Dies a little on the inside because I can't remember if I gave Katara and Sokka a last name already. Wishes I had my notes document and hopes that I didn't, because I couldn't find one while combing through my previous chapters. Also Yue is aged up for the sake of the plot, I really wanted to give her a role in this fic.
"Expressing your own creativity is never a waste of time, in my opinion." Exactly! Like I don't mind people who just don't have a taste for fics. But to insist that they aren't important? It's practice for writing stories that could become novels. More than that, writing (and reading) fics has helped me through depressive states and bad moods. Like you said, it helps people learn new languages! Which is something I hadn't even thought of until readers have mentioned it. Like it's one thing to read a novel to learn a new language and another to read a fic. With a fic you can ask the author if you have questions about some of the slang or the language. Which is something you can't get with books. And for that, reading fics can be funner and/or more relaxing. Fanfiction is more important than people think.
"It was such a cute idea, letting TyLee and Teo create a turtle-duck. An adorable idea to bring an aspect of the original cartoon in this modern, real world AU." Lol thanks, I like making little calls to the canon where I can. "Toph has started to tackle the issues, her blindness causes for her. You have caught her character well, in my opinion. Of cause she is angry, sad and a bit scared about her new situation, but I always see Toph as a person, who wouldn't waste too much time on wheeping." Thanks :) I feel the same about her. Despite fears, Toph is one to muscle through and keep moving forward. "That's why she also has such a dark and rough humor, in my opinion. It's her strategy to deal with problems." One of the many reasons I relate to her. Humor is sometimes the only way I can deal with certain things that have happened to me. "To find a positive or funny aspect about a bad situation is something, that helps her to make this situation lees frightening." Exactly! "And the biggest step for her will be to let go some sort of control and learn to trust Appa." It'll definitely take some adjusting. Getting used to a new pet is sometimes tricky in a normal situation.
"She starts to throw back some of the guilt and accusations, her mother had put on her." For better or for worse, she's speaking her mind. "Her mother is cutting the last connections, by taking her phone and computer and grounding her at home with no distraction left for her." I feel like sometimes parents really underestimate how taking away thing teens enjoy can hurt them. It goes beyond the material. My dad used to do this, and it's part of the reason I'm so possessive now. "But I think her father may have a chance to realize, that something is going on." Part of his problem is that he's a bit of a pushover and doesn't like to face things. "Ozai won't be pleased" lmao there are a lot of things displeasing Ozai right now. "And I also think, that Tom-Tom has recognized Mais changings." Tom has noticed, yes. But he's so little, he doesn't really understand it.
Azula dropped her suitcases by the stairwell. The manor had such a different aura than the one Ozai's took on, right down to the aromas. As opposed to sharp spices and incense, the house smelled of violet and lavender and other floral odors she didn't have names for. It smelled fresh, even approaching the last week of November. She was dropped off with a stern lecture about making the most of things, being as so many strings had to be pulled to get her there so quickly. But she was in no mood for making the most of things; not only did she have to worry about adjusting, she had to worry about the charges she was going to be pressing on Chan and Usha. Moreover, she was in a constant state of dread. Somehow he would get to her.
She knew that he would.
Ursa had money but Ozai had more of it. His lawyers would be better. They would have her sent right back to him and she didn't know how to feel about that. More than anything she craved the affection he used to give her. Even though the academically outstanding part of her screamed against it, Azula clung to the hope that she could still make things right if she could just fit herself back into the image he desired. But, lord did the prospect terrify her. He would tear her apart for the grief and struggle she was causing him now.
She stood awkwardly in the doorway, not sure if she was supposed to enter and make herself at home or if she was supposed to wait for her mother to greet her. She thought of retreating back to her car. But then, where would she go? Back to the hospital? She could pester TyLee for a place to stay, but that look became her just as poorly as binging in front of everyone had. She also couldn't imagine that her relationship with the girl had been repaired enough for that to happen. She shut the door and opted to leave her luggage where she had initially set it down for the time. She wandered further into the house, trying to get a sense of it.
There were paintings everywhere of lush scenery and sprigs of rosemary. On hallway coffee tables were vases teeming with jasmine and lily. She wondered how long it would take before she came across a picture of Zuko. But then, her mother had cut Zuko out just as readily as she had cut Azula out.
She came to the backyard veranda. The door leading out to it had lacey white curtains that fluttered in the deep autumn gusts. The garden must be magnificent in the spring. There were so many trees, she could only imagine their flare and splendor a few weeks ago-painted with the fiery hues of autumn. She could only imagine how green and rich they were months ago when the air was still hot with summer. Now they were simply dead, spindly and twisted against a stonewash sky. Dead, grey, bleak, and waiting for snow to come and re-awaken their glory. But somehow they were still beautiful, forlornly beautiful.
Azula's fingers curled around the veranda railing. It was lined with budding winter rose and amethyst ice, their vines and leaves brushed against her palm.
Ursa never stuck her as a gardener, but then, she'd never put much thought into the woman since she divorced Ozai and filed a restraining order. No thought save for wondering why the woman never bothered to reach out. Perhaps it was that she was afraid that her ex-husband would track her down through she and Zuko. It seemed logical enough, Ozai had the money and material to do so. Still she had a sneaking suspicion that she didn't want to hear from Azula.
She recalled Zuko mentioning an anonymous call or two every so often, a few months after the woman had fled, but he never picked up numbers he didn't know. After that, the calls stopped coming. She hadn't expected her mother to try to get in touch with her, she was too much like the man her mother had fled from.
Until now, she had put it out of her mind entirely, the sting of being unloved by her own mother. Now it was just another glaring failure amid the rest-perhaps it had been the first indication that she would fall and amount to nothing.
Azula reached out to touch a low hanging branch.
"There you are." Came a voice. Hearing it for the first time in years was haunting. The timbre of it was so startlingly similar to her own. "I saw your suitcases, but couldn't find you."
"I never tried to find you." Azula spat, harshly. She would love to know how much effort the authorities had put into doing so.
She heard Ursa sigh. "Can I help you carry your things to your new room?"
"Do I look helpless to you?" She grumbled. "You can tell me where my room is."
Ignoring Azula's protests, Ursa picked up two of the few suitcases and led her daughter up a few flights of stairs, to the third floor. She motioned down the hall. "I decorated three rooms for you to choose from…"
Azula's tummy fluttered at the thought that her mother had gone out of her way to do so. She fought to cling to her anger. To her dignity. "I'm sure you would have redecorated the whole house for Zu-Zu."
"Azula…"
She made her way past Ursa and dropped her suitcases into the third room. The one painted in soft shades of blue. Wallpaper trim depicting silvery and turquoise blue strands of lightning caught her eye. The room was furnished simply; there was a canopy bed draped with pastel blue organza fabric and an organized heap of silk pillows that rested atop deep blue silk sheets. Next to the bed sat a white night stand with a crystal lamp in the same shades. Off in the corner was a sizable bookshelf that probably came with the night stand. A decorative velvet rug blanketed white carpeting. She figured that the rest of the decor was up to her. "When you were little, you liked to have strings of lights hung in your room. I didn't know if you still liked those so I bought some for you just in case." She motioned to a few boxes. "You can go through those and see if you want to use any of it."
Again, Azula's stomach knots. The woman remembered what she liked as a child. Ursa was making it harder than she had anticipated, to hold her grudge. She reminded herself that the woman hadn't even tried to reach out to her.
Azula's curiosity got the best of her so she rummaged through the box some. She spied organza curtains to match the canopy as well as dark blue velvet to match the rug. Ursa was giving her options. And that was only the things she had bought for this room. "I like these." She stated simply, lifting up the velvet curtains.
Ursa picked them up. "Would you mind giving me a hand?"
She didn't want to, but she didn't want to risk not having curtains either, so she picked them up and helped Ursa arrange them. That would do for the time being, she might finish adding her own style to the room later. Frankly she liked to think that this was a temporary arrangement that she didn't need to invest much time into.
WIth the curtains in place, Ursa stepped back to inspect them. When that was done she decided to inspect Azula who folded her arms over her chest. Ursa's expression dimmed and she reached an arm out. Azula swatted the had away with a curt, "don't touch me."
The woman's face darkened further. "He hurt you."
And Azula knows that she had caught a glimpse of the fading bruises Ozai had left on her cheeks.
"What did he do?"
"Nothing that you tried to protect me from."
.oOo.
Xi River Academy was very different from Wan High. From the layout to the deep scarlet and vivid gold colors. Wan High took a wolf-bat hybrid for its mascot. What Xi River had was more of a crest. A gold plate with elegantly engraved tiger lillies. If Azula were to guess she'd say that they'd simply take a tiger for an animal mascot if requested.
The campus itself was different, much more elegant. A cobblestone path led to a fine brick building with faux gold embellishments. A stark contrast to Wan High's concrete foundations. It didn't occur to her that Xi River Academy could be a private institute until she was swept up in a crowd of girls. Only girls. A female only, student body. At once, she wondered why her father had left her to a shabby public school when he could have sent her here, or at least a place like it. A two hour commute to and back would have been a hassle.
It seemed to settle more and more, that he didn't care for her as much as she though he did.
The elegance of the academy only distracted her from her fears for a brief, yet merciful, window. As soon as the awe faded, it settled in that she was in a new crowd. A crowd that had never seen her at her best. The notion that they'd only see bruised, chubby, tired eye'd version of her was more than enough reason to retreat. Even more so, knowing that this would be their first impression of her. She could bury herself in all of the make up she wanted, it wouldn't hide what she sought to cover the most. Suddenly her new uniform felt so tight and constricting. She could already feel the weight of their judging gazes-heavy and scrutinizing.
She tried not to speak with anyone and no one tried to speak with her. She opted to pass on finding her locker until after hours. The school was too large and she had a class to get to. She hadn't anything to fetch or put into her locker anyhow.
She entered the class room as quietly as she could, lingering about, trying to scope out what seat hadn't already been claimed. A poor plan in retrospect, when she found herself being the last woman standing. Her new literature teacher walked in. "You must be Azula." He noted quietly. His voice had a familiar ring to it, one that she couldn't quite place.
Has gaze was soft and inviting enough, blue eyes scanning the classroom. "It looks like you get to sit next to Zirin." With a light smile he added a very quiet, "good luck." A little louder he said, "perhaps Ms. Nishimura will pay more attention to the lessons with a stranger sitting next to her." This roused a round of chuckles.
"Or…" Zirin spoke up. "Ms. Nishimura will neglect the lessons to get to know the stranger." Another round of laughter.
"Feel free to give her a nudge or two if she becomes a pest." The man rolled his eyes. His demeanor struck Azula as familiar, just as well has his voice. Still she couldn't place where from. She turned to take her seat but he stopped her. "Before you sit, would you mind introducing yourself? Name and...hmm...something you enjoy doing in your free time and a fun fact."
Fully aware of the eyes on her, Azula muttered her name. "I used to play volleyball." It wasn't a very fun fact, but she added, "and then I broke my ribs."
"I'm sorry to hear it." Her teacher apologized.
Azula shrugged and headed for her seat. She wished that they would stop staring at her. She no longer liked being a spectacle.
"I believe you all are really going to like Azula." The teacher proclaimed. "Considering we will be taking a break from our very engaging read…" a collective groan resonated about the room, "...to go around the room and introduce ourselves."
"Hell yeah." Came a mutter from behind. "Anything to avoid reading that hell novel."
By the end of the hour her brain was loaded with names and faces she probably wouldn't remember the next day. She supposed that she'd just have to get used to them, as she would everything else. Again her new teacher stopped her as she was leaving. "Can I talk to you for a moment."
Azula frowned to herself and perhaps her dissatisfaction was apparent because he added, "don't worry, I'll give you a hall pass."
She re-entered the classroom.
"I just wanted to introduce myself, since the bell rang before I could."
Azula stood silent and waiting.
"Though I feel like I know you decently already." This, Azula didn't understand. "Katara, has mentioned you a lot." And her heart thrummed against her chest. "You are that Azula, correct?" She could already feel her grade in this class dipping.
"Depends, what did Katara say?"
The man laughed and then his face went hard. "She pointed you out a number of times on various social media, usually while crying…"
Azula let herself go numb, she was already off to a horrible start.
"Which is why I was surprised to hear that she was worried about you." He paused. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here after hours on most days."
"I don't need to talk about anything."
The man nodded. "My daughter came home crying you know…"
Azula didn't want to hear anymore, she didn't want to know how much damage she'd caused.
"...When she thought you were dead."
That wasn't where she thought he was headed and it took her aback.
"She saw that you were on my roaster and asked me to make sure you were doing alright."
Azula swallowed. "She asked about me?"
He nodded and held out his hand, "Mr. Nanouk. But feel free to call me Hakoda, everyone else does." Azula returned the handshake. "Welcome to Xi River, if you need to know anything about the school, feel free to ask. I've been working here for over ten years now."
Azula nodded. "Thank you, Mr. Nanouk, I'll keep that in mind."
She turned to leave again, halting when he called, "Oh, one more thing."
She looked back.
"Katara is having a little welcome back party for Sokka, she told me to let you know that you're invited."
Azula wondered just how many times she would be left with an optimistic but nerve-wracking flutter in her belly. The little reminders that, perhaps, she had been seeing things wrong all along-that people did care for her. They startled her and put her off guard just as much as they comforted her. She wasn't used to people being so outwardly affectionate with her. Their gentleness had her somewhat flustered, silently so. She appreciate the sentiment very well. Even still…
"I'll think about it, I have a lot going on right now."
"I can imagine." Hakoda replied.
Between all of the lawsuits and the transfer...and her mother…
Even without that baggage she wasn't exactly up for another party. It would only bring back vivid images of the night she had made up her mind that it was time for her to go. She felt obliged to add, "it's nothing personal, I'm just tired of the party scene."
.oOo.
The lunchroom was crowded, everyone was well into their routines. Everyone save for her. She was alone again and this time she didn't have a Teo. All of the tables seemed full. She tried reading faces, looking for the most inviting one. Her eyes fell upon someone who she could write off right away, she carried herself in the same way Usha did. In the same way Azula herself used to. With any luck she could just bleed herself into the background until her time at Xi River Academy was through. Unnoticed would be better than what she had at Wan High. Evidently, she was already unsure if she could manage that. She decided that she would pass on lunch today, she didn't want to make that kind of scene on her first day. She'd been eating too much at the hospital anyways.
"Hey!" She spied a waving hand. It took her a moment to realize that the display was directed at her. It was that Zirin girl. She didn't see any other options so she answered the girl's gestures. "Earlier today you mentioned that you used to play volleyball?"
"Yes." Azula replied, taking a seat.
"I just so happen to be a member of Xi River's team!" Zirin declared, "and I'd like you to meet the rest of the girls." She motioned around the table. "This is Ikue, Chinami, Shoko, and Ryoko." They were quite a variety. Ikue with her side shave and Ryoko with her black and white dye job. Chinami was a small and adorable thing, smaller in height than even she. And Azula was probably the smallest woman she knew. Shoko was a heavier girl, the kind she would have targeted before her accident. "And this is Nagako." She pointed to the most unremarkable girl of the group. She wasn't unattractive by any means, she was more or less ordinary. "She just quit the team."
"Why?"
"Eh, I get tired of doing the same thing all the time." Nagako replied. "Besides, practice ate all of my free time."
"In other words, we could use a new player." Zirin offered.
"You don't want me on your team." Azula mumbled.
"Sure we do." Zirin insisted.
"I'm no good anymore…" Azula trailed off. "I haven't played since my accident."
"That's fine, we suck anyways." Ryoko shrugged.
Chinami agreed. "Yeah, we lose pretty much every game."
"Xi River is known for our outstanding academics not our sports program." Ikue put in.
"We can all suck together." Zirin declared.
"I can't wait." Azula grumbled.
"So you'll join us then!?" Shoko asked.
Azula sighed, the more she mulled it over, the better it sounded. She supposed that joining the team would buy her at least a little more time away from her mother. That alone held an appeal. It would probably do her well to at least try to get back into things. And from the sound of it, she wouldn't have to worry about looking like a fool alone. Still, the idea of putting herself back on the court in such an out of shape state was daunting. It practically screamed for mockery. "I'll think about it. I have...things to do after class."
She certainly wasn't ready to confess that she was going to therapy. Outpatient had been the decision, with a heavy warning that if she gave even the slightest indication of self-harm she'd land herself a prolonged inpatient stay.
"What do you have to do?" Zirin asked. "Coach is usually pretty good at working around schedules.
"I'm still trying to get settled at my mother's ma...place." Azula lied, also deciding that it was probably better to leave her status out of the equation.
"I'm sure coach can work with you." Zirin said again. "I'll let her know that you might be interested."
"Don't jump the gun, Zirin! She hasn't said yes yet." Shoko spoke.
"I know, I know. I'm just going to mention it. No guarantees."
Ryoko looked to Azula, "did you forget your lunch?"
And so it began. "I did, yes."
"Want some of mine?"
"I think I can last the day." She had lasted much longer than that and she would do so again. She looked at her knuckles, the scabs had just begun to flake away and she was going to pick them again. She had to, or else she'd never see her trim figure again. She noticed that the conversation was going on without her. It seemed that way anyhow.
"So, why did you transfer to Xi River?" Chinami asked.
"I. It wasn't my choice, my brother ran away from home and the CPS got involved." She supposed that a half truth couldn't do much damage.
"I'm sorry." Chinami replied.
Azula waved her off, "we didn't get along anyways, I'm sure I'll see him again some day or another."
.oOo.
She didn't know why she was doing this to herself, but curiosity was gnawing at her. She didn't know if it would be better or worse to know exactly how much damage her hospital stay had inflicted. She searched the bathroom, finding no scale. She wondered if her mother had been informed of her diagnosis. She had to have been. Azula grimaced, now she had no way to gauge if she was on the right track. No way save for a glance in the mirror. A mirror that tells her that she had, indeed, grown even softer since her stay.
Turning away from the mirror, she stipped off her uniform and tugged on her day clothes. Clothes that fit just the same as they had before she had landed herself in the hospital. She smoothed the wrinkles out of her shirt quickly ran a comb through her hair.
"Are you sure that you don't want me to come with you for your first session?" Ursa asked.
"I'm more than capable of doing things on my own." Her grip on her car keys tightened.
"I just thought that you might want some support."
"Where was your support when I was in the hospital? Surely they told you how I got there?"
"Yes." Ursa confirmed. "I know that we...I didn't leave on the best terms with you. I was afraid that showing up would have made things worse for you."
Resentfully, Azula noted that her mother wasn't wrong. A sudden appearance from her probably would have set her off again. She found herself entirely conflicted. "You could have at least tried." It stung, in retrospect that she hadn't. Azula knew that she would have turned her away, but at least Ursa could have used an attempt as proof of care. "It wasn't worth it to you, was it? You knew that I'd turn you away so you didn't waste your time."
"Azula." Her voice is annoyingly level. A stoic demeanor so agitatedly like her own. "I didn't want to upset you."
But she had. "I'm going to be late."
Not that she was actually eager to get to her appointment.
.oOo.
It was hard to believe that her therapist wasn't completely burnt out already. Thirty minutes into their hour and a half long session and Azula hadn't said a word. They could make her attend, but they couldn't make her speak. The woman, Yue, was nice enough, but Azula had no interest in spilling to a stranger, what had taken a good while for Teo to pry out of her. The woman only knew what the other doctors did; that she refused to eat and threw it up when she finally caved. That was all she needed to know.
She had already tried asking how her first day of school was, how she was adjusting to her new home, and if it was difficult to settle in. She tried asking what had driven her to take the pills and if death was what she had really wanted. It took everything in Azula to not, shout that, of course she didn't really want to die. And then the woman was bold enough to ask if her struggle with bulimia went hand in hand with the attempt.
Each question struck Azula with more unease and fury. Fury she refused to express so openly. The woman was trying many tactics. She tried firm questioning, she tried kind questioning. She tried telling stories of other patients. She tried speaking of her own experiences. She tried returning the silence.
"You're a pretty girl, Azula." Now she was trying flattery. She was only saying it because she had to. Azula resisted the urge to correcter with an, "I was a pretty girl." She wouldn't give her the satisfaction. "Can you help me understand why you think that you need to throw up?"
Azula hated her bluntness, it made her almost uncomfortable. Evidently she didn't even know why the woman needed to ask, it was very plain to see. The woman was just taunting her, trying to coax a reaction. She wouldn't so readily give one.
"Does it have anything to do with your father? I am aware that child protective services have gotten involved in your case."
That struck a nerve. "It has nothing to do with him!" She might as well have said that it had everything to do with him. Yue's face told Azula that she knew it too.
"He put a lot of pressure on you, didn't he?"
She tried to save herself, but she probably only dug herself deeper in. "He didn't say anything I didn't agree with."
"So you put pressure on yourself too. Whose idea was it?"
"Was what?" Azula scowled, folding her hands over her chest.
"Did you make the decision to start throwing up yourself, or did your father suggest it."
She didn't like that question either. Even less, she liked the implication that she could be forced to do anything she didn't want to do. "Of course it was my idea! It was only supposed to be once or twice. I just needed to...fix myself to make the team."
"The team?"
She was saying too much. Maybe she could redirect the conversation. "I was in volleyball."
"Volleyball." Yue nodded. "A good sport. Which playing position was your favorite?"
She allowed the conversation to drift away from her disorder. "I enjoyed them all. I was good at them all." She thought for a moment. "I liked being the setter or the outside hitter the most."
Yue nodded. "I don't know that much about volleyball, would you mind telling me what those positions include?"
Azula took no issue in discussing this. Ideally she could chip away the rest of the session time.
She launched into an in depth explanation of the six positions and the game play. Doing so only took up about twenty minutes. Leaving her with a good forty-five left to kill. She tried to think of anything she may have missed. But Yue came up with something faster.
"So you started throwing up to get yourself back in shape for the team? You wanted fast results, correct?"
Azula groaned to herself. "Yes."
"Understandable." Yue replied. "But have you seen any changes since you started?"
At first she was inclined to fess up and say no. She would have rather said no instead of coming to the dreadful realization that, if anything, she had seen her weight go up. She shifted uncomfortably. Another mistake, Yue picked up on the motion quickly. She loathed her for it, she was just as good with mind games and reading people as Azula herself. She was going to have to tread with more care.
"You've probably seen an increase haven't you?"
Azula remained silent, but at this point, even that spoke volumes.
Yue's face hardened and Azula knew that she was done playing nice. Kindness, hadn't worked up to that point. "Throwing up doesn't get rid of all of the calories, Azula. It doesn't even get rid of most of them."
Her discomfort swelled and would only continue to do so as Yue kept speaking.
"You do realize that there have been many studies to show that a good number of bulimics reach their highest weights during the cycle." She paused to let it settle, drawing the quiet out for a good while. "Purging is only an illusion. It makes you feel like you're preventing something, but that isn't the case. Is it, Azula?"
She felt her cheeks color. The facts that Yue laid out, leave her feeling naked and helpless. She wondered if coming here was a good idea at all. It certainly didn't feel like it. Perhaps Yue really wanted to set things in stone because she continued. "Your doctors wouldn't release any details of your stay. But I imagine that, at some point, your hands must have been swollen. Maybe your ankles and your jaw too. Do you know why this is?"
Azula shook her head.
"It happens because your constant vomiting leaves you dehydrated. Your body is trying to cling to the water it has." She paused again, leaving it to turn in Azula's mind. "Your throat hurts, doesn't it."
"Not as-not that badly." Her unease was making her speech less careful.
"Not as much lately? Do you think that, that could be because you haven't thrown up recently."
She did, but she wouldn't say it.
"It has only been a little over a week since you've last thrown up, and you're already feeling that much better for it."
Azula swallowed a lump in her throat.
"You're lucky the tooth decay hasn't begun to set in yet. And luckier still that you haven't developed any intestinal problems. Or heart problems. I'm sure that your doctor has talked with you, at least a little, about electrolytes."
Lord, was she tired of hearing about those. "Heart problems?"
"Among other things, yes. Low potassium can lead to heart problems."
And lord knew that they had tested her for that in the hospital. She stared at her arm, a faint patch of pink still decorated the area the IV had jabbed into.
"Of course, those are long-term effects. I would guess that you haven't done any permanent damage yet, but that can easily change. Do you think that you will be able to make the team with an irregular heart beat or kidney failure?"
The question answered itself.
"You wanted instant gratification. You wanted fast results. Do you like the results you've seen?"
"No."
Her head dipped.
And Yue's expression softened. "Of course you don't. You're hurting yourself. Do you know what will get you fast results?"
Azula looked up.
"Exercize." Yue replied simply. "You enjoyed volleyball, you still enjoy it, right?"
"I think."
"Pick up the ball again." Yue replied. "And if you still like the game, then weight loss should come very easily and naturally to you. From the sound of it, you have a very natural talent."
"But I'm hungry all the time." She couldn't imagine that, that would do her any favors.
"That's what happens when you restrict your diet. You start to think of what you can't have, you hold off and hold off until you can't take it anymore. And then when you do eat, you eat to make up for days of not eating anything at all."
It seemed so simple, she feels like a fool for not thinking of it on her own.
"You've gotten into a habit, Azula. The sooner you break it, the easier things will be."
"But-"
Yue left her with no room for that. "Right now you're going to have to rip the band-aid. Typically I go easier on patients, but I feel like babying won't work on you, will it? I don't think you want to be babied."
"I don't." She agreed.
"So I will be blunt with you."
She didn't want any babying, but she didn't particularly want her to be so straightforward either. Yet, it was what she needed.
"I want you to start eating again. Like you used to before…"
"I broke my ribs." Azula filled in.
"I want you to start eating like you did before you broke your ribs."
It sounded easy enough. It should have been easy. "If I do, I'll just..." Azula trailed off.
She didn't need to finish for Yue to gauge the direction. She'd probably seen it dozens upon dozens of times. " You've thrown your body into starvation mode. Right now it is going to cling to everything you put in it. So yes, you're right, you probably will see another increase in your weight." At least she wasn't sugar coating. "Eventually your body will get used to a healthier diet and you'll level out again. After that, it gets easier-you'll start to see the drop you'd like."
Azula's fingers tighten over her kneecaps.
"I'm willing to say that if you stick to a regular volleyball and workout routine, the gain will be minimal, perhaps it won't happen at all."
She didn't know if she believed that.
"I promise you that if you go back to the very basics, a healthy diet and regular exercise, you'll see much faster results than throwing up will ever get you." She paused. "So, let me ask. How do you want to do this? Do you want to take baby steps or do you want to rip the band-aid."
"I want to rip the band-aid."
Yue nodded. "If that doesn't work then we'll have to take baby steps."
"Fair."
"Alright then." Yue clapped her hands together. "We're running short on time so I'm going to take you through this quickly. I'd like you to join the volleyball team again. Start slow if you have to. I'd also like you to follow a diet plan…"
.oOo.
It was a lot to absorb and that was only their first session. But she had requested tough love. Apparently their next session was going to focus wholly on re-learning nutrition facts. She supposed that, that wouldn't sting too much, it would do her well to have a more concrete understanding of such. The only thing she had going for her was that she didn't have the burden of stress-related eating habits.
She fell upon her mattress. It was hard enough handing Ursa, of all people, that night's meal plan. Granted the woman was in ass kissing mode and eagerly accepted the task of cooking it. Azula rubbed her hands over her face. She was completely unready to face another possible spike in her weight. She was frustrated to the point of misty eyes. She could smell the crisp of chicken, it met her nose so invitingly. Her empty stomach yearned for it. Habit alone left her feeling disgusting for craving it so badly. She sighed, it was going to be a tedious task to sort out what a normal food craving felt like verses the impulsive uncontrollable desire.
Apparently, that was going to be a topic of discussion in the next session as well.
Azula loathed to admit it, but she wanted to see Yue again. The woman was firm with her in a way that didn't leave her feeling ashamed of herself. She was forceful but she left the final decision with Azula. The woman could talk all she wanted about eating well, but at the end of the day it was on Azula to follow through. "You can make me empty promises if you want. At the end of the day you're only going to hurt yourself. No matter what you choose to do with this diet plan, I'm going to go home, watch some Netflix, and pet my cats."
But something told her that it would hit Yue hard if Azula fell deeper into her disorder.
Ursa shouted up that the food was ready.
And Azula felt absolutely ridiculous; she shouldn't feel this nervous about a simple dinner. The kind she used to eat without issue. That's what she clung to as she ate her share. That she wasn't over doing it, that this was normal. That this was the amount everyone else ate, a decent cut of chicken with a side of corn and a glass of orange juice.
With an empty plate, she pushed her chair in. She headed back to her room with an impulse to purge. She halted in front of the bathroom and forced herself past it. She attempted to turn her thoughts elsewhere. So she opted to text Teo and TyLee about her first day. And she let Katara know that she was still deciding if she was up for a party.
The window between their texts left her with too much time to think. So she stood up again, picking a fight with Ursa ought to do the trick.
She wouldn't have done it if she knew her mother was going to just stand and listen. Stand listen, and sometimes agree.
She threw accusation after accusation. "You never loved me.", "You were selfish." "You left us behind." The woman would occasionally flinch. "You didn't even try to contact us."
"I was selfish." She agreed, after Azula's onslaught. "And I was afraid. I was afraid of your father…"
"You were afraid of me." Azula muttered.
Ursa drew in a sharp breath. "You're a lot like your father. The way you talked to your brother…" She trailed off. "I was afraid of you, yes." The confession was like a slap in the face. "But I still loved you then. And I still love you now." She laughed to herself and Azula couldn't fathom why. "I can't believe it took me so long to realize that you're more like me than him. Believe it or not, I have some fire too, Azula."
Azula furrowed her brows. "Then why didn't you try to talk to me?"
"I did. You had me blocked. Every time I found your number, you blocked me again."
The confusion Azula's her face so closely resembled Ursa's expression. Because she swore to God, that she had done nothing of the sort. She hadn't even blocked Chan and Usha. Much less her own mother.
"I don't know why I didn't take you and Zuko with me. It was bad enough hearing that Zuko was in rehab."
Azula couldn't tell if Ursa was talking to her still or if the woman was musing to herself.
"And then I find out that you were in the hospital. And with bulimia...what was he doing to the two of you?"
It truly settled in, how dire the situation was. What had he done to her?
"I should have stolen you both away."
"Then why didn't you?"
"I had no money. It was all his, I lost everything in that divorce court. And they weren't going to award two children to a mother who couldn't even feed herself."
Azula stole a look around the manor.
"I worked really hard and got really lucky" Ursa noted her glance. "I've been working on a novel since I met your father. It just so happened to gain a large following overseas…"
She could fill in the rest.
"It had a movie adaption. It should be released here, some time this year."
"Why didn't you come find us then?"
"I thought that you were happy with Ozai."
"I was…"
"Until he wasn't happy with you." Ursa filled in. "That's how it is with that man." Before Azula knew it, she was in Ursa's arms, the woman running her hands over her hair. It was such a stark contrast to Ozai's coldness.
Azula fought to hold onto her resentment.