Sans was out in hotlands making some side money from his sentry station there - he'd managed to convince Undyne to let him man two more stations, one in waterfall and one here but not through any interest in being real keen on finding humans. The fine art of turning in just enough on his reports so as not to get fired hadn't taken long to master and it helped that Undyne wasn't all that keen on paperwork. No, he'd taken on more of them to spread out what he could do where - Snowdin was for Papyrus and naps, Hotlands was for money and Waterfall was for the quiet. And this was around helping Alphys in the lab. Admittedly he was spending less and less time there, unable to face it much due to his history with it and how odd it was to be there without Gaster being about, but Alphys hadn't questioned it much. She knew about the sentry post, obviously, and seemed more pleased about the timeline project he set up. Fixing the machine had been a bust so far but building a probe to measure timeline activity had been going well. Without Gaster keeping a tight ship, everything was going a lot slower in general in the lab but Sans had neither the motivation nor the inclination to ever step into the role that was left vacant. The trouble with everything going slower at the lab is that meant 'going well' didn't mean 'going fast'. He also knew she was busy with her robot friend she was trying to make to impress fluffybuns with, so he didn't push her any.

And all of this was just barely making rent on the house. He had wondered why he hadn't struggled covering it so much before, but then he came to a conclusion after an argument with her over the price: Gaster had been paying half the rent without his knowledge, and since the landlady didn't remember him she was now riding Sans' pelvis to make up the money lost to her "husband's terrible accounting". Yep, that's what she was blaming - her husband had given him the wrong price, apparently, and now it was up to him to make up the difference. That had already technically been paid.

Hence the changing of hotdog seller from 'small pocket change' to 'third job'. At least Hotlands had more foot traffic than the other sentry stations.

It's as he's summing up the amount of hotdogs he was going to have to sell to make rent even as he's serving them, he sees who's next. Well, he knew the king had been asking about for him so it wasn't unexpected. It certainly wasn't wanted, however. He's greeted genially. "Hello young man, I would like to buy a hotdog for everyone that comes through today."
Sans narrows his eyesockets at him, not very happy to see him at all. "in advance?"
"Yes. How much to cover an average day's work?" He smiles at him, but Sans can also read the second motivation behind the act. On the one hand, making rent. On the other hand, how hard would Undyne kick his ass for taking advantage?

…if she could catch him.

"well, there's not just here. you'd be looking at covering Snowdin and waterfall too. admittedly, I don't sell so many out there, but you'd still be covering a day's work."
"That's completely understandable! I... assume that means you know why I am actually here then."
"i can take a wild guess."
"Especially as you seem to have been actively avoiding me."
"and yet here you are. and i'm all outta jokes too because the king ain't a subject."
Asgore looks two parts annoyed and one parts pained before he catches himself and chuckles out of politeness. "Ah, yes, that was… very good."
So he doesn't share his wife's sense of humour… this was going to be more of a royal pain than he thought. Eyyy. Or maybe he could annoy Asgore out of whatever chat he wanted to have with him. He grins, letting it curve his cheekbones and eye sockets. "it was my crowning achievement."
He sighs. "I need to speak with you, and have done for some time, about something. And if you could take it seriously…"
"10000g"
"That's… a lot more than I thought you would say."
"that's today's wages for all three jobs you are interrupting, covering the time i might've spent at the lab working there instead of here and the wage for there, and the serious tax. ...oh, and the fee to get me to even talk to you at all." He smiles, sickly sweet. That's going to make rent for a couple of months, and a few thousand to round it up to a nice round figure. And to try and put Asgore off.
"No more bad jokes though."
"i'll be punder a joke ban until i consider us done talking."

Asgore shudders. "I am your king and-"
"and you asked how much. i told you. the way i see it you can-" he holds up every digit except his thumb on his left hand and ticks them off on each finger. "pay the fee, get outta my line so i can continue doing my job-"
"Your illegal job"
"i'm getting to that. would it kill ya to be patient? i'll start again. pay the fee; get outta my line so I can continue doing my job; not pay the serious tax which makes it 8000 and you get me being a royal pain in your ass; or get me in by force which is where that thing about this being an unsanctioned business venture comes in and the fact that i'm currently extorting the monarchy. which... you're not the kind of king to do it i'm pretty sure, but it's an option. so... what's it gonna be, fluffybuns?"

"Sans…" Asgore feels his patience shrivelling with every word out if the skeleton's mouth. Then he decides to take the easiest and least possibly violent way out and pulls a sack of money from his inventory. "I only bought 3000 out with me, we can collect the rest from the castle."

It hits the sentry post's counter with a heavy thud. Sans looks around the king to the line.

"sorry guys, gotta go do my actual job for a change." The steadily forming line groans. "but if you want your hot animal fix, undyne should be by in about 20 minutes or so." He winks at them, and groans turn to varying degrees of chuckles and laughter. He grabs the bag and it disappears from view quickly. Sans steps around the sentry post, and starts heading the opposite direction. "i'll meet you there." As soon as he's far enough out of sight, he opens a shortcut and steps through into the throne room trying not to think about the last time he was in here. He changes his mind, and goes to wait in the twilight stained hall. Asgore is surprised that he's here first when he arrives - more quickly than Sans had thought. He obviously had headed straight back to wait for him. Ha.

"How did you-"
"i know a shortcut." He dismisses the unfinished question with a shrug. "what do you want?"
"I... hmm… well, I have been thinking about what you said when you brought the child to me. And then that turned into harder thinking about- "
"no. whatever it is you've been thinking, i'm not interested."
"But you're still a sentry?"
"not for you and not for any loyalty to helping you." He states bluntly. If he didn't want jokes enough to pay for them, he was going to have brutal honesty instead.
"I thought that might be the case." Asgore sighs, resignation heavy in it. "...So you know, I did not want to kill the child any more than you did."
"i know. for the same reason you don't go out with one or even the four souls we have and collect the rest. you'd rather sit in this hole and hope the lab comes up with something in the soul projects."
"...Yes. I know it is cowardly."
"they're not able to do much without a royal scientist. they're still waitin' for you to fill that position"
"Oh, I thought that you were the one who was in the position, you've always been there after all. I know someone was appointed."
"nope. too lazy for the responsibility. it's been empty since before i showed up." He shrugs, keeping his expression neutral. It's not a lie, and although there's the occasional slip, he's somewhat adjusted to the fact by now.
"I've just paid for three jobs worth of wages for a single day, I don't believe lazy is-"
"i said 'nope'." Asgore gets the message loud and clear. "so I suggest you start looking around."
"I will bear that in mind." Asgore pauses for a minute or two, trying to get any sort of a read on the skeleton. He's leaning against the pillar with his arms crossed, exuding an air of casual boredom. He could not be further from the way they had spoken before, and if anything it made Asgore more nervous.

"you know, you could still drop the serious tax and there would be a less silence while you check me out. gotta warn you though, that's a one way street, bud."

"Oh, I wasn't… uhh… I am sorry if you thought-" he picks up on the smirk in the pupils. "...I will pay the whole requested amount. Though, I suppose I should get to the point of this meeting."
"today would be good."
"My apologies. You spoke a lot of… harsh words, but none of them were untrue or undeserved. I do understand how you were feeling and probably still feel about the whole thing. And I found myself thinking over the entire situation harder than I have in a very long time."
"the point, asgore." Impatience slips into his tone. He has a lot of patience, but it is far from unending. Very far from it.
"Yes. Well. I have a proposal for you. I believe that the underground needs someone such as yourself. You have a strong moral compass, and a stronger sense of someone else's. Everyone seems to know of you but trying to pin you down or find someone who knows anything about you is nigh impossible."
"just what are you asking, asgore?"
"Consider it a promotion. You'd still be in your role as a sentry, but you would be the one to make your own decision on the outcome of any… meetings without fear of repercussions. You've proven yourself to be a much better judge of things than even myself. You'd also be asked to help out in any major incidents in the underground, but those happen so rarely that you wouldn't have to worry about that too much. Wages would be negotiable, and would be paid directly by myself. You'd report to Undyne as normal, but no longer answer to her."

Sans goes to immediately rebuke the thought at 'promotion', but something in him tells him to wait and listen to the whole thing. He has one major concern about something. "what would undyne be told?"
"Honestly, whatever you would prefer her know."
"and if that was nothing?"
"Then this agreement would remain between you and myself."
"seems like you're really jonesing for me to take this job." Asgore just looks at him, and the look tells Sans everything he needs to know. He sighs, and rubs at the back of his skull. "it sounds like a whole lot of work." And responsibility.
"Please. I know this is a lot to ask if you, but I wouldn't have come to you if I thought anyone else could do what it is I am asking."

He thinks it over, weighing up his options. The extra money would be good, and in all honesty it doesn't sound like he'll be doing that much more work. It adds some responsibilities, but add that to the slowly growing pile.

"i won't answer to you, either."
"What?"
"it sounds like you have been trying to find out things about me for a while now. one of the first things you would have learned is that i'll always find out what's going on. the underground is small, it's not hard. you said i won't answer to Undyne, but i won't answer to you either. if i'm needed, i'll turn up."
"...That sounds acceptable."
"i'm also not going to be jury and executioner. those are your jobs. i'll act however i think i need to at the time."
"Fine."
"and you pay enough that i don't have to worry about meeting rent every month. pretty sure the landlady's a con artist and charging me three times what I need to pay, and i like my house."
"That can also be arranged."
"and finally, this is strictly between you and me. nobody knows a thing because if it gets back to pap, i'm out. like, entirely out."
"This all sounds acceptable, considering what I am asking... What would you have me tell Undyne?"
"hmm…" he ponders this for a minute. He knows that Asgore's likely to have told her that he wanted to meet with him. "tell her that we met, and you have some concerns. don't tell her what, just that if she thinks i'm doing something stupid to let you know; you're now handling my situation. those exact words. i can handle the rest. she's loyal to you, she won't question it."
"That... sounds surprisingly reasonable."
"you paid 10000g for surprisingly reasonable. i gotta make rent just like everyone else."
"Not anymore." Asgore reminds him with a small smile.

A flutter of something similar to relief raises in Sans' soul. It's nice to have one less thing to worry about for a change.

"true. maybe we can actually afford to have a snowball fight or somethin' fun… maybe look into that maze thing pap was on about… that reminds me - why the hell are there snow taxes in snowdin? it's not like snow is a finite resource there."
"That is… actually a funny story." Asgore chuckles. "But perhaps one told at a better time. Now they are mostly just tradition, as many things in the underground are."
"they suck almost as hard as the dangerous bridge requirements. let me guess, also tradition."
"Yes."
"they. suck." He's shifted off the pillar, just about done with the conversation. "hire a royal scientist 'cuz the lab's gonna end up coming to a stop without one. send the rest of my payment to my hotlands sentry post; i'll get it." And with that, he leaves.

He makes a stop on his way home, knowing exactly the place where he's going to spend the first lot of cash.

"Like, omg Catty, I told you he'd be back!"
"Like, you totally did, Bratty!"
"You know you need-"
"-Like, money to buy our garbage, right?"
"OMG, it's not garbage!"
"...It's, like, really good garbage." they both giggle.
"yeah yeah, girls. chill. i got it this time. that's why i didn't bring him with me, i want it to be a surprise."
"We totally got it"
"Yeah, totally got it! Don't tell the tall loser."
"...Bratty!" They both start laughing again. Sans can feel a headache starting dealing with the tweens.
"just get me the damn car. one and a half, right?"
"This is a one of a kind piece of garbage! Like, totally worth it."
"Totally worth it!"
"how's about we make it one and i don't kick your ass for jacking up the price since last time pap was in to look now i actually have the cash." He smiles at them, and he sees them both pause. They have a quick whispering session between them, finish up laughing, then turn back to him.

"You, like, totally have a deal!
"It was totally, like, worth a try!"

He drops a bag of coins on the 'counter' which is a wooden board on two oil cans out in the dump and shakes his head as they pounce on it. Wherever they set up shop now they are a good chunk of the way to affording one, remind him not to go there. He lifts the racing car bedframe off the ground with blue magic and let's it drift behind him as he rounds the corner and disappears behind the trash mound. He opens a shortcut and sets to work setting up the new frame and gives it a quick clean before making it, tossing the old wooden one that Undyne had brought round from one of her first trips to the dump -sorry 'bay'- after papyrus moved in out of the same shortcut then closing it after it hits the mound of other trash. He then makes his way to his Snowdin sentry station and decides to grab a nap before Papyrus comes around.

He figures he's earned it.

Papyrus .exe has crashed

Rebooting…

The thought makes Sans chuckle as he's watching his brother take in the new addition to his bedroom. Sans had managed to keep him distracted enough that he hadn't been in his bedroom at all until it was time for bed. It was worth the hard work by the look of wonder and surprise on his face. Papyrus finally turns to look at him, and Sans makes his face read clueless.

"what?" He's lifted off his feet so Papyrus can look him in the eye sockets at arm's length. Slowly, Sans starts to snicker again in his brother's hands. "looks like I got car-ried away."
"...NOT EVEN YOUR JOKES CAN RUIN THIS MOMENT FOR ME!" Papyrus states happily, before pulling Sans' into him and hugging him tightly. "WOWIE! I MEAN I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT IT! WHEN THE GIRLS HAD SAID SOMEBODY HAD BOUGHT THE SUPER COOL BED I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE IT AGAIN BUT NOW I CAN SNOOZE WHEN I CRUISE! I MEAN CRUISE WHEN I- OH GOSH I'M TOO EXCITED NEVER MIND! I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO HAVING THE REAL CAR, THE FANCY EXPENSIVE ONE THAT I DESERVE! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER! THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN'T SAY THANK YOU ENOUGH!"

Sans is still snickering into Papyrus' chest as he's squeezed like a tube of toothpaste. hehehe, nailed it.

"BUT…" He shifts his grip and holds Sans out at arm's length again. "THE LANDLADY SAID YOU HAD BEEN A FEW G SHORT ON RENT THIS MONTH. THIS WASN'T WHY… WAS IT?"
"nah. and don't worry about the rent. i'm on it."
"HMMM…" Papyrus stares at him trying to determine if he's being lied to. Sans just grins happily at him.
"i got another job, if you need to know."
"BUT YOU'RE SO LAZY AT THE ONES YOU ALREADY HAVE!" Sans breaks down into full laughter. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU KEEP GETTING PEOPLE TO HIRE YOU! AND IT'S EVEN WEIRDER THAT THEY DON'T FIRE YOU EITHER!"
"turning in the barest minimum is a fine art, bro." He wipes a tear from his eye socket, laughter run it's course. "you should try it sometime."
"I WOULD RATHER DO ONE THING REALLY WELL."
"but you're still in training to do that one-thing semi-well." Sans teases with a grin.
"I WILL DROP YOU."
"and napping so much takes a lot of effort. you might even say it gets-"
"I'M DROPPING YOU."
"-quite tiring."

He hits the ground with a thud and a grin and he can still see his brother's even though he's trying to hide it.

Maybe he made the right choice in the end.

.

"...so you finished it? nice work, al."
"Uh, y-yes." The nerves in her voice register with him, and it puzzles him a little. "He's c-called Mettaton."
"WONDERFUL TO MEET YOU, DARLING! I TRUST I CAN COUNT ON YOU AS A FAN WHEN I GET MY BREAKOUT ROLE. YOU CAN EVEN HAVE AN EARLY AUTOGRAPH, BEAUTIFUL!"
"i'm good. you know more than half the underground doesn't actually have a tv, right?"
"BUT THEY WILL WHEN MY MAGNIFICENT SELF MAKES THEIR DEBUT. I'M HERE TO PIT SOME SPARKLE IN THIS DRAB UNDERGROUND!"
Sans looks at Alphys questioningly, something not ringing quite right about all this, and she gives a nervous laugh. "I'm h-hoping Asgore sees the potential in manufacturing the s-soul. H-his body can be ch-changed as needed to add more functions so whatever A-Asgore needs me to add, I can-"
"OF COURSE HE'LL SEE THE POTENTIAL, MY DEAR ALPHYS. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SHOW HIM MY HOT NEW BODY AND HE'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB ON THE SPOT."

The reassurance seems to make her more nervous, and Sans knows something definitely isn't right here. One of Mettaton's words clicks. 'New'.

"what body did you have before?"
"Wh-what?"
"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DIDN'T HAVE ONE BEFORE."
"Mettaton…" she covers her face with her hands. She knows Sans, she knows he's clicked onto something and she also knows that Mettaton is seconds away from putting his wheel in it. "M-maybe you should go… p-practice or something."
"I DON'T NEED PRACTISE, I'M NATURALLY MAGNIFICENT!"
She sees Sans watching. She fidgets her tail. "W-well, meeting the king is a big thing…"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THAT! YOU HELPED MY DREAMS COME TRUE AND NOW I'M HELPING YOURS COME TRUE TOO! WITH ME BY YOUR SIDE, NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!"

She groans and buries her face in her hands.

"i wouldn't let him speak at the meeting, al." Sans finally says, sounding a touch amused. woop, there it is.
"NONSENSE!"
"Mettaton… he... he knows s-something's up. J-just drop it. What g-gave it away?"
Now he laughs. "he likes to talk too much. king fluffybuns might not be the smartest monster in the underground but he's also not gonna fall for whatever this is if you let him do all the talking."
How does a rectangle look affronted? That's actually hilarious.
"I'm making a m-m-mistake, right?"
"OF COURSE NOT, DARLING!"
"i actually agree with him. the lab needs a royal scientist and i can't think of anyone better, but you gotta prove it to him. a sentient rectangle is impressive, but if you're gonna lie about how then you're gonna need to lie well."
"SEXY SENTIENT RECTANGLE, IF YOU PLEASE."
"i don't." Alphys chuckles behind her hands, and comes out from behind them. "you got this, alph."
"...It'll probably help that nobody is as freakishly p-perceptive as you." She teases hesitantly, and she feels better when he laughs.

"WELL… I'M GOING TO GO… DO SOMETHING ELSE."

Aww, he sounds jealous. Sans says nothing, but when the machine is huffing off, he takes a moment to read him. Curiosity got the better of him, so sue him. He gets the basics, but many of the numbers are missing, shrouded by a static noise. Huh. It's like trying to read… a… oh.

"M-Mettaton, wait!"
"I WON'T GO FAR, ALPHYS DARLING. I KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE BUT TRY NOT TO MISS ME TOO MUCH!" The door closes behind him.
Sans and Alphys sit in silence for a moment, then he starts chuckling. It evolves into laughter, and Alphys throws him a look. "...nah, it's nothing."
"Sans!"
"it's just… that's how I imagine pap would sound if he was an asshole."

Now they're both laughing.

"Okay, so, b-before I forget. Mettaton wasn't why I a-actually texted you. I was actually hoping he'd be g-gone by the time you got here… this is why I got you over here!" Alphys sounds excited this time. She goes to her workspace up the top, and brings down a small machine very carefully. She hands it out to him. "j-just needs to be programmed."
He grins, excitement lighting his pupils. He takes the machine carefully, and pops it in his inventory. "i'll let you know when it's running. thanks, al."
"Any time."

He arrives outside the house, and lets himself in the front door, calling out to see if his brother's home.
"You!" He's greeted by an energy spear that he very narrowly pulls himself out of the way of and looks at the hole through his pocket.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM ABOUT TO SAY THIS BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO TO GRILLBY'S FOR A WHILE." It sounds like there's a scuffle in the kitchen.
"Let go of me Papyrus! I'm gonna pound your dumbass brother into dust!"
"aw, undyne, it sounds like you missed me." He grins and closes the door for a moment as spears thud angrily into the back of it, and the walls.
"NOT IN THE HOUSE UNDYNE! AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING, SANS!"
"what's she so upset about?"
"DON'T PLAY DUMB, YOU DORKY LITTLE ASSHOLE!"
"HE'S NOT, HIS JOKES ARE JUST THAT BAD!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT PAPYRUS!"

He's glad he's not in the kitchen right now because now they are screaming at each other about him. He debates just sneaking through the lounge while they're distracted but decides that it's better to get this over and done with sooner rather than later.

"yo, when you two are done i'll be waiting outside. We need to scale back on the angry fish demolition." He grins as they both groan very loudly, and heads out to wait. He's not out there long, admittedly, before the front door is kicked off it's hinges and he's met by angry fish monster. "so what's got you so steamed?"
"Damn it, Sans, if you're not going to be serious then I'm gonna start throwing spears again!" He just shrugs, and she summons one that she points at him with. "What the hell are you playing at?"
"i don't know what you mean. unless you mean the fact i play a mean trombone." He winks, and rocks back on his heels and steps back as the spear she was holding thuds into the space he previously occupied. He wonders idly why everything always seems to happen at the same time as he moves himself out of the way. At least she didn't actually seem to be actively trying to kill him, telegraphing her throws so moving out of the way was hardly tiring.
"You know that's not what I MEANT!"
"WAIT, REALLY? YOU PLAY TROMBONE? HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO KEEP THAT A SECRET, BROTHER?"
"PAPYRUS, NO!"
"yep, I was gonna try the guitar or fiddle but was too highly strung for it."
"NYEEEEEEEEEEEEH!"
"Damn. That was… better than I expected, actually. Freaking DORK!" But she laughs, and puts the next spear she'd summoned away. Then she sighs, and the humour fades. "I really need to talk to you though, Sans."
"i figured by the deadly weapons thrown in my direction. welp, i'm going to grillby's. your treat." He grins and starts off towards the bar, leaving her to catch up.

Once they had drinks in front of them, Undyne finally asks what's on her mind.

"What's happened between you and Asgore?"
"i really don't know what you mean." He lies easily, and she narrows her eye at him.
"Well, he's not been... himself since the last human came through, and not long after that he's trying to arrange a meeting with you. Then, all of a sudden, he tells me that he's spoken to you and has some concerns, but he won't tell me what - just that he was handling it."
"and? did he seem upset?"
"... That's the weird thing. He seemed better than he had in a while."
"so what's the problem?"
"If he's concerned then I'm concerned and I wanna know what I've got to be concerned about."
"eh, you know. the usual." He shrugs.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"c'mon. we both know that I don't really care about the job beyond getting paid for it seeing as pap's not going to get the job. he wanted to talk to me about the fact he caught me sleeping under my station in waterfall when the entire underground was on human alert. i told him that the only reason i was even on sentry duty was because my brother wanted me to be, told him to check my hp and also that i'd already spoken to you to make sure there was no immediate danger."
"That's not how I remember that conversation going. And why the hell were you sleeping under your station in waterfall when you worked so hard to get the damn information out of me in the first place."
"seemed like the safest place." He gives her an easy grin. He's weaving in just enough truth that the lies get easily lost within it. "and I told him that we spoke because he was already concerned about the hp thing. and as I told him - naps are kinda essential. the buffer might not be much, but it's better than dusting from a stubbed toe."
That makes her snicker a little. "True, I didn't think about that. Do you want me to speak to Papyrus about-"
"nah. it's actually kinda nice to be nagged at for being lazy instead of everyone telling me i'm working too hard between there and the lab. plus, it means i don't have to spend money on an alarm clock."
She laughs again. "I can't believe I thought he was the weird one."
"nah, he's definitely the cool one." Sans gives a genuine grin. "so, yeah. if i disappear for a while, i'm probably napping somewhere safe and that's now officially sanctioned by asgore. or i'm in the lab, which we both agreed is higher priority."

She doesn't look happy at the last, but she doesn't argue. "I… don't get why he couldn't tell me himself, but okay."

"easy. because I asked him not to. though, if i'd known you were gonna start chucking things… nah, i'd have still told him that anyway." He chuckles, and she shakes her head at him. He slips off the stool. "grillbz said it's 5000g for the drinks."
"WHAT?!"
"...just kidding. they're already on my tab. later, buddy." And he slips out into the snow and starts heading back. Papyrus is very glad to see him in one piece, and eventually stops henning/nagging him about winding Undyne up for long enough that he can finally head into his room and set up his laptop.

He cracks his knuckles, and sets to work.