Chapter 26 of Year 4: Fight or Fall

James couldn't think. He had stopped thinking hours ago. Or had it really only been five minutes? Regardless, now that he was actually trying to think he couldn't. He felt a tight grasp around his hand and a tugging against the muscles in his arm. He realised that he was pulling Sirius to his feet.

The Slytherins stood staring at them. Mulciber, Avery, and some other bastard he had never bothered to learn the name of stood like they weren't quite sure what to do.

"What are you staring at?" James didn't mean to yell. He also didn't mean for his hands to shake and his legs to feel so weak but they did. "Get outta here!"

"Why should we Potty?" sneered the one James didn't know the name of. His face was now so ingrained into his retinas, he didn't think it would take long to learn his name. Avery and Mulciber slowly stepped in opposite directions, forming yet another circle this time intent on trapping him and Sirius together, a mistake that would end poorly for them.

"How would you like to wear your guts as a garter belt?" Sirius asked conversationally, he might have been asking how they liked their tea.

The unnamed one scoffed, shared a look with his cohorts, then slinked off without another word.

"What a bunch of creeps," Sirius said, snarling at the place their heels had disappeared.

Sirius was looking at him. James saw it but he couldn't understand it.

"Where's Peter?" he asked, finally.

"We separated," James heard himself say. Do out of body experiences usually last this long? He could feel himself slowly coming to. He knew why he and Peter had separated. They were looking for a hidden entrance into the party. "He's got the niffler. He's probably let it go by now."

That sounded about right. Five minutes was plenty of time to get the job done. He didn't know why he had the phrase "less than five minutes" stuck in his head.

"We need to find him," Sirius said. He didn't sound concerned, scared, or even angry and for that James was grateful.

"Snap out of it, man!" Sirius was shaking his shoulder roughly. James inhaled deeply. Apparently, he had been holding his breath. His right hand felt stiff. He tried to move it but the action only sent a jolt of pain through his arm.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm awake." He hadn't been asleep, but awake seemed like the proper word to use here. At least he could think again. "Let's go find Peter."

James stepped around Rosier, another unknown… and Abbot. Abbot was back in school and had joined the Slytherin gang of wannabe Death Eaters. He cocked his head to see if Sirius had noticed but if he had he wasn't giving off any signs. Maybe he was waiting until they were alone so they could talk freely or maybe he wasn't going to ask at all. Sirius was sometimes unpredictable like that. But it wouldn't make sense for Sirius not to ask. This fight affected him too now.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. His throat felt like he had swallowed something bitter and dry.

"For what?" Sirius laughed.

"I ruined things for you and Eilidh," James said, unsure of where the words came from but unable to deny the truth. One face appeared frequent and clear in his mind. "Lily."

"If Lily's got half a brain then she'll be able to tell that wasn't your fault. You're an idiot, but you're not suicidal," Sirius said. Lily was smart, smarter than most, but for some reason, James believed Sirius to be wrong this time.

The pain didn't stop even after he let his hand rest. In fact, it only served to point out his other aches. His shoulder and knees were unpleasantly sore from when he had fallen on them. His head was starting to ache; he could feel it growing like a virus from the inside out.

"Peter!" Sirius called. Peter was hurriedly forcing his way out of the door to Slughorn's party.

"Run!" Peter squeaked, lurching toward them so quickly he tripped over the hem of his robes. There was a loud, ear-splitting shriek and Sirius grinned. He grabbed Peter's arm as he ran by and pulled him back.

"We want to get caught," Sirius reminded. So they waited with their hands in their pockets, listening to the screams and clattering from within until Slughorn peaked his head out of the door. "Now we can run."

They didn't stop running when Slughorn called for them to, or when Filch and Nearly Headless Nick told them to slow down, not even when Peeves floated between their legs trying to trip them. Only when they reached the Tower and Peter keeled over did they stop. Sirius laughed and fell back onto a step.

"That was funny. Wish we had a picture of that for our wall," he said, grinning.

"Yeah, what happened? You were supposed to be in there taking the picture," Peter asked. Sirius's eyes flashed so quickly to James and back that James couldn't be sure it actually happened.

"All right, mate?" Peter wasn't good at keeping the worry out of his voice.

"I'm fine," James said defensively.

"So fine that you'd leave your wand back there?" Sirius asked, digging into his pocket and pulling out James's wand. He remembered now, he had dropped it when he was knocked down. "No one would think any less of you for going to see Pomfrey. It was seven against one."

"I'm fine," James repeated firmly. He wasn't fine. Waves of pain shot through him so frequently it was hard to tell where one ended and another began, every joint felt like they were hanging on by a thread, and his right hand was at least bruised but more probably broken. His head was pulsing and his vision was blurred.

"You should listen to your friends," the Fat Lady spoke wisely. He should listen to his friends but he was too stubborn or stupid or both to do anything that was good for him at the moment.

"Wattlebird," James said as the portrait swung open muttering about how no one ever listened to her. James had thought that he had used up all of his fear tonight but then she had to reach to the common room before him.

Lily Evans laid stretched out on the couch with her bare feet propped up on the armrest, her painted toes wiggling freely, her matching fingernails pinching the bridge of her nose with her other hand thrumming against her stomach. Her eyes were closed and she hadn't realised he had come in yet.

"All right, Evans?" Sirius asked, brightly. Perhaps he was trying to prove he had been right earlier. Whatever his reason it was a stupid one.

Lily's lips always seemed somehow fuller when she was angry. Her cheeks flushed, her eyes sparkled brightly, dangerously. Her hair had fallen loose from its previous updo in a kind of dishevelment that took James's breath away and pierced his chest.

"I trusted you," she said in a low voice full of terrifying emotion. Every one of her muscles were tense, even her hands were clawed as she waved them about. "I trusted you. I actually trusted you and you…" Lily breathed heavily, staring at him, waiting for something. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

The only thing James could think to say was 'please don't cry' but the request would very likely end in her throwing her shoes at his head.

"What would you like me to say?" he asked. She hadn't asked any questions, all she said was that she trusted him. He knew that; he had enjoyed it and he hadn't done anything to break it, but she wasn't going to listen, not when Snape got to her first and the image of him beating Snape to the ground was so fresh in her memory.

"It wasn't his fault," Peter said quietly, even though he hadn't been there. James felt a twitch of a smile but it was gone in an instant.

"How do you know? You didn't see and I doubt you asked those Slytherins!" Lily yelled at Peter then her eyes shifted back to James. "Fact is you hate Severus. Always have, always will, doesn't matter if we're friends or not."

James shrugged. He saw no reason to deny this. He hated the slimy, oily, git point blank. Lily laughed but it was a horrible, hurt sort of laugh.

"I can't believe I was actually friends with you. Biggest mistake I could have ever made!" She sounded shrill now, almost hysterical.

"It wasn't a mistake," James said. An intense feeling had crept up inside James: He wanted to grab her, to make her see, to make her know just as well as he did that this hadn't been a mistake.

"What's going on?" Eilidh had stepped out from behind James. She cast a look of concern upon everyone else in the room, a panic-stricken one on Sirius, then Lily, and back to James - this look was angry and she didn't even know what happened yet.

"Prove it," Lily hissed. "Maybe then you won't look like such a psychopath but just a spoiled little brat who needs to make everyone else feel small in order to feel significant."

"You wanna see a psychopath, look at your boy-toy!" James snarled.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lily screamed.

"It means that you're a -"

Sirius pulled James back by his elbow, forcing him to break eye contact with Lily, uttering a quiet, "James, don't."

The spell was broken, his words were lost, and he couldn't remember why he had been angry with Lily.

"No, say it! Tell me what you mean!" Lily demanded.

James couldn't say it. He couldn't believe the word had crossed his mind while looking at Lily let alone formed on his tongue. He felt immensely grateful for Sirius at the moment.

"You're blind. You can't see what Snape is," James said calmly, which was a lot easier to do now all the emotion was drained out of him.

"Like you're such a saint. And I'm blind? You can't even see past your -" Lily finished her sentence with an angry groan. "I'm done." She turned on the spot, threw her hands up in the air, and stomped to the girls' dormitories. "I'm just done."

James believed it. From now on he was going to be nothing more to her than Potter - the psychopathic, spoiled brat who bullies people just to feel good about himself.

"What the hell?" Eilidh hissed from somewhere behind him. He found that he couldn't turn around, his eyes were glued to the girls' dormitory steps.

"Just come on," Sirius grumbled and pulled James by a fist full of his shirt toward the boys' dormitory.

******Once again, I'm sorry Lily fans.

I'm going to be a bit unreliable for... well a while. Life's a bitch who likes to get in the way of what you really want to do. Thanks for sticking with me, it means a lot.

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Until next time,

XO*******