A little confession: I'm not at all happy with one aspect of what I've recently written for this story: it has taken Elliot and Olivia too long to continue their talk. I will try to fix it, using Kathy as a catalyst for some big truths to come out. I will be killing two birds with one stone, so to speak (well, in two chapters). I hope you'll like it.

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58. Apologies and accusations

They've made an appointment with Kathy for a week from Sunday.

Olivia doesn't know if she should feel relieved or disappointed that the talk won't happen today. Part of her is definitely relieved but another part just wants to get it over with. But Elliot has assured her that Kathy is still a little unstable. He has convinced her that she needs more time to talk things through with her therapist and to gather her thoughts before she comes over. Having a date as a goal to work towards, should help Kathy focus. Chris will be exactly three weeks old that Sunday, and it was supposed to be the first weekend they'd have the kids over again for a night. Elliot has postponed that to the following weekend. Olivia can feel herself getting stronger again, both physically and mentally, and with an extra week added, she will only have gotten stronger. Also, it will be good to be alone with just Chris and Elliot after her talk with Kathy, she reasons, and so she accepts the postponement.

Still, she is hit with a wave of nerves every now and then as another week goes by, and she knows it's because she's always felt this pang of guilt about having feelings for the other woman's husband. There is no need for guilt anymore but old habits and reflexes can be persistent and this is definitely one of them. She can only hope that Kathy has accepted the end of her marriage by now and won't be too upset when she eventually finds out that Elliot's relationship with his partner has changed to a romantic one after all.

Being out with Chris is a wonderful distraction for Olivia, and she is taking a long walk with him alone for the first time, sporting the baby carrier Elliot had picked up for her on his way back from work a few days earlier. Until now, she hadn't gotten any further than the nearest Healthy Market on the corner of 10th Avenue and West 45th, and usually it would be the three of them, but it feels good to strain her muscles again a little. She walks briskly towards the Hudson river for a while before slowing down to a pace that she will hopefully be able to maintain for a while. It's cloudy but not raining and once she reaches Pier 84, she sits down on a bench near the dog run. Chris is still too tiny to look at the dogs but she is already looking forward to coming here with him again when he's older. For now, she enjoys the view of the river for a while before heading back. Chris is sleeping contently against her chest but she knows he will wake up eventually, demanding to be fed. It looks like he's starting to wake up a little already, but when Olivia starts walking, the motion lulls him back to sleep. He doesn't wake up until they are back home and Olivia unclasps the baby carrier.

"Hey there, little man. We're home," she tells her son softly, and he blinks a few times before looking up at her with wide eyes.

It's the first time Olivia feels like Chris is looking straight at her very consciously and she feels a lump forming in her throat when he doesn't look away and continues staring at her. She can't wait for his first smile and just thinking about it makes her feel even more mushy.

"Come on Benson, snap out of it," she whispers to herself and Chris answers her by waving his arms and making a little sound.

"What's that, Chris?" Olivia asks, grinning widely. "Are you trying to tell mommy something?"

She sits down on the couch, still in her coat and lays Chris on his back in her lap, also still in his little coat, a gift from Kathleen. Chris coos again and Olivia chuckles. When she tries to get his coat off, Chris squirms a little, but as soon as he's out of the coat and settled in her lap again, he continues staring up at her.

Olivia feels like her son is studying her face to memorize it, letting it sink in that this is what his mother looks like. She wonders if every child does this or if hers is just amazingly super special. Must be the latter, she thinks, smiling to herself. Chris makes another throaty sound as if responding to her smile and she leans forward to kiss his little nose. Chris waves his arms and kicks out his legs, pushing into his mother's stomach. Olivia chuckles, enjoying these precious moments with her child and when she leans forward again, it's as if Chris tries to grab her face with his little hands. She takes his hands in hers and kisses the insides of them while telling her son,

"I love you, Chris. So much. Nothing's ever going to change that."

They play together a little more and then relax together while Olivia feeds Chris. Looking down at her bundle of joy, she feels like he is grounding her in a way. And he's doing it effortlessly, simply by existing and by accepting her as his mother without any question. He has given her a new identity in a way and it's one that gives her a strength that is different from the strength she's felt before, as a cop and as a supporter of victims of assault and abuse. And she suddenly knows it's a strength that will help her to face Kathy, no matter what the woman will throw at her. The doubt she had always carried with her whether she should have been born at all, has suddenly evaporated and it's all because of her child. They never planned to have him but he has every right to live. And he exists because of her. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from her again.

…

Sunday afternoon.

Chris is asleep and Olivia prays he will stick to his routine and sleep for a few hours, so he won't be any part of her talk with Kathy. Elliot has made them all some tea and he jumps a little at the sound of the buzzer. His ex-wife is here.

Olivia knows he's nervous as well. Elliot has been extremely busy and they haven't talked much about what to expect. She knows it should reassure her that Kathy wants to apologize, but she still braces herself for what's to come. When the blonde enters, the first thing that strikes Olivia is how old she looks. She's never thought about Kathy's age before, knowing she's about the same age as Elliot, but the tensions of the past year have clearly taken a toll on the woman. And Kathy's tense now.

Olivia has stood up and greets their guest rather formally while Elliot takes her coat.

"Hello Kathy. Could you find the address alright?"

"Uhm, yes. Actually, Maureen dropped me off."

"Is she still here?" Elliot pipes up but Kathy shakes her head.

"No. She needed the car and … I need to do this alone anyway."

"Why don't you have a seat?" Olivia says, walking back to the sitting area. "Elliot made tea."

Kathy nods. She glances at her ex-husband but says nothing and follows Olivia to the couch. Olivia can't help wondering if Elliot ever made tea while they were still married.

Kathy chooses the single armchair and sits down stiffly. She looks around the room and her discomfort is tangible. She must be aware that she is in Elliot's domain now, and there is no longer a place for her in his domain. And it's Olivia's domain as well. There are pictures of Elliot's children and a big portrait of Chris on the walls. When Elliot walks over with the tea on a tray, Kathy finally speaks.

"How is your baby doing, Olivia?"

"He's fine, thank you," Olivia says, feeling instantly on guard. Chris is off limits for now, at least until they have found some way to coexist without this suffocating tension hanging between them.

"If we're lucky, he'll sleep for another two to three hours," Elliot remarks.

His eyes meet hers and they send each other some silent encouragement.

"Maureen was a good sleeper too," Kathy says a little wistfully, but then she frowns as if reminding herself that this isn't a social call.

Once they all have a cup of tea in front of them on the coffee table and Elliot has sat down next to Olivia, Kathy takes a deep breath. The two Detectives wait for her to say something.

"Well …" the blonde says hesitantly after a few moments, staring at her hands that are clasped together in her lap. "This isn't easy for me but I do feel that … I made some pretty big mistakes and I should apologize for those."

Olivia is observing the woman, looking for signs of instability, but for now, she sees none. Just a lot of bottled-up nerves and emotions, but they all have those.

"I know I was wrong to tell the kids that their father was having a child with another woman and wanted nothing more to do with them. It was a horrible thing to put them through and I apologize for that."

Kathy had spoken quickly and seems to be relieved to have gotten the words out in one go. Perhaps it was a rehearsed little speech but Olivia can live with that, as long as she means it. And it appears as though she does.

"It really was an eye-opener when I saw your baby at the hospital, Olivia. And then Dickie's reaction. I hadn't realized his pain before, or the pain I was causing the girls. I was consumed with my own pain and I … I feel like I failed them as a mother."

Elliot starts to say something but Kathy quickly continues.

"No, Elliot. I know what you're going to say but I wasn't a good mother then. I wasn't. I was selfish and I was wallowing in my pain and a sense of righteousness that … that blinded me. I literally couldn't see what I was doing to my children."

"Or to Elliot," Olivia adds quietly.

Kathy chuckles humorlessly.

"Oh, I knew I was hurting him. That was the point."

"He never did anything to deserve that!" Olivia states firmly.

Elliot puts a hand on her arm and she realizes she's basically spat the words at Kathy. She's still as defensive as ever of her partner and best friend. Kathy watches the silent interaction between the two partners and then looks at Olivia again.

"I don't know for sure if he did or didn't. It's not just the actions that are unfaithful; it's the thoughts, too."

Elliot speaks up then, looking his ex-wife in the eyes when he tells her,

"Kathy, I am not going to keep repeating the same things I've been telling you for years. For the longest time, I never wanted any other woman but you. I have told you this before. I didn't marry you just because of Maureen. I truly loved you. But your constant distrust broke something between us. I still didn't cheat on you, but I did fall out of love with you over time. And that potentially creates room for another person in someone's life."

"So you admit it!" Kathy gasps.

Olivia still will not tolerate any attacks on Elliot as a husband. He never crossed a line with her or anyone else. Ever. And so she huffs,

"Kathy, I have never known Elliot to be anything other than a very honorable man, father and husband!"

Elliot cuts in too, telling his ex,

"I thought you had come here to apologize to Olivia. Not to accuse us after all."

Kathy bites her lip and it looks like she is trying to calm herself down. Then she nods.

"I did," she agrees then. "Olivia, I'm sorry for flat-out accusing you of sleeping with my husband and of getting pregnant by him."

"Okay," Olivia says neutrally.

She doesn't know if she's ready to forgive the other woman yet. If she even knew the first thing about her, she would know that Olivia would never get involved with a married man. That wedding ring had been a huge barrier between her and Elliot. An insurmountable one.

"But … I do admit that I never trusted you. Not since the first day I saw you," Kathy continues, and to her credit, she doesn't avert her eyes this time. She's looking straight at Olivia.

"My therapist is trying to show me that in the end, that probably has more to do with me and my own insecurities than with you."

Olivia thinks that three weeks is a very short time span to learn such huge lessons, but for now she'll take what Kathy is offering. Kathy glances at Elliot and the look in her blue eyes becomes sad when she adds,

"I know she's much more beautiful than I am."

Elliot takes a breath to say something again but Kathy lifts a hand, letting him know she's not done.

"But to assume that that would be reason enough for Elliot to cheat on me …"

Kathy sighs and Olivia can't help wondering if the woman has really let go of that idea or is she is just repeating the words of her therapist.

"I've tried to hate you," Kathy admits and her eyes are still sad when she looks between the two partners. "And I guess I succeeded a few times. I mean, you know things about him that he'll never tell me. About the job … the stuff he has to deal with … how that affects him ..."

"He only wanted to protect you and the children," Olivia interjects and Kathy nods.

"I know that. But it still hurt to see him confide in you … to clam up with me and then call you half an hour later or leave the house and I'd know he was going to you … and you being so beautiful and … nice."

The last word sounds frustrated and Kathy quickly follows it up.

"I guess I was looking for a reason to finally be allowed to hate you."

"There is no reason whatsoever to hate Olivia," Elliot states firmly. So firmly that both women look at him with their eyebrows raised.

"Well? There isn't," Elliot repeats, looking mainly at Olivia. "You did nothing wrong. You were the one to always encourage me to talk to her," he said, gesturing at Kathy. "You were the one who sent me home to tuck my kids in, leaving you to wrap up the paperwork after a long night. Suspecting me of going behind your back was one thing, Kathy. But to implicate Liv …!"

Elliot's own frustration is showing and he's raised his voice. Olivia wonders if the former spouses are going to start arguing. She doesn't want her son to wake up but Kathy gets louder now too.

"Go on, Elliot. Let it all out. Maybe now is the time, since we're all here. Right or wrong, why was it so horrible to implicate Liv? Is she going to be the one to fill the void after all? Since you just said … how did you call it? You fell out of love with me, and that created room for someone else?"

Olivia swallows hard. What will Elliot say now? He stands up and looks down at his ex-wife menacingly before he tells her in no uncertain terms,

"As a matter of fact, yes."

...

To be continued ...