A/N – Here you go!
A guest asked about big Snow's name vs the little girl. Snow is just Snow in this. There will be no reference of the cursed name Mary-Margaret.
Title
Perspective
Summary
"If you change the way you look at things the things you look at change."
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Regina nursed a glass of cider. Early evening and the end of the first day trapped here approaching she'd decided to indulge as she poured her energy into deciphering Cora's coded writing about timelines and time travel. Taking a sip and setting the glass aside she took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Tired and thoughts of Mother and this whole mess of a day burned behind her eyes.
Deep breath and she turned the page, willing just one more before she would need something to eat. Breakfast had been many hours ago and she was hungry. Snow probably was too. Sighing at that thought and the fact that the child had not said anything nor had made an appearance for hours. She'd need to make sure to get them on a schedule if...
A knock unexpected had Regina closing the book. Snow stood stiff in the frame, little eyes once again red from crying she suspected. Closing the old volume she stood and rounded the desk, leaning against it with her hip, she simply took in the child staring back.
Same wild curls in beg of a good brushing, button nose reddened in the same manner whenever Snow had rubbed the bridge of it raw while sucking a thumb looked back. A habit Regina had spent a near year working to help the girl break long ago. That meant this Snow was seven. Knowing for sure when a fist rubbed an eye in a manner that made her want to pick the girl up and carry her to bed to be tucked in.
Day one had indeed worn them both out.
Snow toed the carpet. "Did you find anything?"
Hesitant as the brief spell of past gave way to present Queen answered. Not missing the dejected drop in those shoulders reminding her she was not the only one who wanted out of this spelled cage. "Not yet. I need to look at it again in the morning." Her knuckles rapped on the desk as Snow yawned and she caught the time. She had been working for five hours. "Right. It's getting late. Are you hungry?"
Nodding Snow stepped aside as Regina passed and followed to the kitchen. Simple soup and sandwiches were quickly produced and as they had earlier that day they ate in silence. Though it was not as incompatible as it had been that morning. Something seemed to sit heavy on Snow's shoulders and Regina wondered over all the girl had been doing while she rifled through the spell book and asked as if it was casual to do so.
"What did you do upstairs all this time?"
Snow shrugged and kept eating, stirring circles in her soup and dropping the spoon when Regina wouldn't stop looking at her in wait of a verbal response. "I looked through my room. There's a lot of stuff I recognize from the castle."
Regina swallowed to near choking at the use of 'my' and set down her sandwich. Reaching for her water and sipping she asked. "What kinds of things?" Wondering just how much Snow remembered. In her brief visit to the too pink room she had recognized her embroidery work on the blanket, and of course the snow globe.
Suddenly Snow's tomato basil soup was very interesting. She kicked her heels back against the stool rung, hooking them as the silence grew. Numb. Snow wished she felt numb. Anything but the longing taking over her for some kind of affection, a nice word, or—
"Snow, answer me." Regina hated to be ignored and wouldn't allow the child Snow was in the moment to do so. She expected the courtesy of an answer.
Snow scrunched her brow. Even that. Expectation she had come to know by heart and in it the child inside her began emerging and spoke for her again. "Mr. Thumper. He smells the same."
Regina forced down another bite of her meal and stood. Remembering all too well that rabbit. A gift for Snow given the day she moved into the castle right after the wedding. Child dragged it everywhere and well loved as it had been she had reattached torn ears in play more than once when teary green eyes used to beg her to make it all better.
"You asked." Shifting back, adult Snow explained, not missing the way Regina always pulled away from her when her child side came and went. She took a huge bite to avoid having to answer the next question in those amber eyes, but it went unasked. Done she decided to ask one of her own. "Why did you offer me your hand upstairs in my room, before we left for the vault?" That had eaten at her more than half the day.
Regina trashed the rest of Snow's uneaten sandwich with her own and began rinsing the plates. Guilt apparently was effective at killing appetites and she pondered over her own as she thought about Snow's question. "I spent the hour you were having a tantrum going through my things looking for answers." As if that was a clear answer in itself. And testing out another theory she had, but she was not ready to share that idea yet with Snow until she was certain it was true, but maybe there were other things she should begin sharing. Protective even now she was over the little one under those big questioning green eyes.
Sighing at the description of her upset, Snow tried again. "Did you find any answers?"
Pausing Regina wiped her hands and folded the towel to put on the counter. "I found some, but also a lot of questions." Unsure of why she continued as she did. "Come with me."
Leaving the room, Snow was quick on her heels. Upstairs and to her bedroom Regina went to the closet as the girl stood waiting by the door. Fetching what she sought she went to the lounger to sit. Surprising herself Regina patted the spot near a knee and Snow hesitant, but seemingly curious came over to sit. She tapped the fat file between them and opened it. Little hands went to take the papers from her and important as they were Queen caught Snow's wrist gently and then dropped it as if burned when the adult glared back at her gesture. Regina shook her head.
"Eyes only." Serious. Last thing Regina needed if they were stuck here was for Snow to have a fit and shred them. As much as she hated all three of papers, legally they were important ones to have. Getting a small nod Regina held up the first one. "A marriage certificate." She refused to say the dead King's name next to hers and quickly moved on to the next one. Softer as Snow tensed. "His death certificate." Last of the big three, she held up a thick stamped stack. "Your adoption—"
"I'm NOT adopted!" Little Snow grabbed for the stack and they were plucked back with the file to the other side of the lounger.
"If you will let me finish…" Warning against further outburst Regina shifted between angry green eyes. "Not adopted like that." Holding the paper up a safe distance, she tapped the signatures and waited.
Snow regained her adult mind and squinted reading the fine print and Regina's name. Heart hammering. "No. Regina that's not right." Not in this realm and even more so right now. Here.
"I said that too." Regina agreed. Actually she had screamed it into a pillow when Snow had been doing the same across the hallway. She put the paper back and closed the file. "In this world it seems I legally adopted you before he… died." This curse had some kindness at least. Here her name was still Mills. Frowning again as she realized there was always a cruel whisper behind any kindness she was ever shown. Snow's name here, in Leopold's death was also Mills.
"But that makes you my…" Failing as her tongue ballooned twice its size. Snow stared at the file. A mix of two very different feelings from past and present coming to a trigger point behind her eyes. They begged to leak, but she wouldn't let them.
Thick and loaded Regina finished the hard truth for both of them. "Legally speaking it means I'm your Mother."
The clock on the wall chimed as if in agreement and Snow's chin darted sudden to look at it. Big hand nowhere near the hour mark she wondered over the sound and then Regina tapping the papers gained her attention back. A chill came and went right through her, but the room was not near cold. And she shuddered.
Snow shifted in her seat, ankles crossing and hands clasped. Pose she often used to take when she was sitting in her lesson's room listening to her tutors and wanted to hide her wandering thoughts. She had no words. None she could get away with saying this moment. Breathing hard gave away her panic and she jumped when Regina's hand found her knee. It rested brief and pulled away just as fast when she spoke.
"You're not no matter what the papers say. My Mother is dead." In Snow's little mind that was true for more than one of them. She had buried two deep in a past she longed to forget, but one pushed and pushed against her ribs to be acknowledged.
Hurt and unsure of why as she was of every emotion she had felt today Regina bit back. "It is not something I am happy about either, dear." Then hated herself for doing so when it was apparent it had been little Snow speaking. It was hard to keep up with the rapid shifts between what was now apparent to her to be one body with two very different Snow's inside.
Adult green eyes snapped. "Don't call me that and you never answered my question from before. Why did you offer me your hand Regina?"
Done with the inquisition, Queen shook her head and gestured to the door. "I think it's time you went to bed. I'm tired."
"It's still light out and I'm not really seven. You can't tell me what to do." Pushing Snow stood up.
Regina pursed her lips. "Child or not you are certainly acting like one right now."
"Don't avoid me." Snow stomped her foot hating how small she felt and indeed, was. "You have avoided me all day. Now tell me why you offered your hand."
Quiet Regina remained and began neatly stacking the papers within the file. Then giving sharp eyes as another foot stomp drew her attention upwards. "You want to know so badly about something that would apparently mean nothing to you."
Pink lips formed a hard line and big Snow pushed back again against the Queen's walls. "Troll shit." Dark orbs flashing in warning did nothing to still her mouth. "I know you Regina and that meant something."
"And I didn't say it didn't to me. You think you know me, but Snow you really know nothing of what my life has been like." Holding up a finger when the adult Princess tried to interrupt, she pressed it firmly against a pink mouth. "You grew up sheltered and protected, adored from the moment of conception and you never once, until you were an adult, knew what a hard day's work felt like. Even then you had help, you had friends. I had nothing and no one since—not even my Father." Searching green back and forth. "I had no one. You don't know what it feels like to be forced to marry someone you don't like, to be paraded about like a trophy and humiliated. To be rap—"
Snow ripped her head back unable to take anymore. Defensive. "Even if that were true, that's not my fault!"
Lost in past memories Regina shook her head. "I know the truth is hard for you to hear and no, my circumstances certainly were not your fault. I'm not suggesting they were, but with you Snow, by continuing to choose to wear ignorance in light of the truth that is part of the problem between us."
Hurting Snow threw back. "I'm not the problem Regina. It's your inability to love and let go of revenge—"
Piercing. "It is not about revenge—You think this is easy for me Princess? Waking up in the past, in a twisted version of a dark curse do over, without my son only to find you in his place?" Breathing hard Regina's temples pounded, fighting to push down her anger. Too much she had said too much already to ears that were not ready to listen. Little ears she knew were not ready, but the big ones listening right now and eyes—those rose colored glasses Snow insisted on wearing had to come off at some point.
Snow barked. "What do you think it's been like for me? Waking up to be dependent on a woman who had tried to kill me—"
Countering immediately. "It was a sleeping curse, not a death curse. I made sure of—"
"Don't." Throwing arms down and stomping again. "Don't lie to me anymore Regina!"
Bristling with heat. "Don't lie? You have never once considered I am telling the truth because you refuse to see anything past the end of your own nose."
"I don't need to in order to see you for what you are."
Jaw clenched and Regina's eyes burned with tears. Quiet. "And what pray tell Snow is that?"
"A murderer."
Scoffing to hide to hurt rising. She didn't say anything of the kind, but Regina thought her look must have said something dark.
"No, we are not the same." Snow shook her head, countering what she thought that look meant. "I only talked to you about her heart. You put her heart back in Cora's body." Ill Snow felt but excuses flew in her pain. "And what do you care? You don't feel anything anymore. You hated Cora. You killed my father and I loved him!" Snow steamed red as Regina's spine went rim rod straight, near breaking she thought.
Stalemate.
Regina's hand shook to fly, but she balled it tight. Stood immediately and crossed to the farthest side of the room needing distance physically, heated as she was. Knew exactly where that anger from Snow came from. Understood the pain in those green eyes, but this pain—her own this moment, was blinding. Never once had she slapped Snow as she had felt the dark urge to do in that moment and she wasn't about to start.
Her back to the Princess, Regina braced herself against the dresser. Breathing for a solid minute and her shoulders shook with the effort. Calmer after and anger becoming distant she slowly moved her eyes up to the mirror and to Snow's scrutinizing reflection in it. This sickness had to stop. "She was my Mother. Of course I loved her." In spite of everything Cora had done, Regina had loved her Mother, or the part of her she thought might just love her in return. Raw again. Regina dropped her shoulders; done holding onto something that was not hers to carry. "And in spite of what you think you know and understand, I did not kill your Father."
A pink gaping mouth asked. "What?" Too sure those words from Regina were.
"You heard me and I have said as much before." Turning around Regina crossed her arms, meeting big green lily pads staring.
The room went white. Hearing the truth, really hearing when somehow she couldn't before. Spinning. The room Snow was in was spinning. "But the box. The snakes. The court physician said… You never said…"
Exactly. Regina's fingers clutched her sides, fisting fabric tightly. "The physician said and you, in your ever self-righteous way as always, believed him." Or later as she had learned Cora in a magical mask.
"But…"
"It was one of my Mother's tricks. A compulsion." Fingers drummed the dresser top where Regina stood, other hand on hip, tears brimmed beneath her lids. "You wanted to believe the worst of me because you could and so you did. I told you the day after the funeral I had nothing to do with his death when you questioned me again and you ran away convinced I had done something before I could tell you what really happened."
Snow hugged herself confused and angry. "But you loved him and then you—"
"No Snow, you loved your father. He was your world and I had some hope at a point that we at least could be a family of sorts and I tried to protect you from…" Head shaking at more than the idea of Mother getting her hands on Snow. "Then you had to tell my Mother what I said to you in confidence at the stables after you swore not to."
"I didn't know how messed up Cora was when I told her or I never—"
Regina's hand came down on the dresser firm, done with being interrupted. "No you did not and there is a reason for that." And so many cutting ones slicing the air to shreds. Razors in her throat, she felt nausea welling.
Deep breath, Snow took a step back as the reason for that protection stared back at her. She had no idea way back then what Cora had been fully capable of, but her adult mind could only try to begin understanding just all Regina had protected her from. "I was a child Regina." Snow pleaded understanding for guilt that still gripped her heart from that dark stormy day when the price of a secret told had been collected.
"Yes, you were then, but right now you are not and I am done pretending your Father was as perfect as you thought him to be just to make it easy for you when he was a grown man and his choices were far from forgivable." Regina leaned back against the dresser and seeing her words had confused Snow, she clarified. "Don't misunderstand me, dear. He deserved accountability, but neither my willing hand nor my word opened that box."
Snow sat back, lounger slamming into her butt. As an adult she had learned to how to read Regina and she could almost always tell when Regina was lying. And she wished that lies came from that red mouth now, but none had since they landed here. That would at least make the guilt in her gut edge away from the boiling point. The truth hurt and that meant her perception from her childhood may not be all that she need consider. "I…" Failing again to speak as she had before the black curse clouds had stolen them away for this reality. Nothing came out.
Deciding Snow was ready for an answer to a completely different question Regina was now ready to give it, she spoke softly. "Earlier before we left for the vault I offered my hand because you needed me to. Not the little girl you are, but you." Regina observed the struggle on the fair face across the way. Then giving direction when she lacked any herself. "Go to bed Snow." Dismissing the woman child, Queen went into the bathroom and closed the door.
Cold, Regina needed cold in the heat consuming her skin. A cool shower and she let the water beat her back numb, soothing her spirit. Stepping out nearly twenty minutes later Regina took her time massaging lotion into her damp skin. Drying her hair came next and she braved the mirror, really looking at herself for the first time since morning. Red rimmed eyes stared back.
Haunted.
A soft thump behind her made a head whip around. Towel from the rack had fallen on the floor. Regina sighed and picked it up. Turning again back to the mirror and she jumped back at the flash of sharp blue in her eyes that shouldn't be there. Charging the mirror she peered closely blinking. Brown pools started back. She rubbed them, looking again. Tired she decided. Her eyes were swollen and worry filled. Turning away Regina dried off and pulled on a clean black silk tank top and pants. She was more than ready to lie between dark sheets and hide away from this life for a while.
Leaving her en suite, Regina got half way across the room before she realized she was not alone. There on the lounger curled into a tight small ball was Snow. Legal file was open on the floor spilling the papers across the carpet they both wished weren't real, seemingly gone through again in her absence. Approaching to pick them up Regina paused.
Snow was asleep, the pink nose of a stuffed rabbit child must have gotten and returned with peeked out from under an arm and it was then the Queen felt the ice on an old door in her heart begin to melt. Finishing with the papers and putting the file on her dresser, she went to the bed. Regina returned to the lounger and carefully draped the blanket she kept there over the slumbering Princess. Fingers acted of their own accord and she tucked one lone wild curl behind a little ear.
Snow stirred, small nose twitching and Regina pulled her hand back intending to get into bed, but not before taking one last look. Trails of tears on child's two fat pink cheeks begged to be wiped away. Regina lingered in want of pretending.
For just a moment.
Lips parted and closed. Just once when Regina thought she'd never say it again, but say it she couldn't. Though, her heart whispered a long missed affection instead.
'Good night my little Snow bunny.'
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A/n – And despite the tension we have a break through. Things will continue to thaw between them. I don't know about you, but I have always felt they needed to have this talk... like OUAT didn't even touch it with a ten foot pole...
Next Time:Regina discovers a clue to the curse. A memory of the Enchanted Forest gives insight on how Regina and Snow's early relationship formed. Snow gets some news she's unsure about.