Story: It Is What It Is, Chapter 20
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.
There will be one more part to "Decide For Yourself".
It can be assumed in my book that the Sherlock Holmes novels existed in this world(Or at least I'm going to have it that way, hope you all don't mind), but revolved more around alchemy than just the normal stuff in the novels, at least if we go by the logic that the FMA world is based on our own world, just that it's kind of what it would have been if we had alchemy and stuff. Or SOMETHING like that.
I know it seems like I shorthanded the potential between Roy and Ed in this, but I have plans for later, so don't worry.
Also, ROYAI scene ahead. BUT also a trigger warning for mention of past sexual assault. (Based entirely off of one of my own personal experiences, so please try to bare with me, or hate me as you all probably will)
Sorry this turned out more about Riza and Roy... But the next chapter will be all about Ed, as I have something very special prepared hurhurhur. (And there will be more bonding on Ling's and Ed's part next chapter. This just kind of shows the brief beginning of their blooming friendship.
I really hope y'all don't hate me for this shit. I'm probably going to lose so many followers for this... Sexual assault is a traumatizing thing, and unfortunately, women were so few and far between back then. As a result, they get targeted. Furthermore, rape happens very often in the military. It won't be explicit or anything, but I am basing it off of one of my own experiences(I say that a lot, but I've BEEN through a lot, so this whole story is very personal to me..). IF YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH RIZA HAVING DEALT WITH IT IN THE PAST AND ROY WANTING TO SLAUGHTER THE PERSON WHO DID IT TO HER, JUST LET ME KNOW, PLEASE. I will take it out.
Replies to Reviews
KittyKatz009 said: I really like how Riza and Al let Ling take charge of this conversation. With a new perspective maybe Ed can start to heal. I did also like the distrust in Ed towards the beginning. He doesn't really know Ling all too well, so why would he not be suspicious of Al telling him? Great job!
Yes, Ling's words will definitely help Edward towards the road to recovery. And I would have a hard time trusting Ling at first too, so I thought that was a realistic route.
…
"So, if you don't mind, I'd like to know why you cut yourself..." Ling managed to ask after a long silence had filled the room. Everybody seemed to be looking at him expectantly
Edward was quiet for a moment, trying to think of some way to put it. Before, he thought it was a distraction, but now he wasn't so sure.
"It helps me..." Edward murmured the same thing he had said to Alphonse... He didn't feel comfortable with so many people watching him.
"Be more specific, Ed. How does it help you?" Ling probed.
"I don't know, okay?..." Edward muttered. He really couldn't think. Didn't want to discuss this.
"Do you get a rush when you do it?" Ling wanted to know.
"Yeah." Edward nodded, finding that much easy to answer. "And it's intoxicating. It's like... what I can't let out through crying or whatever, I can let out through the blood."
"Hm..." Ling thought about it for a second. "I had initially thought of meditation, but for the time being, if the color and stimulation is what satisfies you, why don't you try using a red pen on your skin...?"
"Yes, I read about that in a book, Brother." Alphonse interjected. "Although it was a marker, I imagine it will be just as good as a marker..."
As long as Ed doesn't transmute the pen into something sharper...
Edward was clearly skeptical, but caved. "Yeah, I doubt it'll help, but I can try."
...
Over the course of the next few weeks, Edward had surprisingly found the suggestion of the red pen to help some, and he also seemed to like having his hair braided and played with, at least when the urges weren't as bad. Ling had came over occasionally to check up on Edward(and get free meals, of course). Even if it was a short amount of time, Edward found himself becoming rather attached to Ling.
Roy was, of course, a little suspicious by how close they were getting, seeing as he was a foreigner with possible ulterior motives, but Riza scolded him and was just glad that Edward was making a friend.
...
"Hey, Ed, do you ever read anything besides Alchemy books?" Ling randomly asked Edward one day.
"Hm?" Edward was a bit taken aback by the question, but he decided to answer. "Oh, well, I kind of like sci-fi and detective novels."
"Detective? Oh, have you ever heard of Sherlock?" Ling wanted to know.
"Yeah, but the books are nothing that great." Edward said. Of course, that was a lie. But something in him was just wanting to be cynical. He didn't want to grow any more attached to Ling than he already had. And books were a sure-fire way some people could bond.
"Well, that's a little disappointing." Ling said, making Edward feel somewhat guilty. "I always thought they were good. Back in Xing, there was a lot of censorship and banning of books from other countries, so I didn't really have access to many books other than political propaganda, since my father had control over what I was even allowed to read. Fortunately some relatives of mine smuggled them in for me."
In reality, Ling knew his relatives from the rival clans had only provided the books to him to try and corrupt him, and in hopes of later outing him having those books to the Emperor. However, Ling had been smart enough to hide them well and immediately get rid of the books once he was done reading them.
"I actually really enjoy reading fiction when I can. It's like an escape, to be able be a part of a different world, and to even be able to experience happiness and different emotions through somebody else's story... I think it's amazing..."
After hearing Ling's story, Edward caved in, giving a small blush and averting his gaze. "Yeah, I lied, okay? The Sherlock novels were pretty good."
"Aren't they, though? It's fascinating how Sherlock is able to put together crimes with the smallest of clues. Clues that are so obvious, but yet nobody notices them! Oh, man, Sherlock is a genius! Although John puts up with a lot because of him too, I almost feel bad for him. Say, what was your favorite book?"
Why did Ling have to be so enthusiastic like Hughes at times...?
"Probably "A Study In Scarlet" or "The Adventure of the Final Problem", I guess...?"
At the mention of "A Study in Scarlet", Edward suddenly began to think about the Taxi driver, and how his actions mirrored that of Gerhard, Kanon's father, with the forced suicide and several other aspects.
"Those are good too. But I kind of like "The Sign of Four" and "The Valley of Fear"..." Ling said.
"Yeah, "A Sign of Four" is definitely a good one..." Edward said absentmindedly.
Could Gerhard have possibly been trying to imitate the killer from that book, or was it just a coincidence? Either way, the guy was a nut. He supposed it didn't matter.
"Maybe you should try reading more fiction, Ed. It helped me." Ling suggested yet another coping mechanism.
"Yeah, maybe." Edward smiled a bit, even though he had next to intention of actually considering it. It couldn't possibly help him any more than the pen had, which was only so much. Besides, any reading he did needed to be about alchemy, in hopes of finding a way to get Alphonse his body back.
...
At some point, however, the urges began to get worse. Between Roy and especially Riza and Alphonse constantly asking to check his arms, not to mention his guilt over Hughes becoming more pressing when around Roy, he felt suffocated. Heck, he could hardly even use the bathroom alone without everybody being paranoid he was going to cut himself again.
For that matter, it only made him want to...
He wanted more than anything to open up to somebody about the temptations and urges, but Ling was right, the urges would never completely go away, and he didn't want to be selfish, so what was point?
...
"Still not sleeping...?"
Riza looked up over at Roy who was standing by her bedroom door.
"I can't..." Riza murmured. She was sitting on her bed. "I've tried, Roy..."
This was the same thing that had happened back when Roy was both cutting and burning himself. She had lost sleep, wasn't able to function as well as she used to.
"But the thought of what could happen if you left him alone terrifies you, right?" Roy tried to guess her thoughts. "Look, I think you should try to avoid worrying so much. He may be a kid, but he's a lot stronger than we've been giving him credit for. And if we keep pushing him like this, he might really do something..."
Riza, with weary and sleep-deprived eyes gawked at him incredulously. "...What are you saying? He nearly died. How can I not worry? And do you honestly believe we should just leave him to his own devises so soon after-" Riza started to ask, but was cut off by Roy.
"No, calm down, Lieutenant. I'm not saying that at all. Everybody is worried about him, just as they have a right to be, but you've been obsessing over this, to the point you haven't had any sleep, and Ed is clearly becoming suffocated." Roy said.
Riza thought about it for a long time. I don't want to admit it, but Ed's well-being is at stake... I can't keep stressing him out like this...
"...I guess you're right... It's odd... You really do sound like Brigadier General Hughes at times..." Riza said, deep in thought.
"Really...? Yeah, I guess he rubbed off on me a bit, huh...?" Roy smirked sadly. "Anyway, try to get some rest, Lieutenant. You'll need it."
"Please, Roy, promise me you'll look after Ed for me while I'm asleep, and don't let him do anything reckless."
"You didn't have to ask."
...
Blood.
There were corpses and blood everywhere.
Corpses of children.
Corpses of Ishvalans.
Even corpses of their own soldiers.
Everything was either on fire or destroyed.
The sound of gunfire, screaming and crying was all that could be heard.
The smell of smoke and death had filled the air.
Her eyes were lifeless, her finger was tired of pulling the trigger, but she continued to shoot. Over and over and over again. After all, it was orders. And on this battlefield, it was kill or be killed.
But when would it stop? Would it ever?
Her hands. They would forever be stained.
The gun. It was such a powerful and deadly weapon. Practically a double edged sword. For every time she took another life, it felt almost like she was taking a part of her own life with her.
When would it end?
"Lieutenant, hey, are you okay?"
She paid the voice no mind at first. Somebody else must have got hurt, or killed, one, she simply assumed.
She just wanted it to stop completely. This endless cycle of meaningless slaughter. The cries of children as their parents were killed in front of them.
The feeling of just wanting to-
"Lieutenant, wake up."
Riza's eyes opened with a jolt, before she looked up at Roy, who was gazing down at her in concern.
"Colonel…" she mumbled, the tears spilling from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just..."
"Was remembering Ishval, right...?" Roy said, wiping some of the tears from her face. The scars on his arm were somehow visible, even in the dark.
"...Yes…" Riza murmured, looking away.
"I should be the one apologizing, you know…" Roy said, averting his gaze.
"For what?" Riza raised an eyebrow, reverting her attention to him. Why is he apologizing?
"If it weren't for me leading you into the military, you would have never…" Roy couldn't finish his sentence.
Riza was silent for a moment before speaking. "...I accepted things long ago, Roy. You didn't make me do anything. I joined for the same reason you did, because I wanted to improve the system from the inside. And now… there's nothing we can do but move forward. You and I both know that..."
Roy didn't say anything in return, but was clearly deep in thought. Riza looked down at his arms. In the dim lighting of the moon, multiple scars could be made out, from burns to cuts. "...Your arms are bare... Are you okay with not wearing long sleeves...?"
"Well, there's no need to hide them with you, is there? After all, you already know about it…" Roy murmured.
"Yes, I suppose that's true." Riza could tell, however. She could tell that Roy was, in reality, testing to see if Riza felt comfortable being around him with his scars visible. She sat up next to him, preparing to say something when Roy spoke first.
"Tell me… What do you see when you look at them?" He asked in a low voice, not entirely certain what he was expecting her to say in response.
Riza was taken aback by the question, but took his hands, smiling softly at him.
"...I just see you." she said. It was at that moment that their eyes met. Roy suddenly found her and her messy hair more astounding than ever, her alluring brown eyes reflecting the moonlight. The temptation to kiss her and the insecurity he'd been feeling suddenly became too much to bare, and without thinking, he leaned forward, meeting her lips with his. Riza was taken aback at first but didn't push him away. She offered him entrance and returned the kiss in full, reaching up to wrap her arms around him.
He pulled her closer, both of them soaking in the warmth they so desperately needed from each other, as he began to slide a hand up her loosely hanging shirt, completely lost in the passionate oscillation. However, it didn't last long.
"Don't…" Riza snapped him out of his trance, pulling away, a conflicted look on her face.
Roy suddenly felt worse than ever. How could he lose control like that? If the higher ups had found, he would have been in so much trouble, and Riza would have been taken away from him. "Sorry… I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what came over me..."
"No, it's not you..." Riza said, looking away.
"Wait, what do you...?" Roy looked up at her, but she didn't respond instead turning away almost as if she was guilty of something. Suddenly the realization sunk in and Roy was beside himself. "Oh god..., Riza, did somebody... hurt you?"
The word 'rape' or 'assault' wouldn't come out. They were too painful to say.
Riza was silent for a long time. "It was years ago... They had taken my gun and everything, so I didn't really know how to react at the time. But it's not important now."
Roy disagreed entirely, especially since she was clearly affected by it still. 'They'... There were more than one?!
"I'm so sorry..." Roy choked out, pulling her into an embrace.
The thought that somebody had even dared to lay their hand on one of his own precious subordinates, let alone Riza, regardless of how far it had got, filled him to the brim with rage. But he had to stay calm, for her.
"Why are you apologizing...? It's okay now..." Riza insisted.
Roy shook his head. "No, it's not. I should have known something, but I didn't."
"That's not your fault, Roy." Riza said, "I kept it from everybody because I felt it was just much easier to avoid discussing it."
"That's just like you..." Roy murmured, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. More than anything, he wanted to know who had done it to her, but he knew she was not ready to discuss it, so he decided to leave it for now. However, he wanted her to know that he was there for her. "I know it probably won't mean a lot, but if you ever need to talk... I'm here for you..."
Riza almost seemed to smile. "Thank you, sir..."
- End of Chapter
...
A/N: I hope that turned out okay, for the people who weren't scared off. Next chapter will be a special one!