The trees flew past us as I tore down the driveway, pushing Anna's truck to its limits. As if hurrying to say goodbye to Anna would make it any easier.
"Say something," she said desperately.
I couldn't mask my irritation as I replied. "What do you want me to say?"That I hate myself for nearly killing you… again?
Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shrink against the door of the truck, and I castigated myself. "Tell me you forgive me." Her voice was quiet, but her words cut me to the core.
"Forgiveyou?For what?" She couldn't possibly be trying to take responsibility for this appalling situation. Absurd.
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she said.
There was no way she could put this on herself – I was the one who dragged her here, forced her to endure a party she didn't want, surrounded by blood-thirsty monsters. "Anna, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." If she'd been anywhere else it wouldn't be an issue. Suddenly my mind filled with an image of the party Anna should have had…
"It's still my fault," she pressed.
Her insistence brought my guilt into sharp focus, and the words spewed out. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Makayla Newton's house, with Jeremy there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage. If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Makayla Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and she wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time she was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Anna. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." The steering wheel creaked under the stress of my grip, and I barely avoided crushing it in my hands.
"How the hell did Makayla Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.
"Makayla Newton ended up in this conversation because Makayla Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snarled. Makayla Newton was an ignorant child who was hardly aware of the world around her… but she was infinitely better for Anna. She would never be driven to hurt her – to kill her. As much as it turned my stomach to imagine her holding her, Makayla Newton—or someone like her— was who Anna should be with… not me.
"I'd rather die than be with Makayla Newton! I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
Would you have me kill you?
Alice's vision of my Anna with blood-red newborn eyes showed me the awful answer. "Don't be melodramatic, please," I said to her, trying to contain my self-directed anger. I had to quell these emotions, lock them away along with the love, the longing I had for her. We were close to her house now. I had to say goodbye.
"Then don't you be ridiculous," she snapped.
I had no response. When the truck came to a stop in front of her house, I continued to stare out the windshield, willing myself to say the words. The words that would rip my heart out.Goodbye, Anna.
But silence was all I could muster.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked timidly. Her simple request sapped what little strength I had.
I remained frozen, looking away.No, I won'tI tried to say, but my heart betrayed me. "I should go home." And never come back. It's what is right.
"For my birthday," she begged, and I knew I'd lost. With only a few words she destroyed my plan, pulling me, and the danger I posed, closer when she should be pushing me away. But it was clear that I couldn't leave her… not yet. Part of me rejoiced, yearning to reach out to her and hold her close. The other part of me was shamed. In time Iwouldprotect her, this I swore.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." The argument was as weak as my resolve. Why couldn't I just sayNo!
"Okay." She heard my capitulating tone, and the relief in her voice shredded my will. "I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." With her good hand she opened the door and jumped down. I didn't move – making one last weak attempt to extract myself from her life. She turned back and awkwardly gathered her gifts.
"You don't have to take those," I said, finally looking at her. The contents were not something that she would need after I was gone.
"I want them," she said without thinking, then paused, scrutinizing my face.
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." And the other one is from me… she'd made it abundantly clear that my gifts were the least desirable thing in her mind.
"I'll live." A half smile crossed her lips as she slammed the door shut, preventing any response. She had complete control over me. If only she would tell me to go, then there would be no issue. But that was the weakness talking – she wasn't responsible for this situation – I was.
I exited the truck and snatched the burden from Anna's arm. "Let me carry them, at least," I said in defeat. Perhaps I should just concede my weakness tonight, and try again tomorrow. "I'll be in your room."
"Thanks," she said with a brilliant smile.
"Happy Birthday," I said with a sigh. Was there another way? I leaned down, unable to resist brushing my lips against hers. When she strained to stay in contact as I pulled away, a genuine smile filled my face, displaying the love I had for my perfect angel. But then I ran, knowing what that love required of me.
Before she'd even opened the front door I was through her window and seated on her bed. As I waited in her room, I questioned my judgment again. If Carlisle had taken Anna home, I wouldn't be sitting here. I could have disappeared into the night, vanished without a trace. She would be confused when I didn't show up for school tomorrow, but she would remember the last time I disappeared. Would she wait, expecting me to return? Or would she search? Where would she go…Alaska?
No, it was wrong to sneak away like a coward. She deserved peace, closure. I couldn'tjustleave her – had to free her of me. I had to break our connection; make her understand that this goodbye was different, that it was forever.I had to do the impossible.
Her voice floated up the stairs, filling me with a completeness I knew I would crave every day for the rest of time. I indulged myself for a moment, remembering the same fulfillment when she first said she loved me as she slept. It'd been a dream to me as much as it was to her, I realized, and it was coming to an end. If only the dream would fade from my memory the way it would from hers.
I heard Anna say a nervous goodnight to David as she nearly ran to the stairs. A question formed in her father's mind, though I wouldn't have known it's exact content if he hadn't given it voice.
"What happened to your arm?" David asked.
"I tripped. It's nothing." Anna's ability to lie had not improved, but David was distracted by the TV.
"Anna," he said with a sigh.
"Goodnight, Dad," she said, then rushed up the stairs. The bathroom door closed loudly, and the water went on. I picked up Carlisle's gift to Anna and ran my fingers along the sharp folds, trying to avoid thinking about the beautiful woman changing a few feet away… and the fact I was too weak to truly make her safe. I loved her so much – but I was pathetic.
Moments later she swept in, oblivious to my mood.
"Hi," I mumbled.
"Hi," she said, displacing the presents and planting herself in my lap. The heat of her cheek against my chest was electrifying, and I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around her. Again she took control of me, chasing the struggle from my mind.
"Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I asked, unable to fight any more tonight.
"You made me curious." She picked up the package from Carlisle and Esme almost gleefully, and I felt a flicker of happiness. It was still her birthday, after all, and if she could finally find some joy in that fact, I would not be the one to squelch it.
I took the present from her. "Allow me." There would be no more blood spilled tonight. I unwrapped the present, tossing the paper neatly in the wastebasket next to her tiny desk before returning the narrow box to her exquisite fingers.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said sardonically. The box opened easily, and Anna lifted the white vouchers out and held them so they would catch the light. She squinted at the cards, her brow wrinkled with confusion. She read silently, her face relaxing, then becoming jubilant. The sight was stunning.
"We're going to Jacksonville?" she nearly squealed.
"That's the idea." But no,wewouldn't be going.
"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Her excitement was lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth – that she'd be going alone. Not today, not on her birthday.
Instead I responded, "I think I can handle it." So itwas only my gifts she rejected out of hand. I frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." Even now, after so much time spent with her, I couldn't predict her reactions.
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"
Her exuberance was contagious, and I actually chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable."
She reached for the last present, the nearly deadly package, but I snatched it away. There was no way she was going to touch her fingers to this paper ever again. Once unwrapped, I handed her the home-made CD. The silver of the disc glinted in the weak light.
"What is it?" she asked, genuinely confused.
In answer I grabbed the CD player on her bedside table and slipped the disc in. Would she appreciate this gift, or find it childish compared to the airline tickets sitting on the bed? I pushed 'play' and watched her intently.
The music filled the room, and she froze. Even without a clear vision, Alice had assured me that Anna would love this gift, but her reaction was curious. I remembered when she'd heard the song for the first time, sitting at my piano. The same expression had painted her face then, and she had been just as speechless. That image was forever marred by the memory of the bright red stain on the carpet next to the instrument.
When she broke out of her trance this time, she rubbed her face. When I realized that it was because tears were welling in her eyes my heart broke – did the music remind her of the trauma of just an hour ago? How I'd carelessly injured her?
I glanced at her arm and at the yellow antibiotic stain surrounding the white bandages. The anesthetic must be wearing off – that must be causing her tears. And I keep causing her pain.
"Does your arm hurt?" I knew where the Tylenol was; I should have gotten something stronger before I left Carlisle.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Elsa. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She pressed her lips tightly together and leaned a little closer to the CD player.
Another unpredictable response from my love… my music had brought her to tears. She'd heard the song so many times emanating from my lips, and yet this reproduction touched her heart, probably because it could be here when I wasn't. Would she listen to it and cry after I was gone? Leaving wasn't going to be as easy as disappearing into the night… I could see that now.
But this moment was about her, not me. "I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."
"You're right." She touched her bandage gingerly, probably without realizing it.
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine," she said, of course, but I could see her face reddening from the stress of the discomfort.
"I'll get you some Tylenol." I would get a prescription for something stronger from Carlisle in the morning. There was something wrong with that thought, but when Anna grimaced again, only one thing mattered. She was hurting.
"I don't need anything," she whined, but couldn't hide the ache in her eyes as I set her gently on the bed next to me. The pills were in the bathroom, and she would need water as well.
When I reached the door she hissed, "David," and I had to smother a laugh. I could run down the stairs and out the front door without David seeing me… I may as well have been in another state, sneaking around up here.
"He won't catch me." In two of her heartbeats I was back at her side, handing her the pills. Thankfully she didn't argue – her arm must really hurt. This had to be the last time…
"It's late," I said. With the music still playing, I carefully lifted her off the coverlet and resettled her under it. Foolishly I lay down next to her. Just one last time, I told myself. She snuggled against me, resting her head on my shoulder and sighing contentedly. And I wanted this to last forever.
"Thanks again," she whispered.
After everything that'd happened, she was thankful. "You're welcome." She fit so perfectly against me, like she was made just for me. So right.
No. It wasn't right, it was selfish. To take this warm, vibrant life and corrupt it with my darkness was the ultimate sin. But was it right to just disappear? Leaving would protect her from the physical damage I continually cause her… what about the mental anguish? There was no doubt she loved me, and that my leaving would break her heart. How could that be right? What aboutmyheart?
The CD became silent momentarily, then Esme's song began. I remembered how my mother had accepted Anna unquestioningly into our family. My feelings were her only concern in the beginning – how Anna improved my life – but she had come to regard Anna's welfare as important as any of ours. I hoped that Esme would see that my feelings were no longer of any consequence. Even questioning how leaving would make me feel is wrong. I once told Anna I would hurt myself by leaving if it would keep her safe. Noble words at the time…could I live up to them?
"What are you thinking about?" she asked over the music.
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." And how weak I was, knowing the right path but unable to force myself down it.
She tensed under her thin quilt. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you tonotignore my birthday?"
What was she scheming? "Yes."
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." My frozen heart trembled in response. I shouldn't…
"You're greedy tonight," I said to the both of us.
"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she said, her voice laced with irritation.
I laughed. Her attempt at reverse psychology was as pathetic as one of her lies. Of course I wanted to kiss her. I never wanted tostopkissing her. It was leaving that I didn't want to do. But there wasn't really a choice. I sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I put my hand under her chin and drew her to me.
Her mouth was warm, and as always, eager. The heat of her desire met the fire of my thirst, fanned by the sweet taste that permeated me, even through my sealed lips. The strength I'd been searching for reared up, and my heart flew to my throat as I realized this should be the last time I'd kiss her. I pulled her closer, trying to convey all the love I had for her through this last embrace. As her body pressed against mine, my chest tore open, and I learned that heartbreak was not a metaphorical term. My heart ripped open… I couldn't breathe from the depth of the agony, and my eyes tried futilely to tear. No, I couldn't do it… I couldn't go… she was my life.
A small voice in my head put words behind the strength, their simplicity cutting through the pain.Let her live.
Somehow I pushed my Anna away, and the first piece of my heart ripped away with her. She lay on her pillow panting, as I was, though my labored breaths were an attempt to suppress my sorrow, not control my lust. I tried to lock the emotions away. It was her birthday – I couldn't subject her to this pain tonight. "Sorry, that was out of line."
"Idon't mind," she said breathlessly. When her eyes opened, they sparkled with life up at me.
I love you so much, Anna…Those were the words that rested on my tongue, but I banished them. It wasn't fair to encourage her, either. "Try to sleep, Anna."
"No, I want you to kiss me again." The flush on her face was so exquisite; I had to make a fist behind her head to keep from stroking her cheek. So many reasons to stay…
"You're overestimating my self-control." In so many ways.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She tried to make light of the way she attracted me… literally like a moth to a flame.
I considered her question, trying to compare the burn in my throat to the ache in my chest. At first it'd been her blood that drew me, but now, there was so much more. When I remembered the softness of her lips, the excitement that filled me was not due to thirst, but to lust. The warmth of her body called to mine, inviting my skin to find hers… but it also reminded me of the radiant pleasure of her blood flowing over my tongue. For every temptation her delicious blood posed, there was an equally seductive enticement offered by her flesh. Everything about her seemed to have been created with my desires in mind.
"It's a tie," I said, smiling in spite of myself. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" If onlyI'dbeen created to love her, rather than destroy her. Fate was a cruel vixen.
"Fine." She slid close to me again, draping her injured arm over my shoulder. Her breath began to slow almost immediately, ebbing and flowing over me with her enticing scent. The lump in my throat burned with thirst, as it always would. It was reality's calling card.
I had to leave – weallhad to leave. Only then could Anna be safe from me, from the danger I brought into her life. But how could I? The resolve I'd felt in her kiss was evaporating quickly as I held her. I couldn't just walk away. She was as much a part of me as my hands, my legs, or my heart.
Anna took a deep breath and shivered as she relaxed. I pulled the quilt a little tighter around her, trying to trap more of her warmth against the chill of my icy skin.One more reason to separate myself from her.
I'm so sorry, my love.Her bandaged arm now became slack on my shoulder, no longer needing the cool relief she'd been subtly seeking.I've caused you so much pain, my head ached.
But I protected her. She'll be fine,my heart replied.
This time…
Anna took a deep breath, interrupting my thoughts. Her heart beat strongly in my grasp, and I tried to focus on its soothing rhythm and drive the argument from my mind. My path was clear, and I needed to get the most out of these last minutes with her.
Carefully I stroked her hair and enjoyed the faint, artificial remnants of strawberries that lingered. For the longest time the smell of Anna's shampoo had been lost behind the supreme power of the scent of her blood, but now I could discern it as a separate aroma. I could even distinguish Anna's own scent of freesia and lavender separately from the incredibly sweet smell of her delectable blood. My lungs filled with the bouquet, and I slowly committed every minute detail to memory.
Her hair was so silky, and my fingers slid effortlessly through her light red tresses. On this last pass, a single hair came free in my fingers, and I lifted it away carefully and grimaced. Even now, barely moving near her, I caused her damage. It was so wrong for me to impose myself on her life. It had to stop, and there was only one way it could. I had to go.
All my decisions had been about what I wanted. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to touch her warm skin. I wanted to kiss her luscious lips. I wanted to give her a birthday party, when she wanted to have nothing to do with it. And I wanted to spend the rest of her life by her side. What I wanted was so wrong. And then there was the greatest evil, the one desire that defined a monster in me even greater than the bloodsucking murderer I was. The image of my Anna as a cold, dead vampire appeared and the self-centered creature I was narrated the image.You could have her forever…
No. This demon would not win and doom her perfection to eternal night. The fact that she agreed with the evil side of me only exacerbated the situation, but I fought them both.
I looked at my love, peacefully sleeping. As a vampire, she wouldn't enjoy this comfort – there was never any such peace for me. So many things she would lose just to satisfy my selfishness. It was so wrong for me to even consider damning her like that. I had to let go.
Carefully I rolled the errant hair between my fingers. This would be the last time, the last night I could be with her. She had to be safe. I would never put her in danger ever again. The right thing was for me to leave, to take my world away from her so that she could live the normal, human life she was meant to live; and to ascend to the afterlife she deserved. There could be no more argument.
As I held Anna for the final time, I let the full weight of my decision sink in. My presence would not be the only thing that had to be removed from her life; all traces of my cursed world must be eliminated. My family would have to leave too. Only Alice would try to argue – she had developed a friendship with Anna that she'd never had with any other human. She clung to the visions she'd had of Anna becoming immortal, but those would change. I didn't look forward to seeing what the future held now
It was nearly time to start over anyway, so this change wouldn't be that hard for Carlisle to manage. I'd never asked much of my family in the past, and I'd given up much for them. They would grant me this one favor – in truth, they would probably embrace it. The lie I'd told myself; the outright lie, that somehow I could make Anna happy had affected them, too. They would be relieved to be free of that obligation.
My lungs filled again with Anna's sweet scent, enticing the burn in my throat, and I heard David stirring downstairs. I could tell from his nebulous thoughts that he was happy with the outcome of what he'd seen on TV, and that he was exhausted. He would be heading to bed soon. I had let go. I had to lethergo.
With that one thought I was overcome with grief. It was time. Gently I pulled my sleeping Anna as close as possible and buried my face in her hair. Her breathing didn't change, and she tightened her arm around me again.
"I love you so much Anna, please forgive me," I barely whispered. She took a deep breath.
"Elsa," she said, still asleep. The word cut me like a knife, and I shook with a tearless sob. I will never be the same without her.
"Anna," I choked. I heard David's heavy steps at the bottom of the stairs, and I knew I had to release her. Once I did, I wouldn't hold her like this again, ever. "Sleep well, my love," I whispered, but the words faded to nothing on my lips. My chest trembled as I inhaled, and then I loosened my arms. As I slid my arm from in under her fragile body, she rolled away from me. If only she'd release me this easily when she was conscious.
David was outside her door, and I sped into the far corner, as far away from Anna as possible. The light from the hallway illuminated her for a moment as he looked in on my angel. "Good night, sweetheart," he said softly, just like he did every night. He would take care of her when I was gone. He would be the one to comfort her after I hurt her one last time.
The door closed, and David trudged off to the bathroom. Anna still didn't move, and she lay turned away from me, sleeping peacefully. My arms begged to hold her one more time, but I wound them around my own chest instead. The decision was made. I had to start living with it.
I stood there, unmoving, for a long time, unable to take the final step and jump from her window. All I could think about was her, how much she had changed me in these past few months. This one human girl had somehow chased away the monster in me, and wrapped herself around my cold, silent heart. So much happiness she'd brought me, and I'd brought her nothing but suffering in return. Anna deserved so much more. I had to give her the chance to find that life she was meant to have.
But I couldn't leave.
Woven into my every thought was the burning desire to take her back in my arms. My whole being craved her closeness, and even this small separation tore at me. How would I be able to leave? How could I stay?
By the time the sun started to rise, my throat ached from the lump that had been there all night long. I'd tried to force myself to leave, but couldn't. During her dreamless hours I'd convinced myself that there were many things that had to be done in order to remove myself from her life, and that my family needed time to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. Selfishly I'd told myself that I would ease myself out of Anna's life, but it was a poor excuse for the fact that I was too weak to just walk away. And with my cowardice came the chance I could injure or kill her…
The green LEDs on the clock showed 6:30 – time for Anna to rise. Normally I would be holding her, and wake her with a kiss, but not this morning. I took another breath, but the air did not fill me. Slowly I knelt down next to her bed and touched her warm, bare shoulder. The moment I did a shiver raced down my spine. How many touches were left?
"Anna, time to wake up," I said softly. This was another last – I wouldn't stay with her tonight. Not if I stood any hope of departing permanently.
She rolled to face me, her beautiful eyes fluttering open. Slowly she focused on my face. "Good morning," she said, and smiled sleepily.
Anna reached out her hand to touch my cheek, and winced in pain.I caused that, I reminded myself, and caught her hand before she could touch my face. "Careful, Anna, your stitches…" I said.
She looked at me warily and frowned. I needed to go. The longer I stayed, the more I questioned my decision.
"I'll let you get ready for school. See you there." She grimaced again, and rubbed her temple with her other hand – it was clear her head hurt, too. I bent down to kiss her, and barely avoided pressing my lips to hers, quickly kissing her forehead instead. Still so selfish. Even with this innocent peck, her scent became a taste on my tongue, her pulse gently throbbing against my lips. It took all I had to pull myself away from her warmth as I turned and leapt out her window.
My head automatically turned back and I glanced up at her room before turning for home. The first link had been broken.
As I ran, my mind began to create the list of tasks that accompanied a relocation of this magnitude, hoping to find a distraction from the ache in my chest. Since Royal, Emmett and Jasper had already moved, at least to the human eyes around us, the bulk of the transition would fall on Carlisle's shoulders. He'd done this many times, so it shouldn't be too much of a burden. Esme would follow Carlisle no matter where he went… and then there was Alice.
The indecision of last night undoubtedly had Alice watching and guessing at what I was planning, and I knew she would be against it. Her friendship, her version of loving Anna had skewed her view of right and wrong as well. She was so convinced that Anna was meant to become immortal that it was irritating. Alice had no memory of her human life, so she had no reference as to what the cost to Anna would be. She would feel like I was taking her sister away from her. I wasn't looking forward to facing her.
The house was close.
"Alice, are you sure? She wants toleaveher?"Emmett's voice rose in pitch with his disbelief.
"Yes, I'm sure. Her mind seems set, for now."An image of me climbing the stairs of the porch blinked through her thoughts.You're an idiot, you know that?my sister thought for my benefit, knowing I was close by.
"It's about time."Royal was annoyingly cheerful.
No, Elsa can't throw this away. Poor Anna, this is going to devastate her. These last thoughts from my mother hurt the most. The hardest part of leaving was the knowledge that Anna would suffer yet again because of me. She would probably come to loathe me for wasting so much of her short life.
No, she wouldn't hate me. She didn't hold grudges, nor did she stay mad for long. I knew her better than to expect anything different. Anna moved past her ill feelings towards others – I'd seen her do it time and time again. But her short human memory and forgiving nature would allow Anna to move past me, allow her to easily find someone else to make her smile. I tried to find some hope in the fact that she would live a normal life without me, but I only felt grief – and jealousy for her next suitor.
I reached the steps, and the door opened. "Alice," I said, unsurprised by the glare she focused on me.
"This won't work, you know," she jeered, and a crystal clear image of my Anna dressed in a long white gown filled her mind. I was there too, holding her hand, sliding a ring onto my love's slender finger.
"Stop it, Alice, that's just your imagination." She'd seen this vision on and off all summer, because it was a fantasy of mine. I'd once toyed with the idea of proposing to Anna, but never acted on it. The image only steeled my resolve. Shewouldmarry some day, but she would marry a human. I clenched my teeth at the thought of Makayla Newton or tyler crawley standing in my spot. "That is not my future – it never was."
"We'll see," she said in an insolent tone. She closed her eyes, concentrating on me. I cringed, afraid of what she would see.
The first images were exactly what I feared. I was at school with Anna, in class after class, staring mindlessly at the instructors. How many days would it take for me to finally do what had to be done? The scene changed, and became blurred. A figure huddled on the ground, but there was no way to tell who it was.
"You're not as sure of yourself as you'd like us to believe," she muttered as I passed her.
I snarled as I stomped past her into the living room. The couches were full – only Jasper was missing. All eyes turned toward me as I moved toward the wall of windows. I didn't meet them at first, collecting myself after Alice's onslaught.
"I assume Alice has told you what I'm planning." I took a breath and turned around and looked at Carlisle. Everyone else deferred to his lead, waiting to see where he stood.
His face was drawn. "Yes. It is your intention to leave Anna. Don't you think that taking yourself out of her life is a drastic step?"The lump in my throat returned.
"Anna should never have been exposed to our world. It has nearly killed her several times already. She needs to be allowed to live the human life she was destined to." I kept my voice even, emotionless.
"She makes you so happy, Elsa. You make each other so happy. Surely there's another way?" Esme said. The lump grew, and I tried unsuccessfully to swallow it.
"No, there is no other way, Esme. It's not fair to Anna to be in constant danger, and it's not fair to you to have to pretend to be something you're not."
Esme looked down. She had as much trouble as anyone being around Anna, fighting her thirst like the rest of us.
"I still say it won't work, Elsa. You're tied to her in ways you can't even understand. You're not strong enough to leave – I told you that in the beginning. I've seen the future that should be." Alice refused to accept the wisdom of my decision, seeing only her own selfish desires. Her obstinance only pushed me harder down the road I knew I had to travel.
"Oh yeah? You also saw only two futures for Anna last spring – immortality or the grave. Seems your visions aren't what they used to be." I refused to let the memory of that horrid day return.
"You'll come back, if you manage to drag yourself away," she said doubtfully.
"Watch me," I growled. In many ways my sister was just as stubborn as Anna, and this was just a warm up for argument she would make.
Carlisle didn't say anything, quietly watching our exchange, analyzing my reactions. He was trying to decide how dedicated I was to this plan. He knew me too well.
I sighed, turning to logic again. "Alice, your visions aside, I can't just stand by and watch Anna continually broken because of us. I have to protect her, and right now, we are the most dangerous thing in her life." Alice looked at me and set her jaw; I wouldn't be able to convince her. There's more than one way to spin this…
"How's Jasper?" I asked quietly.
Her face changed, and I heard everyone's thoughts turn to my brother. He hadn't returned since he nearly killed Anna last night, but Alice knew where he was, still fighting his shame.
"He's fine, he just needs some time," she murmured. Her lie didn't fool anyone.
"You should be with him. Maybe you two could go up to Denali. The hunting is plentiful this time of year." Whenever Jasper had a crisis like this, it took time, Alice, and a lot of distraction to bring him back to the family. Removing Alice from Anna's life now would be easier for me as well – she would not want to lie to Anna, and probably would just urge her to make my leaving impossible. I felt another stab of pain in my chest at the thought of Anna begging me to stay.
"I'll go after school," she said.Anna won't let you do this. She loves you – she lovesustoo much.
"No, you should go now. This is between Anna and me, your presence will only complicate the situation." I looked at her darkly. "Don't make it harder for her or Jasper."
Alice's eyes widened. "You want usallto leave," she whispered.
I looked at Carlisle again. "Yes."
The atmosphere in the room became charged. Each member of my family considered the implications of my request, and the fact it was the first time I'd asked anything of this magnitude of them. Even Royal couldn't come up with another instance.
"No argument here," my least favorite brother sneered.It's about time you let this fantasy of yours go,he thought. I frowned at him. he had been boycotting Forks for a while, dragging Emmett to the furthest corners of the earth because he resented Anna's presence. At first it was just my fault, for falling for a measly human, but when everyone else accepted Anna easily, and that's when Royal went on strike.
At my announcement his mood became exuberant. Though he would miss this rainy corner of the world, and its nearly endless days of sunless weather, he was already celebrating his return to our family. he was happy to be rid of the human I loved, even if it meant moving.
"Roy, calm down," Emmett scolded.I'm sorry it can't work out. She seemed so right for you.He briefly wished I'd allowed Anna to turn in Arizona, but knew that my love for Anna would have been tainted forever by regret. As he remembered how I'd saved her, he straightened up.You're stronger than any of us, ya know?"If you think it's the right thing, Elsa, I'll do whatever you ask." No one could ask for a more devoted brother.
Alice's mood turned somber, realizing that she would not see Anna again before we left.
"And what about me, Elsa? I love her too." Her eyes flashed with betrayal.
"Then you should understand better than anyone how it is only right to leave. She has suffered so much because of us, because of me."
"You're just too stubborn to give her what she wants, to make her safe," Alice retorted, seeing Anna in her mind as her immortal sister.
My teeth ground together. "It's so easy for you to want to take away her humanity – something you have no memory of at all. Anna has no concept of what she's giving up, and neither do you." She rolled her eyes. "What about David? You were the one worried about him in the beginning – how killing Anna would kill him, too. Has that changed?"
Alice paused, remembering that first disastrous day and how she'd warned me that David would have reacted if Anna had disappeared from his life. Her expression softened. She'd grown attached to Anna's father, too, and didn't want to hurt him, either. When she started to argue again, Carlisle decided to step in, silencing us both with a single raised hand.
"Anna's humanity is not at issue here," he said sternly.
"Our leaving will make her safe," I said through my teeth.
"But I can't even say goodbye?" she whispered, and I frowned, seeing only misery in her face.
"You know that Anna won't let you go, either, Alice. It'll be easier for both of you this way," I said softly. She didn't understand the gift I was giving her – not having to see Anna's eyes when she heard the worst word…goodbye.
Alice's expression changed again and she glared up at me. "I thought you loved her. How can you treat her like this?"
My anger took over. "Idolove her – more than you can possibly imagine. Why do you think I'm doing this? It's not about me or you – it's about what is right for Anna. That's all. It isrightfor her to be able to live her human life. It isrightfor her to have friends that don't have to fight the urge to kill her with every breath they take. It isrightfor her to be able to sleep, dream, and have a family. This is what isrightfor her. Period!" I shouted.
"No, it'snot," she shouted back, then turned on her heel and left. I knew she was headed to find Jasper, and that it was time for me to get ready for school. Alice was luckier than she knew – I didn't look forward to the pain I would endure over the next days… and for the rest of my existence.
The silence was filled by questions in Esme and Emmett's mind, and Royal's gloating. They looked to Carlisle who was looking at his hands. His thoughts were a tangled web of past memories, second guesses, and concern. He wanted more time.
"Carlisle, how long do you need?" I asked.
My father looked at me sadly.To move?I nodded once. "We can leave today, if that is your wish," he said.How much time doyouneed?He studied my face intently as I tried to say the words that were right.
I failed.
"I would like some time to say goodbye." Like an addict unable to admit their dependency I tried to hide behind excuses to extend my fix.
Carlisle frowned, easily reading the weakness in my eyes.You are still uncertain, I can tell."I see. Very well, would two more days be long enough?"
"Yes." My mind instantly calculated the number of hours, minutes, and seconds that such a schedule would leave me with Anna. It was more than I had a right to ask for.
We will speak about this tonightElsa.Carlisle was unconvinced of my resolve, and I knew that this was not a request. He would understand, though. After hearing his discussion with Anna, he couldn't help but agree with me.
With another curt nod, I headed up to my room. I had to change, and get ready to face Anna… and begin to say goodbye