52. First night

Olivia is in her bed, wide awake, when she hears the front door. Elliot's home. It's almost midnight and she had tried to get some sleep, but to no avail. Chris is sleeping soundly, passed out after his last meal and she hears Elliot walk around the apartment, switching off most of the lights she had left on for him. She hears him walk into his bedroom, probably to change or grab something, and then he walks to the bathroom. She listens for the shower and can't wait for him to join her. She needs him now, to tell her she won't have to do it all alone. Even if he is going to try to make his marriage with Kathy work once more … she bites her lip and feels fresh tears well up behind her closed eyelids. She had never meant to become so dependent on him. They were just supposed to help each other out with the apartment. But she's allowed her feelings for her partner to come to the surface, encouraged to do so by said partner himself. Why had he done that, when he had no intention to see things through with her? When he was still hoping to 'fix whatever he can' with Kathy like he's said?

She lies very still when she hears Elliot emerge from the bathroom and pad back towards the bedrooms. She hears him stop outside her door and after a few moments, the door to his bedroom closes. And then … nothing. Olivia frowns. He isn't coming back out of his room? She hears a soft scraping sound against the wall and she realizes that Elliot has just climbed into bed in his own room. He isn't going to join her.

It's enough to make her tears spill over and she presses a hand against her mouth to suppress any sound she might make. She doesn't want to wake her son and she doesn't want Elliot to hear her. It's obvious now and she needs to face it. It's just her and Chris against the world. Just the two of them.

And they'll be fine. They'll be just fine, she tells herself, over and over again while she cries silently. It's almost a relief to hear her little boy wake up again after a while. Tending to him makes her feel less alone. He doesn't strike her as hungry this time, just in need of company. God knows she needs it too and she places him next to her in the big bed. She lies on her side and cradles her son against her with one arm, covering him with just her sheet, so her comforter won't suffocate him.

She watches his face as the baby relaxes next to her and kisses his cheek softly.

"We're gonna be just fine Chris. Just you and me," she whispers, knowing she's really talking to herself. "We don't need anyone else, do we? We'll be just fine."

…

It's still dark outside when Chris demands Olivia's attention again. His soft wails are more focused now and she knows he's hungry. And wet, she soon finds when she lifts him in her lap. He's a good drinker and she hadn't changed his diaper after last time. Lesson learned, she thinks. She nurses him first, planning to change him afterwards but as before, her eyes droop closed as soon as Chris is drinking. It's almost as if her son is sucking all of the energy out of her, and she didn't have a lot of energy to begin with. She hasn't slept much and thinks she needs to go to the bathroom herself soon.

Her eyes snap open when she hears a soft knock on the door. Her stomach clenches and she clears her throat before answering,

"Yes?"

"Liv? Everything alright in there?"

"Yes," she says again, looking down at her child. They're fine. She can manage on her own.

"Can I come in?"

She bites her lip and hopes the emotions of the long night don't show on her face anymore.

"Okay."

Elliot opens the door and shuts it behind him quietly before walking up to the bed.

"Hey. How are you guys doing?"

"We made it through our first night," Olivia answers. "But he's wet."

"You didn't change his diaper?"

Olivia takes a breath before answering. This isn't the right time to snap at her partner. Not while she's feeding her son.

"I'm a first time mom, alright?" she manages to say softly, but her voice is terse.

"I know that," Elliot acknowledges. "It was just a question. Did you get any sleep?"

Olivia sighs and shakes her head. She feels like screaming but she can't. Not with Chris still drinking quietly. He's so cute when he drinks, his little fist resting on her breast while his jaw and tongue are working hard.

Elliot sits down next to her on the bed and says softly,

"I'm sorry."

Olivia glances at Elliot, wondering what he is apologizing for. No. Not wondering. Actually, she's telling herself what he is apologizing for. For leading her on. For making her believe that they had a future together. For running back to his wife now that she believes him at last. For distancing himself from her by moving back to his own room. For ending things before they had even really begun.

Only they had begun for her. She had started to believe that there was actually a chance for her. That her child would have Elliot in his life as a real father, not just a father figure or a male role model. And that he would be hers at last. She'd had a taste of him now and it's almost too much to bear, knowing she has just lost it all.

Elliot is apologizing and she doesn't know how to respond. It just hurts too much and the pain makes her clam up, just like pain has always made her clam up. It's not just about her anymore now. She has a child to protect and he needs to come first now, no matter what. She needs to be strong for him.

"I had hoped you'd get some rest but I guess Chris here kept you up most of the night."

Elliot touches the back of Chris's little fist with his fingertip and the baby flexes his tiny fingers at the sensation.

"Would you look at that," Elliot says, in awe of what he's seeing. "Next think you know, he's gonna grab my finger."

Olivia frowns and keeps her eyes focused on her child. He is drinking slower, possibly just sucking now and she thinks he's just about done. When she detaches his little mouth gently from her breast, Chris doesn't object.

"You want me to change him for you?" Elliot offers.

She has a mind to say no, that she is perfectly capable of taking care of her own child, but that's not really true. She's the one who didn't change his diaper earlier, and that's why he now needs a fresh change of clothes. So does she, for that matter. Her nightgown is stained where she's held Chris against her.

"Yeah," she sighs. "I need to change too. And I have to pee."

"You want me to help you first? I can wash Chris in a few minutes," Elliot offers while lifting Chris from her lap.

"No."

She sounds firm. Almost angry. She knows she's on the verge of a breakdown, and that could take on any shape right now. Anger or panic or tears or all of it at once. She doesn't want tears, so she starts pushing herself off the bed.

Elliot quickly puts Chris in his crib and holds out a hand to help her. Olivia swats it away and groans when her lower half reminds her of what she's been through. It's still incredibly tender and sore.

"I can do it," she huffs nonetheless and she's not amused when Elliot holds up his hands in mock surrender.

She drags herself to the bathroom and bites her lip when she sees how much blood she's lost during the night. She definitely needs a change of clothes. There's even more when she sits down to pee and panic finally takes over. She can't do this alone. Not yet. She's too weak and she's bleeding too much. She can't go out for groceries or even down to the laundry room by herself yet. She can't do this …

"I can't do this."

She bends over while sitting on the toilet and tries to take a few deep breaths but it's not working.

"I can't … I can't …" she pants.

But she has to. She has no choice. Chris is counting on her. Maybe he'd be better off with a different mother.

Olivia spends at least ten minutes in the bathroom, reasoning with herself, trying to get a grip on her emotions, before she hears Elliot try to open the door. But she's locked it this time.

"Olivia," he says urgently. "Open up."

He can't see her like this. She's cold and exposed. Her nightgown has baby pee on the front and blood on the back. She's a mess and she's been crying. She needs clean underwear but she won't ask Elliot to get it for her.

"Live. Come on!" Elliot urges, pounding on the door for emphasis. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she tells him but they both know it's a lie.

"You don't sound fine. Just let me in."

"No."

The silence is deafening for a few moments and she can picture Elliot, standing outside the door, completely frustrated with her, probably wondering if he should just kick the door in.

"Chris is all cleaned up and in his crib," she suddenly hears him say, and his voice sounds almost normal. "He actually burped, you know. It was cute."

What is he trying to do, Olivia wonders. Distract her? Mellow her out so she'll let him in? She would have wanted to hear Chris's first real burp and she smiles at the thought. But then she feels like crying because she missed it.

When she doesn't respond, Elliot tries another tactic.

"I saw the blood in your bed, Liv. I have a change of clothes here for you."

She wants the clothes, desperately, but he can't see her like this. Not now. Not now that he's leaving her.

"I thought you might feel better in sweats instead of a nightgown. You know, feel human again. With socks and everything."

Olivia chuckles despite herself. It would definitely make her feel more human again to wear sweatpants and socks instead of walking around barefoot in a wide nightgown, and it moves her that he knows this. But then she realizes he's done this before. Of course he knows this. Kathy probably told him and now he's using his vast knowledge of what women are like after giving birth, to make her come out of the bathroom.

"Come on, I know you want the socks," Elliot teases and that gives her just enough strength to refuse him.

"Just leave the clothes at the door and I'll get them."

She can hear him sigh even through the closed door.

"That's ridiculous Liv."

"I don't care," she snaps back.

"What's wrong?"

As if he doesn't know, she thinks.

"It's not like I've never seen you messy before."

She doesn't know what to say to that and when she doesn't answer, she hears Elliot settle in behind the door.

"I'm just gonna stay out here until you're ready to let me in, Liv," he says calmly.

He's good at placating hormonal women …

"I had hoped you'd get some sleep. That's why I didn't disturb you last night. I'm sorry if I made the wrong call."

And just like that, the tears are back. What is he saying? He would have joined her? Now she's confused.

"I just … wasn't sure you wanted me there. You know, your first night with your baby."

Olivia closes her eyes and shakes her head. Of course she wanted him there! More than anything. But he's going back to his family and she needs to accept that and move on as quickly as possible. For her own sake and for her baby's sake.

"It's fine El," she manages to say. "Just give me the clothes."

"Open the door."

"You're not coming in."

"Yes, I am."

"I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

He sounds exasperated and they are back to square one.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know that, dammit! I just wanna help."

"Why?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you wanna help me now, if you're going back to Kathy anyway?!"

...

Oh Olivia. Do any of you moms (or dads) out there recognize this? :)

To be continued. Reviews are life.