CHAPTER 4: I love the way you always treat me tenderly
Summary: November 1960, just after the 'Ghosts' conversation. Delia wants to take their relationship to the next level - but does Patsy feel the same?
Brighton, Saturday the 4th of May 2014, 11:00am
Patsy straightened and squeezed Delia's shoulder gently. She made her way over to the suitcase which sat on the case-stand by the large double-wardrobes. Rummaging in her overnight bag for a moment she produced three, small velvet-covered boxes. Two were deep midnight blue velvet and the other dark red.
"You'll be glad to know that even in my dotage, I didn't forget to pick these up from the jeweller." Patsy chuckled softly, then turned and brought the little boxes over to the dressing-table. She pulled out the other chair and turned it to face Delia, settled down into it and opened the two blue boxes. Each held a simple gold wedding band, perhaps a little broader than usual, nestled into dark blue velvet and sparkling brightly with a deep shine.
"Wow!" Delia whispered, "they scrub-up OK don't they?"
Patsy smiled, "They do, don't they? Not unlike their owners!"
Inscribed onto the inside surface of each, was their initials and the date of their civil partnership: "P&D 10/06/2006".
They had decided not to purchase new rings for their wedding, instead Patsy had taken the existing rings to the jeweller to be polished and buffed back to their original shine. It just seemed right to do it that way. After all, their new marriage certificate would bear the date of that original partnership.
Patsy closed the two boxes and set them aside - Trixie would be charged with looking after these soon enough. Then she selected the other little box. This one, in the dark red velvet, was somewhat worn and faded and looked much older than the other two. She turned it over in her hands, rubbing her fingers over the soft surface.
Looking up, she found Delia's gaze and smiled lopsidedly, "well old thing, this must count as one of the world's longest engagements!" She opened the box to reveal the engagement ring she'd given her all those years ago - now newly polished and shining brightly - and offered it to Delia.
Lifting the ring from its box, Delia slipped it onto the third finger of her left hand and chuckled, "It surely must Cariad… and at one point, I thought it would never happen at all, didn't I?"
—
...The London Hospital, Whitechapel, Thursday 10th of November 1960, 1:15am
Delia sat alone in the deserted staff canteen. She didn't particularly enjoy night shift, it was just too quiet for her liking. Instead, she much preferred the hectic hustle and bustle of the day shift where there was no time to stop. No time to think...
Now, just halfway through her thus far uneventful shift, she'd already had far too much time to think.
About Patsy.
Or to be more specific, about her future with Patsy.
She pushed her plate of half-eaten toast aside and stirred her cup of milky tea, staring morosely at the swirling, scummy surface. She was finding being with Patsy increasingly difficult. Or more accurately, not being with her…
As soon as Patsy had moved out of the London Hospital nurses home and into Nonnatus House, Delia had felt the separation keenly. It had been so easy before to just pop in and out of each others rooms. To see each other discreetly without really having to think about it. But she'd been so pleased and proud of Patsy when she'd passed her midwifery exams. She was just so glad to see her finally happy with her career, that she resolved to make it work. She'd tried to focus on looking forward to their weekly meetings at the Silver Buckle and their occasional nights out 'Up West'. But it wasn't long before the reduced contact began to take its toll, and she realised quickly that for her, it would never be enough.
If the physical distance between them was a hurdle, she was finding the emotional distance an almost insurmountable barrier.
The lack of intimacy was now becoming a real issue. When they'd both stayed at the nurses home, they'd had the privacy to be themselves with each other. They'd had the simple luxury of locking a door and knowing that they wouldn't be interrupted. As a result, they had in fact managed to be very intimate surprisingly often. Belatedly, Delia was now beginning to realise that she'd taken that entirely for granted. Now she found herself longing for Patsy's touch and craving that intimacy almost constantly. It felt as though a huge part of herself was missing.
She sighed, staring for a moment at the beige-coloured liquid in her cup, then took a lukewarm sip and grimaced. The real problem was, that whenever they met now, it was always in public. No privacy. No chance for her to show Patsy the kind of affection she desperately wanted to – the kind of affection that Patsy deserved.
The first time she'd truly felt it was at the cubs charity Square Dance in September.
Whilst it had been fun meeting all the other midwives - and they all seemed lovely - the dancing had been absolute torture. The idea of dressing-up in drindl skirts and gingham had seemed so silly at the time, but on the night, Patsy had looked utterly gorgeous.
Of course she had! Why hadn't she expected that?
She told Patsy often enough that she could probably wear a potato sack and still look thoroughly alluring… And so, she had been unable to take her eyes off the beautiful redhead all evening. As the dancing had continued, she'd found herself becoming increasingly frustrated.
Although she tried her very best to hide it, there was only one person in the hall that she wanted to dance with, and it wouldn't - couldn't - ever happen.
That was when the reality of their situation had hit her for the first time. She'd tried to make light of it, suggesting they dance together in their heads instead, but the unfairness of it was like a sudden, physical force. The realisation that she would never be able to express her love for Patsy the way other couples did, was like an icy little stiletto-stab to her heart. She would never go dancing with Patsy, or kiss her on a whim, or (heaven forbid!) even hold her hand in public, without fear of rejection or recrimination.
And this was only compounded by the fact that Patsy would not tolerate any show of public affection. Often the slightest, lightest of touches - no matter how discreet - would make her freeze. And then the shutters would come rattling down…
Deep down she knew that it wasn't really rejection. It was a kind of defence mechanism - she had figured that out quite early on - and that it wasn't truly directed at her… but sometimes it really, really felt that way. With each one of those little rebuffs, she felt a small part of her soul wither and fade and it was becoming increasingly difficult to pick herself up, dust herself down and put on that blasted public façade.
She didn't understand how Patsy could do that so easily, could just turn off her emotions in an instant, as though with the flick of a switch.
Delia simply couldn't do it, couldn't shut herself down like that. She never had been able to ignore or hide her emotions for very long, they were always there bubbling away just under the surface.
True, there had been times, before Patsy, when she'd managed to control them. When she had realised that she was different to most women (was in fact attracted to women) and what that really meant, she hadn't been ready to deal with it. She wasn't sure how to. So, she had initially distracted herself, throwing herself into her nursing studies and training, concentrating all her energies on it, ensuring that it filled her mind completely allowing her neither the time nor the space in her head to think about her sexuality.
There would be time enough for that later, she'd always thought.
Then she'd met Patsy, and everything changed in an instant.
It became impossible to ignore or hide her feelings any longer - and that had been wonderful - for a while…
Now however, it seemed that it was becoming impossible to act on those feelings.
Her current situation appeared almost as bad as when she had first realised she loved Patsy. When she hadn't known if her love was (or could ever be) reciprocated. Actually, she decided it was a little worse, because this time she knew Patsy loved her. Or at least she thought she did…
Maybe they should just go their separate ways…
But what was the alternative?
Could she really live a 'normal' life?
Would it really be 'easier'?
God knows, her Mam was forever nagging her to: 'settle down' with 'some nice chap' or 'get married' or 'give her grandchildren…' It was exhausting sometimes!
But no - she knew she couldn't live that kind of a lie for the rest of her life, and it wouldn't be fair to the poor, unsuspecting fellow who ended up shackled to her. She knew that in the end it would gradually eat away at her, leave her bitter and miserable, and probably - ultimately - alone.
And she knew she didn't want to spend her life alone. She knew she wanted to share it. With someone special.
Patsy.
Delia loved Patsy deeply.
It scared her sometimes, just how deeply… she knew she couldn't walk away… there had to be a way for them…
But what? And how…?
Recently, she had heard talk of some developments planned for the hospital, one of which was the demolition of the old nurses home. Since hearing those rumours, she had been toying with the idea of suggesting to Patsy that they get a flat together. To Delia it was the perfect solution, but she just couldn't tell at the moment how Patsy really felt about her - about them.
Delia needed to see some kind of affirmation from Patsy before she could consider voicing that idea.
She smiled to herself grimly and checked her fob watch.
She should probably just get back on duty instead of sitting here moping. Maybe something exciting/dramatic would happen on the ward to divert her current train of thought elsewhere…
She let out a loud sigh and stood up, straightened her uniform, then gathered up her teacup and toast onto their tray and deposited it all into the rack at the end of the service counter. Making her way out into the hall and up the stairs to the surgical wards, she noted again how different the hospital looked and felt at night. The corridors although lit, were eerily quiet and all the administration areas were in darkness. Walking these deserted hallways, she often felt as though she were trespassing somewhere after hours.
As she entered the surgical ward area, she turned into the small locker-room just before the main ward doors to retrieve her apron. On approaching her locker however, she noticed the edge of what looked like a piece of note paper sticking out of the tiny gap where the door met the locker frame. Someone had clearly shoved it in there. But who…?
Intrigued, she carefully fished the small piece of paper out. It was indeed a note, about three inches square and folded neatly and crisply in half. She unfolded it and recognised the handwriting immediately.
'I'm outside in the quad, can you meet me?'
It was short and to the point and signed simply 'Px'
Delia stood still for a moment, perplexed.
What on earth was Patsy doing here… loitering outside… at nearly twenty past one in the morning?
Turning quickly on her heels and not stopping to put on her apron, she continued to the ward doors. Pushing them carefully and quietly open, she peered cautiously round the edge of the door into the dimly lit ward. She could see no sign of Matron or the Ward Sister - only Nurse Dixon was sitting quietly at the nurses station. She daren't be caught on the ward without her apron, so she called from the doorway in her best stage-whisper.
"Julia!"
When Nurse Dixon did not turn round immediately, she tried again.
"Jules!" she hissed, a little louder.
This time Julia did turn round, and on seeing Delia hovering in the doorway, quickly got up and made her way quietly over. "Hi Delia!" she said cheerily, but keeping her voice low enough so as not to wake any patients. "Back so soon? Had enough of the culinary delights in the staff canteen then?" she added with a grin.
Delia pulled a face, "Ugh, I know! Honestly, I can't drink another drop of that dreadful over-stewed tea!" she chuckled and then added as casually as possible, "Listen, Jules… I have to pop out for a little while… I don't suppose you could cover for me, could you?"
Jules raised her eyebrows, "Popping out? At this time of night?" then she narrowed her eyes, "Oh, I get it! Off canoodling with some dishy junior doctor are we?"
Delia rolled her eyes dramatically at her colleague, "Uh-huh, something like that!"
Jules nodded and tapped the side of her nose conspiratorially, "say no more - and consider yourself covered… God knows you've saved my bacon from the wrath of Matron often enough!"
Delia smiled gratefully, "Thanks! I'll try not to be gone too long."
"Listen love - it'll take as long as it takes…" Jules retorted and then winked knowingly, "… and I will require all the juicy details afterwards!"
Delia shook her head in mock exasperation, before carefully retreating back out through the ward doors and closing them quietly behind her.
—
As she hurried down the two flights to the ground floor, Delia's mind whirled.
Why would Patsy turn up here in the middle of the night, especially considering that she'd be up and out on her district rounds in just a few short hours? She hoped nothing bad had happened…
She was still lost in thought as she pushed through the huge, wooden front doors and out into the quad.
The chill touch of autumnal air on her bare arms focused her instantly. As her skin prickled into goosebumps, she began to wish she'd put on her cape. She paused at the top of the wide stone steps and scanned the interior quad of the nearly two-hundred-year-old building.
A paved roadway cut straight through the middle to allow ambulances quick access across the central grassed area. Ornate, cast-iron lampposts stood tall and at even intervals all the way round the edge, their somewhat sickly yellow glow only just managing to light the area adequately. However, the night sky overhead was sharp and clear, and in the crisp, bright moonlight Delia easily found the flash of copper.
Patsy.
She was leaning casually against one of the lampposts at the far end of the quad, dressed in fitted slacks and a tailored, dark green woollen coat. Effortlessly elegant, as always. As soon as she caught sight of Delia she straightened and waved a hand.
Delia quickly made her way over, cutting right across the grass in a straight line - the quickest route - the shortest distance. "Pats!", she whispered as she approached, "what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night – is everything alright?"
Patsy just gazed at her for a beat and then gave her that slow, lopsided smile.
Delia's heart flipped a little.
Reaching out a hand, Patsy gently pulled on Delia's arm and said simply, "Come with me." Delia's heart skipped again uncontrollably, the touch of Patsy's fingers on her skin causing goosebumps which had nothing to do with the chill in the air. And then she found herself being led mutely into the silent and darkened administrative wing of the hospital.
She'd been quickly led up three flights before she eventually found her voice. "Pats, what's going on - why are we here?" she asked in a loud whisper, then frowning added, "why are you here? I mean - it's gone half past one in the morning!"
They'd now reached the fourth floor and Patsy giggled softly then whispered back equally loudly, "I've got something to show you!"
Delia was beginning to think that perhaps Patsy was under the influence… but she couldn't smell any alcohol on her at all… "Pats! What can you possibly need to show me in the admin offices - in the middle of the night!?" she asked breathlessly.
Patsy paused on the landing and turned to face Delia. She fished a large ring of keys out of her pocket and jangled them in front of Delia's now thoroughly bewildered face. The corner of her mouth twitched ever so slightly, as though trying to suppress a smile, then she raised a finger to her lips and whispered quietly this time, "Ssssh Deels – you'll see…"
And with that, Patsy took Delia's hand and led her a little further along the deserted corridor, before stopping in front of one of the doors there. She fumbled with the keys, selected one and rattled it in the lock until it clicked open, then she opened the door and stepped inside, pulling Delia along with her. Closing the door quietly behind them Patsy felt for a light-switch… found it, and flicked it on.
They now stood in what appeared to be a store room.
The place smelled musty like an attic, there was a sink in one corner with what looked like a janitor's mops and buckets stacked against it, along with various items of old office furniture piled up everywhere.
Delia turned to face Patsy then.
"What on earth!" she exclaimed, eyebrows high in disbelief, "Pats, if this is your idea of a come-on…"
Patsy laughed, low and throaty and quickly grabbed Delia round the waist, pulling her close. Delia gasped in surprise, but she didn't attempt to get out of the embrace – at least not yet. Patsy smiled down at her softly, "Hmmm… you know, now that you mention it…" she teased, "I have heard on the hospital grape-vine that this room occasionally has other uses – and not of a janitorial nature either…"
"Right Pats - that's it!" Delia grumbled, wriggling out of the embrace, "If you think you're having your way with me in what is essentially a broom-cupboard, you can think again!" She put her hands on her hips and sighed loudly - and tried her hardest not to smile. Secretly, she loved 'mischievous Pats' but was always loath to show it…
Patsy immediately put on a look of exaggerated innocence, "Of course not Deels… I wouldn't dream of it!" she whispered contritely.
"Then you'd best start explaining yourself, or I refuse to take another step!" Delia commanded, Welsh lilt strengthening.
Patsy smiled and nodded, "I really do have something to show you, and you're absolutely right, it's not in this dusty old store room… perish the thought!" she added, with a shudder and a disparaging glance around the grubby room.
Gently, she took Delia's hand again, rubbing her thumb over the small knuckles, "I just needed to find somewhere quiet, a place where we would definitely be left alone." She raised Delia's hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss on the knuckles "I'm really not playing a prank – it's just through that old door over there," she whispered softly, nodding towards the back of the room, "will you come with me?"
Delia smiled and nodded, gripping Patsy's hand more firmly, "well, you'd better show me then…"
—
What ensued was some more fumbling with the ring of keys and some more rattling of locks.
Then there was some mild cursing which, in Patsy's received pronunciation, Delia always found quite amusing. Finally, after a frustrated shake of the handle and a small shoulder-charge, the old door gave way, opening with a loud screech of protest from the rusting hinges and a small cloud of dust from the rotting frame.
Patsy winced at the jarring noise, "Gosh what a dreadful din! But that does actually bode quite well from a privacy standpoint…"
Cold night air met them immediately as they stepped over the threshold. And Delia found herself standing outside. On the roof of the hospital! She stood stock-still, dumbfounded, waiting for her brain to catch up while Patsy closed the door behind them.
"It jammed earlier, so I won't lock it," Patsy muttered, "just incase we can't get back out… and I suppose those awful old hinges will alert us to any would-be interloper anyway…"
Only half listening, Delia slowly took in her surroundings.
The hospital roof was flat with a low, railed parapet running all the way round. A light dusting of frost coated the crunchy surface beneath her feet and at various points, random outcrops of ductwork from the hospital ventilation system stood out like abstract islands in a tar-and-felt lake.
She tilted her head back and gazed up at the huge expanse of night sky above her. Countless stars and galaxies glittered like diamonds on Prussian blue velvet. It reminded her of the clear night skies of home.
Bringing her gaze level again she looked out beyond the roof parapet.
Northwards she could see Spitalfields and Brick Lane, then on further still to Bethnal Green. Looking in the opposite direction she could see straight over the timeless, Dickensian-esque roof-tops of Whitechapel. Beyond that was St Katherine Dock framed by the gothic turrets of Tower Bridge. Then the snaking Thames, inky-black and glittering in the moonlight, twisting and turning on its languorous journey through the city, drawing her gaze irresistibly to the impressive, perfect, glittering dome of St Paul's sitting proud in the distance.
"Wow…" she whispered to herself in amazement.
It was completely surreal. And very beautiful.
Just then she felt warm, gentle fingers wrap around her arm and she jumped slightly at the touch – she'd almost forgotten Patsy was there. "Pats, please tell me what's going on…" she whispered.
"Come on - this way" was the only reply.
Then she was led gently round the corner to a sheltered area of roof immediately behind the stonework which housed the storeroom they'd just come through. As they rounded the corner of the building, the sight that greeted Delia made her stop in her tracks for the second time this evening.
There before her, laid out on one of the low steel-structured ventilation ducts, was what appeared to be a candle-lit picnic!
There were plates, teacups, a flask and a wicker hamper sitting on a large plaid rug, all lit by the warm flickering glow of a tall candle.
She turned to Patsy, wide-eyed and bewildered at the bizarre scenario she now found herself in. "What is all this…?" she asked quietly.
Patsy paused for a beat, her gaze dropping to her feet, gathering her thoughts. When finally she spoke, her voice was soft, almost shy. "Deels, I know lately that things have been… less than great. We haven't seen much of each other and I know that's been difficult – for us both," she paused and sighed softly, "and I know some of that is my fault."
She lifted her her eyes, finally meeting Delia's gaze, "I'm sorry," she stated simply. Then she added quietly, "so… I wanted to do something special to try and make things better," finishing with a note of hope in her voice.
Delia stepped closer and reached for Patsy's hand, giving it a soft squeeze, "Well, I can't fault you there, this is certainly special… and very slightly crazy!"
Patsy nodded in the direction of the bedecked ventilation duct, "well then… won't you join me for a midnight feast?" she enquired almost formally, "I hope you're hungry, I have some little pork pies, some lovely cheeses and there are scones and some jam." Then she smiled and added, "oh, and I know you said you don't like cake… but there's half a Victoria sponge, which I rescued from the ravenous clutches of Sister MJ."
Delia blinked slowly.
"No, I definitely like this kind of cake," she murmured, ignoring the actual cake and gazing steadily at Patsy.
The ghost of a smile tugged briefly at one corner of Patsy's mouth, then she turned, sauntered slowly over and settled onto the rug, sitting elegantly with one hip up on the duct and the other long leg outstretched with her foot on the floor. She cocked an eyebrow and patted the rug next to her as an indication of where Delia should sit.
Delia let out a little laugh of delighted disbelief and followed. The duct was just a little lower than her hip-height and she sat herself up on it without too much trouble - however, her feet didn't quite reach the floor…
She turned to Patsy and grinned, then swung her legs girlishly, her heels drumming gently against the sides of the hollow metallic structure.
Patsy chuckled, "Ssssh! I wouldn't do that too loudly – we don't want the night-porters rushing up here to investigate!"
Just then Delia felt a rather odd sensation: a gentle heat seeping through the rug and warming her bottom. "Oh my!" she exclaimed with a grin, "this thing is warm!"
Patsy laughed delightedly, "I know! Isn't it marvellous? It must be connected to the heating system…I chose this one for that very reason," then on taking in Delia's bare, goose-pimpled arms she added, "but I don't think it's going to be quite enough to keep you warm..."
She rummaged for a moment in the depths of the hamper and produced an NHS-issue grey woollen blanket. "Purloined from the Nonnatus House supply room" she explained with a wink, "we don't want you getting a chill." Then she reached over and wrapped it carefully around Delia's shoulders, her fingers brushing lightly over the skin at the nape of the younger woman's neck.
Delia sighed at the frisson of electricity the touch generated and brought her own hand up, touching Patsy's fingers briefly with her own as she pulled the blanket more tightly around her. This she decided, really was quite a lovely surprise!
"Pats?" she said questioningly as she glanced about her again, "how do you know about this place – and more to the point how on earth do you come to have a key?"
"Would you like a pork pie?" came the response as Patsy, obviously stalling, placed some tasty treats from the hamper onto a plate and passed it, along with a napkin to Delia.
"Come on Pats - tell me!" Delia chided gently as she accepted the plate of food.
Patsy poured them both some tea and placed the cups and saucers down on the rug between them. "Well, as I said, I wanted to take you someplace where we could have some time to ourselves. Some proper privacy. Only, I couldn't think of anywhere that would allow us to be truly alone. Wherever we go, we always seem to be interrupted…" She lifted her cup, took a quick sip of tea and continued, "… and then I remembered some gossip during training about pupil nurses and junior doctors coming up here on breaks during nigh shift – did you hear those rumours?"
"I knew it!" Delia exclaimed then, letting out a loud laugh.
Patsy stopped, brows furrowing in confusion, "knew what…?"
Now it was Delia's turn to tease. "I've got Julia Dixon covering for me right now and she's convinced I'm off fornicating with a doctor – turns out she wasn't too far wrong!"
Patsy narrowed her eyes. "Delia Busby! You know I wouldn't dream of taking you anywhere under false pretences!" she countered with mock-outrage.
Delia smirked and allowed her gaze to wander slowly from Patsy's eyes to her lips, and settle there, "You know, I may be able to squeeze in a little canoodling before I have to get back on the ward…" she mused, as if to herself.
Patsy gently bit her lower lip briefly – and then decided to get things back on track, "Um… so, anyway… about the key…"
"Oh yes, the key…" Delia immediately sat up straight, her attention rapt like a star student.
Patsy shook her head and rolled her eyes. "So, yes – eventually the porters got wind of all the high-jinks going on up here and they made sure all the rooms with access to the roof were kept locked from then on." Patsy then held up a finger and continued, "but… do you know Pete the night-porter?"
"Yes I do," Delia replied, "I see him often around the hospital – really lovely fellow."
Patsy nodded in agreement, "Well, I delivered his twin girls in March and he said should I ever needed anything – anything at all – I was simply to ask."
Delia nodded slowly, "Ah… so when you needed the perfect place for a secluded romantic picnic for two, you asked him for the key!"
Patsy nodded again, "Precisely!" then added ruefully, "so now he thinks I'm up here spooning with some ghastly doctor…"
Delia giggled, "…and Jules thinks I'm doing the same… let's hope they never talk!"
Still smiling at that thought Delia lifted her cup and took a sip of tea, it was much better than the awful brew in the canteen. She sighed happily and gazed out over the city again. "You know Pats – I don't think I've ever had a midnight feast – and certainly not an open-air one," she mused as she selected a scone and smothered it liberally in strawberry jam. Taking a bite, she chewed thoughtfully for a moment and added, "This is really lovely and sweet of you Pats. It's been so long since we've spent time together – just you and me – thank you."
Pausing then, she tilted her head slightly and gazed at Patsy for a moment.
She looked so beautiful right then, her teacup poised over its saucer, held elegantly in her long fingers, her skin even paler than usual under the moonlight. And then there was that faint shadow of sadness, barely detectable but always there, just behind her ice-blue eyes.
Achingly beautiful.
Every time Delia laid eyes on her - like just now, when she'd caught sight of her leaning against that lamppost in the quad - her heart flipped and skipped and butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She knew then and with with complete certainty that to walk away from this would be the biggest mistake of her life.
Patsy caught her gaze and took a quick sip of tea, she placed the cup back in its saucer – a slight tremble in her fingers making the china rattle gently – before putting the items quickly down onto the rug.
She took a breath then spoke quietly. "Delia…" she began hesitantly, "…I know that since I moved out of the nurses home things haven't been so easy for us. I struggle with it too. I know I may not show it sometimes, but I long to be with you. You, and only you. I want us to try to do things like this more often." She cast a quick glance at their surroundings, "even if it is a little mad, like a midnight picnic on a hospital roof." Gazing intently at Delia she added, "I meant what I said you know - at the Cubs parade - we will find a way to be together."
Delia nodded her understanding and then asked quietly, "Pats, when we spoke a couple of weeks ago in the cafe, do you remember I said I felt as though we were ghosts?"
Patsy swallowed and nodded mutely.
Delia reached out and gently took Patsy's hand in hers. It was warm but trembling. "Well, I think what I really meant is that when you're not near, I feel like a part of me is missing - the best part."
She sighed and placed her other hand on top of Patsy's, gently stilling the trembling there. "I do struggle when we're in public, but that's only because I'm so happy when I'm with you, and I just want the world to know it." Then with a rueful smile she continued, "but I know we have to be so very careful, and Patsy I need you to know that I can do it. I too want to protect what we have, because I can't imagine my life without you."
She glanced down and lifted Patsy's hand to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the knuckles. "I also meant what I said that night. I do want to get married. I love you Patience Elizabeth Mount, and if this world were a different place, I'd marry you in a heartbeat." Looking up again, she found Patsy blinking rapidly but failing in the end to stop a tear breaking free from her lower lashes and trickling down her cheek. "Oh Pats," she sighed softly, "you really are such a…"
But she was interrupted by Patsy quickly finishing the statement: "A fool. I know!" Patsy sniffed and lowered her gaze, "When you first said you wanted to marry me, it took me completely by surprise you know. I really didn't know what to do with it." She swallowed again audibly and raised her gaze to meet Delia's. "The idea that a woman like you might want to spend the rest of her life with me – well, I suppose I just couldn't quite believe it," she murmured in a throaty half-whisper.
Delia reached up and gently pressed her thumb to the tear, halting its progress down Patsy's cheek. Raising her thumb to her lips, she kissed the moist tip and touched it lightly to Patsy's lips. Then she whispered softly, "Please believe it Cariad, because truly I do. This is it for me."
Patsy pursed her lips slightly where Delia's thumb had touched, and then sighed softly. "You know, I think I had actually forgotten how to love" she stated quietly, "then suddenly you came into my life and I found myself learning how again. You may not realise this, but you teach me so much. And I want to learn more, because loving you is so easy Deels – you make it so easy!"
She paused and took both of Delia's hands in her own, and this time there was no trembling, her grip was steady and gentle. "Delia, I know that being with me isn't so easy sometimes. I'm brusque and prickly and I often don't tell you why." She paused and rubbed her thumbs over the knuckles of the two small hands held in hers, "But the thing is Deels, I'm also learning how to be loved, and I think that might be the most difficult lesson of all."
She brought Delia's hands up to her lips and whispered, "I want to be better at letting you love me Delia - and that's really why I've brought you here."
As Patsy's lips brushed the skin of her knuckles, Delia's heart flipped and began to hammer. She was aware of her chest beginning to rise and fall much more rapidly than it should be. She felt as though they were suddenly on the brink of something momentous and she found her eyes riveted to Patsy's lips. Hanging on every word.
Patsy softly kissed Delia's knuckles and whispered, "I love you Delia. I don't think you know just how much. I realise that's because I never really tell you… well, not properly anyway… I may not always get things right, but I am trying. Please know that I'll always try to treat you the way you deserve."
Delia could only look on, stunned, as Patsy reached into the depths of the picnic hamper and pulled out a small red velvet-covered box. "So, I want you to have this," she said simply as she opened the lid of the little box.
Delia gasped as her eyes took in the contents.
There, nestled in a snow-white interior was the most beautiful ring. Although it shone brightly, Delia could tell that it was older than it looked. Set in what was presumably platinum on the delicate gold band, were three perfect little square-cut diamonds, all in a row and shimmering like the stars in the clear night sky above them. "Pats!" she exclaimed in a hushed tone, "oh my gosh, where did you get that? It's beautiful!"
Scarcely able to believe her eyes, Delia watched transfixed as Patsy removed the ring from its velvety enclosure and held it between the thumb and forefinger of her right hand. Holding it up between them Patsy examined it for a moment, then mused almost as though to herself, "It's quite old…1920's I think… so, I took it to a jeweller to have it polished, and I bought a box for it too…"
Although the ring was quite simple in its design, the little diamonds it held were exquisite, and Delia found herself mesmerised by the moonlight glinting and dancing in the multi-faceted surfaces.
"It was my mother's." Patsy stated simply, before going on to explain further. "While we were in the camp we had to give up all our valuables, but we managed to conceal this and my mother gave up her wedding band instead. We managed to keep it hidden the whole time, and then I saved it and kept it with me when the camp was liberated."
Delia blinked herself out of the trance quickly as she realised the enormity of what Patsy was telling her. She gasped again in shock, "What!? No Patsy – I can't take that from you!"
Patsy smiled softly, "Deels, I've kept it for all these years, but I could never wear it. I never imagined for a moment that I'd ever find someone I could give it to. But now I have, and believe me when I say that there is no one else in the world I'd rather give it to."
Delia was stunned.
She knew what Patsy was asking. Of course she did - it was the thing she longed for - but still she couldn't quite believe it. "But I…ah… oh, gosh Pats!" she heard herself stammer in disbelief.
One corner of Patsy's mouth began to twitch upwards. "Well, it's not often I find Delia Busby unable to form a sentence," she teased gently, then suggested carefully, "perhaps I should phrase it another way…"
"Will you marry me?"
The words hung in the air between them for a few beats as Delia fought to steady herself.
Her heart was pounding in her chest and thundering in her hears. Tears had welled out of nowhere and now clung precariously to her lower eyelashes. She felt as though she may either faint from shock or explode with excitement – she wasn't sure which.
She heard Patsy softly clear her throat: "Ahem…" and then, "Oh lord please don't keep a girl waiting… I can't bear it…" voice catching - barely audible.
Delia blinked and the tears finally lost their hold, tumbling freely over her eyelashes and down her cheeks.
"Yes" she heard herself whisper.
Then she tilted her face to the stars and shouted, "Yes! Yes!" into the November night.
She felt the touch of gentle fingers and looked down through tears to see Patsy reverently slipping the ring over the third finger of her left hand. Delia lifted her hand and examined it carefully for a moment. Gazed at those glittering little diamonds.
Her hand looked different, and she realised it felt different too. She felt different. In that instant she felt truly part of something – of someone – more than just herself. And it felt wonderful.
Laughing and blinking away the tears, she saw Patsy gazing at her intently with a soft half-smile on her lips and she couldn't contain her excitement any longer. She threw her arms around Patsy's neck, pulled her close and then kissed those beautiful lips. Patsy's arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly, and it felt right, so very right.
They kissed like their lives depended on it. Like they were making up for lost time. When they finally broke apart, Delia felt Patsy's fingers running over her hand, along her finger and over the ring. Touching it as though to make sure it was really there.
Delia placed her other hand over Patsy's and smiled softly, "Thank you Patsy, I know I can't wear it in public but this means so much and I'll treasure it forever," Delia stated quietly, a tiny hint of sadness tingeing her voice.
"You can wear it…" Patsy replied, "…because I also got this…"
She lifted a little tab on the inside of the box to reveal a fine golden chain coiled beneath the white velvet interior. Lifting it from the box she unhooked the little clasp, then carefully removed the ring from Delia's finger and threaded it onto the chain. Pausing for a second, they caught each others gaze, the ring suspended between them, then Patsy leaned in, reached behind Delia's neck and joined the two ends of the chain.
Delia felt Patsy's fingers move against her throat then, and realised that she was undoing the top few buttons of her uniform.
Her breath caught and held.
"Here," Patsy whispered softly, "you can wear it next to your heart."
Warm fingers and cool metal feathered lightly over the exposed skin of her chest as Patsy carefully tucked the ring and its chain safely under the material of Delia's uniform. "There," she said with satisfaction as she re-did the buttons and straightened Delia's collar, "now no one but you and I will ever know."
Delia released her breath in a sigh, tilted her face up and placed a soft kiss on Patsy's lips.
"I love you," she said simply, tracing her fingers lightly over the lips she'd just kissed, "and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." She took both of Patsy's hands in hers and squeezed gently "and who knows, maybe someday the world will change and we might be able to really get married."
"I'd like that," Patsy replied almost shyly, then she flashed that lopsided smile, "and until then, we'll just have to plan our perfect wedding in our heads."
—
TBC