Chapter 18: S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night

"I hate kids."

It didn't help that the two other occupants of my office simultaneously began laughing. I glared at both of them. They should have understood. I mean, Greene and I were music geeks from way back and Penny was my magical music geek friend. It was going to be great, the music theme for the seventh years, but no, I didn't have that luck. They didn't let it rest with laughter, of course.

Mike leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs, letting the drawl back into his words on purpose. "You're just pissed that they didn't pick what you wanted them to pick."

"Exactly!" Penny, this time with somewhat subdued orange hair, shook her head. "What'd you expect? You listened to a lot of shite music before, right? Mike?"

"Oh hell yeah." He nodded. "Everybody does."

"See?" Penny sat back and tucked a leg underneath her in my big green chair. "I know there was a time when I thought Celestina Warbeck was good." She mimed sticking a finger down her throat and gagging. "But that was before I got my own little portable wireless."

"Nuh-uh." I shook my head slowly from side to side, looking at each of them pointedly. "Fuck you, and fuck you. I had to listen to the goddamn Bay City Rollers. The Bay City Fucking Rollers. The whole shitty thing. You know that crap sticks in your head. why oh why did she have pick that crap? And now I have to grade a paper on them! And then, if you can believe it, it got worse." I sighed deeply, threw open my desk drawer and began to root around in there. Had to be a pack of smokes somewhere in there, at least a couple left.

It had all started so promisingly. After Stanwick Miller and Peri Brooks-Thompson had joined the class I'd expanded the eras so that they had the 00's decade of music, the discussions of things I'd played in class had gone well, and when it came to the first group presentation on Fifties music I'd been pleasantly surprised. Daisy had gone what I'd considered a safe route, with Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Buddy Holly, but Jim-Bob really surprised me. I had made sure in my discussions with them that even though the examples of the music I'd played in class was mostly rock music, I didn't expect them to limit themselves to rock. In my mind that meant country, because there was no way to talk about rock 'n' roll without mentioning country. Also because Hank Williams and Johnny Cash were awesome. But Jim-Bob went another way; jazz. Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Dave Brubeck were somewhat unsurprising, given they are giants of jazz, but then he threw on Ornette Coleman followed by Frank Sinatra's 'Wee Small Hours' and I couldn't have been happier. Even though he didn't say much usually, which meant that his presentation was probably the most I'd ever heard him say at one time either in or out of class, he obviously loved the music. Then he and Daisy both began the part of their presentation on how both of their selections had been influential and had changed perceptions of music. That had been encouraging; if I'm being honest it also made me feel a little full of myself, that I was a great teacher and shit.

I'd planned on going sequentially through the decades but Robin Murray got pulled out of class for something or other by Titus and I couldn't just have Ellie Paxton do her presentation along with his, so I skipped over to the Seventies. To be honest I was fairly excited to see what they'd selected, based on the first presentation. The moment Carys got up, connected her WUMP to the speakers and I heard the Bay City Fucking Rollers I knew I was in for it. I thought I could handle the Rollers because, if I'm honest, it's just saccharine pseudo-rock for the Tiger Beat and 16 Magazine audience (which I had to explain, painfully) but then it got worse.

"I love the Carpenters." Greene sat back and uncrossed his legs, giving me a deadpan, serious look as if he was trying to tell me that he'd just discovered a way to make my hair grow back. "It's some of the most..."

"Awful, goody two-shoes bullshit." I shivered. "Makes me want to play anything loud. Even the Grateful Dead."

Mike let out a low whistle. "Jesus, you do hate the Carpenters." He looked over and saw Penny's odd look. "We had rules in the dorm room. One was that I didn't play the Dead when he was in there and he didn't play The Fall." Seeing her laugh he looked over to me. "Found a smoke yet?"

"Shut up." I slammed the drawer shut, stood up and began rummaging through my cabinets. "It was fucking awful. Rollers, Carpenters, fucking Bread. BREAD, for fuck's sake. When Parke-Ivy put on Led Zeppelin I could have kissed him."

Both of them laughed at my expense, again, so thank Merlin or whatever witch or wizard that answers requests, I found that smashed down under a copy of '300 Magical Places to See Before You Die' that Percy had given me was a crumpled, almost completely stale pack of cigarettes with three intact smokes. Two were kind of smushed, but if I had to I'd resort to taping the pieces together and hoping that the cellophane tape wouldn't incinerate my lungs. In an altogether better mood I went over, opened the window and after a few tries finally got my wand to make enough flame to light one.

"Better?" Penny smirked. "Or should we wait until the second one? How's it taste?"

"Awful and wonderful. Stale as shit." I took a drag. "Mel told you two to come up here, didn't she?"

"Sorta." Penny shrugged. "I'd stopped over to Colony to see her and the gnomes the other night and she mentioned that your class was doing presentations. Thought I'd stop by and see how it's going since the band's done."

"Really?" Mike gave her a sympathetic look. "Sorry to hear that, wanted to catch one of the shows soon. Let's see, we know about bands breaking up, were you..."

Penny scrunched into the chair further. "It just wasn't working. Besides, I'm tired of being skint all the time. Only Galleons these days is touring and merch. No real radio play which means no real album sales. Get a bit from the WUMP plays, but not enough."

My words of commiseration didn't come because there was a knock on my door. That surprised me because Sunday mornings were usually pretty quiet for me when I had to stay at the castle. Rounds were later that night, but because I was gone a lot over the weekends students didn't often drop by out of the blue. Figuring it was Neville or Cho come to collect her husband (always a sucker for a Hogwarts breakfast when possible) I stayed by the window and hollered 'It's open.'

Instead of Neville or Cho two of my Hufflepuffs slowly opened the door. The boy immediately noticed my smoking but the girl elbowed him before they walked in. They both glanced at Penny and Mike but kept going until they were fairly close.

"Yes?" I took a drag and quickly exhaled. "Something I can help you with?"

"Um..." He paused. "Professor Longbottom asked us to tell you to stop by his office as soon as you can."

"And he said they..." she motioned with her hand "...could help you." She offered up, looking like she wanted nothing better than to turn and walk out of my office as soon as possible.

"Sounds good." I paused, wondering if I should do it, then, well, I just couldn't help myself. "John, will you and Danielle tell Professor Longbottom if you see him before I do that we're on our way?"

Their expressions both echoed something close to relief. "Sure." Danielle began to leave, tugging at John.

I couldn't leave it at that, though. "Oh, and will both of you do a swan dive off of the Astronomy tower?" I heard Danielle mutter 'Merlin's balls' under her breath before she turned around, John mirroring her actions.

John closed his eyes. "I can't go for that."

I nodded. "Danielle?"

She paused, resigned to her fate. After pursing her lips she paused before finally spitting out "No can do."

"Very well. Dismissed." After they left I could see Mike and Penny giving me an odd look. "John Hall and Danielle Hoates."

Penny just mumbled 'Good grief' while Mike laughed uproariously.

-ooo-

I wasn't expecting much, maybe just a Hufflepuff who'd done something with one of George's products, maybe someone who got a detention for something stupid, but nothing drastic. I wasn't sure why Mike and Penny were accompanying me but knowing Neville it couldn't be that bad.

I was wrong. It was bad, but nothing like what I was expecting. Not that level of bad, either, like someone's being expelled or needed a limb reattached or the WLF was attacking or any number of things that came to mind, but after seeing Robin Murray in Neville's office I knew something was up.

Neville stood up as we entered, Murray doing the same thing. "Uh, ok, we're here. What's going on?"

Neville turned to Robin, who was obviously not very happy about being Head Boy at that moment. After a long sigh, and blowing his hair off his forehead and then smooshing it down with a hand he straightened his shoulders. "I didn't know about this or I would have said something. Probably why they didn't tell me. It all started in your class, Professor."

Uh-oh. I knew this couldn't be great, and hopefully nothing had gone horribly wrong, but I didn't say anything. Instead I nodded, prodding him to continue.

"We had all been working on our assignments, and, well, Joe and Sam were teasing Carys and Wendy about the music they'd selected."

That didn't surprise me, Sam complaining, but thankfully Mike made his presence known at that point, asking what music they'd chosen. Murray just answered almost as a reflex, probably just to keep things moving.

"Well the Bay City Rollers, for one..."

"Right." I turned to Penny and gave her my best professorial 'shut the fuck up' glare and turned back to Murray. "Ok, they were teasing about crap music, I don't see why we're here. There's got to be more to it than that."

Nodding sadly, Robin turned to Neville, got a reassuring 'get on with it' look and sighed. "Sam said it was shite music to party to, which started everyone in study group discussing exactly what would be the best music to play at a party. At that point I had to leave, one of the second year girls needed to go to the Hospital Wing. Dreadful nosebleed, probably one of those nougats. You know the kind. When I got back they were all gone, so I figured I'd go on and do some revision. I didn't really notice until it was late and there weren't many in the common room. Found it odd that it was only the younger years."

Oh shit. Now my spidey-sense was tingling. I looked over to Neville. "So they threw a party? Shit."

"Apparently so." Moving some papers on his desk he looked down. "The ward reports don't show anyone leaving the grounds. They do, however, show someone entering the grounds. That's one of the reasons I've called you here." He turned to Mike and Penny. "Since I know you can use a wand, Penny, I'd like you to accompany Hank. Mike, I thought you could help out since apparently you and Hank have, well, in your past...in your youth, from what Hank's told me of your college days..."

Mike laughed. "Yeah, we've, uh, got some experience."

"Precisely." Neville almost laughed for a second, then caught himself. "I've been in there after Murray guessed where they were, and I think it would be best for everyone involved if it was you who went in there, Hank, and not me. As Titus'..."

"You'd have to do something officially, right?" I ran a hand over my goatee. "Got it. So it's a bunch of hungover kids in the debris of a party. This ought to be good, I mean, it's..." I took a look at my watch. "...almost 8:30 on Sunday morning. So this ought to be good. Ok, where is party central?"

"Room of Requirement."

"Huh? The room that Hermione told me about ages ago? Where's that, Nev?"

Penny laughed. "Oh, of course. Obviously. We used to...I know where it is, Hank. Follow me."

"Hank?" Neville gave me the Head of Gryffindor look. The one I'd seen only a few times and had never been on the receiving end, thankfully. "Since this came out of your class, even though it wasn't on purpose, I think you should handle it appropriately. Stop back when you're finished and let me know your decisions. I've asked one of the house elves to wait there to let you in."

Fuck. I nodded, turned to Penny and then Mike and I followed her out of the room.

It took for freaking ever to make it up to the ass-end of the seventh floor, all the way on the left corridor, stopping finally when we got to a house elf I'd never seen standing next to a fucked-up tapestry. I mean, trolls are dumb as shit, so teaching them ballet was never gonna happen, but apparently someone thought it was a good enough idea to try to immortalize it forever. Reminded me of the dancing elephants or hippos in Fantasia, but just weirder. I asked the house elf to let us in and once a bit of house elf hand waving magic was completed a door appeared. I looked over to Penny. "Is this what usually happens?"

"Nah." She took out a pair of bright green glasses with rhinestones on the frames and peered at the door. "Usually you have to walk by it three times ,thinking really hard about what you need and the room will just show up."

"Convenient." Mike nodded. "So if you and your girlfriend or boyfriend want a bit of space..."

"Oh, it's much more than that." She turned to me. "Since you're the professor, Hank, have at it."

Opening the door I was immediately hit by the smells. Stale beer, smoke, that awful smell when something has been set on fire and smoldered for a bit, wine that'd gone off...and then I saw it. "Holy shit."

Mike peeked around my shoulder. "Holy shit is right. They threw a rager."

Apparently for the party the room had decided that there needed to be a dance floor, that was off to the side, a large bar covered with mostly empty bottles stood against the far wall and there were speakers absolutely everywhere. Up in the corners, off against the wall, sitting on tables. Couches and chairs were clumped in groups, inhabited by sprawling students. An honest to God teepee looking like it could be from an old western movie or one of those hippie yurt places was off in one corner while a slowly fading lantern on top seemed to be losing it's strobe light enchantment. The remains of what must have been beer pong were not too far by. To be honest it looked like what every 80's movie teenage party set would have been and, if I'm even more honest, it reminded me of my college homecoming one year.

"Homecoming, uh, '89." Mike looked over to me. "Was it '88 or '89?"

"Nine. That's the year Justin decided we needed a Jell-o slide."

"That didn't end well."

"No shit. This isn't gonna end well, either. Right now I'm just trying to decide how much shit I'm in if they're all...shit. Shit, shit, shit." I began to pick my steps through the debris, shoes sticking slightly to the floor, and made my way over to one clump of chairs and sofas. One chair was empty, so I sat down in that one, immediately regretting my decision because my jeans began to soak in whatever had been spilled in that chair. Penny was no help, as she took out her wand and conjured up two nice, non-wet chairs for her and Mike. Apparently they had both decided to follow my lead, which wasn't really that smart as I had no fucking clue what to do next.

I did, however, see a pack of cigarettes on the table next to an almost overflowing ashtray. I picked them up, shook out the broken ones, and thankfully found at least three intact smokes. After lighting one I exhaled deeply, blowing out the smoke, and took a look the the sofa next to me. I had to laugh, as it was funny. No two ways about it. There, in their pants, were Joe Parke-Ivy and Ritchie Lister, two of my seventh year Muggle studies students. I kicked Joe's foot, not too softly and sat back as he began to pull himself together.

"What the...ooooooh fuuuuuuuck."

"Yeah, that's...that's appropriate." I took another drag. "So you and Ritchie?"

"What?" He raised up on an elbow, waking Ritchie.

Lister began to stir. "Merlin, that was..." He took a look and realised that he was almost naked and on the sofa with Joe. "To be honest I've woken up with uglier, mate." Following Joe's eyes he turned and realised I was there, waving at him. "Bollocks." With that he laid back down, grabbed a pillow and stuck it over his face.

Joe sat up, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was only wearing his pants. "Is that chair still wet?"

"It is. I'm hoping Penny can dry me off later, you know, with her wand, since she can do magic. You know, a spell to dry things out. Things they teach you at, um, what's this...oh yeah, a school of magic. As for this place..." I took another drag and blew the smoke over to Joe, who began fanning in front of his face. "I'd love to hear about how all this happened. Some party, eh? I love parties. Mike how about you? Penny? You guys like parties?"

This brought the pillow off of Lister's face for a moment to see Mike and Penny smiling at him. "Fuck me." The pillow returned to his face.

I stood up. "Tell you what, boys, let's put a pin in this and circle back after you've, I don't know, put on some clothes. But you're not leaving yet, oh no, not by a long shot." I stood up and walked over to Penny. "Can you fix my butt?"

"No, but I can dry your jeans." She accepted a high five from Mike and proceeded to do just that.

"Remind me to tell Mel how you brought me more cigarettes." She hadn't brought me cigarettes, but she had in the past, so knowing what I meant she just stuck her tongue out at me and turned to Mike. With another drag off the smoke I turned back to the room, wondering where to start. Without a better option, and wondering what the hell it was doing there, I figured it would be best to start with the teepee.

Picking my way over a couple of Ravenclaw seventh years who weren't in my class I finally ended up by the teepee, wondering what I should do next. Remembering one summer when I'd come home from college, met up with some high school friends and drank way too much beer, I thought back to how Dad had woken me up. I was wishing I had a bucket of water, his method, when I felt something touch my leg. There it was, a gleaming, silver bucket full of water. Apparently the room of requirement was magical enough that it didn't require any actual magic from me, which was a nice touch since usually Hogwarts required actual magic to get most stuff to work. Not counting the points awarded, and a few other things, but it felt good to actually have magic kinda-sorta work. I picked up the bucket, opened the flap of the teepee with my other hand and took a step in, ready to pour, but as soon as I saw who was in there I stopped.

With most of her clothes on, and half out of the blanket, was a sleeping Ellie Paxton. My favourite seventh year Hufflepuff. The kid lying next to her was nobody I'd ever seen before in my life; dark-haired, very tan and very in-shape boy who was only wearing boxer shorts. AC/DC boxer shorts, but still. Mostly naked. I had planned on throwing the water on them but seeing Ellie there, well, I couldn't. Instead I dipped my fingers in the water and began flicking water towards Ellie. Eventually it brought her somewhere close to awake so I sat down the bucket and crouched down. "Eleanor, was it a good party?"

I watched everything play out over her face in seconds. The realisation that it was the next morning, that she was basically undressed next to a rather fit young man, and then the immediate, crushing reality that her head of house was there in the teepee with her.

"MERLIN!" Her shout roused the kid next to her as she pulled the blanket from him and covered herself up, all the way to her neck. "Professor Muggle!"

"Yep, that's me." I took the last drag off of the smoke and tossed it into the bucket, where it sizzled for just a moment. "And while I'd really like to know about the teepee what I need to know right now is who the hell is that next to you? He's not a Hogwarts student, is he?"

At this point AC/DC underwear dude began fumbling around next to his head, pulled on some seriously thick black-framed glasses and stared at me. "Dad's gonna kill me." While I was wondering about his accent, which sounded American, he began to lie down again but Ellie reached out from under her blanket and hit his arm. With a chutzpah that only young males seem to have he sat up straight, extending his hand for me to shake. "Ulysses Crumb, sir. You must be Professor Muggle. Dad's told me about you."

I gave him a 'you've got to be kidding me look' and he put his hand down. "Are you Gid's son?"

"One of them. I decided to come visit and ended up in Hogsmeade. Got invited to a party and..." he gestured around like 'what can you do.'

"Riiiiiight." I stood up. "Put on some clothes and get out here. I'm gonna get everyone up and then we'll see exactly how much of a shit-sandwich you all get to deal with." With that I exited the tent, heading back over to the coffee table to have another cigarette. I definitely needed it.

It took what seemed like forever to get everyone awake. While I was doing that Penny and Mike were corralling everyone, getting stories, trying to keep the ones freaking out somewhat calm, sobering some of them up, providing buckets to those who were having a bit of morning stomach issues. Thankfully it seemed that the party was confined to only the sixth and seventh years plus one of Gideon's kids. To say that I was now the most well-informed professor regarding student dating gossip was undeniable. Now I was able to say, with some certainty, that yes, Peri Brooks-Thompson had lost her mind and was now dating Sam Campbell, that Henrietta Moss was with Agnes Benjamin, and that Daisy Jenkins had broken up with Stanwick Miller. This was obvious as the pile of girls around Daisy and the smoldering fire smell that had hit me when I entered the room was due to the pile of Stanwick's stuff that they had burned. My biggest clue was the picture of Daisy and Stanwick with 'WANKER' written on Stanwick's face in red.

Everyone had finally woken up and stopped puking, congregating for some reason around the teepee. I was wishing there was some podium or somewhere I could address everyone when a small set of steps began forming in front of me, leading up to a small platform. I love that fucking room. Taking full advantage of the room I wished for another cigarette and the pack flew off the table towards me, slowing down and hovering right above chest level. I took the pack, fished out the last cigarette and crumpled the packet, throwing it down on the floor. Taking out my wand I started the fire as usual, but this time it came out in an unbelievably smooth flame, like something from one of those fancy-ass cigar lighters. After taking a puff I looked out at them. They all looked pitiful, as if expecting the voice of doom. Fucking-a right. If that's what they expected, than who was I to disappoint them.

"I am unbelievably disappointed in all of you. Wait, scratch that, I'm enormously...I can't even think of the fucking word to do justice to how disappointed I am. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you think nobody would notice? Nobody would go 'hey, where are all the sixth and seventh years tonight?' You weren't thinking, not at all. And before any of you smartasses pipes up and says that I've never done something like this, you're right. I was never this fucking stupid. I did this kind of shit when I was in college, when I was on my own, not around little kids. And to do it at school? Idiots. I know you little shits are smarter than this, I've taught you. I grade your goddamn papers. So why the fucking fuck did you decide to not use one bloody iota of brainpower and go 'hey, a party'd be great, but let's do it someplace other than HOGWARTS WHILE SCHOOL IS IN SESSION?"

I took a drag and stared at them. Thankfully it seemed like my message was sinking in, very effective until Carys Jones began puking again. "Jesus, someone get her a bucket." As the room popped one in, and thankfully a screen like Pomfrey has in the hospital ward so nobody would see, I continued. Angrier, for some reason. "So I guess this started in Muggle Studies. My class. Ok. If that's the case you are all in Muggle Studies right fucking now. Even those of you who aren't usually in my class? Congrats! You are right now. So here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to ask questions and you're going to answer, just like in class. If Professor Longbottom has to get my ass out of doing what I like best on Sunday morning, which is nothing, then you're gonna tell me a story. Capiche?"

Joe Parke-Ivy, right in front, visibly paled when I'd said Neville's name so I started with him. "Joe, since you were the first one I saw this morning, let's start with you."

"Professor Longbottom knows?"

"Oh yeah, he totally knows. Just be glad he sent me instead of showing up. Or asking the Headmaster to tag along. So, tell me a story. Who's idea was this?"

"Mine." Sam Campbell edged forward. "And the Beastie Boys. Poison, too."

I heard Mike laugh. "Shut it, Greene. Hmmm...fight for your right to party, eh?"

Sam gave me the 'no duh' look. "Well, yeah. You gave me 80's music, right? It's all about partying. Well, most of it. Wendy's picks were crap, you can't party to that. And you said how music was part of parties and dancing and stuff, so that's what we did. Singing too, what's it called, kara-something. We did that. Was it dumb? Yeah. Did it get out of control? Oh yeah. But it was freaking fun. We had a blast."

I nodded. "Ok. Noted." My voice had sounded just like my Dad at that point, which kind of freaked me out slightly, but I kept on. "Ok. Music, dancing, karaoke...I've got no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the alcohol, the cigarettes...don't say one word, I'm an adult and you're not...and the attendance of a certain Mr. Crumb who is not a student. That's what I've got a problem with and that's what Professor Longbottom has a problem with." I took a deep drag of the smoke and sighed. "Listen, all of you in Muggle Club could have had the exact same thing at my house if you would have just waited, without the booze, but no, you just went right on ahead." I wished I could have a list of all the students and their house when a notebook popped into existence around chest high. "This is a list of everyone who was here tonight, whether they are here right now or not. If you go back to your common rooms and they think they've escaped punishment, ha, well, fuck that noise. You're screwed, they're screwed, everyone's screwed. Y'all just better hope that I'm not screwed or your permanent records will be shit. For everyone in Hufflepuff we'll be having a nice little one-on-one chat later. I'm pretty sure the other houses will do the same, I'll talk to them later in the teachers' lounge. Or the Headmaster's office, if it comes to that." I stopped, thinking I was done, but looking out at their faces and seeing the semi-smirk on Sam's face just set me off again. "You know what, scratch that, I'm not scheduling these talks, you are. You get to tell your head of house that you need to speak with them and you figure out when to do it. That goes for the slightly smarter among you that actually slept in their own bed last night."

I tossed the cigarette down and snuffed it out with my foot. My rant seemed to be hitting the mark, if all the scared and mortified faces in the group were anything to go by. Mike was smirking and Penny looked surprisingly impressed. Thinking more about my punishment from Dad I plunged ahead. "When I was this utterly idiotic my Dad made me do all sorts of stuff, mow the lawn at 8 in the morning, wash all the cars, scrape the house so he could paint, all damn day he had me on the hop. Right now I'd like nothing better than to make each and every one of you clean this room until Madame Pomfrey approved but that's pointless. This is a magic room and I'm sure as soon as we leave it'll just clean everything up back to normal. Penny?"

"It would." She agreed. "Like it never happened."

"Well that's pointless." I took off my glasses and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "Utterly fucking pointless. I'm sure there are a lot of things that need done around Hogwarts, we'll figure that out. This isn't the end of this, not by a long shot." I waved the notebook for emphasis. "I have the list. We're not going to just forget this ever happened. Bunch of fucking idiots, all of you."

With that I stepped down from the platform and began making my way over to Mike and Penny. Nobody moved. They all just stood there, some whispering quietly to others, most of them just certain that they were all doomed. I caught Ellie's eye for a moment but she looked away quickly. I'd made my point. "Ok, all of you get the hell out of here and for the love of God go take a shower. You smell awful." As they started to leave I remembered. "Except you, Mr. Crumb. You're coming with me."

I don't think they could have got out of there faster except by running. I think one Ravenclaw girl did run, but there were too many bodies in my way to know for sure. Eventually they all left, leaving me, Mike, Penny and young Mr. Crumb standing there amongst the debris. After a few moments I looked over to Penny. "You ever find out about the teepee?"

"That was me." Ulysses Crumb shrugged his shoulders. "I like westerns."

"American?" Penny cocked an eyebrow towards him.

"Yeah." He shuffled his feet for a moment. "Mom lives in Biloxi."

I thought for a moment. "Laveau?"

He shook his head. "I wanted to go there but Mom went to Ilvermony, so, yeah."

"Then how the hell were you in Hogsmeade? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Independent study. With Dad being, well, Dad, I've hung around the music business for years. Can't sing or play to save my life, but I like the other side. Contracts, booking events, behind the scenes, stuff like that."

"Right." I rolled my eyes. Of course with a famous father like Gid he'd be involved somehow, and like Gid he'd managed to sweet talk his professors into an 'independent study' which let him do what he wanted. Like possibly Ellie. That made whatever friendly conversation we'd just been having come to a complete stop. "Yeah. Well I think we better go talk to Professor Longbottom to see exactly what we're doing with you." We started heading for the door when I put a hand on his arm. "And how did all the booze get here?"

"Uh..." His bravado faltered momentarily. "Maybe the shop thought I was old enough? They..."

Mike pretend-coughed. "Fake*cough*ID."

That seemed to hit the mark as Ulysses semi-stumbled. I resumed walking. "The old standards never die, do they?"

Eventually we all arrived at Neville's office after an exceedingly quiet walk, thankfully without Titus in attendance, and one Floo call later the face of Gideon Crumb danced in the green flames.

"Hank? Hank-boy, how are ye?"

"Grumpy as fuck, Gid. Say hello to your son."

"Whut?" He glanced around the room and finally Ulysses took pity and knelt down by the fire. "Bloody hell, that's where ya got to, Hogwarts? What the hell, Lys? Thought you'd gone back ter ya mum."

As Ulysses didn't seem to be able to answer his father I replaced him by the Floo. "No, he wasn't at Ilvermony, instead he snuck into Hogwarts somehow with a bunch of booze and cigarettes and the sixth and seventh years had a giant bust up party. Found them all passed out half naked this morning."

I'm not sure exactly what I expected. Perhaps some sort of fatherly dressing-down like I'd given the students, but instead Gid began laughing. "Ah, fuck, boy, that's a good un. Can't wait ta hear from your mum. Get any tattoos? Lose any teeth? Fight anyone? Shag..."

I couldn't contain myself. "Gideon, come on. If it's just us that's one thing, but this is Hogwarts."

"Right, right." He shook his head, as if pulling himself together. "I suppose we ought ta have a chat. Can he Floo over?"

I looked to Neville, who nodded. "I guess so."

"Ok, then. Come on, boy." Gideon looked to me. "Guess I should stop by and have a chat with you too, eh, Professer?"

I shrugged. "Suppose, just, uh, give it some time, k, Gid?"

"Done. 'K, cutting this and openin' up th' Floo. Later."

Once the fire ceased Neville handed Ulysses some Floo powder. As he stood in the fireplace, before saying his destination, he waved at us and then stopped. "Will you say goodbye to Ellie, please?" Before I could answer he threw down the powder and disappeared into the green fire.

"Little shit, like I'm gonna do that." I turned to Neville, expecting to see stern Neville with the 'face of doom' that all Gryffindors dreaded, but instead he had the strangest smirk on his face. "What?"

"Hank." He put a hand on my shoulder. "Do you know why I sent you?"

"Because my class started this fiasco?"

"No." He shook his head. "Because you've never been in the common room when your house has won the Quidditch cup." Seeing my face he hurriedly continued. "As a student."

-ooo-

You would have thought that I'd showed up at Titus' office because I wanted to talk to him about changing something incredibly boring and routine, like changing the rounds schedule, because instead of being all headmastery and shit he was sitting at his desk with some weird-ass goggle things on his head, bent over a small stand. Realising that Neville and I were there he put down a small set of pliers and pushed the goggles to the top of his head. Which would have been hilarious on any other occasion because the straps on the goggle things made his tufty bits of hair stick out even worse. "Ah, there you are. Come in, have a seat."

Neville sat down like it was also no big deal, but I was still confused. Confused about how blasé Titus was being and also confused about what Neville had said in his office about the Quidditch cup parties. After I'd sat down, and cleaned my glasses on my shirt, I sat waiting, waiting to be raked over the coals for my class starting this whole giant mess, waiting to get reamed out and have to have an all caps SERIOUS discussion with my boss.

Instead Titus put his normal spectacles on and peered at Neville over the rim. "Taken care of?"

Neville nodded. "Yes. I did a walkthrough and then sent Hank in to yell at them."

"Wonderful." Titus sat back and clasped his hands over his somewhat impressive belly. "Was it a good yelling, Hank? Lots of curse words?"

What the ever-loving fuck? "Uh, yeah. I'm, um, pretty sure I swore a lot."

"Excellent." Titus nodded. "I've informed Blundel about the party. I spoke to Cho as well but I'm sure her husband will fill in anything I've missed."

I slowly turned my head to look at Neville, who was fucking grinning but trying to hide it, and Titus was no better. "Ok, I give up, someone tell me what the hell is going on here."

"Hank..." Titus gave me a sympathetic look. "Students have been throwing parties at Hogwarts for as long as it has been open. The only thing that was unusual was the addition of young Mr. Crumb. That hasn't happened in years."

A voice from behind Titus agreed. "Nineteen seventy-seven, if the memory serves." Albus Dumbledore's eyes seemed to twinkle behind his half-moon spectacles. "Sirius Black managed to bring seven young ladies into the castle. Members of a dancing troupe." Leaning forward he steepled his hands together. "He emphatically stated they were ballet dancers, but I believe they were a different sort of dancers. Never did get a single straight answer out of the boy, even during his detentions."

I slumped in my chair. "No shit?"

With great pleasure Dumbledore nodded in his portrait. "As you say, Professor Boyd, no shit."

That did it. "I'm an idiot. So this is like a rite of passage or something? Why didn't I know about this?"

Titus turned from looking at Dumbledore's portrait. "Because, Hank, it seems this year's batch is much less skilled at hiding things." He reached on top of his desk and brought out two envelopes, handing one to both Neville and myself. "Perhaps you should ask Miss Phillips, though I would wait until after the ceremony."

I heard him say that, but like most people when I'm handed something my attention goes mostly to what I've been handed and less to the person speaking. It was a very heavy, nice envelope in a shade of cream that looked expensive. After opening it up and scanning through it I began to laugh. "So Poesy Phillips is getting married to Basil Jones."

Neville gave me a confused look. "Is he the one she brought to the NEWT dinner?"

"Yeah, that's him." I laughed, remembering it. My inaugural dinner for my Muggle Studies NEWT students after they'd finished Hogwarts, and Poesy had asked Basil, a complete stranger, if he wanted a free meal. It made me laugh, thinking about it, but then Titus' words hit me. "Wait a sec, are you saying that Poesy threw parties like that one?"

Neville looked deep in thought. "No, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a teepee."

"Screw you, Longbottom."

Giving me the index finger pointing symbol universally known as 'back at 'cha, asshole' Neville stood up and made his way of of Titus' office, wondering out loud if he'd have any students waiting at his door. Once he'd left Titus looked over to me. "Well, before you leave, Hank, I do have something else besides a wedding invitation." He reached over and pulled out another envelope, but unlike before I had a hint of what it was, owing to the Auror department protective seal. "This came while you were admonishing the party participants. I believe you'll want to read that in private, so if you don't mind I'd like to get back to this."

I took the envelope, stood up and stared at the things on the desk. It looked somewhat familiar, but I wasn't sure. "Fly fishing?"

"Yes, but you'll find that magical fish are much more resistant to the appeal of the fly. Takes a bit of magic, but too much in the fly and it scares them off. Do you fish?"

I nodded. "Usually with a worm on a hook in a pond."

"I'll take you sometime. Wonderful hobby for the later years." He put the goggles back on but looked over to me, which was weird. "I think you put the fear into them. Let me know if they don't respond accordingly and I can have a chat or two. Oh, what music are you listening to next seventh year class?"

"Uh..." It was odd, as I wondered what I looked like in those weird goggly things. "Sixties. We had to skip that because Murray was doing Head Boy stuff."

"Ah, a bit after my time. When you come to Dean Martin let me know, I'd be thrilled to talk about seeing him in Vegas with the students."

"No problem." I agreed quickly, wondering if I could get them to take a detour towards the Rat Pack. "Sure. Will do."

"Splendid."

And with that I was dismissed. I had just made my way out of Titus' office, almost opening the Auror envelope before I stopped. Titus was in Vegas during the Rat Pack? I laughed. That wasn't the best thing about the meeting. I'd made Albus Dumbledore's portrait say 'no shit.' That had to be worth a few free drinks. Plus I had Neville as a witness.

-ooo-

After my morning it was a great comfort to come back to my room. I kicked off my shoes, put some James Brown on my WUMP and sat down in my big green chair to read the letter. Virgil made his presence known at that point, wrapping himself in and out through my legs before finally giving up and just jumping into my lap. I petted my big gray cat for a bit to settle him, ignored his kneading claws in my leg and opened the envelope.

Hank,

A bit of good news, finally. We think we have a lead on the missing Gazer, so it will hopefully be over soon and we can make the faeries happy. Reena can stay at Hogwarts a bit longer if that's ok, we don't expect anything but it doesn't hurt to be on the safe side.

Ron and I have been to see Malfoy. He's fine, we have his reports, that's all I can say right now. Next time you're in the Auror office I'll debrief you. For right now just stay at Hogwarts and teach.

Harry

Well, it was like all the official Harry stuff I'd ever received; short, sweet and to the point but not brusque. I looked over to the clock, almost 1 in the afternoon. What a day, and it was only half over. Ish. I reached into my pocket to pull out the notebook of names and it was gone. Shit. Must have left it in Titus' office. I didn't want to do it, but needs must and all that crap. I looked over to my right, where he usually appeared. "Burt, need a hand."

With a pop the house elf stood next to me, saluting as always. "Yes Professor, what can Burt do for you?"

"I had a notebook from the Room of Requirement but it's gone. I must have left it in Titus' office. Can you retrieve that for me, it's been a morning."

Burt shook his head sadly, ears flopping slightly. "Things created in Come and Go room stay in there. Notebook is gone. How about pizza?"

"Fuck. It's gone? Fine. Yeah, pizza. Sounds good. Thanks." With another salute Burt popped away. As James Brown sang about wanting to jump back and kiss himself owing to the fact that he was, in fact, super bad, I went over to my desk, took out a piece of parchment and with an ink pen wrote 'DO NOT DISTURB' in big letters. It took me forever to find some tape, but I finally did, and it was just as Burt was back with the pizza that I stuck the sign on my door. After the morning and early afternoon that I'd had everything at Hogwarts could kiss my ass, because I was eating pizza with James Brown. And that was as super bad as I was able to deal with. I had just picked up the first slice when I watched Harry's letter do the Auror self-destruct bit where it began crumpling up in air until finally the crumpled bit couldn't get any smaller and it just winked out of existence. Fine by me.

A/N: Standard non-dead disclaimer. Wrote myself into a corner, well corner-ish, and then other stories pushed themselves to the fore. Insert standard WIP eventually finished statement.

I wasn't exactly sure where to go with the students until I read a really nice James SP/OC story by the author Adorably Cute. (I have no idea about the adorableness or cuteness of the author, but that's the name.) The story is called Home and it's a fun 30 chapter read about the type of shenanigans that probably happen at Hogwarts that I don't write about because my stories aren't usually set with Hogwarts students as a focus and, let's be honest, I was boring in high school. College is something else, but blah blah blah. It's definitely worth a read as there's some Quidditch statistics and wizarding version of rock/paper/scissors that I absolutely plan to steal at some point.

As always, thanks for reading and review if you wish.