It was just what Harry hated most- double potions with the slytherins. They had only been back three weeks, and already Harry had been handed his second detention by Snape. He was really trying this year too, which made Snape's unashamed targeting of him particularly unfair. For the first week he kept his head down and held his tongue.
For the second, he couldn't help resentment creeping in. By the third, he was moaning loudly to Ron and hermione about how unfair it all was.
One night, not so long into the school year, they found themselves in the familiar common room, in the familiar possession: Hermione working, Ron eating sweets, Harry brooding.
"I don't know why it's getting to me so much." Harry said, staring into the fire. "I just hate this feeling. It's so unfair. I keep feeling like...I don't know, like I want to do something."
"It's Guilt" hermione said tartly. "You feel guilty for how rude you've been to him. I still remember that time you attacked him in our third year."
"You attacked him too!" Harry spluttered, remembering vividly that time in the shrieking shack.
"Yes but I apologized. I sent him a letter and a basket of singing fruit that summer." Hermione said, a hint of pride in her voice. "And he's actually been rather nice to me ever since. Well. As nice as he gets anyway." She added quickly.
"Really?" Harry said
"that certainly doesn't sound like him" Ron chimed in "You just can't accept that some teachers are rubbish hermione"
But something clicked with Harry. This strange neediness suddenly had a name; guilt, maybe even shame. He wanted to be on good terms with Snape. Suddenly, he wanted it more than anything else in the world. Snape was a link to his family. Really, the only link, with Black dead and Lupin undercover. He had to try. His insides squeezed with a sudden desperation and he jumped to his feet.
"Yeah, maybe I should apologize too" he said, grabbing a quill and particularly nice piece of parchment.
"Oh harry!" Hermione squealed in excitement.
"No one ever listens to me. " Ron moaned.
But when he sat back down, he realized it was a lot easier said than done. It took him over two hours to get the letter exactly right, and it was only a few words. He couldn't bring himself to be too apologetic (there were something's he'd never apologize for- like being his father's son. If Snape couldn't get over that, well…he felt himself shaking with rage at the thought.) but at the same time...he did feel a little bit bad, looking back.
"Professor snape," the letter read "I wonder if I could have a moment of your time? I've had some time to think over the summer and I've realized that there are somethings I need to apologize to you for. And some things to thank you for. Would you have time to discuss this? If not, know that I am sorry for many of the things that have happened between us. Harry Potter"
He gave it to hedwig late that night, secretly hoping for a response before breakfast, carefully feigning disinterest in front of Ron and hermione.
Severus, meanwhile was having a horrible night. He had to grade essays on shrinking solutions and he still had to finish all of the Ravenclaw's. God they were insufferable know it alls, essays twice as long as he assigned, with an arrogant, contemptuous tone, as if they were teaching him...brats. He jumped at the tapping of the window. He knew it was from Harry as soon as he saw hedwig, and his heart sank. He let her in and ripped the letter open open, already angry. His jaw dropped. He read it three or four times before he sat down to write.
"Mr Potter,
I am utterly shocked to receive your letter"
And there he stopped, clueless as to what to say next. He started at the letters, for once utterly stupefied. His first thought was that it simply must be a trap of some kind. But what? To get him alone to duel him? A twisted smile played at Severus's lips. If that was the reason, Harry would deeply regret it. But it didn't totally make sense as a reason...why not duel him in detention? They were alone then too. He couldn't make any sense of it. All he knew was no son of James Potter could ever be good news.
Two weeks he made Harry wait. He was sure it was a trap somehow.
Each day, Harry became more and more desperate, more and more scared. His heart skipped a beat every time he saw Severus- and sank when he left.
Eventually, even Severus knew he could wait no longer. One evening in the start of October, he wrote-
"Dear Mr Potter,
I am utterly shocked to receive your letter, and though I am curious I simply do not have the time to listen to senseless drivel too late to make any difference."
He attached it to a regular school owl, returning quickly to grading papers.
Harry has been expecting this, but it was still an intense blow. He refused to admit (even to himself) that his bottom lip trembled slightly and his eyes watered. But he still knew what he wanted to say. Harry's response was instant.
"Professor- I understand, I don't mean to demand even more of your time. Thank you for everything you've done. And I'm sorry for many things."
Severus was shocked to receive a reply. He sat back in his arm chair and sighed as a thought reluctantly bubbled to the surface; he's Lilly's son too.
Relcuntangly, he wrote back.
"Mr Potter. I have to admit I am curious. And I perhaps have time. When do you propose meeting?"
This stunned Harry. He was just getting into his pajamas, reluctantly surrendering to another night of awful sleep and broken dreams, when hedwig swooped in, looking particularly proud of herself and dropping the letter right on top of him. He read it with trembling hands and a massive, foolish grin. He raced back down to the common room, only half dressed, retrieving his best parchment to write back. He was so excited, he blotted the page in his haste, but he figured he had to catch Severus when he was still in this forgiving mood.
"Professor- whenever is convenient for you. Wherever you'd like. We could do the room of requirement sometime this week? Or I could take you out for a drink at the next Hogsmeade weekend?"
Harry was secretly hoping that Severus wouldn't go for that last suggestion. It was a long way away, not for another 3 weeks and Harry was too impatient for that. The response surprised him.
"Potter- let's do Hogsmeade. The three broomsticks, this Friday at 7. It's not an official Hogsmeade weekend, that's never seemed to have stopped you before."
Hardy ignored this dig. He had the feeling it would be the first of many. He agreed eagerly, Friday suddenly seemed a long way away.
And then it was Friday and Harry desperately wished he had more time. What was he going to say? What was Snape going to say? What should he wear? For this last question, he took Hermione's advice.
"Better to go overdressed than underdressed." She said, looking up from "a standard book of spells, grade six". "He'll know your serious that way. Go too causal and he might read it as insulting. He is a bit sensitive"
Harry agreed, in theory. But he seemed to have three types of clothes; ridiculously formal, hand downs from Dudley, and his quidditch robes, none of witch fit the bill.
Eventually, he borrowed a well fitting blue button up from Dean Thomas and used a quick shrinking charm on a pair of Dudley's old jeans. They actually fit rather well by the time he was done with them. He added a quick cologne charm and threw on his invisibility cloak, making his way silently down to the village. Hermione muttered a soft "good luck" as she felt him pass by.
The closer he got to Hogsmeade the more real it got, the more he wished he could cancel. But that would be tantamount to suicide as snape would surely kill him.
He was kicking himself for this stupid idea as he sat down at a back table. He was also ridiculously early (almost an hour) he was so afraid of being late. His breathing was unsteady and he was just wondering if he was devolving into a full blown panic attack when Snape passed by the window- and suddenly everything got worse.
He swore his heart skipped a beat and legs twitched so hard he had to steady the table. But as the door opened and the man himself stepped in, Harry felt something else, a steely resolve not to let anything show. Not to be beaten. He took a deep breath and planted a smile on his face. He stood most courteously as Snape approached. (He was, once again, utterly shocked and made no effort to hide his astonishment that Harry was capable of good manners).
They both sat down and Harry felt, weirdly, oddly calm. "Thanks for meeting me." He started. Severus merely nodded.
For his part, he was still certain this was a trap of some kind. He simply couldn't believe that Harry's motives were pure, and more than anything, he had come to find out what was really going on. Maybe this was all a prelude to asking him a favor? Maybe Harry had tricked him into leaving the castle to the rest of his nasty friends could steal from him again. He'd be doing a most careful inventory that night.
"So, I-" but before Harry could say any more, Madame Rosmerta had come with menus.
Severus didn't need it, he knew exactly what he was having. The most expensive thing on the menu. He ordered a shockingly expensive glass of wine and smirked when Harry let out a sound, as if he had somehow found the edge of his sincerity already.
"Is there a problem?" Severus asked silkily, daring Harry to protest.
"Actually, I thought we might like to get a bottle. We could need it tonight."
Severus shrugged, "as long as you can handle it, I have no intention of dragging you back to the castle."
Harry fought to keep his temper and spoke through gritted teeth. "I'll be fine." He straightened up to speak to Madam Rosmerta, who seemed to be particularly entertained by this conversation. He had a feeling she'd be eavesdropping a lot.
"How about a bottle of this Abreu Cabernet Sauvignon Thorevilos?" Severus suggested maliciously. Again, it was the most expensive thing.
"Sure" Harry said, not bothering to look at it. He just wanted a drink. All wine tasted the same to him anyway.
Madame Rosmerta hurried off before they could change their mind, excited to make such a big sale.
"Shouldn't you have looked at that?" Severus said, disapproval evident in his voice. He had a sudden, horrific realization that Harry might be expecting him to pay. That would absolutely not be happening.
"Not really." Harry said. "You seemed to be excited about it, and I'm not picky, so…"
"You're picky about the price, I presume."
"Not really." Harry said again. "Money is made to be spent, isn't it? That's the point of it. And plus, Ron and Hermione don't let me spend money on them. I think their embarrassed they can't reciprocate. It makes a nice change, actually. How much was it anyway?" He asked as an afterthought.
"Well over a thousand gallons" Severus replied, stunned. And a little impressed.
"Ah, well it's worth it if you enjoy it" Harry said easily. That amount was simply not a problem for him. "Now, shall we start-"
But Madame Rosmerta was back. In fact, she was back with a whole host of people, each congratulating them on their recent purchase. The chief practically begged them on bended knee to allow him to make a dish for them, specially paired to the wine. Harry said yes in an effort to make them go away, Severus seemed genuinely excited.
Finally, at long last, they were left alone. Harry made eye contact with Severus and quickly looked away again. Suddenly he wished those people were back, to save him from having to-
"So what did you want to say?" Severus asked.
"Uhhhhhh." Harry started. He fidgeted nervously. "I don't really know where to begin, there's a lot of stuff… actually, I made a list." And from his robes he unrolled two large scrolls of parchment.
Severus merely watched. He was impressed, he had to admit it to himself. Harry had put effort into this. The thought that this may all be genuine made him incredibly uncomfortable. The possibility that Harry wasn't manipulating him had in that moment just occurred to him. He took a large gulp of wine, trying to wash the idea back down.
"Alright. So first of all, I wanted to generally apologize for all of those times I was rude to you or yelled at you."
Severus made a strange sort of choking noise, somewhere between disbelief and agreement.
"I know there have been a lot of times… I can't remember all of the honestly. But there are a few that really stand out in my mind…"
He even had subsections in his notes. Hermione had helped. Actually, she very annoyingly kept reminding him of times he'd been awful. But he guessed that was helpful, in a way.
Eventually the food came, and it was truly delicious. Severus had to admit...it wasn't the worst night he'd ever had. A Thousand galleon bottle of wine, and his least favorite student begging forgiveness. It felt good. Not an emotion Severus was expecting. But why?! Why was Harry doing this, he wondered. The question gnawed at him.
"Okay" Harry said, in between bites of pork. "I want you to know that I didn't steal that gillyweed from you-"
"Potter why on earth would I believe that? The whole school knew you weren't ready for that challenge. And then I get robbed and you just happen to have that exact same thing the next day. Don't be insane Potter. Insane and insulting, that you expect me to believe that." Severus was back to being pissed off again, certain he was being lied too.
"It's the truth." Harry started. Severus snorted. "It is! Look...I'm friends with this house elf. And he knew I was struggling, like you said, and he stole it for me. I didn't know he was going to do it! I certainly didn't ask him too. But when he arrived with it… I couldn't say no." Harry explained, mainly to his half eaten food. He couldn't bare to look Severus in the face.
"You have always had remarkably loyal friends" Severus said, slowly, suspiciously. "But how do you expect me to believe a story which so conveniently absolves you from any guilt?"
Harry gulped. He had been dreading this question. "Because...I'll be honest about the time I actually did steal from you."
He snuck a look at Severus. His eyes flashed dangerously and his nostrils were flared. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to butcher Harry right on the was probably a good thing they met in public.
"Go on," Severus said, voice cold enough to freeze waves. "Enlighten me." He took another large gulp of wine, almost finishing the entire glass in one mouthful.
Harry said it in a rush. "Do you remember that time in my second year when someone threw a firework into a cauldron? Well, that was us and we stole quite a lot from your private stock."
Rage exploded inside Severus, worse than he had ever felt before. In an instant he had drawn his wand. Under the table, he sent a powerful curse at Harry, binding his legs with hot irons, burning and squeezing him. Harry shook, breathing deeply, trying to manage the pain.
Severus stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He stalked away, coming to rest against an old house. And he laughed. It was the first deep, aching laugh he'd had in years. And he didn't understand why he was doing it or where it had come from. He knew he must look completely deranged. But it felt so good to be vindicated. He had known, he had been sure for years. He told dumbledore, he told McGonagall. None of them believed him. At the thought of them, he became quite still, any laughter dying in the wind. He marched back.
"Do you know how much that fucked me over?" Severus asked, leaning close.
"No…" Harry said, in fear and pain.
"I knew it was you. I always have done. Like I know it was you who saved Buckbeak and I know you can sneak into Hogsmeade. I told Dumbledore, I told McGonagall. I even warned the Weasley's and every one of them laughed at me. They believe me when I spy for the dark lord, they make me risk my neck for the barest scrap of information. But when it comes to you, suddenly anything I say is laughable, suddenly it doesn't matter. No matter how much proof I have, you are always trusted, always believed, no matter how stupid and reckless you are. And I am thrown away. And that's why I hate you."
That strange hysteria was back again. He couldn't tell if he was going to laugh or cry, he just knew he wanted to hurt Harry.
"And that time. With the firecracker, you hurt your fellow students, remember? And no one, I don't care who you are, should be able to get away with attacking another student. So I pushed it. I wanted you to be questioned. That's all, it's not a lot to ask, is it? Dumbledore wouldn't hear of it, probably knew you were guilty, I expect. But I wouldn't let it go, I threatened to quit, I threatened to get the school board involved. (Didn't you ever wonder why they did nothing? Malloy's own son?) he stepped in before I could do anything. He said that it wasn't a firecracker, he said it was faulty equipment, said it was my fault for not checking them properly. He brought new cauldrons. And he took it out of my pay. It was more than everything I earn in a year, I worked for nothing, for an entire year to cover your stupidity."
He lifted the curse from Harry's legs. Harry gasped and bent low over the table, trying not to scream, not to cry.
"So while I appreciate your apology, Potter, it does nothing for me." And with that he grabbed the bottle of wine and left, making his way back to the castle.
Harry stayed for a long time, shaking.