Chapter 12: Can I Bum a Smoke?

The air was cold, the ground was cold, the rain was cold and I was really, really fucking cold. Standing there on the Scottish coast next to an AAB agent and the Mulder and Scully of the magical world, searching for the mythical pathway to some invisible island wouldn't be bad, it would feel like some great adventure, if we hadn't been looking for the goddamn pathway for the last fucking hour. Oh, and they couldn't cast a warming or waterproof charm on me because it might 'interfere' with something or other. They told me what it was but I didn't really pay attention and I didn't care because I was fucking wet and freezing. Magic sucks, sometimes.

Once Zeke Wright, a familiar face from the AAB, once Zeke had shown up we all Apparated out up to the coast and started traipsing about, looking for God knows what. I figured the 'faerie pathway' to the island was hidden for a good reason, and had been hidden for ages upon ages, so finding it within fifteen minutes was entirely too much to ask for. I really wished I could send my wife and owl, but what would I say? Sorry, Melody, off to look for an ancient, hidden pathway to a hidden faerie island that may or may not actually exist. Don't worry, I'm off with Headmaster Titus' son-in-law, and AAB agent that helped when the WLF and Knight morons blew up my parent's place when Ted and Candice got married and Daphne Greengrass. You remember her? She didn't remember you, but don't worry, she knows all about you since I spent the last eight days alone with her trapped in a black room like they had at the Dreamy Dragon. Everything's fine. How are the kids? Yeah, that'd go over like a lead fucking balloon.

"Think I got something."

I turned and looked as Zeke motioned everyone over to a spot on the rocky shore. It wasn't like the beaches in North Carolina or Virginia that I knew, nice, soft sand, oh no; rocky, slick and treacherous was the order of the day. I made my way over to where Zeke knelt down and waited as Horatio and Daphne joined us from the other direction.

"What'd you find?" Horatio eased his bulk down closer to where Zeke pointed. "Oh, nice find, Agent."

As Daphne raised an eyebrow I turned to Zeke. "I don't see a damn thing."

The agent looked up at me sheepishly. "Sorry, professor. Your percentages are getting the best of you again. Let me see if I can make it easier for you to see."

He took out his wand and waved it about the ground, muttering a spell under his breath that I couldn't really hear, but the effect was enough that I realized what the hell he was talking about. There, on the ground, were rings of four-leafed clovers. Usually they're as rare as hen's teeth, hard to find, but the whole place was filled with them, all in circles that seemed to intertwine with each other, the circles growing larger until they seemed to come to a sharp, sudden point like the head of an arrow. An arrow that pointed out a bit further towards the sea.

Horatio leaned over towards me. "Best wait until the tide goes out a bit." He glanced towards Daphne. "Unless your roommate wants to give it a go with her wand."

I glared at him, rain coating my glasses, but I didn't care about the rain. "First, she's not my roommate and if you say that in front of my wife I don't care how big you are I'm gonna punch you in the nose. Two, if there's something we can do to get this show on the road then do it. I'm tired of this shit and I want to go home."

Daphne slid her wand out of her robe and stood up. "I would like nothing better than to return you to your wife, but only if someone obliviates me about the last few days. I don't know how she lives with you."

I glared at her. "Slytherin fart cannon."

She returned the glare. "Tobacco reeking Muggle."

Horatio snickered. "You two are quite the pair, too bad you're married Hank. I'd pay to see you two out on a date. Daphne, go get started on it, see if it works, I'll fill the professor in on what we're doing."

Zeke quickly offered to assist Daphne so I sat there, on the shore, completely getting soaked and watched the two of them head down to the water's edge and take out their wands. As they began to wave their wands about in intricate patterns I felt something metal against my arm. I was never so thankful as when I realized what it was; Horatio's flask.

"Thank God." I took the flask, unscrewed the cap as quickly as possible and raised it towards Horatio. "Sláinte." A quick pull later and my stomach and just about everything else felt nice and warm. I held out the flask towards Horatio. "Damn, that's good. What is that?"

Horatio chuckled, took the flask and after a quick drink screwed the cap back on and stuck it in his robe. "House elf whisky from Canada. Very small distillery, only three employees. Only make two batches a year, one for me, one for sale. I'll see what I can do, maybe send a bottle or two your way once we're done with everything." He took off the almost impossibly tiny glasses, secured them in his robe and with two hands wrung out his beard, water dropping off of it like someone had just turned a tea cup upside-down. "Wright's here because he's studied the faeries more than just about anyone I know. Now, can't confirm it, you know how these things are, but Zeke over there's convinced that somewhere back in his family tree's a wee bit of faerie blood. Most people think he's barmy, the UMS equivalent of the Department of Mysteries did some tests on him and there's a smidge of something in him they can't place. You know how witches and wizards are about ancestry, did that book and all."

"Oh yeah." I nodded. "Yeah, it's a big deal."

"Mm-hmm." Horatio looked out towards Daphne and Zeke. "Somewhere up in the family tree a story started about one of Zeke's ancestors and a faerie maiden. Been passed down from generation to generation, mostly just a family legend, but legends sometimes have a bit of truth to them. You can guess where I fall in that, right?" He reached in and pulled out the flask again. "Sorry about the weather."

"Yeah, it sucks, but that helps." I took another drink and felt warm again. "I'm guessing you want to believe, Mulder?"

"Got it in one. Well, boyo over there's done his research. My guess is that he isn't the only one. Get my drift?"

Slowly the wheels began turning. I really wanted a cigarette but since I was out and it was raining and shit that was out of the question. "Someone else could have done the same research, and even if it isn't some mystical faerie island out there they could make it look like that, or seem like that, so if someone comes poking about they can just discredit them for looking for some fool's errand, like the Loch Ness monster." I stopped a moment. "Wait, that's real, right? I can never remember."

"Leave ol' Nessie out of this, but yeah, you're right. The thing they might have forgotten, even if they did get over there, is that there's always more than one way to skin a kneazle."

I watched as Zeke and Daphne kept moving their wands, forcing the water back farther and farther from the shore, as if they'd extended an invisible dam to keep the water away, a semi-circle around them in about a thirty foot radius. "Wait, I'm confused. So is this place real? And if it is real, why pretend that there's no faerie pathway there, if they had to use a faerie pathway to get there? This is fucked up." I took another pull off the flask and handed it to him. "We haven't been out here in this lovely weather for nothing, have we? Please tell me we haven't been out here for nothing."

He took a swig off of the flask and clapped me on the back. "Oh, it's real, professor. The pathway's real, they tried to hide it with their magic. The question is, when we find it, if we can open the door."

"A door. Out here. Yeah." I wasn't happy with that answer. "Like there's going to be a door sticking up out of the ground and you can see all the way around it but when you open the door it shows a different world. Maybe we should just go home and open my wardrobe door and see if Narnia's there. Makes about as much sense to me."

Horatio laughed. "Narnia. Right." He handed me the flask. "That's a good one."

I waited a second or two but when he didn't say anything I gave him an annoyed look. "If you tell me Narnia's real..."

"Sorry, lad, couldn't help myself."

"Whatever." I really wished I had a cigarette. "Got any more cigars?"

"Out."

"Fucking hell. So we've just got to sit here until they find some goddamned pathway and then what? We go up there, say 'Hey, faeries, what the fuck do you know about the WLF and the Harry Potter Series, and by the way why the hell are you publishing my book?' Sure that'll go over like a lead balloon."

A shout went up from where Zeke and Daphne had been working. I swiveled my head about and there was Agent Wright, smiling and waving his arms over to us. Horatio got up and laughed, leaving me sitting there shaking my head. When I saw Daphne leaning against a very old, very tall wooden door out in the middle of nowhere I emptied Horatio's flask and started walking.

-ooo-

The next thing I remember was Horatio leaning over me, peering at me oddly. "Professor, how do you feel?"

I looked over Horatio's shoulder to see masses of leaves spiraling from trees, something that looked like what I imagined Rivendell looked like from reading Tolkien. I blinked a couple of times and made an assessment; nothing hurt, I had a slight headache and my mouth was really dry. I swallowed a couple of times, and on the third try it felt better. "Kinda like a weak hangover."

A high pitched, feminine, musical laugh came from my other side, "Better than expected."

I looked over to where the other voice came from and felt myself take a deep breath in shock. She was a female, that was obvious from the soft curves of her face, but the ears left little doubt in my mind that she was a faerie. Kind of like Tinkerbell from Disney, but not in that anodyne animation way, she was...alluring was the only thing that came to my mind. Short, spiky brown hair reminded me of Lavinia's pixie haircut, and somewhere in the recesses of my mind I wondered if the haircut had originated with people remembering visits from the faeries. Somehow a flash of my mother reminding me to be polite when I was a child came into my mind and I somehow found my voice. "Hello, I'm Hank. Pleased to meet you."

She smiled at me. "Hello there Hank of Hogwarts. I'm Reena." She smirked at me. "But I usually don't introduce myself when someone's lying on the ground."

"Oh. Sorry." I started to get up but my head felt a bit woozy. "Uh..."

"Here." Zeke appeared to my right and with the combined efforts of Horatio they brought me to a sitting position. After a few steadying breaths they helped me to my feet, and that was when I turned to see Reena. She looked to me as if she would be about the same height as most of my third years, but her lithe frame told me that she was probably much more...mature than the third years.

"Better?"

Reena looked up at me and gave me an odd look, tilting her head the way I've seen my dog do every now and then when something intrigued the Corgi. I hurriedly blinked and tried to get that out of my mind. I nodded. "I guess." I looked over to Horatio. "What happened?"

He shrugged and nodded his head in Reena's direction.

"Oh, it's the magic." She smiled at me. "You are mostly one of the..."

"Shit." I took off my glasses and wiped my goatee with the other hand. "Goddamn percentages again."

Reena giggled. "Oh, my uncle will like you."

Unfortunately the pleasant little scene changed as I felt the air swirl around me, the temperature dropped and part of me wanted to turn and run away, but for some reason I turned around and saw several male faeries, in some sort of armor, long spears in their hands. Reena followed my actions and I soon saw her in front of my little group, her arms out.

"Blix! This isn't the way we welcome visitors!"

He waved her concerns away, reminding me of some Aurors I didn't like, most of all the asshole who tried to get me obliviated and arrested for helping Cassandra Palliurum a while back. Before any one of us could do anything the little bastard waved his hand. My hands shot together in front of me, encased in handcuffs made out of something that I couldn't figure out; they weren't metal, they weren't organic, but it seemed like they were a mix of the two. I turned to see that Horatio, Zeke and Daphne were in the same situation. Fuck.

With spears pointed at us, and Reena complaining the whole way, we started a very long walk through what looked like every fantasy novel or movie combined. The trees grew all along the pathway, arching above our heads until the limbs intertwined and you couldn't tell which tree was which. After walking what seemed like forever signs of habitation started showing up, a little hut here or there, smoke curling out of an old, dead tree, some kind of weird dog-thing ran about being chased by very small faeries, two of them flying on impossibly small, translucent wings. It was while walking, not really noticing where I was going because I was busy watching the flying faeries that I ran into Zeke's back. Everyone had stopped.

I moved back several steps from Zeke and watched as a hovering faerie in the same armor as the assholes seemed to be arguing with the head asshole, and that was when I smelled it. Cigarette smoke. Following my nose I saw a very old female faerie, huddled in a shiny blue and green shawl, sitting cross-legged against a tree, puffing away on what could only be a Muggle cigarette. A quick glance led me to realize that all the arguing up front had everyone's attention so I decided to say fuck it and give it a shot. Slowly, stepping side to side as quietly as I could, I made my way over the narrow path and ended up next to the old faerie.

I knelt down as slowly as I could, wincing when my knees cracked, and kept my voice low. "Excuse me, I know it's terribly rude to ask, but could I bum one of those? After the last few days, especially today, I could use one."

The wrinkled little faerie woman took a long drag off of the cigarette, her bright eyes almost impossibly blue. She held my gaze for a while and then looked down at my handcuffs.

"Shit. Yeah. Damn it, I wish these were off." Almost after I'd said the words I heard a slight 'click' and felt the material ease. Amazingly the handcuffs hung loose on my wrists and again another memory swirled to the surface, Malfoy's voodoo Granny telling me to remember 'where I'd been kissed.' I chuckled slightly and when I looked back up at the old faerie she held out a wonderful, amazing Muggle cigarette. I took the offered smoke, glanced quickly to confirm the scary faeries were still arguing or not paying attention to me and sat down next to the faerie, copying her cross-legged style. Without thinking I pulled out my wand, lit my smoke and sat there exulting in the cigarette. I put my wand back in my pocket and then felt bad; I knew my manners were lacking again. With my hand still in my pocket I pulled out some change and found a Sickle and an American dollar bill along with a ten pound note. Enough to buy more than a few packs of smokes but it didn't matter to me.

I handed her the money. "Please accept this. It's the least I can do to repay your kindness. I'm Hank Boyd, by the way."

Her eyes went wide and a smile broke out amongst the mass of wrinkles. She took the money from me, stuffed it down her front like I'd seen old women do in bingo parlors and took another puff off of her cigarette. "Well done."

"Thanks." I nodded gratefully. "You have no idea how bad I've wanted one of these."

It was at that time when my little escape became known. The head asshole was over to me quicker than shit and his spear pointed at my face. The old faerie lifted up her hand and knocked the spear away. "Stop it, Blix."

Immediately the head asshole righted his spear and stood at attention. Not knowing what else to do, and obviously in the middle of shit again, I just took another puff of my cigarette, making sure to blow the smoke away from him. I took a chance and peered up at the crowd that had gathered around us, and when I made it through the scowling faces to Horatio and Zeke I was confused. Horatio looked, well, sort of scared and Zeke looked at me like I'd just given him a winning lottery ticket and then set it on fire.

Reena pushed her way through between Zeke and Horatio's legs and stood in front of me, hands on her hips like a very tiny Molly Weasley mixed with Peter Pan and shook her finger at the old faerie. "You were supposed to stop that filthy habit!"

I looked over to the old faerie who simply shrugged at Reena and took another drag and then exhaled slowly, smoke circling around her head in a spiral, something I knew I would never be able to do even if I tried the rest of my life and had Hermione charm me. That'd never happen because she'd tell me off for smoking and then tell Melody and then I'd get it, but I didn't care because I didn't have on handcuffs and I had a cigarette. After what seemed an eternity the old faerie turned to me and gave me a smile that seemed to gather all the wrinkles in her face and push them together.

"I am Cleeva, Hank Boyd."

I gave her a curt nod. "Very nice to meet you, Cleeva. Thanks again for the smoke." I heard Zeke mutter under his breath and looked over to him. "What? You gonna bust on me for smoking, too?"

He shook his head. "No, Hank. She...she knows your full name."

"Yeah? So?" I took a drag and looked at everyone; all of them had odd looks on their face. "I just told her my name, but it's not the full name. I hate it when I have to tell people I'm Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd. What?"

Cleeva held up a wrinkled hand and opened her fingers to show the money I gave her resting on her palm. "It was a deal, he offered without my asking."

Reena turned to Blix and gave him a defiant glare. "You can't touch him now, Blix. He made a deal and it was accepted."

Blix turned towards Daphne, Horatio and Zeke. "They have made no deals. He broke arrest, his life is forfeit."

"Nonsense." Cleeva shook her head at him. "Now let his friends go or I'll have words with your mother."

Undeterred Blix continued to point the spear at my friends, keeping it level with Horatio's stomach. "The others should have been captured when they arrived, I won't have that happen again!"

Cleeva rolled her eyes and waved her hand with the cigarette at my friends; I didn't hear a spell or anything but their handcuffs fell away and dropped to the thick, green grass. "Report in, Blix, and leave us. Reena, I believe we could use some refreshments."

Reena nodded and then very fine, blue-tinted wings sprung from her back and she flew away. Blix shouldered his spear, barked orders and the rest of the armored faeries followed him, marching in a single-file line. As I watched them go I heard something, like something crashing through a forest and hitting every tree; when I looked the trees and shrubs were moving, forming a little table out of their branches in front of me and Cleeva, while other trees bent their tops so that we had a canopy. As the others sat down around the newly-formed table I looked over to Zeke and he still had a look on his face like I was either a genius or a massive idiot. It didn't take long to figure out.

"Hank..." He shook his head at me. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"I got a cigarette?"

"Not by a long shot." He looked over to Cleeva. "What would you have asked for?"

She chuckled. "Oh, don't fuss, kinling. He was always safe. Manners help, you know." She arched an eyebrow at Zeke. "You know you have fae blood, don't you, child?"

His shoulders sank and he exhaled loudly. "I'd always wondered..."

Cleeva gave him a small smile and looked off to the distance. "Where is that child? I'm feeling a bit peckish."

At that point Horatio couldn't take it any longer and laughed, long and loud, his beard shaking slightly. He took off his tiny glasses and cleaned them on his shirt. "Excuse my ill-manners, but this is nothing like the stories. And you, Hank...you're full of surprises."

I stubbed out my cigarette on the ground and put it in my pocket, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Cleeva, who smiled and said nothing. I turned back to Zeke. "Hey, I may only be 1.3 percent wizard but it's a damned good 1.3 percent, if I say so myself."

At that point Reena flew back, a wicker basket in her arms. She landed softly, her wings disappeared and she put the basket on the table. She sat down next to Zeke and turned to Cleeva. "Granny, Blix is reporting in as we speak. I expect we will have visitors soon."

Cleeva rolled her eyes, reached forward and began unpacking the basket. Fruit that I'd never seen, pastries and some sort of pickled vegetables in a clear globe that looked like it was suspended in a really big droplet of water sat on the table. With a poke of a gnarled finger she popped the bubble, and the vegetables softly fell onto a clean, green leaf about the size of a dinner plate. A large gourd was pulled out of the basket next, with several small tumblers made out of wood or something like that, each of them floating towards us and settling softly on the table. Cleeva poured for each of us, a crystal clear liquid that looked like water but held a fruity aroma.

After the cigarette I was thirsty so I took the glass, nodded toward Cleeva and with a quick 'Sláinte' took a sip. It was delicious, like a drink of cool, clear water after a long, hot day, completely refreshing and with just a hint of some delicious fruit that I couldn't place. After taking a drink I looked over to Zeke who reached up and put his palm over his face in disbelief. "What?"

Horatio leaned over to Zeke. "Not a clue, doesn't have a clue, does he?"

Cleeva picked up her cup and tilted it slightly towards me, said something in a flowing language that I couldn't understand and drained her cup. Right after she sat it down we heard the noise, something like a swarm of angry hornets, and there they were, Blix at the lead; a group of faeries, the one next to Blix wearing a shimmering silver crown. As they landed I realized the one in the front was also female, and it was obvious how everyone deferred to her that she was in charge. In charge and rather angry.

"Cleeva!" The head-faerie-in-charge walked over quickly, her gossamer green robe billowing out behind her. "What have you done?"

Cleeva laughed. "I have made a bargain, your Grace. Now we are having refreshments. Would you care to join us?"

That caught the elf off-guard; thinking for a moment she turned to the others. "Twenty paces." They followed her directions immediately, but Blix did give her an odd look before agreeing and following her orders. She then turned to the little old faerie and with angry, semi-glowing yellow eyes began to yell but stopped as Cleeva held up her hand. Cleeva gave her a soft 'tut-tut' as if she was a small child who'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Surprisingly the faerie queen lady stopped and looked over at all of us, watched Cleeva pull out another cup from the basket and set it at her side. Horatio quickly moved over to give her space at the table.

As the queen or whatever sat down Cleeva poured the water in the cup and clasped her hands in her lap, as if waiting for something. With an 'I can't believe this shit' sigh the faerie took a sip of water and then placed the cup down on the table. "Thank you, Matron Cleeva."

Cleeva smiled again, broadly, the wrinkles reminding me of one of those old National Geographic pictures of some ancient woman from the Andes or something. She nodded towards the regal faerie. "Thank you, Marandar, your Grace. It is important for one of your stature to remember manners amongst guests."

"Guests?" The faerie, Marandar, and I didn't know then if it was a title or a name, looked aghast. "They were not invited."

"Yes, but I invited them to this table." Cleeva gave her a 'suck it' smile. "And while they are at this table they are my guests."

I looked over to Horatio and Zeke, hoping to get a clue, but they were watching as if transfixed. Daphne, on the other hand, was watching the byplay very carefully. Slytherins.

Marandar leaned over the table. "Do not abuse your position, Cleeva."

"At my age, what else is there?" She pointed to me. "He offered me a bargain and paid without asking. All the money in his pockets, if I'm not mistaken. He also used his wand, sheathed it with no malice, and when finished with his smokey put it in his pocket so to not leave it in the forest. He also gave me his true name without hesitation. He also gave me the old toast and drank without fear."

Marandar looked at me rather intently. It felt like she was trying to count how many hairs were in my goatee and I couldn't look away. Suddenly she sat up and turned to Zeke. "You are a kinling."

Zeke, who up until that point hadn't said a word, nodded his head. "I had always wondered, your Grace."

Cleeva smiled again. "See, Marandar? Manners will get you far in this world. Something you should remember from time to time if that crown isn't squeezing your little brain to tightly." She clapped her hands and looked over to me. "Now, Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd, why don't you tell us how you got here? I'm sure that's an interesting story." She reached into her pocket and handed me another cigarette. "On the house."

"Thanks!" I took the cigarette and smiled. "It'd have to be on the house, I gave you all my money the first time." I reached into my pocket, took out my wand and lit the cigarette, exhaling over everyone's head to not be rude. "Well, I was there on the shore with Daphne..."

It was at that moment that Daphne threw her cup at me and hit me square on the forehead.

"Ow! Goddamnit, Daphne, you mental Slytherin!"

"Names!" Daphne hissed at me.

"That fucking hurt!" I rubbed my forehead. "Listen, if..." I stopped as Daphne was obviously yelling at me but no sound came out of her mouth. She stopped trying to yell, her eyes went wide and she put her hands to her throat. I heard a little cackle and saw Cleeva smiling widely. "Oh you are a wonderful person, you have no idea how long I've been wanting that to happen."

I don't know if Zeke and Horatio had been silenced, since they didn't say anything and their mouths weren't moving, so I went ahead and told them our tale. That there was a series of books that had been published, about Harry Potter, and they were all blatant bullshit lies but there were pieces of things in the books that nobody should have known, that we were tracing the gold and I had a crazy ass dream where my dead professor from college, my ancient MacDonald ancestor and my Granny had come to me in a dream and I'd ended up with the words of their island on my hand so we'd come here. Zeke had always thought he had faerie blood in him, so he had researched faeries and Horatio was an expert in weird stuff but he was good at finding odd things. I thought about telling them Daphne was a kleptomaniac witch with a fixation on breeding pixies with hippogriffs but I thought that wouldn't be wise, so instead I told them that she worked with Horatio, had saved my life and despite her attractive appearance had horrible flatulence. Maybe not the smartest move, as Daphne looked like she wanted to rip my head off and use it as a Quaffle but I was going to take advantage of the fact she couldn't talk for as long as possible. Since Daphne was giving me the 'I'm going to fucking kill you as soon as possible' look I doubled back and told them that the people we were trying to track down were really horrible, they were uniting under Voldemort's principles, using him as a martyr figure and they wanted to get rid of anything and everything that wasn't a wizard; more importantly I told them that we, along with Harry and Ron and pretty much everyone in the Wizarding world with a brain wanted to stop them. Then I remembered Astoria Malfoy and told them that they were also, even though we couldn't prove it, trying to get rid of magic in people they didn't deem appropriate by poisoning them with some unknown potion or something.

They'd been listening fairly well, somewhat reserved, but when I mentioned Voldemort, and especially the horrible thing done to Astoria Marandar seemed rather agitated. She played with the cup, running her fingers around the lip, right until I finished my tale. She looked Cleeva in the eyes, and when the old faerie nodded Marandar's shoulders seemed to sag. She looked at me, this time not in anger, but in sadness. "Thank you for your truthfulness, Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd. My predecessor has show great wisdom yet again." She paused, looking at all of us, as if judging us. Finally she turned back to me. "I am Marandar, Queen of this realm of Fae. Cleeva, who sits next to you, was once a Queen, a Queen in more peaceful times. I apologise for Blix, as our previous...visitors were not as...polite as you have been." She paused yet again, this time for a really long time until I thought she was meditating or something. Finally she looked back to me. "We know of the Voldemort. He was no friend to the Fae. Some of our...darker folk followed him. We believe it was one of them that showed the previous visitors how to find our realm. They took our Gazer."

I nodded respectfully. "I am sorry for your loss, thought I don't know what a Gazer is."

Cleeva nodded in my direction. "A Gazer is one of the Fae who has sight into the future."

"Oh shit." I rubbed my forehead where Daphne had hit me. I was sure it was going to leave a bump. "Sorry, I apologize for my language. But if they took your Gazer, maybe that's how they're finding out what happens in the future. It isn't a leak, it's a seer."

Marandar fixed me with a pointed look. "What will you do if you find them?"

"Well..." I took off my glasses and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "Me? Not much, I'm crap with a wand. But those guys..." I gestured towards my friends. "...they're great with magic. I'm pretty sure they'd capture the others and bring them to Harry so he can throw the book at them."

"And what of our Gazer?"

I looked at her incredulously, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Help him, or her...is it a her?" I got an affirmative nod from Cleeva. "Help her if she's hurt and then help her get back here. I'm not sure I could do much, but I've got an old VW van. Take forever to get up here and I'm not sure I could find the door again because Zeke and Daphne found it last time, but I'd help if I could. Ron and Harry'd help, I know they would."

Marandar cocked her head to the side. "You would not keep her?"

"No!" I laughed, incredulous. "No. That's...that's just wrong. Nobody should be held against their will."

That seemed to settle things. Marandar stood up from the table, causing the rest of us to stand as well. I hurriedly put out my cigarette and stuffed the butt in my pocket with the other one and had to stifle a laugh at the sight of the imposing, regal faerie who came up to the middle of Horatio's thigh. She looked up to Horatio. "You and the other two will remain as guests of the realm. I require further counsel on the matter. You..." She looked over at me. "You will not fare well if you remain here in my realm. You have too little magic."

"Figures." I looked over and saw that the Queen was not finished. "I apologize for interrupting, your Majesty."

"Apology accepted, Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd. You have treated the fae well, though you did not know the rules. As a boon in your quest I will send Reena to accompany you."

Reena's wings popped out and she hovered, flitting like a hummingbird and clapped her hands. "A mission amongst the big folk!"

Marandar pointed her finger at Reena. "Reena, you are an ambassador of the Realm. Behave accordingly. I can recall you whenever I choose, remember that."

Reena's wings disappeared and she popped down immediately, nodding deferentially. "Yes, your Grace."

Marandar nodded. "Good. Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd, I will now send you back to the one who can help. Yes, we know of Harry Potter here in the Realm, as do all the faerie realms. We will contact you when required."

I felt a hand, a very small hand on my hand and looked down to see Cleeva smiling up at me. "If you can send any menthols back I'd be very appreciative."

"Granny!" Reena shook her head. "At your age?"

Before I could even laugh Marandar pointed her hand at me and I saw a faint, electric blue haze surround her fist. Reena flew up, kind of launched herself at me and it was reflex that caused me to catch her, reminding me of when HR would launch himself off of the furniture at me, trusting me to catch him. Almost as soon as I realized that I was holding a faerie Marandar let the blue haze shoot off of her hand and cover us.

And then we were gone.

-ooo-

When Marandar said she was sending me to Harry Potter she wasn't lying. It felt like coming out of a portkey, but instead of the normal portkey weird sci-fi traveling in a tube shit it was like a portkey on steroids. A portkey on steroids that deposited me and a faerie right on top of Harry and Ginny's coffee table. Our arrival did several things. One, it broke the coffee table. Two, it made Harry drop the paper and toss his tea in the air, a tea cup that was unfortunately close to his lap. Three, it made Ginny scream and try to cover herself, as even in the split-second that everything happened I could see that she was only wearing a skimpy vest and knickers. That's how I ended up at the Potters' house, sitting in the debris of a broken coffee table while Ginny covered herself with a sofa cushion and Harry hopped around the room as hot tea had landed in a very bad spot. Never a good thing, but a really bad thing when you're only wearing boxer shorts.

The commotion caused Kreacher to pop into the room, ready to defend his family, but the second that he saw Reena sitting in my lap his demeanor completely changed. He stopped, bowed to Reena and then snapped his fingers. Harry's boxer shorts were dry and two dressing gowns hovered in the air in front of his masters. As Ginny and Harry quickly put on their dressing gowns I carefully put my hand on the floor, avoiding splinters and other pieces of wood, and pushed myself to a standing position.

"Uh, sorry Ginny. Harry. I can explain."

Ginny glared at me. "You'd better, Hank. We finally get a weekend with no children and you just pop in here, through all the wards..."

I caught Harry's eye, though; even though he was looking at me he wasn't really looking at me. Reena stood tall, straightened her shoulders and flitted up so she was eye level. She looked back at me and then cleared her throat.

"Oh yeah." I gave Harry a weak smile. "First, it's really me, I was there with the whole cow thing and Ron. Harry, this is Reena. She's an..." I looked over to Reena. "What are you again, an emissary?"

"Ambassador." She gave me the look Hermione gives Ron when he's being thick.

"Right. Harry, this is Reena. She's an ambassador from Queen Marandar's Realm of the Fae. And she's here to help us catch the assholes who are writing those books."

A/N: No, I'm not dead, and this isn't over, I just...well, let's be honest; I wrote myself into a corner and had no idea what to do. Then I got the idea for Time and the Moon (which will be updated soon, I promise) and then the whole Honksy Lady Black, Lord Potter thing started.

Writing Hank is easy, since I know the character well, but remembering everything isn't the easiest since it has been a while since I've worked on this story. Sometimes I'm too ambitious, too many story threads working, etc. This will be finished, I hate leaving WIPs floating about and unfinished stories annoy the hell out of me. For those wanting an update on Lady Black, Lord Potter, don't fret it'll come soon.

Thanks for reading.