A/N – Last chapter before the epilogue …
Title:
Full Circle
Summary:
"Once I was my Mother's daughter. Now I am my daughter's Mother."
– Lisa Gardner—
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Regina poured two white tablets into her palm, then thought about it and added a third from the bottle and threw them back to swallow without water. Her body ached from holding Snow as long as she had that afternoon since turning her heart inside out. When the girl had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep after their talk Regina had tucked her in and went to clean up the kitchen from their untouched lunch. As she cleaned, Regina's mind drifted to the talk she'd had with Snow and her Mother prior. It settled on the highlights of each as she trashed the uneaten food.
Mother.
'What the hell does that word even mean?' Regina thought as she scrubbed verbosely on a permanent crack in the marble counter. She paused after a moment in realization that she asked that very thought before. Mind flashed back to the past. A question she had almost forgotten, but that now seemed so much more important in the asking for the answer just out of reach…
It was the eve of Snow's seventh birthday and Regina had been making preparations for the last few weeks with Leopold's permission for a small party to be had mid day tomorrow. He hadn't understood the fuss, but she had insisted. She told the kitchen staff to prepare a cake and with presents wrapped she was near ready for the little celebration. A few more details left with the dress Snow would wear and the child's first coronet Leopold had ordered the royal jeweler to have made for the Princess for a different reason than the party.
Both were in her chamber waiting to be tried on for a final fitting beforehand. Snow was to meet her there after lessons today to do such along with a review for what was expected after the party. A ceremony was to follow immediately after to properly announce Snow as Leopold's heir now that the child was old enough. There would be a huge reception to follow, but it was more for show and ceremony than anything and Regina wanted Snow to have a personal celebration of a sort.
Regina had heard the commotion well before she came across them in the corridor outside of her chamber. Snow's plea for understanding clashing with Mother's harsh tenor made her steps quicken to a run. Then another voice began pleading in different kind of strangled cry. Regina rounded the corner and her heart caught in her throat.
Snow was clutching Mother's skirts from behind in a begging fashion as the child's maid, Johanna, knelt on the stone slab at the rim of the same dark skirts. Mother's hand was hovering over the woman's chest as the other was trying to detach Snow. Both maid and child were in near tears and the small coronet, a simple gold band with rose buds fashioned from white gold glittered against the stone floor between them. Her chamber door wide open and Regina thought she understood what might have happened.
"What is going on here?" Regina asked, approaching quicker as three chins snapped her way. Snow ran for her, but was caught by the wrist to stand in front of dark skirts.
"Mother!" Snow began. "Johanna did not—"
"Quiet." Cora snapped and stood straighter as Regina neared. "I found these two inside your chamber going through your things and this thief was wearing the royal coronet." Nodding to the maid. "I was about to show this woman what happens to a thief in this Castle, but your daughter was interfering."
"Please your Majesty I would never..." Johanna bowed as low as possible in deference at Regina's feet. "The little Princess was only curious."
Regina took a careful breath more than aware of the life and the white skin that would pay if she did not manage this well under Mother's eye. She gave her eyes to Snow. "Come here to me." Phrase she knew Snow well understood for what to do, especially in public. She was pleased the child moved immediately under her direction to curtsy and stand the deferred three paces in front of her. Back straight with eyes properly level along with little hands clasped exactly as she had taught followed.
"Is there a reason for you and the maid to be in a state of disgrace?"
"Only for me Mother." Snow answered.
Cora cut in. "I've already determined they both are at fault."
Regina dipped her chin in acknowledgment as was expected, but she kept on with daughter. "Explain yourself please."
Snow spoke about waiting outside of the Queen's chamber after Johanna had fetched her for lessons and how the maid had tried to stop her, but she was excited and curious to try on the new dress. More so to see the coronet that she simply couldn't wait. In her fun she had tried on the gold band and then had placed it on Johanna's head in jest. "That is when Grandmother passed in the corridor and…" Snow trailed as her chin fell to her chest.
"Eyes."
At that prompt Snow moved them right back up. Regina held that gaze and spoke to the maid. "Do you have anything to add Johanna?"
"No your Majesty."
"If Snow does not heed your prompts in the future come and find me immediately. You are not responsible for the Princess' choices and not coming to me with her misbehavior near cost you your good name." Regina paused for the bob of a bonnet covered head and let her words sink in. "And your life." She wouldn't have passed a death sentence for something so trivial especially since the maid was not at fault, but had she not intervened her Mother would have and Regina wanted the maid to understand that difference. To heed the protocols she set in place for her daughter's sake.
For all their sake.
"Yes, your Majesty." Johanna spoke clearly even through a trembling tenor.
"You are dismissed." Regina gave direction. "Return to the nursery and ready the room for the Princess to rest. I will bring her shortly." And waited for the maid to scamper off. She didn't miss the steam rising in the corridor, nor the way her Mother's eyes flashed at her order.
"Mother?" Snow asked and waited for direction.
"Pick up the coronet and bring it to me." Hand outstretched in wait as Snow did as asked. Regina examined the gold band and noted there were no scratches or damage. A small relief for Leopold had yet to examine it and she wanted no reason to add on to the talk she and Snow would have.
"I was only curious and playing." A small huff.
Snow's teeth found a bottom lip at the look of warning Regina gave. A warning to wait until they were alone to speak further. They had discussed going into her private space more than once without permission and with Mother's eyes on them Regina was left with little choice but follow through.
"Go into my library. Wait on the rug. I will be there shortly to finish speaking with you."
Regina was anything but upset with the childish display of excitement over the coronet and new dress for what it was, but Snow needed to understand that such actions affected others. And that Cora would call in payment every single time in her wake if she did not lay down boundaries now. Boundaries that included waiting to enter her personal space until she was present. Snow promptly curtsied and stepped back three steps before crossing the hall. Alone with her Mother finally Regina now wished she wasn't.
Blue pierced as Cora spoke. "You are too soft. She will never learn how to rule if you do not model how she needs to behave. If she were mine she would well know that by now."
And Regina responded firmly in her own belief. "Yet she is not yours Mother. This way I have with her works just fine for us and this will not happen again, so you needn't worry."
Cora took a step closer. "A little fear is healthy Regina."
"I do not want my daughter to fear me. Snow learns more from a discussion to logically think through her choices than she does from the latter." Regina kept her voice steady and sure, lifting her chin in her certainty.
"Time will tell Regina, but let me make one thing clear in the mean time for you." Another step.
And then Mother's hand was around her throat pushing her into the stone wall. Regina's hands wanted to claw for air instinctually, and rose to do so and that hand only squeezed tighter. Remember. Then Regina remembered and ceased any counter at all. The moment after she did, that hand eased pressure to choke, but to merely hold firm.
"See. You do remember that lesson and it only took once." Wicked spoke. "Fear works wonders my dear daughter." Then darker. "Do not ever contradict me in front of staff or that child again."
Regina nodded best she could, but that was not enough.
"Regina."
"Yes—Mother." Almost breaking in the middle as that controlling hand released, but she held her own and that gaze strong.
"Yes Mother indeed." Cora confirmed. "The sooner you learn how to embody what that means the less we will need to have these talks of ours."
Queen massaged her neck and coughed to get a full breath. As black boots clicked away down the corridor Regina began questioning just what that title meant based on her experience under that rule. A harsh hand and eye she'd been subject to since birth and title used for the woman who bore her. She and her Mother—Cora—were different. Oh so different. While she wanted to be nothing like the dark woman they still had that word in common. One Regina had been struggling to understand, to define for a softer side of it herself.
Maybe that was what it was about. Self definition. The young Queen wasn't entirely sure, but she was sure of one thing. Of one powerful thing still within her control; her love for Snow. Regina vowed then and there to do everything in her power to make sure she was worthy of that affection from her daughter.
Regina opened her eyes to the present moment and subconsciously rubbed her throat as the memory left. Mother as a word was more than an affection Regina realized, but a calling and responsibility wrapped within the never ending promise of unconditional love. Cora had said herself that she had been anything but that title to Regina growing up.
The price paid was a lifetime in missing and misunderstanding just who she was supposed to be. And who was she if not her Mother's daughter? That is the role Regina was born into and the one she had been raised and later forced to play. But Cora hadn't loved her for her efforts. In life, nothing and no one had been enough for the darkness Cora had become. In death, her Mother had said she 'would have been enough.'
'But just what did Mother mean by enough?' Regina thought to herself as she sighed.
She'd spent far too long trying to understand just what that word was supposed to mean. The maternal affection had such power in so many different ways and power was something she had never wanted. But that particular power she had been given when she married Leopold. Then chosen when she'd found Henry. Both of her children had called her a form of that word growing up and Regina reflected on both of them for a moment.
The difference in her children's childhoods was striking. She'd raised them both in completely different worlds, under different methods and yet both had turned into the kind of passionate and morally sound people she'd always imagined they'd be. Young as he was, Henry was on the way there anyway and Snow… Snow had the same demons she did to overcome. They were more alike in many ways than she and Henry, and all of them just as stubborn. Snow would have done well raising Emma, Regina decided with a small smile of pride. Charming too had a kindness about him that defied the hard masculine norm of their world. Both of them together would have made excellent parents.
Regina wondered then if knowing how to parent was something you were born instinctively knowing or conditional based on how one was raised. She suspected it was a combination of both experience and instinct. With Snow she had relied on instinct, with Henry more so on experience. But neither defined the maternal word truly.
While she was flesh of Mother's flesh, as that woman had put it, Cora was not her Mother. No Mothering had been done between them and with that realization Regina felt something permanent shift in her heart. A wound closing on a past spent looking for approval and love where she would never find it. And that wound's festering and very existence had nothing to do with her.
At all.
But with Cora entirely. Regina realized then she did not own her Mother's legacy nor was she to be defined by it any longer going forward. Perhaps this was what that sharp mouth had meant by forgiveness and freedom.
And Regina was more than ready to be free and let go of the chains of Cora for good.
As Queen thought these things she felt a chilly hand grace her cheek. A tender caress she had waited for her whole life. Then it passed right through her skin to fade. Knowing just who it was saying a final good bye and for what she had come to understand about the owner of that hand, she dipped her head in one last nod of acknowledgment as was custom. For one last lesson well learned for both of them about that word. In acceptance too, that there would be no more grief between them going forth. Regina was done with grief and darkness.
Little feet stood hovering in the corner of the kitchen doorway ever watchful of the quiet moment. Snow observed Regina standing frozen over a sink with eyes closed; clear to her in some kind of deep thought. Wanting to be respectful of the moment, she waited until she saw those shoulders drop the weight of something unseen. Then her adult mind pushed through and Snow cleared her throat to step into the room. A long missed affection slipped from her lips cradled carefully within a question she needed an answer to.
"Mother?"
Regina turned at the voice as warm salt rolled down her cheeks, searching green for just who had called her that. Big eyes took her in.
Snow felt heat at the corners of her eyes pushing again and then they shifted to little ones and she tried again with an affection that felt completely right to the child she now was. "Mommy?"
Regina readily crossed the room and knelt drawing Snow into her arms with a kiss. "Yes, my little one." Pulling back she rested their foreheads together. "Mommy is right here."
A small sniffle. "For always?"
Regina hugged tighter. "For always. Nothing and no one will ever separate us again. I promise."
And the room gave such a shudder with that finality of heart Regina rocked back sharply nearly losing her balance. Snow clung to her neck as thick black ropes of smoke began spiraling in from the corners of the room. And she pulled that little heart tight into her own and kept her hand on the back of Snow's head as the child let out a cry of fright.
"Mommy has you. Hang on to me Snow."
And Snow hung onto her Mother with everything she had. Trusted those arms not to let go as the light went away and her mind began shuffling, sorting, and placing things into right how they should be in her head. She felt lips against her temple murmuring comfort before she lost consciousness entirely in the promise of safety within that embrace.
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A/N – Yeah… I did that thing again where I leave you wanting more. Epilogue will wrap up your questions. Short but sweet. See you Tuesday. Please Review. Any guesses as to how this comes together? :-)