I can hurt you from inside
I made myself a promise
You would never see me cry
Til I make you.
"He wants to take me out on a trip. Just him and me." Were the first words Rick spoke as he closed the door leading to Aaron's kitchen behind him. Eric and Aaron looked up from the maps they were looking over, while Rosita seemed to sit up straighter in the chair she had been slouched in. Her eyes darted over to Aaron's and the man wrung his hands, almost anxiously.
"Have you spoken to Michonne?" He asked as Eric folded the map up, stashing it aside.
"Not yet." Rick replied, accepting the seat Rosita pulled out beside her. "We'll have to let her know. Did Negan say anything else? Give a reason why he wanted to take you out?" Eric questioned and Rick looked to Rosita who shot Eric a sly smile.
"Use your imagination, Eric. Rick's got him hooked." Her smile was half sly, half bitter. "This is going faster than I expected." She admitted, eyes roving to Rick. "Good job, Rick." She sounded impressed. Rick guessed that was a good thing.
"This could work." Aaron murmured, sounding surprised, a nervous smile twitching across his lips. He pressed his hands against the counter as if to stop the shaking. Eric blew out a weary breath, hand reaching to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Be smart with this, okay? Don't give in too easily." Eric finally spoke up, arms crossed over his chest and brow furrowed. "He knows how you are and if you're too forward too fast, he'll think something's up." Eric, ever the voice of reason. Rick assured Eric that he would be careful, and while he didn't look convinced, Eric still accepted Rick's words.
That night, Carl approached his father with an apology ready, just as Rick was moving to do the same. "Look dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt Michonne." Carl cut his father's apology off, looking uncomfortable and uncertain. He came to stand against the counter with his father who offered him a small smile, stroking a hand through the boy's dark hair.
"She's still family, Carl. Nothing is gonna change that." He quickly assured his son, wishing he could just tell him the truth and save him the confusion. "You have to know I still care about her." Carl, surprisingly didn't wave push Rick's hand away and leaned into his touch in a rare show of affection.
"Yeah, I know. We talked. She said it was mutual. You guys are still close?" His eye darted up to meet Rick's and the man nodded quickly.
"Course we were are, Carl. She's my best friend." Carl nudged Rick's shoulder with his own and Rick nudged him back, feeling a slight weight be lifted off his chest.
Negan's discovery of Judith was completely on accident. The little girl had awoken from her nap and wanted nothing to do with Olivia, wailing for Rick until the woman felt she had no choice but to seek him out just before the Saviors were expected to arrive. Negan had walked in on Rick attempting to console his teary eyed little girl who had her face buried in her father's shoulder. "Well, would you look at that." Negan's voice spoke up from behind Rick who jerked his head up in surprise. Negan stood, leaning against the door frame with a little grin as he took in father and daughter.
"Negan," Rick spoke up in greeting, voice brittle. "I didn't..." His voice trailed off as Negan stepped into the room. He didn't have Lucille and that offered Rick a small comfort as he watched the older man approach.
"You have a baby, Rick..." Negan murmured, voice soft and eyes fixed on Judith who peeked at him from where her face was pressed into Rick's shoulder. Negan smiled at her, lifting a large hand to her in offering. "Hi sweetheart." He greeted as the baby smiled back, releasing a little pleased gurgle. "What's her name?"
"Judith." Rick replied, watching as Negan continued to smile fondly at his daughter who looked tempted to to interact, but maintained a tight hold on her father's shirt. "She's teething." Rick murmured in explanation, "Two new teeth are coming through." He explained. Negan tutted in sympathy, cocking his head as he looked at the girl.
"That's just the worst, Judith. You poor thing." He murmured. Judith reached out a tiny fist, waving it towards Negan. "She got anything to teeth on?" Negan asked and Rick's face fell, adjusting his daughter in his arms.
"We've been giving her a wet washcloth, but she doesn't have anything other than that." He admitted in shame. He and Michonne had often spent the night up with Judith while she cried. Rick had even taken to dabbing the washcloth with some honey Carl had brought home in order to keep the baby occupied. But it was getting to the point were she didn't want the washcloths anymore.
"That's just not gonna do, is it Judith?" Negan murmured, face pulling into a childish pout that nearly had Rick snorting. Judith eventually allowed her eyes to slip closed, falling asleep against Rick's shoulder, little mouth hanging open. Negan watched as Rick gently lay the baby back down in her crib, smoothing his hand over her curls.
"I'll watch over her." Olivia assured Rick as he and Negan made their way down the stairs. She was wringing her hands almost nervously, eyes fixed on Rick who nodded.
"Thank you, Olivia." Rick murmured, before following Negan out the door.
On the road, Rick had trouble containing his discomfort. He knew he had to show Negan some hint that he was interested, but that was difficult considering Rick really was not interested at all. Apparently, it showed on his face. "Lookin' at me like you wanna shank my ass." Negan hummed, eyes moving from the road to Rick who fought to get his expression under control.
"I'm sorry." Rick muttered, tasting ashes in his mouth at having to submit to this man. He heard Negan sigh, fingers drumming against the wheel.
"No, no I get it. You're just trying to look after your people. Like I said before, Rick; you are special. I think we can learn to get along just fine." The truck rumbled on.
This was his chance. Rick fiddled with his sleeves, eyes darting from Negan and back to his lap. "Is this why we're out here?"
Negan offered him a slow grin. "I told you I'd explain myself, didn't I?" Rick held his gaze and Negan released a throaty chuckle, looking back towards the road. "Guess there's no point in beating around the bush. I want you."
Hearing Negan actually admit it out loud had Rick baffled. Sure, Michonne and the rest had said as much, but to hear Negan actually say it out loud was not expected. "Like as in sex?" Rick ventured and Negan barked out a laugh, sounding a little breathless.
"Yeah, guess that's part of it." His voice came out thin.
"Oh." Rick replied, listening as the older man chuckled again, shaking his head.
"Oh, he says...You ever been with a man, Rick?" He glanced over at Rick, one dark eyebrow raised in inquiry.
Rick shook his head, watching placidly as Negan ran down a stray walker that was lumbering down the street, flattening it without missing a beat. "No."
"You ever thought about it?" Negan's eyebrows waggled and Rick fought down a scowl, face itching in discomfort.
"Sometimes. I mean...before everything went sideways I did." Rick had crushes. Nothing ever came from them, but they were there.
"Well what about now? World's fucking different. Anyone ever strike your fancy?"
No. Rick barely had time to even think about such things. "I have a type." Rick replied, fingers running over the worn denim of his jeans.
"Care to share with the class?"
"I..." Rick trailed off, feeling embarrassed to be talking about this. "I always liked men that were...bigger than me."
"Bigger?" Negan's voice was incredulous and Rick realized how ridiculous he must sound.
"Yeah...I guess I like them with big hands and tall...assertive..." Rick trailed off, looking suddenly embarrassed. Shane had been large and assertive, but Rick had never really considered him in the same light he would consider his usual crushes. He turned his attention to the window, watching as more stray walkers shambled down the road. "Where-uhhh, where did you say we were going?" He tried to change the subject.
"Relax, we're just driving." Negan hummed, shooting Rick another playful smile. "...Rick Grimes has a type...who would have thought." He sighed. "Would I fit that type?" Negan was tall. All large hands and endless legs. A lifetime ago, Rick may have looked.
"I guess you would be." Rick admitted, chancing a glance at the Savior. Negan's grin seemed to widen at this. "So, you want me?" He prodded again and Negan made a noise of confirmation.
"Course I do. You can say no, Rick. Say no and we'll go back to business, no fuss from me."
"You have to know how stupid this would be of me." Rick couldn't help but speak up. "You own us, my people fear you. You killed... Glenn...Abe...It would never be on equal ground." It was something that had been bothering him since this was all first suggested to him. Where would Rick possibly stand with Negan?
"See, I figured you'd bring that up and so I decided to offer you a little incentive. I'm not gonna do anything you don't say yes to. Consent is part of the Savior Holy fuckin' Bible. One of our damn commandments. Thou shalt not rape. What kind of fuckin' God would I be if I didn't follow through." Rick wisely decided to keep his comments about Negan's wives to himself. "First off, I won't be parading you around in front of your people. Last thing I need is for them to revolt and take you out. It'll just be you and me, no worries about your people shanking you in your sleep. Second...just to show good faith, I'll cut back on tributes from every week to every other week." Rick's head jerked up at this, staring at Negan in surprise.
"You would?"
"Course I would! Perks of being with me, Rick. Give you a little incentive." Negan winked at Rick, before pulling off to the side of the road and turning the engine off. Rick watched him lean back in the seat, releasing a heavy sigh, head tipping back to look at the patched ceiling of the truck. "But seriously Rick, don't feel like you have no choice in this. I'm not gonna force you."
"That's...that's nice of you." Rick's voice felt subdued, but still surprised by what Negan was offering. It was now or never, Rick steeled himself, fingers grasping at the worn fabric of the seat as he leaned forwards towards Negan who turned towards him, for a moment, looking less like the self sure, asshole and actually confused as Rick approached. Before the older man could ask, Rick had pressed his lips against his in a quick, chaste kiss. Rick's kiss was all shyness and uncertainty and honestly, that wasn't an act. He had never been the type to show blatant physical affection, so kissing Negan was like he was in high school again and too shy to talk to that girl in Chemistry or even look at the boy in English. He pulled back quickly, mouth tingling and hands clasping together.
Was that too forward? "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He must have come off too strong, too desperate, too- "Hey." Fingers took his chin and turned his face so he met Negan's eye. Negan's smile wasn't as sharp as Rick was accustomed to seeing. There was a gentleness there that Rick hadn't expected. He remained perfectly still as Negan's hand moved up to cup his cheek.
"Now, when have you, Rick Grimes. Ever apologized to me and meant it?" Negan teased. "Come on now, you got nothing to be ashamed of." Negan's voice came out in a smooth croon, that against his better judgement, had Rick understanding why exactly his people had gravitated to him. Pretty words and charisma could go a long way. But Rick had seen the monster underneath. Negan's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde routine only solidified Rick's belief that the man needed to be taken down. That was awfully sweet, Rick." Negan continued speaking. "Are all your kisses sweet like that?"
Rick shrugged, cheeks aflame. He wouldn't be surprised if Negan could feel the heat beneath his fingertips. "Guess you'll have to wait and find out." Rick finally managed to speak up. Negan's eyes widened in surprise, a laugh breaking through as his fingers tipped Rick's chin up to meet his eyes.
"Damn, Rick. You're just full of surprises aren't you." His voice trailed off, thumb stroking under the skin beneath Rick's eye. "Is that you saying yes to my offer?" His voice dropped lower and Rick felt himself nod. Negan clicked his tongue, hand moving to hold the back of Rick's neck, fingers tangling gently in the loose curls. "I gotta hear you say it, Rick. Gotta be sure you're on board."
"I was sayin' yes to your offer," Rick confirmed. "I...I want you." Blue eyes clashed with dark brown and Negan's smile was half satisfaction, half tenderness. He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Rick's in a show of tenderness, but still managing to come off as possessive.
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you darlin'?" He crooned. Rick fought down the anxiety in his gut, staring right back at Negan.
"I thought you liked surprises." He shot back, voice soft and he was unable to keep out that edge of confrontation in his tone, but it seemed to please Negan.
"I fucking love surprises, Rick." He replied as he pulled back, turning to engine back on. "What's life these days without a bit of fun?"
Fun...
Abe and Glenn's mangled corpses laying in the dirt and Maggie's frantic, pained breathing. Was that his idea of a surprise? Was telling Rick to cut off his boy's arm his idea of a surprise? Rick leaned into his seat, suddenly feeling all his energy leave him. He stared out the windshield, watching the road ahead, wondering where all of this lying would eventually lead him.