Chapter 3

The Fun has Arrived

Hey, is it my turn already? Pft, about time! This no-account writer oughta get her priorities in order. I mean what am I? Pluto the dog? Huh? Am I this broad's pet!?

Listen, hot shots, I don't care if that dabling damsel started this whole thing off. I'm the main attraction in this masterpiece, alright? I'm the highlight of the party and when I walk into a room, I expect good little mortals like you to shut up to hear what I have to say. That all crystal clear enough for ya? Good. Now let's get on with the story.

I can't tell ya how it felt to be back in the hot seat. Holy Hera! I mean the relief, babe! Watchout mortals, the almighty Lord of the Dead had returned! Hades was back, suckers! Large, and in charge!

It really didn't take me long to get all worked up about it, exclaiming at the top of my lungs and all. But I was also quick to recall the reason for my return.

Seemed a little odd at the time to think that I had a woman to thank for my freedom. I remember the first time I laid eyes on that broad. Let me tell ya, she had me curious right off the block. Most mortals crawl away for cover when they see me, as you can probably imagine. I mean I'm the bozo they've gotta answer to when their time's up. Anybody who winds up in the Underworld cowers before me. Hey, I don't mind. It actually makes me feel kinda big.

But this chick? Was she scared? Was she cowering? No. She just stared at me her eyes wide open and the corners of her lips going all curvy. It was like she was in a trance or something. She seen something she liked, huh?

What the heck, I let her have her moment. And this particular moment was perfect for a introduction. Just who was this curvy little hussy and what did she want with me?

"And who do I have to thank for my freedom," I charmed. "But a simple minded mortal."

I watched her back up at that moment. Her eyes looked away but her smile only got bigger. "Oh I'm far from simple minded." At least there was nothing wrong with her come back, even if she was smiling like an idiot.

Most mortals are nothing special so this was a pretty remarkable claim she was making, and I wasn't about to believe it without testing the water.

"Oh really?" I hummed a little laughter. "Maybe I oughta find that out for myself, hmm?"

She couldn't even look at me now, almost like she was fighting an internal battle to wipe that kooky smile off her face. I was enjoying myself already. I mean was this chick a sucker or what?

"Seeing as how you're gonna be down here for quite a while." I snuck in a hint of persuasion. "We're gonna have plenty of time to get to know each other." And yes, I meant that in an intimate way.

"That's what I'm hoping for." She managed to squeak out an answer. Looks like little miss modest had some confidence hidden behind that smile…

What she was hoping for? Wait a minute. Was she just being blunt honest or did she, like, completely miss the point. What? Did that hint of mine just fly straight over the top of her head? She'd even managed to make eye contact, even though I'd just made a move! It was like she didn't get it. Hey, missy, I'm trying to flirt with you here. Missy…Err, Meza…What was her name again?

"What did you say your name was?" Hey, I'm sharp. I'm not the type to miss the details, I'm as shrewd as they come. But that name was so unusual it slipped my mind.

The blushing broad breathed deep, like she was finding it easier to keep her cool. "Mezame." Ah, I remember now.

You know what? She'd pretty much calmed down by this point. Maybe she gotten used to the heat, or maybe it was because those deep breaths had eased her. Either way, she wasn't so quick to shy away anymore. Even though it should have been obvious by this stage that I was flirting with her.

I gotta admit, I kinda prefered those shy moments to what I was seeing now. Hey, could I help it if she didn't pick up on my moves? Was it my fault she was dumb as a dodo? I had to be a little more obvious here, or this chick was never gonna take a hint.

"And you came to my neck of the woods…" I leaned in closer, almost at a whispering distance. "'Cause you thought I was hot?"

She twitched. She fidgeted. No so oblivious to the obvious this time, huh?

"Because I was the only mortal willing to free you." She squeaked again. Can you believe it? She actually gave me an answer! Yeesh. After all the heat I put on her some how she still managed to hold down her confidence. "Although you do walk around with your head on fire."

Was she coming back at me now? Eh, I can't say her come back wasn't lame, but it had it's own charm. It screamed 'innocent'. It screamed 'I'm a sucker so take me for all I got'.

And it seemed that those dimwitted imps wanted in on the action too, as they hesitantly shuffled their way towards me and the broad. What? Had she piqued their curiosity now?

I was still smirking and snickering from that innocently lame pun. "I like her, boys." I pointed to the dame and gave the guys a little praise for bringing her here. "I like her already." Looks like that pair of pinheads got something right for once.

I had to give the boys some credit. They were the ones who brought her to me in the first place, even if the old hags did most of the work. Hey, rewind a sec. Didn't this chick say something about being the only mortal actually rooted for my return? Wasn't that why the old dears picked her in the first place? Hey, if she didn't want me so she could flirt with me, then what did she want with me?

I was getting curious all over again. Her deal was all about wanting to stick around the Underworld and I wanted to know what on earth possessed her to want that! I mean, of all things!

"But seriously, babe." I cut the seduction, I wanted a straight answer this time. "What made you come get me?"

"Errm… L-Lord, Hades?"

The jittering of that sneaky green schnook almost ruined the mood. And I was in no mood to tolerate interruptions.

"What?" I snapped. "Can't cha see I'm trying to get acquainted here?"

The nerve of this skinny imp. He'd better come up with something good or I was gonna singe him alive.

Turns out, he didn't have to come up with anything at all. He just cowered behind his buddy and let Pain do all the talking.

"Um, we're compelled to remind you, your gruesomeness, that the Underworld has been without a god for quite a few days, uh, weeks, and um…"

…As soon as those words escaped the mouth of that little fatso I face palmed on the spot. Panic took over, but just as before, the two of them only served to tick me off.

"And, um, there's quite a lot of mortals who've sorta been dying in all that time."

I didn't wanna hear it… I didn't care if those stuttering morons had a point, I didn't wanna be reminded, least of all at that moment, that I was still the boss of the Underworld and still forced to slave away harbouring every pathetic, measly soul who fell victim to the plague of DEATH!

"Ugh, jeez." My eyes were closed up tight. It took all my self control not to crack. I didn't wanna lose it in front of the broad… 'Easy, hot shot. Just keep your cool'… "I leave you people alone for five minutes and look what happens!"

I ranted. I couldn't help it. My snapped eyes open and I stormed off to scream at all the worthless worms that wriggled in my river.

"And you're telling me, that this curvy little dame, is the only mortal who wanted me back!?" I leaned over edge of the hollow window, giving them all a dirty look they wouldn't forget in a hurry. "To be honest, that doesn't surprise me. I hear you all the time, whining and complaining about your no-account Underworld god… I DON'T HEAR ANYBODY COMPLAINING WHEN THEY'RE DEAD!…"…

…Heh. For a second there I forgot I had company.

Yeesh, why do I always go from fun-loving to flashover at the worst possible time? Look, I have my problems. I have big problems. I have a lot of big problems. I'm the Lord of the Dead and I'm responsible for every stray bozo in this crummy Underworld. So I'm sure you'll forgive me if I get a little huffed up from time to time!

But right now wasn't the time nor the place to lose it, I had a lady-friend to entertain. And as if it wasn't bad enough that I burst into flames right in front of her eyes, I was about to drag myself away from her. Eh, I didn't wanna. But if I didn't break a leg this job was gonna bury me alive. I'd been away for five weeks so I already had a mountain to climb. (Sounds a ironic now that I think about it).

"Is…everything alright?" There she was again, just staring at me in awe.

I replied with a little less enthusiasm. "Yeah… Peachy." I couldn't have had a nice quiet job collecting art, could I? No. It had to be dead people.

Ugh, I hate mortals, except maybe this broad. This fumbling floozy had better be worth it. She'd better be different than all the low-lifes down here.

"Sorry, babe." Time to break the bad news. "I hate to love ya and leave ya, but I got a few hundred-thousand dead Grecians to clean up after."

"That's okay." Surprising to hear how understanding she was. I was expecting her to be, y'know, disappointed. "I'm not going anywhere, as per our deal."

Ah, so she was content so long as she could stay. I didn't have a problem with that. That was fine by me~

"I wouldn't have it any other way~" I tried to squeeze one last blush from her cheeks. It worked.

So I'd end up being dragged back to work so soon after my first breath of freedom. It almost made me wish I'd stayed put, if not for a twist of fate. It was back to business with one exception, I had somebody waiting for me at the end of it.

I had a feeling things were gonna be pretty interesting from now on, if I could survive the next few days without blowing myself up in the process. Look, I can't help it. I don't take stress well, I get burned on stress. Good thing this time round I had a lady-friend to keep me cool. That is, if she didn't warm me up all over again, if you know what I mean.

So yea, I was all ready to blow this place, but there was one last drop of sweet curiosity tempting me to tug a few more heartstrings. Or at least fire one last question.

"Hey, one last thing before I skedaddle." I smirked. "What's with that accent?" I couldn't help but notice she talked funny, so she sure as heck wasn't from my neighbourhood.

I gave a smile, and I got smile. Even if this one had a little more modesty to it. "It's British. I don't think it exists yet."

Y'know, as hot as I am, I'm still a badguy. And sometimes, I can't resist the odd taunt. "Sounds like you've been hitting the temple wine too hard."

Hey, I was just kidding around, even she'd know that. Although to tell ya the truth I couldn't guarantee it. I didn't know what kind of look she gave me this time, I was too smug to have cared. Besides, it was time to get back to business. Dead people don't look after themselves, unfortunately.

I swayed through the arch and out of the hall, with those pesky little imps following close behind.

"You guys are real party poopers, you know that?"