Chapter 4

"She suffered a traumatic brain injury, and coupled with her depression, she is likely confused over her feelings for you, and not the same person she was before the accident. But from what you've told me about her, I believe that with time she will come to see that this was an accident, and no one is to blame. She may already realize it, but just be having trouble letting it go emotionally."

"That doesn't help me," Arizona had angrily replied.

"It doesn't. I'm saying that there is nothing else you can really do, besides recommending she see someone professionally. You can let her know that you are there for her, even that you love her, but you can't keep letting your feelings of guilt make you feel that you deserve to be punished. You don't. And you need to begin doing what is best for you. Unfortunately, you can't really help Callie, but you can help yourself."

It had been the most direct statement she had ever been given by her therapist, a few weeks previously. Throughout her therapy she had explained how it broke her up more and more every time she'd watched Callie leave, but she felt it deserved. She hurt her babies, she hurt Callie, and she deserved to be punished. But her therapist pointed out how this was destructive to herself, and how could she possible help in raising her daughter if she didn't take care of herself? Well, Arizona had been starting to really work on herself. She had started trying to forgive herself, but it was difficult. However, Callie lying next to her in bed for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, it gave her strength.

Arizona wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she had yet to fall asleep. She no longer felt tired. Callie was in her bed, and even if she was currently just looking at her clothed back, that was enough for her. Arizona felt the bed shift, and Callie turned to face her. Callie was equally just as awake. In the darkness, Arizona admired how visible the whites of Callie's eyes were. Callie's expression was admiring as well. She was admiring Arizona.

Callie's hand slowly reached out for Arizona's face and she tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. Then she slowly caressed Arizona's cheek. Arizona closed her eyes at the contact and her head turned gently, craving the feeling of Callie's gentle caress. Callie scooted even closer before leaning forward, and laying a kiss on Arizona's forehead. It had made Arizona sigh. Then she kissed Arizona's nose, which made Arizona smile. Then slowly she brought her head lower to make their lips meet as she gently kissed Arizona. Her eyes were now also closed until she felt wetness, and opened them.

"Don't cry my love," Callie carefully whispered, as she used her thumb to wipe away Arizona's tears. Arizona hadn't been able to speak, but she nodded her head. "Go to sleep," Callie whispered. Arizona took a deep breath, and then closed her eyes, ushered to sleep with Callie's hand still caressing her face.

This felt different to her than all the times she'd been with Callie before. This felt like love.

Callie must have drifted off to sleep as well, and in her dreams she was greeted by nightmares. She was on the hood of that car, lying in her own blood, while her babies were violently ripped out from her. A baby lay on the ground while Arizona held onto Sofia, who was crying, who was alive, but no one went to pick up Sara. Callie couldn't move, and she tried to yell to Arizona, to tell her that Sara was dying, but the harder she tried to yell the further away she would get from her baby. She could see that the baby wasn't moving, she could see that Sara was completely lifeless. Gone.

"Callie," Arizona said loudly while shaking her. She had been trying to wake her up for several moments, but gently shaking her hadn't seemed to help. She finally saw Callie's eyes open, and recognized fear in them. Callie looked around wildly for a moment and then sat up in bed.

"Callie, what is it?" Arizona asked desperately. She knew Callie had a nightmare, and hoped she would talk to her about it.

"It's nothing. I have to go though," Callie said as she stood and began to change back into her clothes. Arizona chest tightened again. "I can pick up Sofia in the morning, or Mark can."

Callie started moved for the door, and out into the hall.

"Callie wait!" Arizona said following after her into the living room. "Please don't go. Please tell me what's wrong." Besides everything.

"It's just not right. She should be here. We should all be together, but without her we aren't a real family Arizona!" Callie said loudly. She regretted how loud. She didn't want to wake Sofia. They moved out into the living room, and surprising to Arizona, Callie went to sit on the couch. Arizona took a seat next to her. They sat in silence for what felt like hours. Until Arizona finally broke that silence.

"I still get them too Callie," She said quietly. "I have nightmares all the time. Only mine are always about the crying, and screaming. They're about seeing you lying on the hood of the car while I'm holding Sara in my arms, and I'm trying to save her I can't. I can't save her, and then you're screaming and I'm just surrounded by blood again. And I can't scream, I can't call for help, but I can't help either," Arizona's voice began to shake.

"It wasn't your fault Arizona," Callie said gently, and Arizona threw her a disbelieving look, "It wasn't. And I know that. Rationally I know that. I- I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." She said the last part desperately because it was the truth. She was constantly at war within herself. Stuck between loving Arizona, and hating her. Stuck between loving herself and hating herself.

Arizona took a deep breath. Now was the time. "Have you thought about seeing someone?"

"Like a therapist?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. I already got cleared to work," Callie reasoned, while shrugging.

"But you're still struggling. A therapist- or someone to talk to, might be able to help with that. You had a traumatic brain injury and a traumatic experience Callie. Seeing someone, it wouldn't be a sign of weakness," Arizona said.

"I know. I uh, had already been seeing someone," Callie admitted.

"Really?" Arizona asked hopefully.

"I fired them."

"Oh. Well, I uh- I have some names if you want," Arizona nervously asked.

"I don't -" Callie began.

"Wait, I'll- I'll go get them for you," Arizona left leaving Callie alone in the living room. Callie looked around, and she noticed that this place didn't feel like Arizona. There were hardly any decorations or pictures, and the colors weren't as warm as Arizona's previous apartment, or their apartment. This place didn't feel like a place Arizona belonged.

"Here. That way if you decide you want to talk to someone, you have options," Arizona said as she handed Callie a few cards.

"Thanks," Callie whispered. She stood up. "I'm going to go now." She started heading towards the door, and as she grabbed the handle she heard Arizona.

"Callie, wait. Just a second," Arizona stood up and moved to stand in front of Callie by the door. "Callie, I love you, and- and I know that you love me, but I also know that you can't forgive me. I am so sorry for that. I want to do anything I can to be there for you... but I can't keep doing this anymore. So if I'm right. If you still do love me, at all, you can't come back here until you want to be with me for real. I- I'm sorry. It's just too hard."

Callie swallowed the lump in her throat, and started nodding as she felt the dam of tears break, wetness streaming down her face. She reached for the doorknob again, and walked out the door. Leaving Arizona alone again.

AN: Thanks for reading! Also, I hope people aren't to hard on Callie because I really love her, and am not trying to portray her negatively. In this story she's just gone through a very traumatic event, and so has Arizona, but Callie had a brain injury on top of it all, so to say that she's struggling is an understatement. At the end of the day it's two people trying their best. And I do believe I said this story was not all sunshine and roses, but hope it's worth it.

Hope to hear what y'all think!