Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 2: 9th July, 1999

Ok, so now I am not only questioning my decision making abilities, but also my morality. I haven't said anything to anyone obviously, but I feel terrible. Is it wrong to still enjoy the sex? Is it wrong to want such physical things even if it is with someone whom I now realize I don't want to be bonded with for the rest of my life? Or perhaps wanting doesn't matter in this case. I married him. I married Ronald of my own volition and I shouldn't break that vow.

I have to say, he was rather decent about things when I asked him if it was alright if we don't have children right away. I thought he'd be furious, but instead he just nodded and said it was up to me. That, honestly, made my head hurt because it is very rare that he is so, accepting of things that do not directly align with his initial interests. Now that I have come to this conclusion and have begun writing it down, I am certain that things will be different between us, if only just to spite me. The world does seem to enjoy doing so.

I need to be organized about this. I need to get my thoughts together in a way that will allow me to tackle this in a more academic stream. I feel like that is the only way I am going to be able to wrap my head around this in any cohesive manner.

My first goal has to be to find my parents. I am married to Ronald, but I have to take care of my parents. I need to find them. Unfortunately when I traveled to Australia to search for them, their trail ran cold after arriving. This is of course what happens when you wipe the memories of your parents and send them off without a chaperone. Damn it! But I've cried enough about this I don't need to be doing that now. I do of course worry that I may never be able to find them again. Maybe something bad happened to them. I hope not. God I hope not.

Next I suppose I should determine exactly what my options are. If I don't lay them out I am just going to swirl them about in my head like Harry says I do before exams. Observant prat.

Option 1 is of course to push through and fight against myself to make this work. This is the most "right" thing to do as far as the grand scale of things goes. By that I suppose I mean that as far as everyone around us is concerned. Though that may be foolish to think. If I end up miserable is that not worse than doing what I must? I do not know if I could ever love Ronald like I know now I do Harry, but I do know my mind. I have the potential to do what I must and I know I could convince myself I am happy, even without the love ingredient. For the greater good, as Dumbledore would say. Do I push through and try to love him and try to forget about how I feel for Harry?

Option 2 is to be open with Ronald and tell him how I feel. I think that it would either end up in the first option or a third. Either way it isn't a very likely one to end up with happiness. Considering his jealousy struggles, this might break him and I don't foresee him ever getting past it even if we stay together.

Option 3 is to tell him and Harry, and, if Harry and Ron were both amenable, we take care of this amicably. I don't like this option, for obvious reasons.

Option 4 is I leave all of them behind and go for being a spinster because why ruin all friendships right? Yeah, no. I deserve good things once and a while too.

Option 5. I leave Ron and hope that Harry is either in a similar mind set, or is open to considering. The primary issue with this is his current relationship with Ginny. I don't want to hurt anyone. It would be selfish to approach any of these but the first option, and yet, should I risk being miserable just for everyone else's peace of mind?

The last is of course the one I truly want the most. But again, wanting isn't necessarily the right thing to do. So much to consider.

Harry is, after all, dating Ginny. From what he has confided in me I know he is hesitant to lock this thing down since he is worried about his ability to be a good husband and father. I've been trying to explain that he already is and that they are clearly happy together, but he is really hung up on this. Curse the Dursleys. Ginny and I aren't as close as we used to be in school. Personally I think this is because we just aren't really all that similar and we only spent time together at Hogwarts because there were so few people available to us. Oh we get along alright, but there isn't much beyond basic familial appreciation. The evil part of me wants to hate her for being with Harry, but obviously that side isn't all that logical.

I know that if I were religious then this entire thing would be void as I could never go through with any of the above options save the first, and in a way I wish I were. If only for the simple and sweet validation of knowing exactly what to do without deliberation. I am not however and so I am left to struggle with making my own decisions about morality. For once I am jealous of those who hold faith for the unknown. Blissful escape from these thoughts would be incredible right now.

Next, I need to find out how Harry feels about me. Yes this only matters based upon certain options, but either way I think it might help to see if I can find out somehow. If he isn't interested in any way then it would make this loads easier. As to how I am supposed to go about this, I have no clue. I'm terrified more than anything when it comes down to it.

Also, though I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, I should consider therapy. I know I don't have any mental illnesses or anything but having someone to talk to could possibly help and provide clarity and perspective. I am worried about telling someone else about all of these concerns, but still, all options should be considered in this situation.

This is not a goal, but it is still important. Under no circumstances am I to resort to alcohol as a nullifier to my emotions. That would be the worst thing I could do in this situation.

Maybe it should be a goal though. If I specifically allow a certain amount each week then it will be easier to stick to and determine if it is or could become a problem. Yes, that is the best thing for it. Might as well.

I know what I want and that is Harry. Is it right to want this? Of that I am unsure. Is it wrong to break apart the bonds we have all made together just to get what I want? Probably. How does someone even begin to determine this.

Either way, for now and until I know what I am doing, I am going to continue with birth control. Based on his reaction today, and if it continues as such, Ronald doesn't have a problem with it. The last thing I would want to do is bring a child in to this world unless I am damn certain that I can provide a safe, loving, and stable environment for them. Those are all required and none of them shall be loosened. I have to have some things I cling to after all. Even when so much is unstable right now, I need to have a security blanket of determinations that hold me steady.

Ultimately, I would like to write in this journal every day. I think I would like to just call it a journal rather than a diary. While it is just as personal as one would expect for a diary, I just prefer the word journal and the connotations that come along with it. Daily writing won't be guaranteed, but I can try at least can't I? Also, I was not going to add the dates in initially, but considering I think it would be best. If only to manage them and make sure I can properly refer back to things in the future. I'll go back and insert the date for yesterday just to maintain continuity.

Considering how all of these things make me feel, I am excited for our honeymoon next week. We will be leaving in a couple of days on Sunday for the states. We talked about this for a while and decided that neither of us wants to just lay around doing nothing. So we settled on touring the east coast of the states. Ronald wants to scope out the quidditch teams there and see how they stack up to our own, and I of curse can't wait to see all of the history. Even though it is such a young country, there is so much history there. And best of all, most of it is preserved. Oh it is going to be incredible! I'll try not to bore him too much but he did agree to it, and he agreed not to torment me with quidditch. At least I can bring a book to the matches, though on second, more like dozenth thought, I really shouldn't. I should actually try to enjoy it for him, just like he will with my interests. Even if I choose a different option, I am going to try my hardest to make this work, he deserves that from me.

For now,

Friendship, Bravery and love.