The small group stops just inside the room.
"Who's that!" Kathy hisses, her eyes flitting from Olivia to the child in her arms to the man sitting so close to her.
"That's Miguel. The baby's biological father," Elliot tells her.
Kathy's eyes widen and keep moving between the baby and the man. Olivia holds her son a little tighter, wanting to shield him from the less pleasant parts of life just a little longer, and Miguel seems to realize this woman who has just come in does not have good intentions. He pulls Olivia into him protectively and however awkward the moment is, she appreciates the gesture. Dickie takes a few steps into the room, his eyes glued to the small face of the newborn in Olivia's arms. He starts shaking his head, and Olivia can see pain in the young boys eyes, that is swiftly replaced with anger. Just like his father.
The ten-year old whips around to face his mother and doesn't hold back when he yells at her,
"You LIED to me!"
…
Dun dun …
To be continued.