Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Alas. Song lyrics used below belong to Ingrid Michaelson.
A/N: Such a hard chapter to write. And now I'm dying to know what you think, so if you leave a review that would make me insanely happy :) Feedback is bliss!
Do no harm. This is the first principle of medicine. Do no harm. When a patient trusts you with themselves, when they're vulnerable in your hands, always look that what you do doesn't cause more harm than benefit.
Jess Mariano was standing before the apartment building, shielding his eyes from the bright morning sun with his hand. Being back felt strange, the surroundings around him, now clearly visible, looked both familiar and new. He felt a strange mixture of excitement and apprehension looking at the place where he had spent the happiest three years of his life. The short conversation he'd had with Paris two weeks ago was playing over and over in his head.
Good, you're alive.
Good to meet you too, Paris... Paris... are you crying?
Are you still blind or just dumb? Just give me a minute okay? For a week I wasn't sure if you were dead or alive, so just give me a break and I'll be back to my bitchy self.
O-kay.
Okay, I'm good now. You gonna come back?
What?
To work. To New York. Are you gonna come back?
Ehm, yeah. Why wouldn't I?
I honestly don't know what to expect from you these days. Anyway, I came here to warn you.
Warn me?
You've used all of your fuck-ups okay? One more and she's not gonna get through it without professional help.
What do you mean?
I'm gonna go now, leave ambiguously and let you think. Remember, no more fuck-ups. Be good or be gone, she has been through enough as it is. And just for the record, I'm glad you're alive. I'm still mad at you for pulling all those obscene stunts but I'm glad you're alive. Bye, Jess.
Wait. Paris... Paris!
If he didn't have numerous iv lines into his arms, he would've followed her. Ambiguous Paris. Who would guess.
~ Everybody wants the one to make them live forever
And nobody wants to be the only one to say they can't ~
The sound of his voice brought a sinking feeling into her stomach and she stopped midstep. Rory froze and closed her eyes, letting the sound envelope her, shield her from reality for just a moment, an encapsuled moment where her every atom was missing him. You've been there, a small voice spoke at the back of her mind. So many times, you've been there. And look at what happened last time.
She couldn't bring herself to move. She knew he must be at the foot of the stairs, she could hear his voice talking to Cerberus. She had gone out of her apartment letting the dog run ahead, thinking Cerberus was simply excited for his morning walk. Who would guess the dog had gotten the notion that his master was back. Rory wanted to just turn and go. Maybe she would gather the strength to, had Jess not appeared at the foot of the stairs, a couple of steps down from her. If possible, she froze even more. She wanted to disintegrate, move in time and space, be anywhere but here facing the man who had the power to build her up and ruin her with alarming ease.
His hair was short. It had been shaven off for the surgery three weeks ago. He had the head bandage off. Yet she couldn't help but imagine him after the surgery, lying unconscious, the mechanical respiratory support beside his head, iv lines disappearing into his arms, keeping him alive. Sometimes she had those nightmares where he was dying because his respiratory support was off. And she tried and tried to move in her sleep but her limbs were paralized, and she cried for help, helpless as the monitors beeped and the man she loved died. In one of her dreams, Jess suddenly opened his eyes, and there was a wicked gleam in them, as if he were mocking her because of her inadequacy.
She stood straighter, trying to supress a rising feeling of nauseating unease, the same feeling of helplessness that had taken over her that morning when she found he was gone, three weeks ago.
Their eyes met. Seeing each other for the first time in half a year. And his look didn't bear mockery. It bore adoration. Hope. Hers bore fear. Distrust.
'Rory...' he pronounced as if the very mention of her name was some precious discovery. She felt sick.
'I...' he took a steadying breath and paused, seemingly enthralled by the sight of her. Like a kid looking at Santa, he looked... mesmerized. 'I tried to call you but your mobile was off,' he finished on an exhale.
'Did you ever think about me while you were doing this?' she managed to voice.
Jess looked a little confused.
'I...'
Rory rose a forefinger to stop him.
'Don't you dare pull that bullshit about doing this for us. You did it because you couldn't get over yourself.'
Okay, so they were doing this. They were jumping directly into the deep stuff. Jess licked a lip and made a step forward, going up a couple of steps towards her. Rory stepped back up, keeping the distance.
'Rory, I never meant to...'
'Why did you come back, Jess?' she cut him short.
'I came back to make this right.'
Hit me with your worst accusations, I deserve them. I didn't come back to feel regret though. I'm over that, I overdid it last couple of months. I'm not here to apologise, I'm here to do anything it takes to make this right.
She took a sharp breath and felt her eyes well up.
'You almost killed yourself before my eyes,' she wailed, her voice rising and breaking.
He looked at her with wide eyes, struck by the intensity of her emotion. Her eyes were blazing and sparkling with tears. She rubbed them fiercely with the back of her hand.
'Did you know I was the one who found you in your office, lying unconscious beside the intubation set?' she hissed, willing her voice to even. 'I stood paralyzed as the reanimation team passed me by, thinking if this was how I was gonna lose you. I had to stand there and watch you die because I was so terrified, I couldn't make myself move and get the intubation tube into your lax larynx.'
She paused and took another steadying breath, shaking her head. Then looked down and let out a derisive laugh.
'When you said you wanted Liz to account for all the times she messed up, that's how you felt.'
Jess looked at her as if she'd slapped him with the words.
'Now I know the feeling,' she said in a sad whisper.
Thanks to you.
'You left me behind, Jess. You distracted yourself from me and never once thought how risking yourself hurt me. Do you know how I wished that you hadn't shielded me when Noah Stanford shot, that I was the one the bullet took?'
She paused, willing her hands to stop shaking. For what it was worth, Jess looked as hurt as she felt.
'I've given you everything,' she sighed resignedly. 'I have nothing left to give. And I mean this, Jess. Leave me alone.'
Rory turned to go back up the stairs and Cerberus started after her. The dog had made it halfway up the stairs to the next floor when he turned back to look at Jess. As if asking permission, the Labrador looked torn between following Rory and staying with him. Jess gave him a silent nod and the dog continued up the stairs after the love of his life, leaving him to wonder if he had managed to fuck up completely.
~ Now go on and drift away
The tide can hold you out
Go quiet now
Go sound go safe
Open hands are hard to hold onto anyway ~
Do no harm. When someone trusts you with themselves, do no harm. When someone's vulnerable in your hands, do no harm. When someone asks you to not hurt them, do no harm. In medicine - this is the one principle you better never dismiss. In medicine, it's a must. But in love it probably is too, even more so.
The Chief's office was quiet saved for the Chief's calm voice.
'I'll have to arrange for someone to fill in for me while I'm gone. Yeah, I know it's just for a couple of weeks, but I still have to assign my duties as Chief to one of my staff surgeons. As a matter of fact, I have someone in mind. Yeah, I'll get back to you as soon as I have an answer.'
The chief put his mobile down onto his desk and pushed a button on the intercom.
'Get me through to Mariano. I need to talk to him about something of great importance.'
TBC