I parked the same Volvo in the same spot in the same parking lot as yesterday. Nothing looked any different than it had a mere twenty-four hours before, but everything was. Things had been so different, so innocent then. If only I'd acceded to Anna's wishes, let her have the quiet birthday she'd wanted, maybe… But no, this would have happened sooner or later. I was lucky that Anna left her disastrous party with only stitches and not a tombstone.
The déjà vu continued as Anna pulled up next to me, though the look on her face wasn't one of consternation today. I knew she was staring at me, trying to read my mood. When her pulse accelerated I was tempted to see what emotion her face displayed, but I looked away. No, her feelings, her thoughts, were not my concern any longer – only her safety. As I opened her door I glanced at her injured arm. Hidden beneath layers of fabric, no one else would know what I'd done to her.
"How do you feel?" I asked, not realizing in time how dangerous a question it was.
"Perfect," she said, nearly spitting the word at me. She slammed the door of her truck as I took her backpack. Without a sound, we walked to class. As much as I'd dreaded having to make conversation with Anna, her silence was infinitely worse. And her irritation was palpable.
Even though my throat burned hotter than Hades, I shivered. For the first time in my immortal life I felt cold. I deserved her silence, and had no intention of breaking it, but it was a wall between us, a long-forgotten barrier. That first wall had fallen so easily – but this one couldn't. It had to stand forever, separating me from her warmth. I should be cold – it was what I deserved.
But still I fought against the truth. I ached to feel her warmth against me, knowing that a single kiss could dazzle her out of her sullenness. I opened the door to our first class, and as she walked past, her heat washed over me. My hand rose, nearly touching her back, but I stopped it just in time, stuffing my betraying fist into my jeans. No. If she was ready to cut me free, all the better.
Anna's mood did not improve all morning. I kept my eyes straight ahead, pretending to be engrossed in whichever teacher was before us, but really focusing all my attention on my peripheral vision. I was fooling myself, thinking I was ignoring her, and I guessed that she knew it. Anna shifted every few minutes, checking the clock or adjusting her sleeves. When I asked about her arm, she shook me off, as averse to speaking as I was. She seemed distracted, as uninterested in the lectures as I was.Stop trying to read her…
As I walked her to PE, I handed her a slip of paper. On it I'd forged an excuse from physical activity in Carlisle's handwriting. "Here," I said without looking at her.
Anna took the paper from me without a word, careful not to touch my skin. We'd come full circle, I realized, remembering that first touch in Biology last year. I had avoided her touch then, she avoided it now. She was so perceptive, was she aware that I was slowly saying goodbye?
Our longest conversation came at lunch when Anna inquired about Alice's whereabouts. When she heard that Alice was gone, Anna's face contorted in to an expression of shame and hurt. My resolve was tested again – I so wanted to put my arm around her and comfort her, tell her that everything would be fine, but of course it wouldn't. I could ill afford to hold her – once I put my arm around her I wouldn't want to let her go. She had to have her life, safely away from me. It was the only right thing.
The last class of the day was hardest, one of the few I didn't share with Anna. I spent the hour trying to make myself compose the words that I would say, the final goodbye. When I imagined myself walking away that final time, there was a new thought woven into the agony. What would I do with myself once I left? Where would I go? Far away…
My mind drifted back toward Anna's class, hoping for a second-hand look at her, and I chastised myself again. No matter how far I traveled, she would always be the center of my world, constantly calling me back. What could possibly draw my thoughts away from her?
Finally the bell rang, ending the torture.
I met Anna outside her class, and we walked quietly to her truck. Her mood had shifted, maybe to frustration? Without asking, I would never know. I half expected her to scold me, remembering a vague promise I'd made her so long ago…
"…warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good…"
I'd found the request humorous at the time, actually happy that she'd found my lack of attention distasteful. It was just one of the many promises that I'd broken, that I would break. But I'd never promised to stay indefinitely… "I'll be right here as long as you need me," I'd said. Clearly she didn't need me to injure her any longer. She didn't need me to kill her.
As we reached the truck, she was the one to break our silence. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked. Her tone was sure.
I should know why she wasn't expecting me to follow her home, but I couldn't fathom the reason for the change in her routine. What was she doing this afternoon alone? I scrambled to remember what was special about today, even though it shouldn't matter. "Later?"
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She seemed proud to have caught me unaware.
"Oh," was all I could think of to say. I'd planned on spending the afternoon working at her kitchen table on homework that was a waste of graphite and paper. Then I would leave her before dinner for the night, taking the next step in my extended goodbye. Tonight she would sleep alone.
Anna having to work presented only a minor deviation in my plan. Adaptation was a yet another strength of my species, so I should be able to handle such a trivial change in stride and say goodbye for the day now, rather than later. But breathing became impossible at the thought.
"So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?"
No, I'll see you tomorrow.That's what I should say. What difference was a few hours? But there were so few minutes left, how could I give up even an hour? I wondered if she could hear the weakness in my reply. "If you want me to."
"I always want you to," she said with such conviction that I had to work to keep my face expressionless.
I'll always want to."All right then," I replied flatly, and helped her into the truck. As with every goodbye, the urge to kiss her overwhelmed me, but as I had this morning, I avoided her mouth. Her forehead was warm, and wisps of her hair formed a fine curtain between her skin and my lips. My eyes closed automatically, shutting out the world around me as I savored this small taste of intimacy. Surprisingly, my thirst was no where to be found, and my lips were the only thing that were warmed by the kiss.
I retreated to my car, straining to keep my eyes forward, refusing to watch her drive away. The sound of her truck couldn't be ignored, though, and I heard the brakes squeak as she prepared to turn out of the parking lot. The thoughts buzzing around me were drowned out by her vehicle's fading thunder as she made her way into town.
My hands rested on the roof of my car as I listened to the sound fade into nothingness.
Elsa looks even worse than at lunch. I wonder what happened? She looks like she lost someone dear.
Angela Weber's kind concern was closer to the truth than she could possibly know. She smiled warmly as she passed, and I nodded at her before diving into my car. But it wasn't Anna who was dying, it was me.
The parking lot was nearly empty, but I didn't start the car. Where would I go? I couldn't handle sitting outside Newton's and listen to the thoughts of my most likely successor, but my ears ached to hear Anna's voice again. I turned on the stereo, trying to find some distraction. The music I'd grabbed on my way out this morning filled the car: Mozart'sRequiem.
If I can't even fill these few hours away from Anna, how would I manage days, weeks,decadesaway from her? My heart became a heavy stone in my chest as I pondered my future. There had to be something I could do that could lighten my burden, if only for a little while. I was so lost in my thoughts that when the passenger door opened I jumped.
"Wow, I startled Elsa. Take a picture!" Emmett said as he lowered himself into the seat next to me.
"What areyoudoing here?" Emmett was the last person I would expect to be pestering me – I couldn't believe Royal'd let him out of his sight.
"Come on – we always used to spend Anna's working hours together." He remembered fondly the time we'd spent together alone, and looked forward to spending more time with me. The prospect of fun didn't ease my trepidation.
"Hey,youwere the one that went into hiding. I'm surprised Royal doesn't have you busy planning your next excursion." My words came out sharper than I'd intended.
I'm sorry I haven't been around, Elsa. I've really missed you.
His regret was genuine, and triggered my remorse. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I always resented the way Royal has you wrapped around his finger, but I guess I can understand it." My world was ruled by one person as well.
The perils of being in love,he thought, and I looked away, the weight in my chest becoming unbearable.
"So what are you doing, sitting here listening to this dirge? Let's find something fun to do before I have to leave." So this was a brief respite before Royal stole my brother away again.
"Where are you going this time – back to Africa?" I tried to put some enthusiasm into the question.
"No, New York, I think. We'll stay with you guys and help set up the new house. Royal's helping Esme pick colors… for linens or curtains, or towels, or something."Like who cares whether the walls are cream, or off-white, or vanilla.
"You're such an insensitive oaf, Em. Don't know you know that Esme's favorite color is light almond?" My attempt at teasing fell flat, though.
It kills me to see you so down, sis. Isn't there something that I can do to help you?
I sighed, blowing cold air over the steering wheel. "No, I don't think there is. Without her there is no joy for me. I don't know what I'm going to do after I leave."
I'll be there for you, Elsa, I promise. We'll find something to keep your mind off of her.
Stunned, I looked up at my brother. "You're not trying to convince me to stay?"
He grunted. "I told you that I would support your decision, didn't I? I get it, sis, I do. You're trying to protect Anna the best way you know how. I'd do the same thing for Royal, no matter what Alice or Esme, or evenyoumight say. I didn't go to Africa on my own – you know that. But I live for him, I livebecauseof him. I just wish you could have the same happiness."
"You don't think I should turn Anna?"
"It'd be a helluva lot easier if you did… but what I think doesn't matter, does it?"
I couldn't speak. Emmett really did understand, and for one brief moment the heaviness lifted.
He shifted and started to poke at the radio, needing to lighten the mood.Course the hunting in Africa was awesome. You'd love a leopard. They're a challenge to track.
Rap music filled the car, and I groaned. "This isnothelping, Emmett." The incoherent words and pulsing base were enough to give even an immortal a headache.
Every one of his deadly white teeth showed as he grinned back. "Bet you're not thinking of her now," he nearly sang, and reached for the volume.
I slapped his hand away and shut off the music. "Don't…"
And what are you going to do to stop me?He crossed his arms with a smirk.
His attempt to distract me nearly succeeded, and I had to admit that not everything about being a vampire was a curse. I would've never had a brother, let alone one as true as Emmett, had Carlisle not made me immortal.
"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Em… and thanks. But I don't think I'll be good company." He shouldn't be burdened with me.
Not even for a little while? We're flying out in a few hours…
"No, you go have fun. I'll be okay," I lied.
His face fell, and he opened the door.No, I don't think you will, Elsa. I hope I'll see you soon.It was clear in his mind that he didn't really expect to see me… possibly ever again. For all his humor, Emmett's view of the world was very clear at times.
"Bye, Em," I said quietly. He was right, I wouldn't enjoy his company soon, if ever. I started the car, not knowing where I was going, reviewing Emmett's words. Maybe Africa would be a good place to start – it was about as far from Forks as possible. Though I doubted that tracking a leopard would be that difficult for me.
Tracking… the word brought back more unpleasant memories. The last tracker I'd encountered had tried to take Anna away from me, and I still regretted that I hadn't been the one to rip his head off. His other companions had fled; Laurent before the fight started, Gerda after it'd ended. She'd stayed loyal to Hans until the end. She was as vicious as he was.
Gerda was still out there, somewhere, hunting humans. It was doubtful she would ever return to this part of the country for years – nomads ran from exposure, making only trivial attempts to mask their kills. Knowing that this area was claimed by our family would be enough to keep a single vampire like Gerda from venturing here again. But she would find other victims, and I knew from her memories that she was brutal with them.
When I realized that I'd parked at the curb in front of Anna's house, I knew I'd found my distraction. Hunting Gerda could be the one thing that could keep my mind off of Anna. Maybe…
Looking at the tiny house, and the old lace curtains hanging in one window in particular, all other thoughts vanished. I could remember every time I'd scaled the wall and opened the window, entering the only heaven I'd know. I turned the CD on again, trying to find some relief from my own memories.
Thankfully David arrived home early, and invited me in. "Anna'll be home soon," he said, looking at his watch. "Ya hungry?"
I just shrugged, and followed him into the house. We exchanged pleasantries about my classes and the quiet day he'd had at the police station. All the while, I was bombarded by the images and temptations of the past. The house carried Anna's scent in its walls, the floor, in its very essence, and the aroma inflamed my throat as always. We sat in the kitchen – the place where I watched her live.
I remembered the pleasure that filled her face when she would sample her cooking; the blush when our hands would touch as we did the dishes; and feeling of unadulterated joy I felt every time she greeted me at the back door, her blue eyes endlessly deep with adoration. It was wrong of me to be here, waiting for her, but this was another piece of my love that I would part with tonight. She wouldn't see me here again. Her life would be her own, untainted by the evil world I bore like a second skin.
David was unaware of my turmoil, and pulled out some leftover pizza while we waited for Anna. I actually had to choke down a couple bites when he eyed me curiously. I hadn't dined with him alone before, and it seemed like he was surprised by my lack of enthusiasm for the food. I couldn't be sure though, and the obscurity of his thoughts were another reminder of the mystery of Anna's mind. Everything led back to her in this place…
Thankfully, dinner didn't last long, and we moved into the family room. As we passed the stairs leading up to Anna's room, I couldn't stop the memories from goading me. In my mind she bounded down the stairs, looking utterly amazing in my favorite dark blue blouse, literally falling like a feather into my arms. I pushed the image away before it could continue…
I sat in the chair – David's normal spot – but he didn't complain. Anna would be home soon, and if I was on the couch she would sit next to me, testing my resolve again. David switched on SportsCenter and slipped in to quiet concentration on the scores as they were displayed on the screen.
He was commenting on the Mariners bullpen when I first heard the truck. She was home.
She ran across the yard, her footfalls a soft padding on the walk. The door hit the side of the house as she entered. "Dad, Elsa?" she called, her voice frantic.
I bit the inside of my lip, hearing her tone. But it was David that was responsible for caring for her – I could no longer fill that role.
"In here," David replied, not responding to her urgency. She appeared, surveying the room with worry in her eyes. She calmed when she saw me, but I didn't meet her gaze.
"Hi," she said timidly. I didn't move, afraid to respond and lose the battle that my body was waging to jump up and hug her.
A hint of confusion wove through David's mind, but he didn't even glance at me. "Hey, Anna. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."
"Okay," she said, and I felt her eyes still on me. She didn't move, waiting for a greeting from me. I had to say something.
I looked at her and smiled, remembering my manners. "I'll be right behind you," I said, then tore my eyes away. Another lie – I wasn't going to leave the chair I was in until I went to the front door.
She sensed my deceit and stared at me, motionless. Eventually she turned on her heel and sprinted into the kitchen, ripping another small piece of my heart away as she did.
The chair scraped against the linoleum as she slid it out from the table and sat down. I couldn't see her, but I could hear her every movement. David asked me something about the football stats on the TV, and I answered, not paying much attention. Anna was just sitting in the kitchen. I hadn't heard the pizza box open, nor had the disgusting smell of pepperoni intensified. Her breathing was labored, and her heart was racing. What was she thinking about?
I crossed and uncrossed my legs, fighting the urge to go to her, and thankfully she calmed. Whatever had bothered her must have resolved itself. She was strong, she would heal. I heard shuffling in the kitchen, and hoped she was finally getting something to eat.
As I settled into the chair again, wishing for the same ability to recover, her pulse jumped again. I tensed, but she rushed up the stairs to her room. I caught a glimpse of her face as she flew by, and determination was all I saw.
The next sounds I heard should have surprised me, but the clicking of the phone camera was just the sort of unpredictable reaction I'd come to expect from Anna. At least something good was coming from her birthday presents.
I was beginning to worry that I would have to go upstairs to say goodnight to her, when she came down the stairs, much slower than she'd gone up. It was the phone that reappeared first, as Anna snapped another photo.
I didn't react, but she had my full attention. She insisted that I take one of her and her father, and I began to grow suspicious. Anna wasn't one for sentimentality, why this sudden interest in preserving the moment?
David volunteered to take one of the two of us, and I lightly touched her shoulder, posing for the picture. She wrapped her arm tightly around me, and I wondered if she'd learned of my plan to go. Had Alice gone to her at work?
I forced my lips into an empty smile when the phone camera flashed. Thankfully David put a stop to the photography after that, and I sat back down, in the chair. Just a few more minutes, then I would go. I kept my eyes on the TV, and away from the stairs only a few feet away.
She sat next to me, on the floor, her breaths coming in fits and starts. There was no scent of tears, so she couldn't be crying—what was distressing her?
It was me, of course. Be it fear, anger, or just frustration, my presence had to be what caused her discomfort. I rose to go.
The sight of her on the floor, wrapped in a ball, crushed me. She was so small, so vulnerable, and she was trembling. Why was I putting her through this? "I'd better get home," I said, hoping she'd be relieved.
"See ya," David said absently.
Anna slowly unfolded herself, leaning on the couch to keep her balance. The urge to help her up was hard to beat back, but as she reached her feet, I exited out the front door. I made a beeline to my car, while she scrambled to keep up.
"Will you stay?" she asked, but her depressed tone told me which answer she expected. As much as I'd hoped that she'd wanted me to go, it was apparent that the opposite was true. I wouldn't be a coward this time, though.
"Not tonight." Not ever again.
The rain began to fall with my words, providing the tears I couldn't cry.
Anna didn't make a move to touch me, but stood back, her arms crossed over her chest. She held all her emotions in, just as I did, watching as I got in and drove away.
I tried not to look at my mirrors, but I couldn't resist. Anna stood motionless in the rain until I was out of sight, silently imploring me to return to her side. Very few of my nights had been spent away from her; I'd only left to go hunting. The thought of spending this night alone, without the sound of her heartbeat to comfort me, brought the lump back to my throat.
It had to be this way – she had to be safe…
Anna wouldn't let go easily, and I would have to hide the rest of my feelings from her if I was to convince her to go on with her life without me. That was tomorrow's task, though; tonight's was facing my father