Professor Muggle and the Secret Author

by MuggleBeene

Professor Muggle is once again called upon by the Auror Department, this time to help investigate the publication of the popular, but blatantly incorrect story of Harry Potter called The Potter Adventure Series. A contagion threatens the magical population as well, specifically his friends the Malfoys. Can Hank discover the author and escape the magical disease?

6. Funeral for a Friend

Chapter 6: Funeral for a Friend

Since I had nothing else to do in that damned white hospital room I read the file I got from Draco. My books were being published illegally, that was for sure, because I hadn't seen a single Gnut from the sales. Not surprisingly the textbook wasn't bothered with, since the market for illegal texbooks was almost non-existent, but they were publishing My Wand is Useless at an impressive clip. I knew it had been published and reprinted once, with a number for the second run that Ian thought was proper but I knew was optimistic. It had sold in decent numbers but Coswock, my stupid press agent/publisher, was certain that it would be read in even greater quantities, which left me with a good stock in my shed. I had at least three boxes in there. The fact that the American illegal press was publishing Useless in decent numbers was a shock. My guess was that it was the connection to Harry, Ron and the rest of my friends that was the real draw.

Draco had been right, as they had traced the initial run of Useless back to that crazy wizard with the giant glasses from the now-shuttered bookstore in Rue Avenue. Apparently his winning streak at painful poker had caught up with him, as one of the low-lifes in the game had been arrested for something and, since he'd lost a ton of cash to the glasses guy, he gave up as much information as he knew. He also accused glasses guy of cheating, so no ill deed goes unpunished. Draco's people had traced the printing to somewhere in Mississippi, as that's where the distribution originated from, but by the time the AAB had investigated they'd moved the operation to somewhere else.

I'd gleaned that much information when a Healer came in and did some tests. I'd been in the magical world for some time, but I'd never really been in hospital except when I got roughed up back in my first year and then with Melody for when the kids were born, so it was a real eye-opener. I expected, for some reason, for it to be better. Magic seemed to make some of the boring stuff go away, things like waiting for a ride, stuff like that, but in that stupid hospital room nothing could alleviate the boredom.

I was absolutely, utterly, bored out of my fucking mind. I missed my wife, I missed my kids and the craziness, I missed my dog Spit and my cats, even including Churchill, Melody's cat who really couldn't be arsed to pay attention to me unless I provided food. I really missed Virgil, my giant grey cat who always seemed to be smarter than most cats. I missed a lot of things, because the room was like a goddamned sensory-deprivation chamber. Nothing.

Finally, after what seemed like two-hundred days a Healer came in, waved her wand at me and then scribbled something down on the parchment covered clipboard.

"Mister Boyd, we believe you are no longer contagious, and we will release you shortly, but you will be monitored."

She waved her wand at me again and a little blue and white bracelet fastened around my right wrist. "What the...great. Just great." I messed with the bracelet for a second before I realized that the only way the damned thing was coming off is the way it went on; magic. "Ok, fine. So what's this thing do? I feel like I've been arrested and shit."

The Healer looked irritated, as if she had to explain to a toddler why water was wet for the forty-ninth time in an hour. "It simply monitors your vitals. All the information will be inserted into your file, and if we see anything alarming your location will appear on our files for your immediate transport."

I sat there for a while until it sunk in. "So it's like a portkey that's activated if stuff goes bad, right? Ok, fine. Will it work when I go back home?" I saw her shake her head negatively. "Jesus, so I have to stay here? That's not gonna work, my family, my job, everything's over there, I'm just here for a visit, and now you're trapping me here until..."

"Mister Boyd."

I couldn't help it; I was mad. "Professor. I'm a professor."

"Yes. Well then, Professor, since you didn't let me finish, it will work while you're here and then when you return home St. Mungo's will repeat the process. You'll be released soon, so let me start the process." With a nasty look and another wand-wave my hospital gown disappeared.

She gave me a smarmy look and left the room, and like before the door melted back into the wall, leaving no way for me to leave. Not that I would anyway, sitting there on the bed buck-ass naked with only my glasses and that stupid bracelet.

By the time Ron came in with a Healer to collect me I was freezing my nuts off. Ron, of course, thought it was hilarious, which didn't help. At least he had enough kindness to lend me his Auror robe.

"You can keep it. Don't want it after it's been in contact with your bits and bum."

"Thanks, Ron. Really." I put on the robe while on the bed, trying to cover things. After I stood up, grabbed the file that Draco left and exited the room I turned to the Healer. "So can I have my clothes now?"

"Sorry, but no. They were destroyed. Possible contamination. Your wallet and other effects are at the Healer's station."

"Great." I ran my hand through what was left of my hair as we walked down the hallway. "Really fucking great. So now what?"

"Merlin, calm down." Ron shook his head. "Harry went to go get some things from the Bon Charme."

We followed the Healer to the station where they gave me back all of my stuff. As I put on my watch I realized I'd been in there for two days. "Sonofabitch! Two days? No wonder I was bored out of my mind!" I turned to Ron. "You're an Auror, arrest them for illegal detainment or something."

Ron shook his head. "Sorry, mate. Can't do it, since, well, we're in the UMS and I have no authority. Plus, it's the whole 'emergency disease' thing. Come on, let's get you signed out so we can go to your mum's. You do want to see your mum, right?"

"Yeah, I do, but I know how that'll go. 'Oh what's that on your wrist? WHAT? You were here in America and IN THE HOSPITAL and didn't call me?' Yeah, that'll be a blast." Ron gave me a look like I was being thick. "What?"

"Amateur hour, mate. You've spoken to my mum for more than five minutes, right?"

"Shit. Yeah, sorry. And hell, Ron, I'm not even her kid and she...stop laughing. Fine. Let's get me some clothes and get out of this fucking place."

-ooo-

I'd been to visit Mom and Dad in their new place before, but I'd never really stayed there. Arriving by Floo was a first. Of course, the fireplace is out in Dad's shed. Can't really have a big fireplace in Florida; looks all weird. Well, that's what Dad said, anyway. So I arrived via Floo with Ron, wearing my normal Florida stuff and Ron in his Auror robe, complaining that he was sweating his arse off, but as soon as we got in the house Mom fixed that with two big ice-cold glasses of sweet tea. Ron didn't look too enthusiastic about the sweet tea, but he was hot and all those years of Molly hammering on him to be a good guest fixed that up right away. I took the opportunity to use Mom's phone to call Mel and tell her that I was ok. Harry had contacted her about me being in the hospital, standard Auror procedure, he said, but I know him better than that. She was worried, but I assured her my crap magical abilities had paid off finally. She was also worried about Astoria, which surprised me a bit. I knew they got along ok but still. Eventually she had to go, since it was very early in Stintborough, but she said not to worry since she'd be up with Virginia soon anyway. After the normal 'I miss you and love you' bits I hung up the phone and returned to Mom and Ron. It was while we were sitting in the sunroom, drinking tea that Mom surprised me.

"Hank, they gave you a clean bill of health, didn't they?"

You could have knocked me over with a feather. "Uh, yeah. How'd you find out?"

"Lavender stopped by the other day and told me. She and Ron kept me up to date so I wouldn't worry."

I glanced over to Ron and he gave me a weak smile. "Thanks, Ron. Really, thanks. I appreciate it." I took a drink and turned back to Mom. "Yeah, it's really nothing for me since I really don't have any magic. Astoria Malfoy is..."

"Oh that poor thing." Mom shook her head. "She's such a nice girl, and that little boy is such a sweet child. I need to send her something. And Draco, what's he doing? He can't be eating right. I should make up some things to send over."

"Mom? You know the Malfoys? And Scorpius? How...what?"

"Oh yes." She nodded. "Your dad and I ran into them at an AAB thing with Nate and Lavender. She's such a nice girl, so I invited them over for supper. We had a nice evening. Did me good to see a little one since I don't see yours that often."

I looked over to Ron and he was doing a horrible job of not smirking. "Well, Mom, we do live in Scotland. And you were just over when Virginia was born. You know you and Dad are welcome anytime, I'm sure Mel would like that, especially now since she's outnumbered."

Mom didn't say anything for a bit but then she suddenly stood up. "Ron, can you help me with the Floo thing? I want to call Draco Malfoy. Who's watching Scorpius now, with her in the hospital?"

"Sure, Mrs. Boyd." Ron stood up and gave me a funny look. "Not sure where he is right now, though. Hospital's probably the best bet."

"Mom? What are you doing?" I got up and followed them out of the room and out to the shed. "And Draco said Scorpius is with their nanny."

"A nanny? Oh goodness, that's not right. I'll have him stay with me for a while. He liked it here, we had him play with all the toys we've accumulated over the years that I couldn't part with, not to mention the things..."

"Ok, Ok, Mom. If you're sure." I looked at Ron and he just smiled. A quick Floo call to the hospital later Draco agreed to bring Scorpius over, and afterwards when Mom hurried back into the house to get things ready Ron leaned over.

"Now you know why she and Mum get on like a house on fire."

"Shut up, Weasley."

Mom threw on her apron and started making about a million things, which made Ron happy. Bottomless pit Weasley. We sat at the table while Mom cooked, and it was weird. I'd done that a million times before, but never really in this house. Dad was due back in a few hours, as he was golfing with an old insurance buddy who had also moved to Florida, so we sat there and listened as Mom told us what was going on. My family was doing well, she and Dad had traded in my old Audi on a car for her, she'd been volunteering at the nursing home, cooking for them, as well as some other charities as well as being involved with a supper club and book club. Dad had tried to get that old VW Karmann-Ghia of my aunt's running again but gave up and sold it to a sixteen year-old kid for his first car. Good luck, kid. Other than that she wanted to know how things were in the UK. Poor Ron, he got a lot of questions, but not too many since she kept in contact with the Grangers. Apparently they were planning a holiday soon; Dad was going to rent an RV and they were planning on showing the Grangers the US. That was news to Ron.

In the middle of making pie crust she stopped and turned around, a sad look on her face. "Hank, I'm so sorry about Doctor Eittel. I didn't know him that well, but I know how much he meant to you. He and Lindell visited us a couple of years ago, on their way down to Key West. Your dad and I took them out to eat, and it was a nice visit. So sad. I think about Lindell rambling about in that house all alone and it breaks my heart."

"Yeah." I nodded. "Threw me for a fucking loop."

"Hank! Language."

"Yeah, well, sorry Mom. You had a card you wanted me to take to the funeral?"

"I do, it's on the table by the door, but never mind that right now. Please give Lindell our condolences."

"I will, Mom."

Ron cleared his throat. "Speaking of the funeral, I'm your escort. Sorry, mate. Auror Department orders, especially since you were in hospital. But since there'll be more Muggles than magicals there we have to drive up. You don't mind driving, do you?"

"No, I don't mind, but I don't have a car. Plus, that's in Virginia and, shit, sorry, Mom, it'll take at least a day and a half of driving, maybe two. Funeral's on Saturday, so...crap. We can't stay long, then."

Ron looked at his watch. "I'm sure we've got time to eat, though, right?"

"Of course you'll have something to eat, Ron." Mom nodded. "And you can borrow my car, Hank. It's in the garage." She glanced at Ron. "But I'm not sure how comfortable you boys will be in it." She walked over and pulled the keys off of a little hook by the back door. "Why don't you check it out? I've got to get these pies in and get the spare room ready for Scorpius."

I elbowed Ron, took the keys from Mom and headed out to the garage. "Ok, let's see what Mom got this time. She was talking about a Prius the last time I talked to her, but hopefully Nate talked her out of that." I opened the garage door and there it was. "Oh no fucking way, really, Mom? Sonofabitch. She bought a goddamned Smart car."

"Smart?" Ron laughed. "More like Small. I think I have shoes bigger'n that thing."

I opened it up and pushed my glasses to the top of my head. "No fucking way. I'm not riding in this thing all the way to Virginia. No fucking way. And where the holy hell am I supposed to put luggage?" I opened the back hatch and stuck my hand in there to show Ron how small it was and my hand went right in, as well as my arm, all the way to my armpit. "What the fuck?"

Ron took out his wand and waved it over the car. "Undetectable extension charm. Probably Lavender or your brother got one of his lot to do magic stuff to it like they did to your van. You know, before you fucked it up."

"Whatever, Ron. And that van got us out of Hogwarts when we needed it. I don't care if you can put the giant fucking squid in that thing, I'm not riding all the way in that thing. And your legs won't fit, and I'm not pulling over every five minutes so you can stretch. You'd bitch the whole way. Fuck it, I'm calling Nate."

I took out my mobile but the battery was flat. Fuck. Ron and I went back inside and I just shook my head at Mom. "Sorry, Mom, but I can't drive that thing. It's like a toy."

Mom rolled her eyes. "You boys. Your brothers said the same thing. Lavender likes it. I had her do a few..."

"Yeah, I saw that, Mom. Great for groceries and stuff, but I don't think Ron'll even fit in there."

"Oh." She wiped her hands on her apron. "Nate doesn't fit, so I suppose Ron won't either. Well, I guess you'll have to call your brother or hope your dad lets you borrow his, but I don't think he'll want to. Nate got him a car and he's rather...particular about it."

"Crap, what'd he get?"

"It's a Porsche Cayenne. Horrible mileage but he loves the thing."

"Fuck."

"Hank!"

"Sorry, Mom, it's just everybody in my family has cool cars. Well, your car isn't cool, sorry, it isn't, but really? A Cayenne?"

Mom's tone was rather brusque. "He's retired, Hank, let him have a bit of fun. And Nate got a really good price on it, too. It has a lot of miles, but it was well maintained. Why don't you call your brother and see if he has any connections down here? I'm sure someone will help you." She picked up the phone and handed it to me. "It's speed dial four."

I took the phone from her and couldn't help ask. "Who're the other ones?"

"Your dad is one, Jen is two, your house is three, Nate is four and Ted's house is five."

"Perfect order, Mom. Ok, I'll call him." I left her and Ron in the kitchen and walked into the sunroom and hit the button.

"Nate Boyd."

"Hiya shithead. I need a car."

"What else is new? Wreck the...hold on, you're at Mom's? Thought you were in the hospital."

"Just got out, I'm fine, only affects people with magic. Well, more magic than I have. So I gotta go up to Eittel's funeral in VA and Weasley says we have to drive. Mom offered to let me borrow her car..."

"Oh fuck no, that piece of shit? Do you know how much crap I got about that one? Wanted to get her a nice 5 series BMW or a Jag and she wouldn't hear of it. 'Oh Nate, those cars are too fancy for me.' Jesus, I'd rather she have a fucking Prius than that thing. Ok, so you need a car. Can't help you much, since I'm here in DC. Tell you what, though, I know a guy at a little dealership, they buy the shit we auction off that we take in trade-in that we'd never put on the lot in a million years. I'll text you his information."

"Phone's dead."

"Plug it in, idiot. Jesus, you're not at Hogwarts."

"Fine, asshole, I'll plug it in. How am I gonna pay him? Doubt he takes a draft from Gringott's."

"He owes me. Let him have a Z4 we could have put on the lot but didn't want to mess with the reconditioning. Plus you'll owe me."

"Fuck."

"Yeah, that's what I like to hear. Big brother owes me a favor. I'm gonna make it count, too."

"God, you're such a dick. I'll plug in the phone, text me the stuff and I'll call you from the road. And thanks, Nate. Really. I do appreciate it."

"What's family for? You'd better go, he's only open 'til seven. Gotta go, just saw a politician and his trophy wife walk in. Dude's got the 'I need a 911 convertible to impress her' look all over him. Later."

"Adios."

-ooo-

After Dad got home and took me down to the dealer I spent way too much time with the car thing. Initially he wanted to let me have a '96 Honda Civic hatchback without air conditioning and about a million miles on the thing, but I didn't think it'd make the trip, plus I didn't want to sweat my balls off. Dad took pity on me and chipped in some cash, since I only had about $500 in my American checking account that I kept open because Mom said I'd need it 'for emergencies' and we finally left with a dented, thirsty and ancient Jeep Grand Cherokee. At least the air conditioning worked and it was big enough that Ron wouldn't be smashed in there. By the time we got back to the house Harry was there, with the rest of my luggage from the Bon Charme, and he and Mom were playing with Scorpius Malfoy. That was a weird sight, let me tell you.

Harry commented that he wanted to see the car I got, which I knew was a giant clue because Harry really doesn't care that much about cars. Mom and Dad ignored it, as they were busy with Scorpius, but Ron cottoned on immediately.

When we got out to the Jeep Ron looked over to Harry. "So, what's going on with Malfoy? That's why you wanted to come out here, right?"

"Yeah." Harry nodded, looked back to the house and then turned to us. "To be honest I'm worried about him."

"Wait a tic." Ron raised his hand. "You're worried about old ferret-face?"

"He's not my favorite person, Ron, but his wife's in hospital in a coma. Think about it. Someone's done this to her intentionally. What if someone did that to Hermione?"

A vein bulged in Ron's temple. "I'd tear the fucking twats limb from limb. If they're lucky."

"Exactly." Harry sighed and put his hand on the hood of the Jeep. "So think about it. If you're Draco Malfoy, and you've been working all these years to turn your life around, and somebody does that to your wife..."

"Bloody hell." Ron's voice was quiet. "He's...he's not gonna go back to doing, uh, that kind of shite, is he?"

"I don't know." Harry took off his glasses. "But when he was here, when he dropped off Scorpius, there was just something...cold about him. You know I know that look, Ron. It was the same one he had the year..."

"Vanishing cabinet." Ron spit on the ground. "I hope for his son's sake he doesn't."

"I think that's what is keeping him from doing it, Ron." Harry put his glasses back on and looked back to the house, as my Dad had just walked out the back door. "But if Scorpius wasn't here, I don't want to think what would happen."

Dad made his way over and took a walk around the Jeep, inspecting the tires. "You should make it ok, Hank, but if you want to keep it any longer than the trip you're gonna need new tires." He put his hand on my shoulder. "Time to eat, boys. Hope you're hungry. You're staying for supper, right Harry?"

Supper was enjoyable, as Mom had Scorpius in the high chair and we all tucked in to one of mom's big to-do's. Dad was happy as a clam because Mom had him on a limited diet, which he told me tasted like crap. I had a feeling if I went out to his car there'd be McDonald's wrappers stuffed in his golf bag. All through the meal, though, whenever I looked at Scorpius I had a bad feeling about Draco. I knew him better than Ron and Harry, well, at least since Hogwarts, and I knew how much his family meant to him. I also knew that he would spend every last Gnut and do almost anything to make sure that Scorpius didn't have to go through what he went through. Not about the whole Voldemort thing, that was borderline incomprehensible and horrific in a multitude of ways, but in the way that people said the name 'Malfoy' and the looks they have on their faces when they see him. Draco had started building that life in America, and now there was a real chance, with Astoria in the hospital, in a coma, that he would throw it all away. I really hoped he didn't.

-ooo-

The ride up to Virginia with Ron was actually pretty enjoyable, especially since he didn't care that I smoked. It was fun seeing Ron react to things. He started out pretty confident, saying he'd spent a lot of time with Hermione and her parents in the Muggle world, but Muggle Britain is different than Muggle America. According to Ron every food in America comes with cheese, cold beer is disgusting, nobody makes a proper cup of tea and all the radio stations are shit. He wasn't wrong on that last part, as for some reason the FM radio stations wouldn't come in and all we could get was AM radio. Things Ron Weasley does like about America include the fact you can get hot dogs and other junk food at every gas station and convenience store, you can drive fairly fast and it was interesting scenery. Took him a while to not freak out that I was driving on the other side of the road, though. We stopped for the night at a little mom and pop hotel somewhere in South Carolina, can't remember where for the life of me, and we slept like rocks. My bed wasn't bad, and Ron's sagged something horrible in the middle, but I don't think he cared.

When we pulled into my old college town it was obvious that things had changed. There were lots more shops, hotels, stuff like that, but even weirder was that the college seemed to have grown. Before it was always a little oasis in the middle of the town, and if you didn't know the college was there you'd never guess it, but now there were banners up and stuff all over the place. Our mascot was the Bearcat, and when Ron asked I couldn't actually explain what it was. He accepted 'sort of like a bobcat' when he saw the mascot on a window.

After we checked into the new Bearcat Hotel he knocked on my door. "Fancy a pint?"

"After that drive, and what's going to happen tomorrow? Hell, yes."

"Ok, but I'm picking the pub. The last one you took me to? The one with all the birds in short pants and tight tops? Hermione'd skin me alive if I set foot in one of those places again."

"Totally worth it. Hooters and Ron Weasley, a match made in heaven."

"Sod off, Hank. C'mon." As we walked out of the hotel lobby he grinned. "Seamus would love that place, though."

We got in the Jeep and I headed to the old part of town, the part I knew well. We'd driven down a few streets, and I was lost in nostalgia when Ron said he found the place. I took a look and my heart jumped; it was the bar that Christine worked in, the one where I met her.

"Are you sure, there's some other places..."

"Nope, that's the ticket." He looked over. "Whassa matter? Bad memories?"

"Not exactly."

"Well come on, then. I need a pint."

The place hadn't changed that much. They'd rearranged the bar, it was on the other side of the room, and the jukebox had been replaced with one that plays CDs, but other than that it was still the same dingy, sticky-floored place I remembered. We sat at the bar and I ordered a beer. Ron ordered a shandy, and I had to explain to the bartender what it was. As the guy walked away, muttering about Budweiser and Sprite, Ron grabbed some peanuts from the bowl on the bar and turned to me.

"You came her with her, didn't you? The photographer."

I nodded. "Yeah. Met her here, actually."

"Sorry, mate."

"No worries. You didn't know."

We took our beers, the bartender shook his head at Ron and went down to the end to wash beer glasses.

"Listen, Hank, I get it. Not easy dealing with an ex-girlfriend. Hermione's come a long way with Lavender. Still kinda weird, but, well, I was a kid then. We all were."

"Not the same, Ron."

"Oh. Yeah. Right. You were in love with her."

"Yeah." I took a drink. "But that's all in the past. Ancient history. I've got Mel and the kids now. Maybe if I hadn't gone through that, and all the shit with Janine, I'd never appreciate her like I do. And I do."

"No shit. It's obvious, mate. Always has been."

"Thanks."

"What are friends for?" He took a drink and was silent for a while. "So...you think she'll be there? At the funeral?"

"If you would have asked me before I saw her at that party I would have said no. But now, after all the stuff I've found out? I don't know."

Ron took a look around the place and then reached under the bar for a minute. The jukebox music ceased immediately. "Localized muffliato. Dead handy. So you think that there's more to those books, right? That your old professor left you some more books?"

"I don't know, but that's my guess. Lindell will know."

"You know he's a wizard, right?"

"What? No fucking way."

"Way." Ron laughed. "We did background before the trip. He's a wizard, but he doesn't really...well, he went Muggle."

"Whatd'ya mean?"

Ron took another drink and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Happens sometimes. Wizards and witches feel more comfortable in the Muggle world. Mostly happens with magicals that marry Muggles or Squibs."

I drained the rest of my beer. "So he really might know something about the books and all that shit, huh?"

"Yep." Ron reached under the table again and the jukebox blared into life with George Thorogood. "This round's on me."

-ooo-

As we pulled up to the church for the funeral I looked over to Ron. "So how're you going to explain why you're here?"

"Admirerer of his work?"

"How much do you know about Henry James, the history of gay literature and Polish cinema?"

"Uh..."

I laughed. "That's what I thought."

"It's a funeral, Hank. Nobody will ask."

"They will after the service. There's a rememberence party back at the house."

"Fuck."

"You know, as much as you Aurors do background and stuff you would've thought you would have done all this shit before now."

"Maybe I'm your boyfriend?"

"You're not my type, Weasley. No tits."

"And dangly bits. Fine, then you come up with something."

"You're a cousin of Lindell's. He's got a giant family. His dad has something like eight brothers and sisters."

"Works for me. And your tie's all wonky."

I fixed my bow tie in the rear-view mirror and we exited the Jeep. The church was one of the bigger ones in town, one of the more progressive churches, and Eittel had been a member for years. Decades, actually. It was a massive turnout. I'd been at the church a few times, mostly because Eittel had guilted me into it one time or another, but I'd never seen it that full. There was a balcony with pews, at the back of the church, and it was filling up. Light filtered through the massive stained-glass windows, and soft organ music played as people visited amongst the massive amounts of flowers. Ron said he was going to head up top to the balcony, to get out of the way, and before I could say anything he just melted into the other attendees, only his red hair sticking up amongst them as he was so tall. One of the guys from the church who I sort of remembered handed me the little program.

I looked down at the date. April 24, 2010. It seemed like eons since I was one of Eittel's students; back then 2010 seemed as far away as 2210. But I was in the church, in my suit, at Eittel's funeral. It just didn't seem real. It didn't seem possible. People like Eittel were just always around, always teaching, always planning next semester's classes, they don't just up and die. And then I thought about it. I'm in my forties. I have two children. That seemed impossible as well, and I'm sure if I would have told the hungover version of me in Eittel's class way back then what would have happened...it took all my willpower not to curse in church.

The pews began filling up rapidly and I looked around the room and finally saw him, there with an elderly lady, Lindell in a charcoal colored suit, a bright green tie and sharp rimless glasses. He was greyer than the last time I saw him, but who isn't these days? Or bald. Anyway, I started to make my way over to him and he caught my eye, excused himself and gave me a handshake that turned into a hug.

"Thank you so much for coming, Hank. It means a lot to me. It would mean a lot to him, too."

"Had to come, I couldn't miss...I had to. I'm so sorry. Still doesn't seem real that he's gone."

He nodded. "I know, but it was time. I'll tell you later tonight." He looked over my shoulder. "There's Angie, his sister. I'd better go see to her."

I watched him walk away and realized it was almost time to start the service so I needed to find a seat. I went to one of the pews towards the middle of the church and sat at the far end next to an older couple who I didn't recognize. There was enough room for about maybe three people in the pew, and when two more people sat down at the other end I scooted towards my end of the pew. I sat there for a moment, not really noticing anything, lost in my thoughts when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Can I sit with you?" Christine Rowan, in a somber black dress with pearls, her hair pulled back. "Are you saving the seat?"

"No. All yours." I scooted over to give her room.

She sat quickly. "Thank you, Hank. I don't really know anybody here. Except for you and Lindell."

For some reason my mouth just started working. "Ron Weasley's up in the balcony."

"Oh. Ok." She fanned herself with the program. "So many people."

"Yeah, he was a force of nature. Plus he taught for years."

Then the music ended and the service started. It was a very nice ceremony. The minister had so many kind words to say, about how Eittel had donated his time and energy to the church, to educating young adults and how he and Lindell found each other. Back when I was in college to openly admit a gay relationship, in church, at a funeral would have been astoundingly rare; now nobody batted an eye. Actually, they did bat eyes, in tears. Christine teared up and began searching through her purse for a tissue so I reached into my jacket and gave her a handkerchief. I made a mental note to thank Nonky later.

And then the service was over. There was no burial as Eittel had wished to be cremated; Lindell would scatter his ashes in their garden later on, apparently. As people filed out, and gave Lindell and Eittel's sister their condolences, Ron met me and Christine outside the church.

"Ron, I think you remember Christine..."

She shook his hand. "Rowan, actually. Rowan Wright. We met at the..."

Ron nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember." Ron took a look at the church, which was still slowly emptying out. "So, how long until we...bloody hell that sounds awful, even to me. Right after a funeral and I'm thinking about work."

"Don't worry, Ron." I gave him a weak smile. "Rememberence thing is much smaller, and I think it's only, uh, umm..."

Christine put on her sunglasses. "Our sort of people. I'll see you there."

We watched her walk away and get into a SAAB convertible. As she left the parking lot Ron turned to me. "I'm sure there's a great story about how you two ended up sitting together."

"Shut up, Ron. She didn't really know anybody else here and there was a seat open."

"Uh-huh. Yeah, right. I was up in the balcony. Plenty of seats left in the back." He put his arm around my shoulder. "Sorry to wind you up, just odd, being at a funeral for someone I didn't know. Sat next to an old witch who did a horrible job playing...well, she wasn't very convincing. Do have one question, though. Is this thing at the house a dress up thing?" He loosened his tie. "I hate these bloody things. Don't know how you wear one all the time."

I shook my head. "No, it's casual. Come on, let's go back to the hotel. I know you have to be as anxious as I am, maybe more, about what Eittel left me, and about the books." As we walked to the Jeep I gave him a smile. "Hey, maybe there's a new one that'll tell us all about how you landed Hermione. Probably some imperious spell or something. Oh wait, that's right, she's going to be Lady Black and marry Harry. After all he's Lord-Baron Potter Black."

He opened his mouth to say something but shut it immediately. After we got in the Jeep, I looked over and he still had his lips pressed tightly together. As soon as we pulled out of the church parking lot he looked over to me.

"Fuck you, Boyd. Fuck. You."