Chapter Eight

I want to apologize for the turn this took – it's been my intention from the start, however. Anyone who's read my Christmas drabbles for Walter/Daniels will remember that in the last one posted, I mentioned that they were struggling and dealing with a "traumatic" event…and this is what that is.

There'll be happy things again, I promise – but we must deal with the angst before!

When Daniels woke up, her stomach was cramping painfully; she moaned softly as she rolled over in the bed, squeezing her eyes shut and willing the pain away. When it didn't dissipate, she brought her knees to her chest and curled up in the fetal position; she was starting to wake more now, fully gaining awareness of where she was and what seemed to be happening around her. She could hear rain lashing on the windows still, the storm still raging on Origae-6 from the evening before, and the sound of the cabin creaking quietly as the wind hit it. Exhaustion settled over her, but she couldn't get back to sleep for some reason – the pain seemed to be getting worse. Wrapping her arms around herself, she buried her face into her pillow and tried to block the feeling out.

As she shifted, trying to get more comfortable, she suddenly felt something sticky and hot between her thighs.

Alarmed, Daniels lifted her head and tried to sit up; immediately she was overwhelmed by the sudden smell of something metallic, and she had to resist the urge to gag. Eyes already adjusting to the darkness in the bedroom, she cautiously pressed a hand to her pyjama bottoms and tried to see something – anything – that might give an explanation as to what was happening. Even in the dark, she could see something staining her pants, a dark colour, and when her fingers brushed the area of her pelvis, she felt the sticky substance start to coat them.

"No…No…"

Panicking, she looked to Walter; his eyes were closed, most likely so he could do a check or update, and he was thus unaware as to her distress. Tears were swimming in her eyes as she reached out for him, trying to 'wake' him – he would know what to do, he had to know what to do, this couldn't happen-

"W-Walter," She pleaded desperately, shaking him as her stomach turned. "Walter, p-please, something's wrong…"

It took mere seconds for him to become alert, opening his eyes and searching her face in the dark. "Daniels-"

"I-I…" She choked on a sob, the words stuck in her throat and nearly impossible to force out. "Walter, I'm…I-I'm b-bleeding."

Alarmed, Walter turned on the bedside lamp so that he could see better – and the sight sent a sudden wave of what could only be described as nausea through all of his systems. Daniels looked ill, face pale and drawn, sweat beading on her head and teeth grit in pain as tears rolled down her face; she had one hand to her stomach, almost exactly where he had pressed his hand earlier that evening as they discussed the numerous possibilities of their baby. The fingers of her other hand, he noticed, were shining with blood.

Even though he knew it was hopeless – he already knew it was too late – he was struck by the sudden urge to attempt to stop the bleeding; he could phone a doctor, someone who was willing to visit the cabin, but the storm meant there would be delays, possibly even power-cuts. He had seen this happen before in the colony – not first-hand, admittedly, but he knew the signs and the aftermath – and he knew what was happening.

It seemed that Daniels realized this too, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed and curled in on herself. All Walter could do was attempt to provide comfort for her, carefully wrapping an arm around her and pushing aside the sudden rush of unnecessary emotions that washed over him; his needs weren't important, not right now – she needed someone to be strong through this, someone to support her.

His own feelings could wait.

Walter called a doctor to their cabin early the next morning – mostly because he wanted to be sure Daniels had no infections or similar, but also admittedly because a small part of him hoped that he had been wrong the night before. When the doctor left the room after seeing to her privately, he gave the synthetic a rather empathetic look before speaking.

"I'm sorry…sometimes these things happen," The man sighed, shaking his head. "She has no infections, no fever, so there's nothing to worry about there – if she does start displaying a fever or any other symptoms, don't hesitate to call one of us or to even bring her to the hospital yourself. Just be sure that she rests for now."

He didn't need to say anything else, didn't need to say the actual word – it was obvious.

Walter didn't leave her side after the doctor's visit, of course, wanting to be close at hand if she needed him or if she started to show the signs the doctor had warned him about. As he expected, his lover was extremely distraught, and it was all he could do to hold her while she cried; she slept fitfully throughout the day after crying herself to sleep, curling into the steady temperature of his body and clinging to the fabric of his hoodie – this behaviour didn't particularly surprise him either.

Just after midday, he left the bedroom to prepare lunch for her; when he brought it up to her, however, she refused it and muttered that she wasn't hungry. Walter didn't press further; she was still in pain, judging by how she was curled up with her arms around her stomach, and he knew from research that it could take a few days for the bleeding to stop completely. It was best not to force her, not now: he could try again to get her to eat later.

The rest of the day passed the same way; it hurt him more than he cared to admit that he couldn't do anything to make his lover feel any better, couldn't do anything to make her happy – the only thing to do was to allow time to heal and grieve. He pushed his feelings away whenever they threatened to arise, reminding himself that his priority was looking after her and ensuring that he was there for her if she needed him.

"I'm…I'm sorry," Daniels said – something she continued to say, shaking her head and avoiding his eyes. "I'm so sorry…"

"You don't need to apologize, Daniels," Walter informed her gently, and she buried her face into his side as her shoulders shook. "This happens sometimes – the embryo may not have been healthy enough to begin with, or perhaps it had not implanted correctly like we assumed. Those are usually the reasons, Daniels, and you are not to blame."

She continued to apologize to him throughout the day, however, and she genuinely seemed to believe that it was her fault – something that caused more unnecessary pain for Walter, much as he didn't want to admit it. She didn't deserve to feel so guilty, not on top of the grief and devastation she already felt.

After seven, he tentatively mentioned dinner and asked if she would like something to eat – even a sandwich or toast, just something to feed her. She turned it down, again muttering that she wasn't hungry. Again, he didn't press – the last thing that was needed was an argument if he attempted to force her. Instead of dinner, he ran a warm bath for her so that she could feel cleaner; he gently helped her out of bed, to the bathroom, and then carefully helped her undress before stepping into the tub. He didn't say a word when he picked up her discarded clothes, merely pressing his mouth into a firm line at the red stains as he threw them into the laundry – he would clean them later, and if that failed then he would ask her permission to dispose of them entirely. While she sat in the bath, knees to her chest and staring at the water, Walter returned to the bedroom; the sheets also sported the same red stains, painfully obvious on the white material. He stripped the bed and replaced the sheets quickly, using bedclothes that were old and rarely used – it didn't matter if those ones got dirty, he decided.

Daniels was still silently sitting in the tub when he returned, an old pair of dark-coloured sweats and a towel in his hands; neither of them spoke as he helped her out again, and he turned his head to give her privacy while she dressed into the clothes he had brought. She quietly thanked him before going back to the bed, immediately curling up beneath the blankets and burying her face into her pillow; she made no noise, but the subtle shake of her shoulders made it clear that she was trying not to cry.

A part of him debated leaving her alone in the bed, giving her some space – perhaps she would not want him there while she was so upset – but when he picked up the pillow from his usual side of the bed, she frowned weakly. "Don't. Stay, please."

"Of course, if that's what you want," Walter agreed immediately, and he settled into his usual spot – even so, he was sure not to touch her, not to get too close. "If you need me, Daniels, I'm here."

The night was even more miserable, with Daniels only being able to sleep for a few hours before waking up in pain or in tears. He gently soothed her back into sleep each time, not taking his eyes from her all night; unpleasant feelings started to rise up from within him again, but he forced them away for now – he could deal with them later, but now was not the time to focus on himself. For now, all that mattered was Daniels and making sure she recovered.

Tennessee came to visit a few days later, clutching his hat and looking anxious – a look Walter rarely saw on him. It was no surprise that he had come to visit; he had seemed upset and lost for words when the synthetic had radioed him the news, and he was probably worried for Daniels – the two were good friends, after all.

"How is she?" The larger man asked when Walter met him on the porch, voice low.

He hesitated before deciding that if anyone deserved to know the truth, it was this man. "The bleeding has seemed to stop, but her stomach is still in pain. Emotionally…" His gaze dropped to the floor. "She is devastated. She has been alternating between sobbing, sleeping, and lying in bed whilst staring at the wall."

"Shit." Tennessee rubbed a hand over his face, sighing miserably. "Look…Walter, I'm…I'm sorry. This whole situation is fucked up…I'm sorry for you and Danny's loss. I can't even imagine how you guys are feeling."

The synthetic shifted uncomfortably. "I'm focusing on looking after Daniels – her needs and feelings are my priority."

"I get that," His friend said. "But it was your baby too – don't try and give me that 'I have no feelings' bullshit," He added when Walter opened his mouth to protest. "I could tell you already loved this kid, just by how happy you looked after you found out; you're allowed to be sad 'bout it too."

Walter didn't answer to this – he didn't quite know what he could say.

Tennessee put on a weak impression of a smile when he saw Daniels, and the synthetic left them to have some time alone – she would be safe with Tennessee, and it was understandable that they might prefer privacy. Instead, he retreated to the greenhouse outside to tend to his plants; if nothing else, it would provide a distraction.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Danny," Tennessee said quietly, and he had to swallow the lump in his throat as he looked at her; between the dark circles under her eyes and the sudden sallowness in her skin, she looked absolutely exhausted. "I dunno what to say."

"You don't need to say anything," She muttered, avoiding his eyes. "I don't want to talk about it."

Her friend nodded, looking down at his hat and sighing. "Alright. I just wanted to come by, check up on you and Walter – I know you guys ain't okay, but…you know. I don't want you feeling alone either; I got no fucking idea what I can do to help, but I'm here if you guys need me."

"Right. Thanks."

"And don't worry 'bout work," He continued seriously. "I'll take care of it, make sure anything that needs doing gets done – you rest for as long as need be. That goes for Walter too, he needs time away too, I bet."

Tennessee left shortly after, promising to return in a few days to check up on them again and bring anything they might need; Walter thanked him as he saw him to the door, tone generally pleasant and emotionless. It was only once they were on the porch, out of Daniels' earshot, that the burly man turned to the synthetic and clapped a hand to his shoulder.

"I really am sorry," He said carefully. "If you need anything – and I mean anything – you let me know. And, you know, don't bottle it up," He added. "I know you, and I know what you're doing…it doesn't help. You need to let yourself grieve too, even if you think you don't – Danny will understand completely."

"Tennessee-"

"This is something you have to get through together," Tennessee insisted firmly. "None of that, 'I don't need to grieve' bullshit we talked about earlier – I know you better than that, and so does she. Trust me on this: I think it'll help her if you grieve too, let her know she's not alone in how she's feeling."

Walter was, admittedly, surprised by this side of the man, even after having known him for so many years; it brought a whole new light to him. He watched as Tennessee walked away, contemplating what he had said and deep in thought; perhaps he was right, but somehow the synthetic couldn't help but feel that the best thing for now was just allow Daniels this time for her own emotions – his own weren't nearly as important.

Even once the bleeding stopped and the pain dulled, it still didn't get any easier.

Though she wasn't crying nearly as much anymore, Daniels still felt just as awful; the memory refused to leave her, the memory of waking up to find herself bleeding and in pain. That hope and joy she had felt was gone, the excitement at the news that she and Walter could be a family – it seemed so incredibly unfair that this happened to them, given how much they wanted it.

It's all my fault, she would think to herself miserably; perhaps she could have done more to stop it from happening, could have done something different – had she put too much strain on herself perhaps? Was there anything she could have done differently? Maybe the baby just didn't want to be there – didn't want her.

Or, worse, perhaps it was a sign that she wasn't meant to be a mother after all – a sign that she should give up.

She didn't tell this to Walter, for she knew he would just calmly tell her it wasn't true, that it was normal to feel this way, that it wasn't her fault – and for some reason, it made her angry. How could he be so calm about this? How could he appear so emotionless, so indifferent? What gave him the right to pretend to care, to attempt to coddle her?

After a few days of bottling up this anger, of feeling it simmer and grow, she didn't even want him to be near her – she couldn't stand how polite and formal he seemed to be about everything, how condescending it all seemed. It was only when he appeared in the doorway around midday, looking sympathetic as he tilted his head and studied her, asking if she would like lunch that It seemed to boil to a head – it was almost unbearable.

"…I will not force you to eat," Walter informed her gently. "But I would recommend it as it would be best to keep yourself fed and healthy." When she said nothing, he frowned and stepped closer. "Daniels, I know you're upset-"

"Upset," She repeated, almost spitting the word.

Walter looked concerned. "You're upset," He continued warily. "I understand, Daniels…I am very upset too."

"Yeah, right," Daniels huffed, clenching her fists together. "You're not upset at all."

"Of course I am," He insisted, now worried. "I…I was already very fond of the baby, impossible though it may seem, and I…I feel sadder than I thought I could feel."

She bristled at his words, suddenly enraged. "How dare you pretend to care?!"

"Daniels, I am not pretending-"

"But you are!" Daniels snapped, eyes suddenly glistening with tears. "You can't understand at all what it's like because you're not even human! You're a synthetic!"

He grew very quiet, looking down at his feet and shuffling uncomfortably. "You're being hysterical and not thinking because you're grieving. I know you don't mean what you're saying."

"I do," She snarled. "You can't understand, and you won't ever understand because you're…you're a robot! You're nothing more than a machine!"

Walter flinched at her words, clearly hurt by them. "Daniels…"

"Just…Just go!" She seethed, turning away from him. "Leave!"

For a moment, there was a pause where neither of them moved or spoke – but then he straightened up, making his way out of the room. "Alright, Daniels, if that's what you want."

It was only once she heard the door to the cabin close as he left that she buried her face in her hands and succumbed to her tears.

He wasn't back the next day.

Daniels woke, feeling guilty about what she had said – how could she say those things? She hadn't meant it, she would never have meant it; she knew better than anyone that Walter was just like anyone else, that he had emotions and the like. She searched the cabin for him, hoping he may have returned during the night, but found nothing: there wasn't even any kind of note to say where he might have gone.

"Fuck," She whispered to herself, ignoring the sting of tears in her eyes.

She waited by the fire for the rest of the afternoon, stare locked on the door and hoping that he would come back; she would apologize for what she said, tell him that she didn't mean it, that she wasn't thinking. There was no guarantee that he'd accept her apologies at all, but it was better than nothing.

The longer she waited, however, the more she worried; perhaps he had gone for good? Maybe he had thought she wanted him gone permanently, that she was done with him and their relationship. Daniels swallowed the lump in her throat, mentally belittling herself for being so stupid; the last person who deserved to be treated in that way was her Walter. He already doubted himself so much, and she knew he secretly wondered if she would ever grow tired of him – he had such a low opinion of himself, and she had probably confirmed his worst fears with her outburst.

It was late evening when the door slowly opened; Daniels immediately shot up, relieved when Walter quietly entered the cabin. He glanced at her, surprised to see her waiting for him; for a moment, neither of them spoke, instead staring at each other.

"Daniels," He said finally. "I was only coming to check on you, to make sure that you were safe…I will go now-"

"No! No, don't!" She interrupted quickly, standing from her seat. "Please don't go, Walter…please."

Walter paused, looking uncertain even as he nodded. "Alright. I'll stay if that's what you want."

They were silent again as they settled in the chairs near the fire, neither of them quite knowing what to say; after debating how to say what she wanted, Daniels cleared her throat and looked up at him. "I'm…I'm so sorry, Walter, for what I said."

"Daniels-"

"I didn't mean it," She insisted, somewhat desperately. "I don't think that about you at all, and you know I don't. I was just angry and upset and…and I just hated it, I hated feeling like that, and the only person I could take it out on was you."

"I understand," He said gently.

"I was wrong," She continued, and she had to blink to get rid of the unwanted tears. "You do understand, I know you do, and I should have just asked how you were feeling instead of assuming…you know I don't think of you as being a…a robot or anything like that. You're just as human as anyone else, even if you don't believe it – I know you are."

`Walter seemed to consider her words, and he appeared somewhat touched by what she said. "That's kind of you to think, Daniels; I know you don't view me in that way, even if it is the truth-"

"It's not, and that's bullshit," Daniels stated, and she was suddenly reaching across the space between them to take his hand. "I feel so awful about what I said, it was cruel and stupid and wrong; I shouldn't have said it, and if anyone else had told you that…well, I'd have been so fucking mad I'd have probably punched them or something. I was an asshole."

"You're not an asshole, Danny."

She gnawed on her lower lip. "I am. I spent all this time feeling sorry for myself, and I didn't even think about how you felt…I know you, and I know you probably didn't say anything because you thought it would make me even more upset, but you should feel able to be honest with me about it."

"It's clear you're grieving heavily, and that can affect behaviour," He agreed, though it was somewhat half-hearted. "However, you do not need to worry about me; I don't exactly 'feel' any emotions-"

"We both know that's bullshit," Daniels said firmly. "Maybe…Maybe it's not like I feel it, it's different – but I know you felt something…just like I know you felt just as happy as I did at that scan."

It was obvious she'd said the right thing; it only took a moment for Walter to squeeze her fingers in his and clear his throat. "Yes, you're…you're right," He admitted, and his shoulders seemed to droop. "I do feel unhappy, Danny, because as implausible as it seems, I did already feel a fondness for the child we could have had; I had thought we would have a baby, that it would be ours, and I allowed myself to feel for it."

"You loved them, just as much as I did."

"Yes. And I am upset that we will no longer have this child," Walter continued. "But I am also saddened because I know it has left you distraught – it upsets me to see you in any kind of pain or distress. That is the worst thing, Danny, knowing that you are in pain and knowing that I cannot do anything to change it. You have already suffered so much loss – your late husband, several of your friends and fellow crew members, even the pain of leaving your father on Earth – and now you have to suffer this loss. It's…unfair."

Daniels sighed miserably, staring into the fireplace and watching the flames flicker. "Yeah…it does seem unfair. I guess that's just life."

It was a relief to be curled up together once more that night, even if the pain was still raw and it was merely for comfort – it felt somewhat right, some kind of normalcy even in such a difficult time. In the darkness, Walter felt Daniels slip her hand into his as she breathed out, clearly still awake and preparing to talk to him.

"It was your baby too," She reminded him tentatively after a moment. "I know you don't want to upset me…but don't worry about that. Don't worry. I'm here for you, just like you've been here for me. It's okay to just let yourself go, if that's what you need – I'm here, Walter."

And suddenly, he couldn't help himself – it was as if she had pressed a button or input a command, as simple as that. Turning his face towards her, the tears started to come slowly; he didn't cry often, it was only in extreme situations, but he couldn't help it. A few tears rolled down his face, more quickly following, and she seemed to understand completely.

"It's alright," Daniels whispered, teary-eyed as she wrapped her arms around him and held him. "I've got you, Walter – I'm right here."

They didn't say anything else as he continued to cry into her, merely holding each other in the dark and trying to find comfort in the midst of such pain.

Weeell that was depressing as fuck.

I PROMISE they will have their baby; those who have read my other fics know this, but I SWEAR they will. There's still some healing, but the worst part is over for them – soon they will have such unbelievable happiness and joy, it'll be nauseating to read!

Comments are greatly appreciated! :)