OOC: Formatting on this site is shit, so if you want to read this chapter like it's supposed to be, check out the story on Ao3 under the same name and author.
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/MEMORY REPLAY: AUDIO ONLY
-/-/- BEGIN AUDIO SENSORY SIMULATION
I'm on the floor.
*gunshot*
"Connor!".
There's blood all around me.
It's my own.
*gunshot*
Derik.
He shot me.
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
Blood.
So much blood.
"Connor!"
Dad...
Hank
"Don't... don't fucking do this to me. Die and I'll never fucking forgive you, you plastic asshole!".
Wake up...
Hank?
RA9 SAVE US
Death...
I can feel it coming...
Dad?
Wake Up
Who am I?
Wake Up
Wake Up
The scrappers...
RA9 SAVE US
Hank!?
WAKE UP!
I jolt awake, a scream stuck in my throat as I open my eyes and find my vision is obscured by multiple warning signs. My thirium pump is pounding hard, making my pulse way faster than in needs to be, and the sensation makes my hands feel almost numb. I gasp a little and sit up, feeling as if I can't get any air, even though I technically don't need it… it's just something I do that makes me seem more alive. It makes me feel alive.
I am alive.
I take a breath in and swallow, waiting for my stress levels to return to normal before finally blinking a few times to swat away the warning signs that block out my vision. As I go to lift my arm, I wince as pain shoots all through the appendage and spreads halfway up my shoulder. A small pathetic whimper escapes my lips as I move my hand up to arm, feeling the smooth metal under the rough fabric of my shirt.
Oh… god.
It wasn't a dream.
Yesterday… all that actually happened.
The scrappers...
The van escape...
The negotiation…
Dying…
I swallow the lump in my throat.
The negotiation really did fail and I really did get shot.
I… remember lying on the floor, a hole in my stomach.
Hank was there beside me, holding me as I bled out.
He was crying…
I…
Hank, he...
"Don't... don't fucking do this to me. Die and I'll never fucking forgive you, you plastic asshole!".
I shut my eyes and whimper, the words leaving a physical sting in my chest. Grabbing a handful of my shirt, I clench my hand into a fist and choke on a sob. He… he couldn't have meant that, right? He said it because he was scared I wouldn't come back… right? Frankly, I didn't know I could come back without being returned to my 'machine state' but here I am.
A deviant…
And a child.
Hank would have to forgive me… right?
It's not like I meant to get shot, I just… froze.
My LED is a solid red at this point and my stress levels are going up with each new thought that enters my head.
I take a breath.
Does… does this mean he doesn't want to be my dad anymore?
Am I even still his son?
He didn't seem to recognize me, so I assume the model I was placed in has a vastly different appearance than any currently known models.
A few tears stream down my face and I sniffle.
Maybe he doesn't know I can come back.
Maybe things will be okay.
Things will go back to normal.
So why am I still crying?
I just need to tell him what happened, tell him who I am.
WARNING STRESS LEVEL 40%
Fear
Anxiety
Panic
Hopelessness.
These are all emotions I've felt before, but now it feels as if they are amplified, becoming close to being overwhelming. I guess whatever processor this android's model has, it's has a lot fewer restrictions than my previous form had, hence giving me the temperament and mental age close to that of a child.
In other words…
I can't control them.
Deep breaths,
In... Out...
In... Out...
I need to get Hank.
Just get him, and everything will be okay.
No matter the consequences.
Slowly, I pull myself over to the side of the bed, my eyes scanning the room.
Everything is the same as when I left it, my fish tank is in the corner, Amelia, Rose, and Blaire all swimming around their tank, dodging in and out of the faux foliage.
It's normal…
Familiar.
WARNING STRESS LEVEL 42%
My feet touch the soft carpet beneath me, the sensors in my skin sending a warm tingle down my back. I set my sights on the door across the room, seeing it's been left a crack open. It's okay, Connor… it's just a few steps… it's not going to kill you.
Just get Hank, and this will all be over.
I push myself up to my feet, struggling to keep my balance despite my gyroscope is fully intact.
In... Out...
In... Out…
As I take a step, I can't stop myself from swaying dangerously, my legs feeling like they can barely support me. I flop back down on my bed roughly, sending another onslaught of warnings through my head.
Thankfully, I don't have any serious injuries that require immediate attention… at least not yet. The only thing that is overly concerned is the low thirium levels and damage to my optical unit. My arm can easily be fixed in stasis mode, which… is going to take a bit longer considering the size of the bi-component. I'm going to need to fix it soon.
Swatting the warnings away once more, I struggle to get to my feet again, so resulting in sliding down on the floor and crawling over to the door, finding this only slightly easier. It's okay, I say, despite tears overflowing from my eyes as I use the wall for support as I force myself up to my feet, reaching for the door, Hank is going to fix everything.
My hand is on the knob, ready to pull it open when a thought enters my mind.
What if he rejects you? A voice says in my head.
When this had first happened, I nearly lost it, going into a full blown panic attack in the fears that Amanda had returned to take me over. But with some help from Hank, I discovered that the voice inside my head was my conscious. I'm not sure if androids can even have a conscious, considering that (technically speaking of course) we don't have souls.
But, the voice does bring up a good point.
I doubt that would happen but...
What if Hank rejects me?
Hank isn't exactly the one to make threats and not keep them.
I sob again, sad and pitiful.
WARNING STRESS LEVELS 45%
I nearly died more than a few times during that week leading up to the revolution, and each time, Hank was just glad I'd survived. I really don't know or want to know what his reaction would be to me showing up alive and well after dying before his eyes, in his arms. How can he care for someone who can come back from the dead over and over again, when the person he loved the most died once and that was it.
Why should I live multiple times when Cole only got to live once?
Don't tell him, the voice continues.
What?
You can't tell Hank who you are…
Spare him the heartbreak…
He doesn't deserve that pain, does he?
I swallow the lump in my throat and take another breath to try and relax, cradling my injured arm. Maybe… maybe I'm right. Maybe, if I just keep quiet, Hank won't get hurt. Plus, it'd be odd for a random android he's never met before to know everything about him.
Who's to say he'd believe me in the first place?
But lying… to my dad?
Not telling him that his other son is still alive?
That's…
Wrong…
But what choice do I have?
I can't lose Hank like that...
I'm sorry, dad…
You're doing the right thing, Connor.
Trust that this is the right thing to do.
I nod again, listening to my own instinct and gut feeling.
This is the right thing to do, I tell myself, trying to believe the words are true, This is the right thing to do.
NEW OBJECTIVE ADDED:
-DON'T TELL HANK
"Okay…".
Closing my eyes, I go to pull the door open again, only to find it's not me doing the motion. Is the door opening on its own? No… someone is pushing it open… and I recognize the heavy footfalls and slobbery breathing. I find myself smiling even though I get knocked back when the large St. Barnard barges into my room
I yelp at first, the impact with the ground making my injuries scream in pain, but I ignore it, my arms immediately shooting around the large dog's neck, holding him tightly. "Hello, Sumo," I whisper, burying my face in his thick fur, "It's very nice to see you again".
The dog barks and licks me over the face, sending an odd spark of warmth through my body, almost like a laugh but… smaller.
I giggle.
"Good dog".
He simply grunts and rams his big head into my chest, licking at my tear stained cheeks.
After a moment, I hear Hank rush over to my room, calling for the do who clearly isn't supposed to be bothering me. "Goddamnit, Sumo! Get out of there! You're gonna scare the shit outta- Oh… you're awake".
I look up to see Hank standing in the doorway, his hair long and unkempt, pajamas damp with sweat. His eyes have dark circles under them, so I can tell that he hasn't had much sleep in a while.
[X] GREET
[O] TELL HANK
I swallow, and look at him, gently pushing Sumo away.
He looks the same…
Tired…
Angry…
Sad…
Lost…
Hank looks like a man who just lost his son.
He looks like one more shock could break him.
You're doing the right thing.
Don't tell Hank.
I force myself to give him a shy, timid smile.
[X] GREET
[O] TELL HANK
"Hello,".
He stares at me for a moment, looking over at Sumo who has himself laying across my small lap, "I see you've met Sumo".
I smile a little, deciding to play dumb.
"He's a big dog".
"He sure is… So uh, you had quite the night yesterday, eh?".
I nod, not really ready to remember what last night entitled.
"You okay? Your arm got a little fucked up," Hank says, gesturing to me.
I look down, getting a good look at the clothes I'm in, feeling my metaphorical stomach drop. I'm in a light grey jumpsuit with a big glowing blue triangle on the left breast pocket, the words "CYBERLIFE" written across the chest. I look filthy and ragged, spots of faded thirium staining the fabric. Why… why am I in a Cyberlife uniform? I think, trying not to panic even though my stress levels have shot up again. It looks relatively brand new, the fabric is torn and ripped, darkened from my impact with the road and the overall condition the room I was found in, but other than that it's brand new.
I take an unsteady breath and say, "I'm fine".
"Sure you are…" Hank says, using his sarcastic tone, pointing to the spot on his forehead where an LED would be, "I have some spare parts if you need 'em…".
My spare parts.
"But uh… not sure they're compatible with your model though,".
"Okay," I whisper, not even sure what model I am.
That information seems blocked to me.
An awkward moment of silence passes between us.
"So are you going to just sit there or…".
I blink, suddenly remembering that I am immobilized, and not just because Sumo is on top of me.
"I- I appear to be low on thirium…that limits my movements".
Hank chuckles, "So you're stuck?".
I nod again.
"I am".
"Heh, alright. I should have some spare thirium lying around," He says, walking up to me and shooing Sumo away, "Is it okay if I pick you up? I know some of you guys are touch sensitive or some shit".
"It's okay," I say, unintentionally reaching my hands up to him, waiting for him to lift me up, "you can pick me up".
Odd…
Child instincts are weird.
I really want to hug him right now…
"Alright, hold on tight, kid," Hank says, bending down and scooping me up.
I yelp again when he lifts me up off the ground, having never actually been picked up, or experienced anything like this. My arms go around his neck and I close my eyes at the sudden height and motion.
"Don't drop me," I mutter.
"I won't," He says, walking out of the room and over to the couch in the living room, Sumo immediately following us, barking and sniffing at my feet, "Heh, Sumo seems to like you".
I nod again.
"I like dogs".
Hank…
Hank freezes when I say that.
And I realize why.
Uh, oh...
Don't Tell Hank…
You can't let Hank know who you are!
"My sons liked dogs too," He says softly, his face betraying his feelings of hurt as he sets me down, "Do you have favorite kind of dog?".
I look down and shrug, knowing that if I say anything more, I'd just end up hurting him more. The air is silent except for Sumo's heavy breathing and playful grunts as he tries to regain my attention. Part of me wonders if he can tell that it's me inside this android's body, dogs are smart like that, or he's just being his normally friendly self.
"Not very talkative, are ya?".
I shake my head, wanting to apologize but the words refusing to leave my mouth.
"Well, I should probably introduce myself," He says, "I'm Hank, I'm a police officer, okay? I'm going to help you figure out who tried to kidnap you, but you gotta work with me. Can you tell me your name?".
It's pretty clear that I don't, considering I'm still in a newish CyberLife outfit, looking like I just rolled off the assembly line.
"Do you have a name?".
I close my eyes and sigh, not knowing what to do.
So in the end, I shake my head.
"No… I don't".
STRESS LEVELS 62%
"That's okay..." Hank says in a softer voice, noticing the shift of color in my LED, "Would you like me to give you one?".
I nod and take a ragged breath, making my hands into fists as anxiety fills my chest.
"Yes, please".
"Okay… I'm gonna get you your thirium and think of a name. Just sit here with Sumo for a while, alright? The bathroom is down the hall in case you wanna clean yourself up", Hank says gesturing down the hallway, "I don't know about clothes but I'll look for something".
I nod and breathe again.
"Okay".
"Alright…" He pats me on the shoulder and stands up, moving to the kitchen.
That's when I notice the slightest limp in his walk.
"You're limping," I say without thinking.
Hank stops.
"What?".
My face gets warm and I'm pretty sure I'm doing what humans call blushing.
I point to his leg.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," I say quickly, knowing that I'm getting dangerously close to revealing myself.
"No… no, it's fine," he says, "I just didn't think it was that noticeable".
I hold my tongue for a moment.
"What happened?".
Hank sighs sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose. " Oh Christ, I forgot how curious you fuckers are, " he whispers, looking down at me with mild annoyance, "It's from an accident a couple of years ago, okay? It's an old injury, I'm getting old and things just don't heal like they used to… Now, no more questions".
I swallow hard, seemingly holding my breath.
"Sorry,".
He groans a bit and goes back to the kitchen.
"It's fine… just, don't ask about it anymore, m'kay?".
I nod.
"Okay".
HANK
- TENSE^
I blink.
I wasn't aware of any injuries Hank had sustained from the accident with Cole, but who knows, perhaps he's right… the injury may have just presented itself after a few years of sitting dormant, almost like arthritis.
I feel my stress level shoot up another 2% when he leaves but I stay put, glad that Sumo can tell that I'm not okay. The large dog jumps up on the couch and once again licks at my face, leaving the synthetic skin covered with thick sticky saliva.
Woof
Woof!
I blink a few times and hold onto him again, feeling as tears once again spill from my eyes. This is going to be a lot harder to do that I'd originally thought. My stress level is going to go up more and more with each lie I tell, and if it gets too high, well.
I can't let that happen.
I just need to be strong.
Sumo whines a little bit when I let out an unintentional sob, hating how much more intense my emotions are now. When I was an adult, the feelings were there… they were tolerable, and most of the time, I refused to acknowledge them, now… now it's just too much.
You can do this, Connor.
Just hold on a little bit longer, and everything will be alright.
"I can do this," I mutter, turning my attention to Hank, who rummages around the kitchen, "I can do this".
Hank remains quiet while he prepares what I realize is a warm cup of thirium, something I greatly enjoyed as an adult, the beverage making me feel a little more human around the busy office at work. I keep an eye on him, happy to see that his blood alcohol level doesn't seem to have changed all that much, so he didn't get drunk last night. And his health is overall the same, telling me that he hasn't tried to bring harm to himself.
He's okay, Connor
He's fine without you…
"Once you're done with your thirium, I'm going to have to drive you down to the station, okay?" Hank says suddenly, making me jump a little, "You're going to need to make a statement about what you saw, so we can file a report. We've been trying to catch these scrappers for a while now".
"O- okay," I say, slightly confused that he's going to works considering the events of last night. But then again, Hank does have quite a few unhealthy coping mechanisms so who's to say overworking himself to deal with the pain isn't one of them. He's okay, I tell myself again, drying my eyes and keeping myself grounded by holding Sumo.
He's okay.
STRESS LEVELS 49%
After a moment, Hank returns with a mug of steaming thirium and hands it to me. "There you go, kiddo," he says, sighing as he settles into the recliner beside the couch. "My son used to love that shit," he mutters softly, his voice low and thoughtful, "Looks pretty fucking gross to me".
I look at him, a pain of guilt shooting through my chest.
You're doing the right thing, Connor.
"I like it," I say, pulling the warm blue liquid up to my lips. It's odd, I half expect to see a notification giving me the list of ingredients in the thirium once it passes over my tongue, but then I remember that I am no longer in my highly advance RK800 body. "It's really warm".
He scoffs and rolls his eyes, "Pfft, I'm sure it is. Anyways, first things first… a name,".
I nod, watching as he scratches at his scruffy beard.
"How about… Aiden?".
I scrunch up my nose, figuring it's going to be difficult taking on a new name considering I already have one.
"Uh-uh".
"Max?".
I shake my head.
"Danial?".
I sputter on my blue blood, and since I can't choke, I make a coughing sound instead, startled by the name.
"I take that as a no then…" Hank says, furrowing his eyebrows in suspicion, "Was that someone you know?".
I blink again as sigh unevenly, "I guess you can say that".
Hank stares at me again, tapping his chin.
"How about, Alex?".
"Alex?" I repeat.
Hank shrugs, "You look like an 'Alex' to me".
How I look?
I have no idea how I actually look.
It doesn't really matter, does it?
You can just reset your name…
Simple as that.
"Alex," I say again, a timid smile pulling at the edge of my lips despite the feelings unnerve that is settling in my chest. "I like it,".
STRESS LEVELS 53%
Hank nods and sits up, walking back towards my (old) room, "Alex it is then. Now, I'm going to see if I can find something for you to wear… doubt my son's old clothes will fit you".
Cole's clothes…
My old ones are far too large for my small frame….
"Okay…".
"Go on and clean yourself up. I don't think the office would much appreciate me bringing in a kid covered in his own blood, even if it is invisible to humans".
I nod again and push Sumo off my lap.
"Okay…".
Hank gives me a forced smile, his jaw, and lips drawn in a tight line.
I can tell from the dim look in his eyes how hard this is for him, and how hard he's trying to keep himself from falling apart. Interacting with children is always difficult for him, he'd tense up and become almost robotic with his emotions, like he was scared of them. Maybe he is… I know that, after what happened with Cole, Hank was never the same, and more often than not he'd let me handle cases where children were involved.
I sigh and shake my head, finishing off the cup of thirium until I replenish what I lost, now able to move again. Setting the cup on the coffee table in front of me, I slide off the couch and make my way over to the bathroom, both eager to clean myself up and see what i look like, wondering if I can decipher what model I am. "Come on, Sumo," I say, gesturing for the large dog to follow me… not exactly wanting to be alone despite being in my own (old) home.
Once I reach the small room, I flick on the light and turn towards the mirror to find that… I'm quite shorter than my previous counterpart (okay, a lot shorter), which explains why Rossco and Tony looked like giants in my eyes. My face is basically the same shape, as it is for all androids except… I have far more freckles. 215 to be exact, They're splattered across my face like drops of paint across a canvas. My hair is the same muddy brown, but without being gelled back into its usual style, it's nothing more than a dirty mop of hair.
My eyes, however, my eyes are what intrigue me the most.
They're… different colors.
Brown and Grey.
That would explain the optical damage.
Thankfully, it doesn't seem to affect my vision.
With my good arm, I reach my hand up and touch the area of my face where the synthetic skin has peeled away, revealing the porcelain white metal of my body. It's cold and smooth, slightly scratched from the impact with the road when I fell out of the van. This can easily be fixed by calibrating and calibrating my skin… which means turning it off for a few moments.
Something I haven't done before.
I never had a reason to deactivate my skin, like Markus did when he made the Stratford Tower broadcast, so… if I'm being honest, the task is slightly daunting.
STRESS LEVELS 60%
Sumo barks a little and whines, nudging my hand with a large wet nose.
"It's okay, Sumo," I mumble, "I'm just nervous".
He grunts in response and lays at my feet, looking up at me with his big caramel eyes.
Woof
Woof!
I smile at him and nod, "You're right… I can do this, I can do this".
I can do this.
With a small sigh, I move my hand up and brush over my LED which still flashes red. I press the small space between the light, watching as the skin on my face begins to fade away, leaving nothing but the shell of my body. It's jarring at first, despite having seen other androids do the same, and I can't help but gasp a little as more and more of my white interior comes into view. I shut my eyes and count the 60 seconds it takes for the skin to reset itself, almost scared to see myself… naked.
It's okay, It's okay, it's okay, I repeat.
10 seconds have gone by.
I hear Sumo whine again, shifting around on the floor.
It's okay, you're okay, It's okay.
30 seconds have gone by.
I take a few sharp and ragged breaths, each sounding more like a wheeze even though I don't need air.
40 second.
My stress is starting to build as I grip the sides of the sink, desperate to keep myself from toppling over.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
50 seconds.
STRESS LEVELS 71%
Sumo barks, and I flinch at the sudden sound, letting out a garbled sigh of relief when a notification pops up behind my eyes, telling me that the calibration is complete. "See? That was easy," I mutter to myself, releasing my death grip on the counter and opening my eyes, glad to see that the damaged skin has, for lack of a better term, healed.
I look… relatively the same, but just different enough that, at a glance, I could be mistaken for the android I used to be.
"Alex," I say to myself, "M- My name is… A- Alex".
It's wrong…
It feels wrong…
I shouldn't be doing this, I tell myself, feeling as my stress begins to skyrocket.
Lying is… harmful for androids, which is why we rarely do it. I greatly mess with our stress levels and can become hazardous to our wellbeing. It can even cause us to self-destruct if we're not careful.
I shift a little on my feet and close my eyes, knowing that if I really want this to work, if I really want my former self to be nothing but a memory, there's one thing left to do.
[Input: REQUEST NAME CHANGE]
You're doing the right thing…
This is the right thing to do.
-PLEASE STATE PREFERED NAME-
[Input: ALEX]
| CONNOR- -ALEX |
CONFIRM NAME CHANGE?
-Yes
-No
ARE YOU SURE?
-This Action Cannot Be Undone-
-YES
-NO
I take a deep breath.
[X] CANCEL
\/\/
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Name Change Cancelled
"Kid?"
I jump and open my eyes, seeing Hank at the door, holding a pile of clothes and a small box, "You good? Your LEDs still red".
"I'm fine," I say breathily.
My heart rate is far too high.
"Alright," he says, clearly not convinced, "All I have is one of my shirt and some smaller pants, but they're still gonna be pretty big on ya".
"That's fine".
Another moment of silence, all I can really hear is my heart beating in my ears.
"Can I ask you something, Alex?".
I nod and grip the counter again.
"Yeah... ".
Hank hesitates for a moment.
"Did you just... wake up?".
I blink, slightly confused.
"I woke up at approximately 6:57 am this morning,".
"Not what I meant, kid. I mean like, did you just deviate?" Hank says, gesturing to my clothes, "I haven't seen an outfit like that in a while, and I've never seen an android like you".
"O- Oh…".
What…
How do I respond to that?
I don't even know what model I am.
"I- I…".
[X] LIE
[O] TELL HANK
I swallow hard and clear my throat.
"I'm not sure…" I say, trying to relax so my LED will go back to a calm blue, "I don't… remember".
Hank sighs and nods, "Alright… don't stress about it too much, okay? You'll hurt yourself".
I simply blink, watching as he sets the clothes down on the counter beside me, leaving the room once again, this time, bringing Sumo with him.
"Get dressed," he calls back to me, "I'm running late as it is".
HANK
-SUSPICIOUS^
Once I'm sure he's gone, far enough to be out of earshot, I let out a sharp desperate exhale of breath, silently cursing at myself for not being able to calm myself down, something that was fairly easy as an adult… as an RK800.
Coin…
Where's my coin? I think, remembering how my quarter doubled as a tool to help me test my mental and physical sharpness, and as something to help lower my stress during crime scenes.
I grip the counter one more time before taking hold of the clothes and stagger back to my room, hoping to find the quarter there even though I know I'd brought it with me the day I died. Perhaps Hank kept it since it is quite a valuable memento to both me and him.
It's okay…
It's fine,
Just relax...
STRESS LEVELS 88%
Fuck,
Fuck, Fuck…
That's too high…
I need to find my coin.
I finally push my way back into my room, carefully closing the door behind me and trying not to completely lose it.
I know what this is…
A panic attack…
A bad one at that…
I can feel my hands go numb… technically the sensors on my hands become overloaded and shut off but big difference
It's okay, you're fine, okay?
Just calm down… calm down,
You don't want to self-destruct do you?
That's the last thing I want… but I need my coin, and I don't-
I take a large gasping breath again and close my eyes, telling myself to focus so I can scan the room, hoping that I'll be able to locate the coin in the mists of all my panic. There… on the dresser in its usual place (because of course is it). I grab it, bumping into the dresser and causing the fish tank to sway slightly. Amelia, Rose, and Blaire all swim frantically around, startled by the sudden movement of their otherwise stationary habitat.
"S- sorry," I mumble, sighing and flicking my coin up and down a few times as I slide to the floor, my body trembling slightly. I struggle a little, this model's physical and mental calibration techniques are much slower than the RK800s.
I flick the coin up and count to 10, taking slow, long breaths.
In... Out...
In... Out…
I roll the smooth coin over my knuckles, slowly and carefully.
In… Out…
In… Out…
I can feel my stress begin to trickle away.
In... Out...
In... Out…
STRESS LEVELS 22%
I sigh, and close my eyes again, leaning my head back against my dresser and staring up at the ceiling. There are small plastic stars that glow in the dark up there, something Cole had put up long before I'd even been created. Part of me wonders what life would be like if little Cole survived the accident… Hank would probably not have a need or want to adopt me.
I shake my head.
Now isn't the time to think about this…
Get dressed and go with Hank.
I sigh again and pick myself up off the ground, gathering the clothes I haphazardly left strewn around the floor, recognizing them immediately. The shirt is one of Hank's old DPD hoodies, one that I'd often borrow and wear for myself, it's basically a dress on me, but if I roll the sleeves up and tuck the rest into the pants (surprisingly one of my pairs) I should look… somewhat presentable, nowhere near the level of formal I'm used to.
It's just going to have to deal with it, I guess.
I take one of the belts I had hanging up behind my door and wrap it around my waist so the pants ride just above my waistline.
"Hey kid, you almost done? I kinda have an image to upkeep" Hank says at the door, knocking softly at the wood.
"C- coming!" I mumble, running a rough hand through my hair in an attempt to tame it, but it doesn't do much good so I leave it be. Before I leave, I grab my quarter that I'd left lying on the floor and place it back on the dresser, not really sure if it really belongs to me anymore. Plus I don't think Hank would much appreciate a stranger taking his son's precious keepsake.
But… I am Hank's son.
No…
No, you're not.
Connor is dead.
You're Alex
"I'm Alex" I repeat softly to myself again, feeling my LED flick red for a moment as I leave the room.
Hank is standing at the end of the hallway, staring at something on the wall before turning to me, his expression dropping immediately. I know that look, it's one he'd give me often whenever I did or said something that reminded him of Cole, but now I can't help but wonder if I remind him of Cole… or Connor. By the way, I practically swim in his too large clothes, I'd guess the latter.
"Looking good, kid," he says, avoiding my gaze with a downtrodden look on his own face, "Maybe if you're lucky, you can grow up to be a cop just like me".
I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and closes the door to my room. "I'm not sure I understand. Androids don't 'grow up', not like humans anyway. We can learn and process new information to grow intellectually, but not physically".
Hank simply scoffs, "I guess you're right about that part, but you can always just transfer yourself into another body, right? That's been a thing for a while".
I blink, utterly bewildered.
Memory transfers are reserved for RK800, not your run of the mill worker androids who can easily be destroyed and replaced… at least… that was before the revolution.
"What?".
Now it's Hank's turn to look confused.
"Alex, age transfers have been a thing for almost a year now. Christ, I'd joke and ask you if you've been living under a rock, but I think you actually have".
Almost a Year…
Almost a Year…
Almost a Year…
Those words ring in my head nearly a dozen times, but it doesn't lessen the impact. When I was alive… when Connor was alive, android rights were just barely passed, and extremely new. And we were nowhere near allowed or able for that matter, to reproduce, or… grow as Hank put it. Then, if that's the case, that would mean…
"Hank?" I say, my voice low and withdrawn, "What year is it?".
"What ye-... Kid, you literally have a computer in your head, shouldn't you know?".
I should… but after deviating I decided not to rely on programming like that, trying to … not simulate… but be more human.
After my prolonged silence, Hank sighs and begins to walk to the door, seeming too agitated to continue our conversation. "It's 2043, kiddo. Get with the fucking times".
For once I'm thankful Hank stormed off because now he can't see the look of utter terror on my face when I realize what this means.
I… I've been gone for… 3 years?
3 years.
I make an odd sound, something that's between a sob and a scream.
Both seem appropriate.
STRESS LEVEL 89%
So much for lowering it...
Sumo rushes up to me after I sink to my knees, leaning against the wall with a heavy thud and immediately tries to lick away the tears that seemingly pour from my eyes in a continuous stream.
I'm crying…
Again…
I hate this, I hate this so much. I don't like feeling this way, and it's made worse by the fact that my emotions are a lot more intense and uncontrollable as a child.
I hug Sumo tightly, trying to simultaneously accept and deny the reality presented before me. "Oh, god, Sumo," I whine, gasping for air I don't need, "oh god".
I've been dead for 3 years.
I've been in limbo for 3 years.
That would explain the nothingness I experienced after death and the sensation of no time passing. And while I hate to even admit I'm relieved to see that Hank is still here, alive... and working for that matter. From his actions when we were first introduced, I'm honestly surprised he'd lasted this long after my death, but there's no way of knowing if there were any… attempts.
"I'm so sorry, Dad" I mumble pathetically, my mind obsessing over the fact that I may never know the full extent of pain I put him through.
You did that to him, Connor
You broke him
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I cry, Sumo continuing to tolerate my incessant crying.
I only stop when I hear Hank blare the horn of his car a few minutes later, alerting me to, as he would put it 'hurry the fuck up'. Gasping for a simulated breath, I hug Sumo one more time before pulling myself away with great reluctance. "I'm so sorry," I repeat, kissing him softly on the snout, "I should have been more careful. Now, look what I've done".
The dog whines and gives me a small lick on the hand, before nudging it with his head and woofing softly. With a rather shaky hand, I pet him, forcing myself to my feet even though I feel like the room is spinning again.
I stumble down the hallway to the point where Hank was staring at something on the wall, or… the lack thereof. There's a faded outline where a picture frame should be and it takes all my strength to move past it and try not to think about why said frame is missing. Just go with Hank, I scold, pushing my way through the door, my standard Cyberlife issue shoes making a crunching sound as I step on the snow on the porch, It doesn't matter why it's gone. You're not him anymore.
Continuing to take small gasping breaths as a method to get my stress level back down, I close and lock the front door, hearing Sumo shuffle behind it. I wish will all my heart that I could reassure him that I'd be back, but I don't know what's going to happen to me since it's clear Hank isn't looking for yet another surrogate son. "Bye, boy," I say, shuffling over to the car.
I'm surprised to see it's not his old junker, but a new self-driving one, something that Hank would always express his passionate hatred for the thing. I guess his car finally broke down and had to be replaced, and who knows how long ago that was. So, without a word, I step into the back of the car, wiping at the last bit of my tears away and hope that Hank doesn't notice them… but of course, he does because my LED is still flashing a deep red.
He turns around to look at me, his gaze softening immediately, "H- hey, Kid. I didn't mean to make you cry... I'm just a grumpy old man, alright? I'm all bark and no bite".
I sniffle again and nod, knowing better than anyone that Hank is a big softy at heart and he really is trying his best to do the right thing and be there for the right people (and androids). But to know that I'm putting him through all this pain again, makes me feel worse and leaves a heavy looming sensation in my chest.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a burned" I mumble behind more tears, "I don't mean it".
"Woah, woah... none of that shit. Listen, where ever you came from before this, you're safe now okay? You're not a burden, understand?".
I don't say anything, feeling a cold wall of withdrawal from reality crawling up all around me
Hank sighs and taps in the directions to the DPD precinct. "Don't worry kid," he says, "It gets better".
But does anything ever truly get better?
The trip to the precinct is uneventful and quiet, and I find myself missing the loud obnoxious sounds of Hank's heavy metal that we'd always listen to on the way to work, but I get the feeling he's refraining from playing it for my sake. I stare out the window, trying to steady my shaking form and hands, but it's no use. My LED had toned down to a muted yellow by the time the car pulls itself into the parking lot, and I hardly notice when Hank hops out and taps on my window.
"Come on, Alex," He says, pulling his coat higher around his neck, "Let's get this over with".
I nod and drag the sleeve of the hoodie across my face to dry the last bit of tears away, pushing the door open and stepping out into the cold frigid morning.
"What's…" I begin, trotting alongside him as we walk up to the building, "What's going to happen to me?".
"We'll run your serial number through the systems, see if we can find any relatives or guardians registered to that number. If not, you'll be sent to New Jericho, they'll give you housing until they can find you a more permanent home".
"Oh,".
Hank grumbles a little and pats my back reassuringly, "Don't worry, I know Markus… he'll take extra good care of ya".
Oh god, Markus, I think, realizing that he and all of Jericho had to deal with my death as well, me basically being the Ambassador for all androids as we tried to mend ties between our people and Cyberlife. But… it looks like they did fine without me.
I shuffle inside the warm office and smile a the android at the front desk, happy to see she's still working here. I can hardly bring myself to smile at her, but I manage and watch the look of confusion prompted by Hank bringing in an unknown android into the office.
"Morning, Annette," He says, tipping an imaginary hat to her.
"Uh, Mr. Anderson. Who is-".
But Hank is out of the room before she can finish her sentence.
Everything feels… so much bigger now that I'm so much smaller, and everything is so much louder than I remember. I can't help but inch closer to Hank, instinctually grabbing his hand and hiding behind his pant leg. Officers start taking notice of the odd little android following him, and I can't help but notice my LED go back to red.
"Just ignore them," Hank says.
I try to by closing my eyes and letting him lead me over to his desk, but I can still feel everybody staring at me, adding onto the stress that I'm already feeling.
These are all my coworkers, I realize, These are my friends and colleagues
Were…
They were your friends.
Can't help but let out a whimper, once again reminded of what I lost.
"Well, well well, look what we have here," says a hauntingly familiar voice, "It seems that Anderson got himself a new plastic pet"
I freeze, my eyes going wide, a small gasp escapes my throat as two men walk up to me and Hank.
One of them is Officer Reed.
Hank getting a few steps ahead before Hank realizes I'm not following him.
"Leave him alone, Gavin" he snarls, pulling me away from them, "I'll break your fucking nose again if you're not careful".
"Try and you'll lose your job, asshole" Reed replies, reaching up and taping the edge of his slightly more crooked and scared nose.
Hank groans in annoyance and begins to walk away again, "I don't have time for this shit. Come on, Alex… let's go run your numbers".
But I don't move.
I can't move.
"Alex?".
My LED is a solid red as I stare up at the frighteningly tall man standing next to Gavin.
His hair is brown, eyes grey and his face, cold and emotionless.
I'm… staring back up at myself.