A/N 1 - To those who are waiting for updates of my other two SVU stories: I have decided to finish this story first, because of the three, it's closest to being completed. (Actually, quite close.) Once this is done I will move on to "Someone Like Me" and after that, I will devote all my (SVU) writing time to "Beginnings" - which still has quite a way to go. I will try very, very hard not to start a new multi-chapter story before having finished at least two others.

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A/N 2 - Reminder: this plays out around season 5 so certain things we've seen transpire between the two Detectives haven't happened in this universe. Just thought I'd drop that here before I continue with Olivia's inner dialogue …

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56. Happiness

Elliot holds her for a long time.

"I'm here," he whispers a few times.

They still aren't great communicators but for now, it's enough. Olivia feels like she's been out in the cold too long, chilled to the bone, and she's finally warming up again. They're sitting side by side but with their upper bodies turned into each other, and Olivia has buried her nose in the crook of his neck. Her arms are wrapped tightly around his waist while his arms envelop her shoulders completely. She has shed a few tears but has tried to hide them, and Elliot is pretending he hasn't noticed. She loves him right now simply for not putting her on the spot.

When they finally break apart, Elliot gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek before asking her,

"Are we okay now? I mean, I know there's more to talk about but …"

"Yeah," Olivia nods. "We're okay."

"Alright. Why don't you take a nap before Chris wakes up again. I'm going to get our laundry from downstairs and we can talk some more later, okay? Unless you're still upset. I mean … we can talk now but …"

Olivia smiles and she definitely feels better. Elliot is babbling and it's kind of cute.

"El, it's okay. I do need a nap. Just … join me when you get back?"

He smiles back at her and his smile finally reaches his eyes.

"Love to."

…

When Olivia wakes up from her nap she is surprised that she's slept so well. Just feeling closer to Elliot again has made so much difference. And when she realizes that he's actually right next to her, snuggled up against her back, she feels happy butterflies fluttering in her stomach. It actually feels like a baby moving inside her, she realizes. She misses that in a way but when she hears Chris's tiny voice from his crib, all her attention shifts to her beautiful son.

"I'll get him for you," Elliot mumbles against the back of her head and she accepts his help without objecting.

She hoists herself up into a sitting position and scoots back until she can lean against the pillows that are propped up against the headboard of the bed. After Elliot has placed Chris in her lap, she asks him to stay. He moves next to her under the covers again, sitting up like she is and puts his left arm around her shoulders. Olivia has gotten the hang of making Chris latch on properly and once he's firmly attached to her left breast and drinking, she closes her eyes and drops her head against Elliot's.

"He can put me right back to sleep," she mumbles. "It's as if he sucks all the energy out of me."

Elliot chuckles and when she hears him move, she opens her eyes. Elliot has moved his right arm across her lap and caresses her son's cheek gently. He has never been shy to touch her child, right from the start. Olivia can't help making a mental comparison of the three of them with the trio in the pictures Miguel had sent her. Elliot is already more of a father to Chris than Miguel. He stood by her throughout her pregnancy, then through the delivery, and he's still here. She feels silly now about thinking he would leave. He isn't one to give up. But that's the same quality that had made her think he would go back to Kathy.

She knows he will have to tell her a few more times before it will really sink in. She isn't used to getting what she wants. Happiness has always seemed something that was meant for other people, not for her. She was just here to serve others. To help better their lives, never her own. Elliot may be the only person in her life who has ever made her feel like she deserves something too. She knows, rationally, that she can't be blamed for how she came into the world but deep down, she's always felt like she had something to make up for. Something to prove even. She's tried to prove that she can do the job as well as any man; maybe even better. And Elliot has always been her loyal sounding board. He has always treated her as an equal, calling her out on any BS but never questioning her abilities and always trusting her to have his back. And he has her back in return and it makes her feel incredibly safe to know he will always be there for her.

And now, he will be there for her in so many new ways as well. He smiles when Olivia moves Chris to her other breast. There is nothing erotic about the way he looks at her. All she can see is tenderness, and most of it is actually directed at her child. How could she ever have doubted if he could love him? She knows her insecurities won't melt overnight but she tells herself to savor this moment, and other moments like these that they are going to share over the coming weeks. Chris is completely dependent for now. All he does is eat, sleep, cry and make dirty diapers and Olivia is utterly relieved that she won't have to do it all alone after all. She knows she could, if she had to. She had been willing to do it on her own. She's just grateful that she won't have to.

When Elliot offers to change Chris after she has fed him, she hands him her child without hesitation. She lays on her side and watches Elliot change the baby on 'his' side of her bed. They both drop a hundred butterfly kisses on his little cheeks before Elliot puts him back in his crib, and once Chris is sound asleep again, Elliot sits down on the bed and kisses her forehead.

Her body is still recovering from giving birth and she knows she isn't interested in any form of sexual activity, but she looks up at Elliot anyway, bringing her mouth closer to his. She doesn't want or need sex but she does need him. She sees him hesitate and she tries not to feel hurt. He's just being careful, she tells herself and she takes a deep breath before asking him,

"A kiss can't hurt, can it? It's been too long."

Elliot doesn't need a lot of convincing and when their lips and tongues finally meet again, after what feels like a week, they both moan softly. Elliot's hands are framing her face and maybe he's trying not to touch her anywhere else, but Olivia lets her hands roam his back and shoulders and his insanely muscular arms. When Elliot breaks off the kiss suddenly, she looks up at him a little dazed.

"Easy Liv," he whispers.

"I miss you," she admits, and it's becoming easier to admit these things out loud to him.

"I miss you too. But we can't …"

"I know. I just wanted to kiss you."

"Hmmm."

It feels good to still be able to manipulate him a little, Olivia thinks. She hardly feels attractive these days. Her body is still bloated, she feels tired all the time and she's bleeding quite heavily. But she still affects Elliot and that feels good. It feels very good.

When he kisses her again, she tries to pull him tighter against her but Elliot resists a little. If she had her way, she'd pull him down on the bed with her but he won't have it.

"I don't wanna crush you," he mumbles against her lips. "Please don't make this harder than it already is."

He creates some distance between them and Olivia knows that their tiny make-out session is now over. But it did feel good to kiss him again and she thinks she will be able to get some more sleep on that note.

Elliot tucks her in and tells her he'll wake her up for dinner.

"If I sleep that long," Olivia says a little defensively.

"If you sleep that long," Elliot repeats and she knows he's just humoring her.

He winks at her and she tries not to smile but she can't stop the corners of her mouth from tugging up.

"Sleep Liv," Elliot tells her, retreating to leave her bedroom.

He checks on Chris one last time and then he leaves them alone. And this time, she doesn't feel as alone as the night before.

…

More visitors.

She should have known but by the time the third batch of visitors of the day leaves, Olivia is utterly exhausted again. Casey had brought flowers for the new mommy, telling her that she would bring something from Chris in a few weeks when Olivia wasn't so tired. George Huang had brought the cutest baby pajamas she'd ever seen and had been overjoyed when Olivia had changed Chris into the new outfit right after changing his diaper. She's relieved that her two coworkers had come over together and had also left together. She had wanted to take a shower but she feels too drained to undertake that adventure again and just cleans herself up with a washcloth. She knows she will be up a few times for Chris during the night, so she turns in early. Elliot promises he will join her later and she's happy that they are getting closer again.

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Her first week as a new mother goes by and she is beginning to wonder if it will ever get less tiring. Each day looks exactly like the day before. Everything revolves around Chris and she doesn't know what she'd do if she didn't have Elliot running errands and cooking and even cleaning for her. Well, for them. They live here together after all. Elliot has made a few more trips to Queens and all the children have been by to see her and Chris again, but until now, she and Kathy haven't talked. Olivia knows they will have to talk soon, but for now, she's glad to just be able to get used to being a mother.

As the day approaches when Elliot will have to go back to work, Chris finally starts to sleep longer between feedings. He is picking up a day-night rhythm at last, and has slept for five hours straight during the night for the first time since his birth. Elliot has cautioned her not to get used to that too quickly, but she has hope that her miracle baby will turn out to be perfect in every way possible.

It's Sunday afternoon. Chris is officially a week old, and Elliot is going back to work on Monday. Olivia doesn't know how she is going to cope with being alone all day and she wonders if this would be a good time to go for a walk with Chris for the first time. Until now, all the fresh air he's gotten has been from sitting on the terrace. The April air is getting a little less chilly now and she has put the pram out on the terrace a few times but she thinks she is ready to go outside herself now.

Elliot agrees that it's a good idea. Olivia can get a feel for how far she can walk on her own while still having enough energy left to get back home with Chris. Elliot carries the pram down the stairs while Olivia holds Chris close to her. Once downstairs, they tuck the baby in before going outside.

Somehow, Olivia had completely forgotten what a busy street they live in. Or maybe she's just been living inside a little cocoon this past week. Cars and scooters whiz by and people are walking hurriedly on the sidewalks or running to cross the road. Olivia hasn't really had any practice yet navigating the pram through a crowd but she thinks she's managing. Elliot stays right next to her and fortunately, people do make room for a couple with a baby. Because that's what people are seeing, she realizes. They're a couple with a baby. She glances up at Elliot, who seems to be focused on spotting the next obstacle ahead. Chris is falling asleep again, completely unbothered by the noise around him. Walking outside feels new and Olivia is a little frustrated that she still has to wear her maternity jeans. Some new mothers just fit in their normal clothes again right after giving birth, but she's not so lucky. She's still a heavyweight for now and it will take some time to get back in shape. And she is already getting tired, she has to admit, and they've only been walking for a short while. Elliot takes her to a playground on West 43th street and she's relieved once they get there, that it's not that far away from their place.

"I thought I'd show you where Chris will be able to play nearby once he learns how to walk," Elliot tells her with a smile.

"Well, that won't be any time soon," Olivia chuckles, looking down at her sleeping one-week old.

"Time flies when they're little, Liv. Trust me. How are you doing?" Elliot asks her, looking at her attentively. "Not too tired from the walk?"

Olivia wiggles her head.

"Let's just say I'm glad it's not further away."

It's an admission she hadn't wanted to make but she knows she won't get stronger by lying about what she can and can't do.

They sit on a bench for a little while and when Chris wakes up, they decide to head back before he starts asking for food. The movement of the pram lulls him back to sleep and Olivia makes a mental note of it. She's heard that taking a child for a walk can calm them down and it's good to know her son is no exception.

Once they're back home, Elliot insists that she relax on the couch with Chris while he starts dinner. She has been awake and walking around more this weekend than the first few days after giving birth and she's relieved that she finally seems to be making progress. Her son's first checkup is coming up and she wants to be awake and alert, so she will be able to focus on whatever the Doctor tells her about her child.

After feeding Chris, Olivia bathes him in his tiny little bathtub. It's becoming a wonderful ritual for the two of them. Chris loves being in the warm water and will relax to a point where Olivia has to make sure he doesn't slip out of her hand and go under water. He is beginning to move around more, waving his arms and kicking his legs, but once in the water, he stills and just looks up at her with his huge brown eyes. Sometimes he even frowns a little and they've already taken a few pictures for posterity of his frowning little face. His curly dark hair sticks to his little head as if it's been slicked back and Elliot says it makes him look pretty cool. He kind of looks like Fin, they agree, including the frown. Fin is definitely getting a copy of one of those pictures.

After his bath, Olivia puts his diaper on and wraps him in a fluffy towel. She walks up to Elliot in the kitchen with the baby, who now smells deliciously of baby shampoo.

"Chris is off to bed again," she tells her partner.

Elliot leans in to give the baby a kiss on the cheek.

"Sleep well, little man," he whispers.

He then gives the mother a kiss too, and Olivia leans into him a little to prolong it. Elliot smiles against her lips but tells her he really needs to focus on his cooking. Olivia pouts a little and then they both laugh. She's still chuckling when she walks off to put Chris to bed and it hits her then, how happy she is feeling. A chill shoots up her spine and she blinks a few times to get some unexpected moist out of her eyes.

Happiness.

She's never really known it. Could it really, finally, be her turn now?

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And feel free to send me suggestions for what you would like to see in this story before I wrap it up.