As I approached the house, the only mind I could sense was Carlisle's. Alice must still be with Jasper; Esme was on her way home from dropping Emmett and Royal at SeaTac airport. Carlisle reviewed one of his favorite medical texts as I parked. He noted my arrival, but didn't stop reading until I stood at his door.
Come in.The tone of his thoughts was calm. Carlisle rarely became angry, and I didn't expect his temper to rear its head tonight.
Have a seat.I also didn't expect to hear Carlisle's voice; with no one else present, he chose not to use it with me. It was a silence I needed to get used to, Anna's sounds would soon be gone from my life forever.
Carlisle evaluated my appearance, and skipped the preamble he'd prepared.You look terrible, Elsa. This plan has not fared well for you.
"No, it hasn't. Butmywelfare is not at issue here, Carlisle, you know that." I looked him in the eye, determined.
Why do you feel that tearing yourself out of Anna's life is the only choice? Treating one injury by causing another is never the answer.He imagined how Anna would feel when she realized that I was leaving her, vividly picturing her tears.
My teeth came together with a snap. "Please, spare me the visuals." I took a slow breath; getting angry served no purpose. "The closer I get to Anna the more injury I cause her. You have been witness to the most graphic examples. This last time it wasn't even an external threat, it was my ownbrotherthat nearly killed her - due in large part tomyextreme thirst. And in my weak attempt to protect her I maimed her. Surely you can picturethatin your mind."
Carlisle looked away, unable to stop the memory of me throwing Anna into the table, of Anna lying in a cacophony of broken glass, frosting, and her own, sweet blood from appearing. My jaw tightened as he winced at the recollection.And you won't even consider alternatives?
Alice's voice rang through his mental ears,"She will become one of us, and soon. This vision won't leave me Carlisle - it's one of the strongest I've ever had."
If you stayed just another year, you could be together forever. I would even consent to helping you, Elsa.
I looked down, overwhelmed by Carlisle's proposition. Never had the thought of turning Anna entered his mind in my presence. He'd been adamant that Emmett would be the last. Only once had I seriously entertained the fantasy of asking, but it was not something I'd ever really considered doing. The fact he would even offer to change Anna stunned me, especially in light of her physical health.
"You would damn her soul to hell, for me?" My word choice was intentional, and Carlisle knew it.
You know my views on that subject. And honestly, it would not be easy for me to do.Carlisle sighed; this offer was not made in haste, and it became clear he'd spent many nights thinking about it when I'd been with Anna.But it is obvious that she is meant to be with you, Elsa, and it seems that she is meant to become an immortal. She doesn't understand what she would be giving up, which is why she needs the time with you. Perhaps you could convince her otherwise, but you have to be with her to do that.
I remembered when Anna bluntly asked Carlisle to change her, little more than twenty four hours ago. "Why didn't you volunteer this service to her yesterday?"
As I told her, this is between the two of you. But should you and she decide that immortality is her destiny, I'll assist you, if necessary. You know that I will do what ever you require of me.
My mind swam with the love Carlisle felt for me, and the memories of Alice's visions of a pale, crimson-eyed Anna. The temptation was so great... and I covered my face with my hands. No, it is wrong for me to dwell on this; she doesn't deserve to suffer in the sleepless, dreamless, hell I was consigned to.
"I can't doom her to my empty existence, Carlisle. She deserves to live, not suffer this unending thirst, fighting the monster within, every second of every endless night. She deserves the heaven I cannot give her." If I could cry, my eyes would be tearing. The thought of her soul being barred from paradise pierced my heart like a stake.
You are more than that monster, Elsa; your ability to love makes youso muchmore. If you weren't, she would have died long ago.Carlisle's eyes softened.The fact that she is alive and in love with you proves that you arenota monster, Elsa. You have risen above the thirst.
"Perhaps. But in realizing that, I know that it is notmylife,mydesires, ormysafety that matters. And my love for her dictates that I have to do what ever it takes to give her whatshedeserves, to protecther." A mental silence formed as Carlisle tried to choose his next words. Another point occurred to me, and I broke the pause first. "When you look at your family, Carlisle, if you could make us human - give us back the life we should have had - would you dothat?"
Carlisle looked away, at the paintings behind me and frowned. His mind sped through the possibilities of what my brothers and sister would say if given the choice to become human. Royal would jump at the chance, and Emmett would follow, without question. Jasper's path was not as clear. He would do almost anything to free himself of the torment of his talent, but wouldn't want to give up the strength and speed that allowed him to protect Alice. Alice had always wondered about being human, but her decision would hinge on Jasper's. Esme would stay with Carlisle, be it as vampire or human. He then looked at me, knowing my choice would be as easy as Royal's.You would choose mortality with her.
Without hesitation I answered. "Yes." The future that could never be flashed before me. Holding Anna with arms that couldn't crush her, kissing her without poisoning her, sleeping -dreaming- of her, and growing old with her. What I wouldn't do for such a future.
The same thoughts paraded through Carlisle's mind.If only I could bestow such a gift.
He had to see that she deserved that human life. "By leaving, Iamgiving her that gift. She can have that life we all should have lived," I said.
Carlisle's face drooped in resignation, and I knew the discussion was at its end.Very well. We'll do as you ask. Esme has found a suitable residence in Ithaca, and has started the necessary arrangements. Is there anything else you need?
"Can you speak to Alice? She is clinging to a future that will not happen, and she needs to leave Anna as much as I do. Please ask her to let Anna go."
Why don't you ask her yourself?
"If she comes back before you leave, I will." I looked away, anticipating his next question.
You are not coming with us?
"No."
Shock coursed through Carlisle's mind.You can't isolate yourself, Elsa, it will only be harder for you. Come with us so that we can help you heal, too.
"I'll catch up with you," I said half-heartedly.
I want your word on that point, he thought sternly.
"I have a few things to do first, but once those tasks are completed, I'll find you." By then, maybe, my heart would heal... but I doubted it. Just the thought of being near my family, hearing their happiness, their completeness with each other, knowing I would never share that joy, made my chest ache. No, I would never return, but Carlisle didn't need to know. I turned to go.
He noted my lack of commitment with a frown, but decided that it was a discussion for another time.What will you do tonight? Your mother will be home soon.
I stopped at the door and pinched my eyes shut at the thought of facing Esme. Without turning around I spoke. "I'm going for a run."
Worry filled Carlisle as I left. Esme's thoughts danced on the fringes of my mind as I exited the house and sprinted away - away from the only family I had.
The forest was dark under the waning moon. Only a hair's-breadth of white shone down as the moon's glow was slowly eclipsed by the earth's shadow. How appropriate, as I was about to push myself out of the only light I'd known.
Anna lingered in my thoughts as always, and I quelled the memory of carrying her weightless body on my back as I ran. I was alone, and would be until my end. I focused on the one task that had yet to be finished - the one thing that might provide a distraction - Gerda.
As much as I hated to admit it, I would need Alice's help to start my search. She could show me where Gerda was headed, give me that first point to begin from. Then I would track the nomad. She wouldn't know that I was coming, so she wouldn't be able to hide for long. As I made my plans to search for her, I found a little peace from the constant pull of Anna's spirit - until I realized where I was.
The light ahead of me brought me to an abrupt stop, and as I stood at the edge of the trees I faced a tiny house with a police cruiser in the driveway. Like a moth drawn to a flame, even when I ran away, I ran to her.
This is so wrong... I tried to turn and go, but my feet wouldn't obey. Her breathing and her pulse were audible from where I stood, and held me in place as if they had shackled me to the ground. I couldn't stop my eyes from finding her window - the portal to my love.
This had to be the last time I came here - Imustdeny myself these temptations. It was so wrong for me to be here.Just one last night, my heart cried.
No, this had to end, my mind argued. Finally I managed to shift my feet and began to look back into the trees when I heard her.
"Elsa, don't," she said in her sleep. "Tell me...please." My heart felt like it would explode, and I'd walked into the yard before I pulled myself up short.
"I love you, Elsa," she sighed in the darkness. The pain was so intense that my vision blurred. It would take less than a second for me to be by her side, feeling her warmth, watching her peaceful face, breathing her scent. She was restless, tossing and turning, continuing to mumble my name. I had to go.
Try as I might, I could not make myself run away, it was as if I was tearing my own arm off to leave, and I couldn't do it. Trembling, I forced myself back to the trees, only to sit in the damp greenery, pulling my knees to my chest. Here I would listen, going no closer. Each beat of her heart reminded me what I had to do; that I had to go. And yet, the gentle pulsing begged me to stay, to love her and protect her fragile heart.
27,630 beats later, the darkness gave way to a pale pink as the sun rose. I rose with it, finding a sad pride in not having fallen to her temptation, even when she woke, sobbing. The pain I was causing her had to stop.
Never again would I come here, and I let this latest bond slip away as I turned and ran. Only one night left.
When I arrived back home I said nothing, and Esme just watched as I went upstairs. Carlisle had spoken to her about honoring my decision, and I heard him quietly remind her as I'd entered. She was trying to avoid thinking about me, busying herself with packing, but her thoughts still drifted to me at regular intervals. Anna's face also floated through her consciousness as Esme mourned the loss and suffering of the girl who could have been her daughter.
I changed, and as I did I tried to convince myself to skip school, to stay away from Anna. I'd made it all night without seeing her... but instead of making it easier for me to leave, I only craved her company that much more. Carlisle needed another day to finish the preparations for the move, and I wouldn't leave until I knew that my family was gone.Take this last chance to be with her,my selfish heart argued... and I headed to my car.
At school, I couldn't help but meet Anna at her truck, and when she arrived, my entire body exploded with longing for her. My absence last night made me even more sensitive to every aspect of her. My thirst burned hotter than it had in recent memory, and I swallowed the copious venom that filled my mouth at her approach.
Her blood is what I want most of all,I reminded myself,sheismy natural prey.
I managed to keep my eyes off of Anna for most of the day, and said hardly a dozen words to her. All the while the emotional upheaval raged in me; the joy at being with my love, the despair of separating myself from her, and the dark apprehension of the looming final farewell.
My only contact came when she was so distracted in English that she didn't hear her name after two attempts. I whispered the answer, unable to stomach the scolding she would get for not paying attention. She responded, avoiding any further questions from the teacher, and I went back to shutting myself off from her. Why was I even here? I should have left by now... this was just prolonging her discomfort. But I owed her that last goodbye...
At lunch Anna pulled her phone out of her backpack and handed it to Jeremy. Soon the roll of film was full of idiotic shots of the adolescent humans around me. Seeing the camera flash reminded me that I needed to erase all evidence of my existence in Anna's life, and I sadly realized that I would have to visit her room one last time. It was not something I looked forward to.
The school day ended, and I saw Anna off, again with nary a word, and without a kiss. Thankfully she didn't ask if I would be visiting her tonight; the answer would not have pleased her. I left the campus and drove to a distant entrance of the national park. With time tokillon my hands, I planned to do just that - and sped off into the forest to hunt. I would need all my strength to finally leave Anna, permanently.
This hunt was a chore, and I took no pleasure in it. The deer were too easy to find, too easy to kill, and too soon I was finished. My animalistic side never really took over, and the whole exercise was competed with the efficiency of a machine. So much for trying to distract myself. I considered forcing myself deeper into the park and hunting for larger game, but knew the results would be the same. After filling myself with deer blood, I made my way home.
Before the house even came into view I knew who was waiting to meet me. Alice and Esme were talking, and as I neared, Alice began to repeat the memory of visions she'd had of Anna through her mind, knowing I would see them. Surprisingly, Jasper was with them, quietly attempting to read. He was jumpy, anticipating my arrival. His worries revolved around Alice, though, not himself. What was Alice planning to say to me? I slowed, and considered turning around.
Don't bother, Elsa. No matter when you come back I'll be here,Alice threatened. Through Jasper's eyes I saw her frown, and Carlisle's mind shifted from the newspaper he was reading to her.
"Alice..." he warned as I parked.
I came in through the kitchen, and didn't stop on my way to my room. Alice's rebellious thoughts hadn't ceased, and she put voice to them. "Do you know what this is going to do toher,Elsa?" she sneered before I could reach the stairs. Her mind filled with an image of Anna curled in a ball, crying in the dark. It was impossible to tell where she was, surrounded by blackness.
"Stop it Alice. You think I don't know that she is going to suffer again because of me?" I said sharply, and started up the steps. The image was brutal - seeing Anna so alone, so sad because of me. At least this would be the last time Anna cried on my account.
"What aboutyourfuture, Elsa?" Alice said, raising her voice. Her mind filled with an image of me in a ball this time - but I was already familiar with that feeling. "You aren't going to be in any better shape."
The pain in my chest exploded, and I squeezed the banister so hard that I left a handprint in the solid oak. Slowly I turned around to face my sister. "You can stop watching me as well. If you must look ahead, then show me where I'm going." I snarled. A black-headed vampire flashed through my mind briefly, and I ground my teeth together.
"You know it doesn't work that way-I can't just shut you out. You think I haven't tried before?" Her tone became accusatory. "You think that you are an island; that your life doesn't matter to anyone, even to us. Quit being such a martyr, Elsa."
As Alice vented, Jasper tensed, and Esme and Carlisle prepared to intervene, but she didn't stop. "I don't think you even know how to be happy. You find the perfect mate, and then throw her love away like it's a piece of garbage." At her words I stepped toward her, my fists clenched.
Carlisle stepped in front of me as Jasper sprang in front of his mate. "Alice, that's enough."Calm down, Elsa, he thought.
Don't threaten her, Elsa,Jasper thought vehemently.
"I thought you were her friend," I bellowed back. "Itreated her like garbage?" I glared at Jasper, and Carlisle put his hands on my shoulders. "You're the one who'd throw her humanity away like it's a worthless piece of refuse. 'Just a quick nip, Elsa, that's all it'd take,' you said, like she was a flask of brandy. And you have the gall to call hersister?"
"STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!"Esme screamed at the top of her lungs. The sound, shrill and fearful froze us all in our tracks. "I can't take this any more." She rushed past me up the stairs and slammed the door of her room. I covered my eyes with my hand as I listened to her thoughts.
Our family is falling apart around us. Why? What have I done wrong? All of my children are hurting... and there's nothing I can do. They don't deserve this...the thoughts shrieked through Esme's head as loud as if she were still shouting right next to me. They easily overwhelmed the concerns of everyone else. She cried tearlessly, and her outburst only added to the agony I already felt.
It was all my fault, and I just continued to inflict pain. Now my mother was grieving, too. I had to get away from everyone.
"I'm sorry. Carlisle, you'd better go to her. Please tell her I'm so sorry for hurting her, too," I said softly and turned back to the stairs.
"Elsa please, this isn't the way," Alice pleaded, and Carlisle paused, waiting to see if he needed to intercede again.
"Regardless of what you think, Alice, this is my call. I need your promise that you will stay away from Anna."
"But..."
Carlisle turned to her and Jasper, raising his voice for the first time in years. "No more arguing." Alice swallowed, recognizing our father's frustration, and his tone quieted. "You may not agree, Alice, but the decision has been made. Do you intend to honor it, or defy Elsa's wishes?" He peered down at her, hoping she would give up her crusade, even though he thought she was right.
Jasper took her in his arms, whispering so softly in her ear that neither of us could hear him. She nodded.
"We promise to honor Elsa's request to stay away from Anna," Jasper said solemnly.
"Alice?" I knew she was trying to find a loop hole, something that would allow her to contact Anna, but she finally gave up.
"I promise."But I'll be right behind you when you come back.She reviewed a different vision she'd had, one of Anna wrapping her arms around me, both of us dressed in the gold of Forks High School's graduation gowns.
The conjecture had to stop. "And don't be looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage. There's only one thing I'm interested in," I said, ignoring her thoughts. She already knew what I was planning to do, and could provide me the starting point for my search, if she chose to.
She turned on her heel and picked up a suitcase that had been sitting by the door. In her mind I saw Gerda stalking a tent in the wilderness. As the black-head tore the shelter open and attacked the occupant, I saw a map next to the victim, the title clearly visible. "Thank you," I said before I flew up the stairs to my room. I closed the door behind me, but still heard the conversation downstairs.
"Carlisle, do you want me to go to Esme?"Jasper said. He was ready to calm her, if necessary.
"No. Just meet us at the house."Carlisle replied, putting his hand on my brother's shoulder.Maybe having everyone else around her will help, he thought.
Jasper nodded somberly - his plan to sulk back into solitude put on hold.
Alice gave one more thought to our mother as she considered saying goodbye, but took Jasper's hand. The only future she could see showed Esme crying in Carlisle's arms. "We'llbe there," she said. On the way to the garage she got in one more parting shot.All of this will be for nothing...
I tried to block out the sounds and thoughts as Carlisle consoled Esme, but couldn't, and suffered with them. Eventually he convinced her to go for a walk, and they too exited the house. I was alone.
So much strife I'd caused. Hopefully there would be peace for everyone once I'd gone.
It was only a few hours until school, and then it would be time to say goodbye to Anna forever. My legs began to shake, threatening to collapse as the prospect of eternity without her crushed me. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and tried to pull myself together.She had to be safe, I reminded myself. My feet finally began to take commands again and I moved to my computer.
After a quick search, I found the area I'd seen in Alice's vision, as well as what may have been one of Gerda's previous victims. It wouldn't take me long to get there. She wouldn't be taking human life for much longer.
After scanning a few articles about killings in the same area, I selected my destination. The computer screen blinked off and I moved to my closet.
I reached deep into the back corner, finding my large, black leather satchel. It had been a long time since I'd used a bag like this; it was reserved for long trips away from home. A very similar bag was on my shoulder the day I left Carlisle and Esme nearly eighty years ago to embrace the monster within me. Esme had cried that day, too.
The lump in my throat reappeared, but I hoped that it would be easier for her this time. Her family had grown so large since then, and all of her other children would stay. They would make her happy again.
I randomly selected some clothes and packed them in the bag, then retrieved the small box containing my extra IDs and money. After sorting through the stack of passports, credit cards, and driver's licenses I selected a few and put them in the bottom of the bag, along with a stack of cash. I then slipped my black leather jacket off its hanger and emerged from the closet.
There was another box on the shelf-the one that held the few trinkets that reminded me most of Anna. The thought of taking it vanished as soon as it appeared. The last thing I needed was more reminders of her; I already saw her face every time I closed my eyes. I emerged from the closet and glanced around my pitiful room once, looking to see if there was anything else worth taking. The shelves containing my CDs and my very few books stared back at me, but neither held any interest. The hunt would be the only reason I would exist, and after I found my quarry, I would wait. As I extinguished the light and closed the door to my room my chest became an empty void. My life, what it was, would end all too soon