It's been a while so I hope this still makes sense! It's some drama, the beginning of a conversation and more baby fluff because I love it so!

...

53. First Morning

"Open the door."

"You're not coming in."

"Yes, I am."

"I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

He sounds exasperated and they are back to square one.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know that, dammit! I just wanna help."

"Why?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you wanna help me now, if you're going back to Kathy anyway?!"

...

Olivia holds her breath after yelling those words at Elliot. It's truth time. He'll have to tell her now and then she'll make him leave the clothes by the door for her. He can't expect her to let him see her like this and help her clean up and change now. Surely he understands that.

It's eerily quiet on the other side of the door and for once, she doesn't have a clue what's going through his mind. Is he still pissed off with her, or is he stunned now? Defeated even?

She shivers, feeling cold and dirty, still sitting on the toilet with her dirty nightgown bunched up around her waist. And then she finally hears Elliot's voice again. He starts out fairly normally but his voice gets louder as he goes.

"Olivia, I'm not doing this with you right now. You gave birth less than 24 hours ago and you're in no shape to do everything alone yet. I said I'd be here for you and I am. Now open this goddamn door or I swear I'm kicking it in."

Olivia rests her face in her hands, suddenly feeling like crying again. Stupid hormones. She wants clean clothes and she wants to get back to her baby but there's no way around Elliot. She has no choice and she hates that. And she hates that she still needs him. Finally, she pushes herself up from the toilet and unlocks the door. Elliot enters within a second, probably to make sure she can't change her mind. He does a double take when he sees her and she knows she probably looks like hell.

"Let's get you in the shower first," he says and without waiting for an answer, he places her change of clothes on the edge of the sink and turns on the shower. Turning back to her, he reaches for her nightgown and suddenly Olivia feels completely drained. All the fight has left her and she raises her arms dutifully so Elliot can take her gown off. Her panties are on the floor already and Elliot carefully peels her nursing bra off her body. Olivia shivers while she waits, and when Elliot has checked the temperature of the water, he helps her step into the tub.

She welcomes the warmth of the water and closes her eyes. She reaches for Elliot blindly with one arm, trusting that he will make sure she doesn't lose her balance. When she feels his hands wrap around her waist, she opens her eyes and sees he's taken off his t-shirt.

"What are you doing?" she asks, feeling a slight panic rise in her chest.

"Nothing Liv. Relax. I'm just keeping my shirt dry. Can you wash your own hair while I hold you like this?"

She nods, then grabs her shampoo and does as he has asked. After she has washed her hair, Elliot helps her soap up and rinse all the sweat and other grime off her body. There is nothing erotic about the whole scene and Olivia doesn't know if she should be relieved about it or not. She's in no shape for any kind of intimacy right now and she didn't even want Elliot to see her like this - but still. Does he find her even remotely attractive anymore? Her body still looks pregnant and she feels like she'll never look normal again.

Elliot helps dry her off and makes sure she sits down on the edge of the tub before attempting to put on fresh underwear and the socks he'd promised her. It feels great to be clean again and to put on a pair of sweatpants. Elliot dashes off to get her a clean nursing bra and after putting it on she moans contently when she feels her favorite oversized sweatshirt slide over her head and around her body. She finally feels somewhat human again and walks out of the bathroom ahead of Elliot.

"You wanna sit on the couch?" Elliot asks her and she simply nods.

After he has made sure she's sitting comfortably on a soft pillow and with another pillow supporting her back, he checks on Chris, who has slept through the whole bathroom drama. Then he sets out to make them breakfast. It's still early in the morning but Olivia has to admit she's hungry and thirsty. She thanks Elliot softly when he places breakfast on the coffee table and hands her a glass of water. He is very quiet and she feels like he's miles away even if he's sitting down just two feet away from her. He watches her eat and she feels like he's checking up on every little thing she does. He probably is, because that's what he does. He watches out for her and it used to make her feel good. Safe. Like somebody actually cared about her. But the air is thick around them, filled with unspoken words and jumbled thoughts, and she doesn't know what to say.

Part of her wants to forget everything and just enjoy his company and being a brand-new mom but another part of her needs to know what's going to happen now. What is Elliot planning on doing? She doubts she'll be able to afford this place by herself and she can't ask Miguel to chip in for rent. She doesn't want to ask Miguel for anything. Springing a child on him had been bad enough, although he's taken it quite well. She can't ask even more of him.

When she's almost finished her breakfast and is drinking a second glass of water Elliot has gotten her, he finally speaks up.

"Are you feeling better now?"

Olivia bobs her head without looking at him.

"Yeah, I do. Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me, Liv."

"Well, it wasn't a pretty picture earlier," she says with a humorless chuckle.

"I knew what I signed up for. It's no big deal. You just gave birth. You're allowed to freak out. For now."

She glances at him then and a small smile tugs at her lips.

"When does my freak-out time end?"

"Whenever you're done freaking out," Elliot says and he chances a grin as well.

"You sure about that? Could be a while," she admits. She knows now that she's been a little childish and she feels stupid.

"I know. But you'll have normal times too, like now. We can do this."

"We?"

She doesn't really know what to think of everything.

"Yes, we. I don't know what's going on inside that head of yours, but I'm not going anywhere Liv. Why on earth would you think I'm going back to Kathy, after everything that's happened?"

Olivia stares at him, trying to understand what he's saying and looking for clues in his face to determine what he really means.

"Do you want me to go?" he asks her, and what she sees in his eyes surprises her very much.

Insecurity.

But what could he possibly be insecure about?

"No, I don't want you to go," she answers truthfully. "But we both know you're going back home. You always go back home."

Elliot scrubs a hand down his face and takes a deep breath, as if he has to make an effort to contain himself. His voice sounds strained when he tells her,

"Liv. I am home. Right here. I didn't move here temporarily. I thought you knew that. We've been over this! Unless you don't want me to be here, of course."

"But you said … you told Dickie …"

"If you wanna give it a go with Miguel, I won't stand in your way Liv."

"You wanted to fix things with Kathy and … "

"I mean, he is Chris's dad. I understand that."

"Well, you've always gone back and you wouldn't have sex with me. I guess I get that now …"

"And he's a good man. He deserves to know his kid if he wants it."

"You're not a cheater, and that's great. It's admirable and … what did you just say?"

"Wait a minute. What were you saying?"

They stare at each other for a few seconds, trying to process each others' words and failing, because they are still so full of their own words. The shrill sound of Elliot's phone startles both of them and Elliot jumps up to grab it from the kitchen counter.

Olivia watches him as he takes the call and she suddenly feels deflated when she realizes it's Cragen calling. Elliot probably has to go.

"Well, we made it through the first night," Elliot tells their boss. Olivia tries to follow the conversation while hearing only one side of it.

"Yeah, she's alright. Didn't get much sleep but that's to be expected ... Yeah, right. ... I don't know. I'll have to ask her."

Elliot puts his hand over his phone and tells her softly,

"They wanna come over to see Chris. You up to that?"

"When?" she asks him. "And who?"

"Cragen, Munch and Fin. After the morning briefing."

Olivia checks the time. It's almost eight AM, which is not as early as she had thought. How long had she been holed up in the bathroom? Morning briefing is usually between eight and eight thirty so the guys could be there in an hour. Olivia hesitates and before she can say anything, Elliot tells the Captain,

"Can you make it ten? We haven't really gotten into a routine with the baby yet ... Yes sir ... Yes sir ... Alright. See you then."

Elliot glances at Olivia again after hanging up.

"You won't have to do anything Liv. You can just sit with Chris and let everything happen. I'll make sure they don't stay too long."

She nods and she swears there's something she wanted to ask Elliot, but she has forgotten what it was.

"Now about what you just said …" Elliot starts.

And then she remembers.

"Yeah. And about what you just said!" she counters.

"I don't think you were listening to me," Elliot says, walking back up to her. "Why do you just assume I'm going back to Kathy now that she knows I didn't cheat on her? The accusation hurts just as much as it did when she first made it."

"But you said you were gonna fix things with her."

"When did I say that?"

"Yesterday. To Dickie."

"Did I?"

"Yes. You did."

Olivia frowns and then she feels her stomach clench, a split second before she hears a soft wail coming from her bedroom. It's as if she knew beforehand that her son needs her and she pushes herself up from the couch immediately.

"I can get him for you," Elliot offers but she shakes her head.

"I wanna do it myself."

"Of course you do."

Olivia sticks her tongue out at him before hobbling towards her bedroom. She hears Elliot chuckle and somehow, her heart doesn't feel as heavy as before. He's still here. He's helping her - whether she wants him to or not - and he says he's not going back home. No, that he's already home. Here. So why was he rambling about Miguel earlier?

She closes the door of her bedroom softly before walking over to Chris's crib. Her son's face is scrunched up as if he's ready to start screaming but his tiny voice doesn't make a lot of noise yet. She expects that will change soon though. She picks Chris up, carefully supporting his neck and head. His little head fits in the palm of her hand easily and it strikes her how completely helpless and dependent a baby truly is. He needs her and she knows she would do absolutely anything for him. She's his mother. Nobody else in the world is his mother, just her. She cradles her son against her chest and when he starts making eager sounds, turning his head into her sweatshirt with his little mouth open, as if looking for her breast already, she feels like crying once again. But it's a good kind of crying this time. She is overwhelmed with the knowledge that she is a mother now. That her dream has come true and she and her little man are already getting to know each other. He needs her right now and everything else can wait. Even Elliot. She knows they will need to talk again but not now. Now, she devotes her time and attention to her son.

...

I know this was short but I think we've made a small step towards our favorite Detectives getting closer again anyway. To be continued.