Chapter 6 – "If I Ever Lose You"
One Year later.
Gabby, Matt, Lexi and Kelly walked in to Molly's together. "Next time the girls pick the movie" Gabby announced walking to the bar.
"I second that motion" Lexi agreed standing beside her at the bar. Matt gave their drinks order to Herman.
"It wasn't that bad" Matt told them laughing as Lexi surveyed the bar looking for Shay.
"Please the acting was awful, it was just an excuse to put half naked women on screen" Gabby concluded taking her drink from Herman and handing Lexi hers.
Kelly shrugged laughing "I liked it." Lexi rolled her eyes at her fiancé before walking to the table Shay occupied with Ruzek, Halstead, Burgess and Cruz.
Everyone exchanged greetings. "How was the movie?" Ruzek asked.
Gabby began to rant about how awful the movie was, half naked women who couldn't act to give overcompensating men something to ogle at. Lexi agreed with all her points and a sexist debate erupted.
"So you never went to see Magic Mike?" Cruz asked looking from Gabby and Lexi.
"That's different" Gabby began protesting.
Lexi eyed Jay across the table as he took his phone from his pocket and frowned at the screen. He excused himself from the debate and answered the call as he walked towards the toilets, seeking a quiet place to take the call. Lexi watched him, his lips were moving but his eyes were a million miles away, she could tell he wasn't seeing the people in the bar, he wasn't seeing anything in front of him. He was off in some distant land, a memory of a time before now.
Lexi excused herself from the table and walked to Jay. She stood in front of him as he finished his phone call and put his phone in his pocket. She touched his arm and he jumped at the contact, it bought him back to reality.
Jay eyes focused on her and he didn't need to speak she pulled him in to her embracing him. "Michael Nash is dead" He spoke in to her shoulder "he took his own life." Lexi recognised the name, he was Jay's ranger friend. They had served together.
A few days later Lexi leant on the bonnet of Jay's car outside of his apartment building. Her packed overnight bag sat at her feet. She had been there twenty minutes when Jay emerged from his building carrying his own overnight bag looking like he hadn't slept.
Jay walked to his car with his head down looking at his phone. He put his phone in his pocket and looked up, stopping two foot from the car when he saw her, he looked at her bag on the floor. "Did you really think I was letting you do this alone?" Lexi asked smiling at him.
Jay shook his head smiling "Voight?" he asked questioning how she had got the time off work. He picked her bag up and walked to the trunk.
"I had a couple days owed" Lexi told him shrugging it off.
Jay closed the trunk and looked over the car at her "Kelly?"
Lexi walked to the passenger door and looked over the car at Jay as he walked to the driver's door. "He'll get over it." Lexi told him getting in to the car.
Jay and Lexi sat at the bar where Michael Nash's wake was taking place. Michael's funeral had been a good send off, the wake had been a celebration of his life rather than a mourning. His ranger buddies had all told stories and his brother had given a lovely speech.
Lexi watched Michael's widow, Sarah, as people approached her and kissed her, hugged her or shook her hand as they left for the night. Sarah couldn't take anymore and Lexi watched as she sat in a chair and completely broke down.
"Jay, you see that woman there" Lexi told him pointing discreetly at Sarah. Jay followed her line of sight and nodded. Lexi turned in her seat so she was facing him her knee pressed in to the side of his leg. "That's me if I ever lose you. You know that right?" she asked tears filling her eyes. "I know the things you did, the things you saw as a ranger still haunt you but I need you to know that I'm here for you, day or night. Because if something happened to you, or you did what Michael did, I'd be that woman over there. It doesn't matter if there's a ring on my finger, it doesn't matter how many fights I have to have with Kelly or anyone else for that matter, it doesn't matter what's going on in my life, there is always and will always be a space for you, no matter what. I need to know that you know that"
Jay nodded and half smiled at her "I do". Lexi kissed his cheek lightly and wiped her fallen tears. "Come on let's get out of here"
Lexi had booked a motel on the way to the funeral but the nearest one to where they needed to be only had one double room left. They were already running late and needed somewhere to change in to clothes they were wearing to the funeral so had no choice but to book it. They had flipped a coin for who would sleep on the couch.
Lexi began clearing the clothes and bags from the couch ready to turn it in to her bed whilst Jay took a shower. She placed her toothbrush on top of her folded pyjamas on the end of the couch ready to take in to the bathroom when Jay was finished.
Lexi's phone chimed alerting her to a message. She sat on the edge of the bed and read the message, some marketing junk message.
She began typing a message to Kelly, apologising for springing her decision to go with Jay on him, apologising for the fight they had had, but then changed her mind and deleted the whole message. Why should she apologise for being there for her friend? If Lexi had been doing the same for Gabby, Kelly wouldn't have had the same reaction.
Lexi put her phone back on the night stand as she heard the bathroom door unlock and open. Jay walked out, wearing a pair of black sweat pants, his hair still wet. She could see he had been crying, his eyes were bloodshot.
Jay avoided looking at her as he climbed on to the bed, he sat with his back on the wall and switched on the TV. He surfed the few channels that were available and then settled on an old black and white movie.
Lexi swung her legs up on to the bed and shuffled herself back so she was sat beside him. As soon as she stopped moving Jay shuffled down the bed and lay his head in her lap, she gently stroked her nails up and down behind his ear. "Thank you for being here" Jay told her after a moment of silence.
"Anytime" Lexi told him softly "you'd do the same for me"
"Yeah but I don't have a fiancé to take shit from for it" Lexi didn't respond, he felt her sigh and put her head back resting it on the wall behind her. "I don't want to come between you and Kelly"
"No one's coming between me and Kelly expect Kelly." Lexi assured him.
Jay sat up copying her pose beside her. He leant his head on the wall and turned his head to look at her. "I'm serious. I don't want to be the reason he's giving you shit"
Lexi turned her head and looked at him. "Like I said earlier I can take whatever it is I need to take as long as it means I'm there for you when you need me, that you're ok"
Jay put his hand on her cheek and pulled her face to his, he kissed her forehead and then rested his head against hers. He didn't know how he would have coped today if she hadn't had been with him. Every time it all got a bit much she was there, even without him asking her too, she was holding his hand, or putting her hand on his shoulder, touching him in some way to let him know she was right there.
Jay sighed and closed his eyes. He moved his head slightly and brushed his lips against hers. "Jay" she whispered his name as she put her hand over his on her cheek. He felt the cold metal of her engagement ring against his skin and pulled back from her opening his eyes.
"I'm sorry" Jay said quickly getting off the bed "Fuck, Lexi I'm so sorry"
Lexi put her hand to her lips "it's ok, don't worry about it" she said getting off the bed, collecting her toothbrush and pyjamas as she walked to the bathroom and closed the door.
Lexi stood over the sink brushing her teeth. How the hell could she let that happen? She knew the second Jay put his hand on her face that it would lead to that. It wasn't exactly a kiss, their lips had brushed together, it wasn't a kiss but Lexi had wanted it to be a kiss. Lexi had wanted to kiss him. Not only because she knew it was what he wanted, that it would make him feel better but for her too.
Lexi spat the toothpaste from her mouth and watched the water rinse it down the drain. She chalked the almost kiss up to the emotional day and decided it meant nothing.
Lexi left the bathroom to find the TV switched off, a small lamp by the bed lit and Jay lying in the bed, his back to the bathroom door, clearly pretending to sleep. She didn't want him to feel guilty, he didn't need to, especially not today. "Jay" Lexi said putting her toothbrush back in to her bag. "Jay" she repeated when he didn't respond.
Lexi climbed in to the bed and lay on her side facing Jay. He opened his eyes when he felt her move the bed sheets. He rolled on to his back and stared at the ceiling. Lexi lifted his arm and placed it under her, she moved over and lay her head on his chest. "Get the light" she told him.
Jay reached over switching off the lamp before kissing her hair in the darkened room.
Two years later.
Lexi sat at her desk in the Intelligence Department of the Chicago PD. Writing up a report for the latest drug bust her and her partner had just pulled off. It was a good little win for the district, anytime a supplier and his drugs were taken off the street it was a win. Today was a good day, yet she had this little niggling feeling, almost like a voice in the back of her head telling her that something wasn't quite right. A paperclip shot past her eye breaking her concentration, "you throw like a girl Halstead"
Jay laughed and dodged the return fire of the paperclip, "what was the dealer's cousins name again?"
Lexi shook her head "Yet you call yourself a Detective! It was Shane."
Hank Voight exited his office as Trudy Platt ascended the stairs, Lexi noted both their sombre expressions, Platt made eye contact with her and that niggling voice in her head began screaming like an alarm bell. Voight approached her desk and softly asked "Lexi, can I talk with you in my office?"
"No" Lexi stood up from her chair "don't treat me like a victim, just tell me which one?" she knew it was bad. Their facial expressions couldn't mean anything else, either her twin sister or her Fiancé had been hurt or fatally wounded, she just knew it.
"Lexi" Platt began walking towards her, arms out stretched to comfort her "please sit down, you know how this goes"
Jay appeared beside her, she hadn't even noticed him stand up. Jay took her arm and helped lower Lexi in to her chair. "It's Leslie isn't it; I can feel it!" Lexi looked from Platt to Voight waiting for an answer. Hearing someone ascend the stairs at a brisk pace Lexi got her answer as she watched Kelly race towards her.