55. Connection

Olivia appreciates the attention. She really does. But what she would want most of all right now, is to be alone with Alex. She can tell that the blonde is aware that something is up between her and Elliot and however sweet Maureen is, she could do without both Stablers right now.

Both women have held Chris and Olivia loves their gifts, two of the cutest baby outfits she's ever seen and a baby mobile with music for over his crib with tiny blue unicorns dangling from it. When it's time for Chris's next feeding, Maureen almost melts at the sight of the baby drinking.

"He's so tiny and still, everything works," the young woman sighs. "Dad, would you think it's weird if I said I want to become a gynecologist?"

Elliot raises his eyebrows and blows out a breath.

"Not weird honey, but very expensive."

"But once she's done, she will make a ton of money," Alex interjects with a grin and Elliot smirks at the ADA.

"I guess so. You just have to do what you really want to do, Maureen. Your mom and I will support your decisions, as long as they are realistic."

Maureen thanks her father and then tells them she needs to get going because she has a class soon. Elliot walks his daughter out and Alex uses the opportunity to scoot closer to Olivia and whisper to her,

"Are you and Stabler alright?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"No."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Please."

She can see the surprise in her friend's face and she knows it's not like her to want to discuss personal matters, but she feels like she's suffocating around Elliot and she needs fresh input. Whenever she is busy taking care of Chris she feels fine but as soon as her son is asleep again, she feels very much alone. The responsibility for this new life weighs on her and she needs someone to reassure her from time to time that things will work out. She knows Elliot has promised to be there for her and Chris, but she doesn't feel it at all. And in her current postnatal state, she just can't seem to figure out how to shut her feelings off. There is no reasoning with them and she needs someone else's take on the situation.

Chris has fallen asleep again and she gently removes her nipple from his mouth before rearranging her clothes and lifting her son up so he can rest against her shoulder, in case he needs to burp. Olivia pats her baby on the back softly and rocks him. He seems completely oblivious to his surroundings and sleeps contently on his mother's shoulder. Alex smiles and tells Olivia she's a natural mom.

Elliot returns and looks at the two women on the couch. Olivia is immensely relieved when he asks Alex if she could stay for a while longer while he goes out to get some groceries. Maybe he's sensed that the women need to talk. He asks Olivia if there's anything she needs that he can pick up for her, and five minutes later, he's out the door.

Olivia sighs and closes her eyes. She's tired again. Too tired. But she wants to talk to Alex.

"So tell me what's up," Alex encourages her.

"I just don't know anymore," Olivia answers truthfully. "Ever since we got home, things have been strained between me and Elliot. I think he's going to go back to Kathy."

"What?"

"Yeah … Kathy came to the hospital yesterday after Chris was born, and Miguel was there. She finally realizes that El never cheated on her, and now he wants to fix things with her."

"I don't believe it. He told you that?"

Alex is stunned.

"Well … he told Dickie that he wants to fix whatever he can with her and he went to Queens last night to talk to her."

"Have you asked him what he means by fixing things?"

"I've tried to talk to him but it's like we don't hear each other anymore. And when he mentioned Miguel I got confused. I don't know what he's thinking about Miguel to be honest. Maybe the fact that Chris looks so much like Miguel is getting to him after all."

Tears suddenly well up in her eyes and she swallows hard. She's been worried about this before. About her son being different from Elliot's kids. Maybe now that Elliot has seen her son, he isn't so sure anymore about being a father figure to him.

"Hey hey," Alex says softly. "Now I don't know Elliot as well as you do, but I'm pretty sure he's not that kind of guy. We've been over this before, remember? He's always been a champion for every single kid he's come across."

Olivia nods and rocks her baby.

"Of course. But this is different. Chris isn't a child we just come across on a case. He's mine. He's here to stay and he looks just like Miguel. There's no way around him for Elliot."

"Around who? Chris or Miguel?"

Olivia pulls her shoulders up and sighs.

"From his perspective … both I guess."

Her phone beeps on the coffee table. Olivia ignores it but then it beeps again, and again.

"Sounds urgent," Alex remarks and when she offers to grab the phone for her, Olivia nods.

When she opens the phone, she sees that she has received a few images. From Miguel.

"What's the emergency?" Alex asks and she hesitates. What could Miguel have sent her?

She opens the first image and sees one of the pictures Luís must have snapped at the hospital yesterday. It's her, Miguel and Chris.

"Wow," Alex says quietly. "I think I get where Elliot is coming from Liv."

Olivia frowns and looks at her friend.

"What do you mean?"

"Just look at the picture. You three look like a radiant little family. It's like a picture from a magazine."

Olivia looks at the picture again and then opens the other two, that are much like the first one. Miguel has his arm around her shoulders and they're both smiling happily. In one picture, they both look down at baby Chris. They do look like a little family. Elliot must have missed the fact that Miguel refused to even touch the child and that he was just posing for the pictures. She tells Alex about the circumstances of the pictures and her friend urges her once more to talk to Elliot and get it all out in the open.

"And ask him what he meant when he said he wants to fix things with Kathy. You have a right to know."

"Yeah."

The three pictures are followed by a text, saying that the original pictures will be in the mail. Olivia appreciates it and sends a quick thank you back to Miguel.

Chris burps in his sleep and both women turn their attention back to the beautiful baby. Alex holds him for a while and Olivia watches her with her son while she thinks over what they've talked about. She had thought she and Elliot had gotten better at this talking thing but things have been an emotional mess these past two days. First Chris being born, then Miguel showing up and then Kathy bursting in. And the talks with Dickie. She's barely had time to process everything and is way too tired for a long talk about her feelings.

When Elliot returns with the groceries, she feels herself tense up again and naturally, Alex notices. Olivia excuses herself to go to the bathroom and when she returns several minutes later, she can tell that Elliot and Alex have been talking. Alex is still carrying Chris around, but is clearly just leaving the kitchen, where Elliot has been unpacking. She can't say she's surprised, and secretly she may have hoped Alex would talk to Elliot. It may make it just a little bit easier to finally get their conversation going. Olivia just isn't sure if she is ready to hear what Elliot has to say.

When Alex leaves, she gives them both a meaningful look, and when Elliot and Olivia glance at each other, they both can't suppress a smile. It's the first beginning of a connection to him Olivia has felt all day and it almost overwhelms her. Elliot sees the emotion in her face and after closing the door behind Alex, he reaches for her. Olivia feels like falling into his arms then and there but she doesn't. They stare at each other for a moment and then both take a breath to say something, which makes them chuckle.

"I'm pathetic," Elliot sighs, and when he reaches for her again, she lets him take her hand.

They walk back to the couch together and Olivia feels her heart beating against her ribcage. She feels like she's being torn into all kinds of different directions. Part of her just wants to sink into a long, dreamless sleep. Another part of her is scared to death of what Elliot will tell her next, while yet another part of her desperately wants to feel connected to him again, even if it's just like being partners again. Anything will be better than this disconnection she's been feeling. Her body still hurts and she feels faint and emotional all the time and she thinks if Elliot would just hold her for a minute, she'd feel better. Or maybe she'd feel worse.

Once they sit down she doesn't know what to say, but fortunately, Elliot does.

"Liv, we really need to talk."

She nods and bites her lip.

"Look, I … I didn't want to do this so soon after you gave birth but … well, not talking isn't working either, is it?"

Olivia shakes her head and looks down at her hands in her lap.

"No."

The scared part of her is beginning to take over and she knows Elliot is going to tell her he's leaving now.

"Just … just say it, El. Get it over with," she says quietly, still not looking at him.

Elliot clears his throat and when he speaks again, she finally looks up at him.

"Liv, I don't know what has changed between us but Alex tells me that you still think I'm going to leave you and that you don't want me to. Is that true?"

That one question contains so much that she needs a moment to process it. But it sounds about right. She may not have planned to ask Elliot to stay because she doesn't beg, but it is true that she wants him to stay. And so she finally nods.

"Yeah. I guess that sums it up."

"And you're really not thinking about trying to make it work with Miguel?"

"Of course not!" she answers right away. That was an easy one. "Why would you even think that? We've been over this."

"We've been over me not going back to Kathy too, but that still seems to be stuck in your head," Elliot says defensively.

"You said you wanted to fix things with her!"

"Did I?"

"Yes!"

They're both raising their voices a little now, but it's as if they can't help it.

"When did I say that?"

"Last night. To Dickie. You said you wanted to fix things with his mom. How can I misinterpret that?"

Elliot slumps back against the backrest of the couch and blows out a breath. He seems frustrated with her but to his credit, he is taking his time before formulating a response.

"Well, apparently you did," he tells her. "What I meant was, that I wanted all of us to start getting along again, so the kids won't feel like they have to choose sides. Kathy obviously needs help but I don't want them to start seeing her as the bad guy now, now that I've been vindicated. I just want all of us to be civil with each other. And Kathy owes you one hell of an apology."

"Oh."

Olivia doesn't know what to say. She should have known, but part of her is still terrified that it's all too good to be true. That somehow, she doesn't deserve to have her cake and eat it too. The feeling that Elliot had been pulling away from her had been devastating and in her head, she'd already been preparing for his departure, completely forgetting about the fact that she'd never be able to afford this apartment on her own.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Elliot says quietly, reaching for her hand again.

She takes his hand between hers and holds it tightly. It feels good to touch him again. It's her turn to say something, she knows that. But what can she say? He's not leaving. That's all she really needed to know. But how can they become closer again? What should she say to him?

"Just tell me, whatever it is," Elliot encourages her. He must see that she's struggling to find words.

She swallows and nods and finally admits,

"I just suddenly felt so alone because … you were so distant to me and I … I really, really wanted you to hold me last night when you got back from Queens."

She sees her own pain reflected in Elliot's eyes when he understands what she's telling him. He sits up and leans closer to her.

"So when I went to my own room instead …"

Olivia purses her lips to keep them from trembling, and nods again.

"I just wanted to let you rest. I never thought you might need me in there …"

Olivia squeezes his hand and then strokes it gently with one hand. It's hard for her to admit needing anyone or anything but she finally finds the strength and the courage to whisper,

"I need you."

...

A/N: So sorry for the long wait again. Reviews keep me motivated to finish this one!