Dear all, I know it's been a while and there won't be a huge development in this chapter, but it does move the story a little further towards where I want it to go next. I kind of enjoy weaving my own 'first time mom' experiences into this story, so here is some more of that :)
I have a few chapters in store for you yet before we wrap up so stay tuned for more.

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51. Dickie

They're home.

It had taken another two hours before they'd finally received their release papers. The doctor had wanted to see Olivia on her feet first and using the restroom. Olivia knows now that the burning sensation she feels while she uses the toilet is perfectly normal but should become less over time, and that the bigger blood clots are normal as well. They may keep coming for several weeks and as long as it's not thin, bright red blood, there is nothing to be concerned about. It's good to know these things because the bleeding is much more extensive than she had expected. They've picked up several packs of almost diaper-sized sanitary napkins at the hospital and Dickie had had a mortified look on his face when he'd been tasked with carrying them to the car. But he'd done it nonetheless, feeling that he had a lot to make up for.

Olivia is now in her own bedroom, with Chris's crib situated next to her own bed. She knows he will need to move to his own room eventually, but for now she wants him close. It's practical with the nightly feedings. Her son is sleeping once again and she is looking forward to following his example. Elliot is having some alone time with his own son and has promised her they'll leave some dinner for her if she sleeps for a long time, and that he won't leave for Queens without telling her.

After admiring her son one last time and making sure he is warm enough, she sits down gingerly and scoots into bed. Giving birth hadn't been a party but she knows now that in the end, being able to hold a brand-new human being in her arms is worth all the pain of labor. She will just need to find a way to deal with this new pain that is gnawing at her: the fear that something may happen to her son one day. It is a parent's fate and it gives her new insights into all the parents she's had to deal with on the job. She knows she won't be able to protect Chris from everything, but she's determined to do all that she can to make sure he has a good and happy childhood, and will grow into a strong, balanced man one day, capable of making his own decisions and owning them. She will do her best to be a good mother and the most important thing will be to love her child unconditionally. The loving is the easy part as far as she's concerned.

Olivia rolls onto her back and smiles. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She stares up at the ceiling of the darkened room and thinks about the choices she's made. Keeping her baby. Telling Elliot and the others. Facing Elliot's kids. Facing Kathy and supporting Elliot by getting this apartment with him. Acknowledging her feelings for her partner at long last. Telling Miguel.

Telling Miguel had been the hardest part of all and now here she is, alone with her child with a birth certificate that states: mother: Olivia Margaret Benson; father: Miguel José Ortega.

She won't live a lie and she won't have little Chris's life start out with a lie. His father is not unknown like hers. When he grows up, he won't have to leave one half blank when he has to fill out forms. He will know where he came from and she won't keep any secrets from him. It still terrifies her sometimes but she knows it's the right thing to do.

Olivia hears Elliot and Dickie talk quietly in the living room and she smiles again. It's been a bumpy ride for both of them but in the end, they're still father and son. She wonders if Elliot will tell him about the change in his relationship with his partner now, or if he'll want to wait a little longer before breaking it to the kids. They have a lot to deal with, seeing their mother lose control every once in a while. Maybe it's better to wait a while longer. She has Chris to take care of now after all. Elliot will come second for a while, whether they like it or not.

The low hum of Elliot's voice is soothing even if she can't make out what he's saying, and it finally lulls her to sleep.

…

A hand on her shoulder wakes her up and she is disoriented for a few moments. Then she hears soft wails coming from the crib. Her son needs her!

Olivia tries to sit up quickly but Elliot stops her.

"Whoa whoa, easy Liv," he says softly. "He's okay."

"I can't believe I didn't hear him," she mumbles. "What kind of mother am I?"

Elliot chuckles.

"A tired one."

"Right."

"You just sit up - slowly - and I'll get him for you. Is that okay?"

Olivia nods and starts the challenge of sitting up. Her lower half feels like it's been used as a punching bag and she grits her teeth as she scoots back so she can lean against her pillows. She watches Elliot lift Chris from his bed carefully. He looks so tiny in Elliot's big hands and she can't stop looking at her son. It's getting easier to nurse him after the first few tries and she closes her eyes contently for a moment when she feels her son start to drink. Her breasts are beginning to feel tighter and letting him drink is a relief.

Elliot sits with her for a minute and then taps her leg.

"There's a plate of food for you in the microwave if you're hungry. I'm going to take Dickie home in a minute but he wants to say something to you first. Can he come in?"

Olivia nods. She doesn't want the ten-year old to feel guilty about his behavior and hopes she can reassure him that she doesn't hold anything against him. Elliot leaves and comes back into the bedroom with his son half a minute later. Dickie looks down at the floor first until she says his name.

"Dickie. Come and sit with me."

He glances up at her, lets his eyes fall to the baby in her arms and then he looks up at her again.

"Doesn't that hurt?" he asks, and Olivia smiles.

"Not at all."

Dickie approaches her and sits down a little awkwardly on the bed.

"You had something to say to Olivia, didn't you, Dickie?" Elliot encourages his son.

He's standing in the doorway of the room, giving his son space but standing guard from a distance nonetheless.

Dickie nods and looks down at his hands in his lap.

"Yeah. I uh …"

Olivia feels for the young boy but she knows she has to let him finish. Chris makes a soft sound as he drinks and she looks down at her little boy.

"He's really cute. For a baby at least."

Dickie's words make her smile and she touches Chris's dark hairs gently.

"And I can tell he's not my brother."

She bites her lip, still looking at her beautiful tanned child.

"I guess having a little brother would've been cool."

That makes her look up at Dickie again. The boy is smiling hesitantly now.

"I'm really sorry for the stuff I said, Olivia."

"Thank you, Dickie."

Dickie nods, pressing his lips together.

"I told dad too. I'm sorry that I didn't believe him. Or you."

"It's okay Dickie. I understand."

Dickie shakes his head and she thinks again how much he looks like his father sometimes.

"No. It's not okay. Mom did this. And I shouldn't have believed her."

Elliot pushes himself off the door frame and takes two steps into the room.

"I already told you, son. Your mother thought she was right. She really believed it herself. We don't blame you for believing her."

"I should have talked to you dad," Dickie says, and his voice breaks a little. "I just wanted to be strong for mom you know. To help her."

"That's great Dickie," Olivia says quietly. "I can only hope that my son will stand up for me like that when he grows up."

Dickie bobs his head, looking down at his hands again. Elliot sits down on the foot of the bed, next to Dickie.

"You can still help your mom, Dickie," he tells his son while putting a hand on they boy's knee. "She knows now that she was wrong and she's going to need all the help she can get, from all of us."

"Aren't you like really mad at her dad?" Dickie asks him.

Elliot glances at Olivia over Dickie's head, and somehow, Olivia is a little anxious to hear Elliot's answer. Will things change between him and Kathy now that she knows he was never unfaithful to her? Will things change between him and her now?

"I was mad at first, because she didn't trust me. It was really frustrating. But now? I think we have to try and fix whatever we can, so you and your sisters won't feel like you have to pick a side anymore. Does that make sense to you, Dickie?"

"I guess," the boy says, shrugging. "But I still hate her for what she's done. To you and all of us, and even Olivia. And she never did anything."

He gestures at Olivia, who bites her lip when she hears Dickie vocalize that she's been absolved of any wrongdoing. It means a lot to her and when the Stablers get up to leave a few minutes later, she reaches for Dickie to give him a one-armed hug.

"We're okay now, right Olivia?" Dickie mumbles in her hair.

Olivia pulls back and looks into his eyes, and assures him,

"We're okay now."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

Elliot leads Dickie out of the room and glances at her over his shoulder.

"I'll be back soon," he says quietly and she nods, and then she is alone with her son once more.

…

It's a challenge to get up out of bed and carry her son to the nursery to change his diaper. Olivia feels like she's moving in slow motion but she's proud of herself for doing it on her own. The doctor had assured her that she can walk around and do whatever she feels she can handle. Just not too much in one go without resting, but she should feel herself getting stronger after just a few days.

After changing Chris's diaper and dropping a dozen small kisses on his belly, she redresses him and puts him in his crib again. She's relieved when she sees him doze off almost instantly and hobbles to the kitchen, leaving her bedroom door ajar. She's finally hungry, which is a first since Chris had been born this morning. She powers up the microwave and after two minutes, she sits down gingerly at the dinner table to eat.

While she eats her pasta, her mind drifts back to Dickie and Elliot and their conversation. Elliot doesn't want his kids to feel like they have to choose between their father and their mother anymore. He wants to fix whatever he can. What does that mean? Could he be contemplating going back to his family? Olivia feels her chest constrict suddenly when a realization hits her. Could that have been the reason he wouldn't have sex with her? Had he still been hoping for a reconciliation with his wife once she'd see that her baby wasn't his? Was that why she'd felt him distance himself from her at the hospital?

Her mind is spinning suddenly and she shoves her plate away so she can rest her arms on the table, and her head on her arms. This is no time to become anxious. She's home alone with her newborn baby. She is responsible for him. It isn't just about her anymore.

Olivia tries to pull herself together but her restless mind won't leave her alone. He had barely touched her since the birth, except for right afterwards when they had first laid eyes on little Chris. They had felt like proud parents then, but she doesn't think he's even kissed her once since. Her memories of those first few hours are blurry but the more she thinks about it, the more certain she becomes that Elliot had indeed pulled away from her. And now he's off to Queens to be with his family. To support them like he always has. To fix whatever he can. Olivia uses the bathroom, cleans herself up and heads back to bed, but her restless thoughts won't let her sleep. By the time Elliot comes back, she has convinced herself that he is going to leave her and go back to his wife.

…

To be continued ...