Chapter 5

The Problem with Mortals

Life's not fair, peeps. Even immortal life. Right now as I speak, my brother's up there living the good life. The guy's got his head in the clouds, he doesn't even know just how good he has it. He's the ruler of all the other big-shots, the mortals adore him, he even gets harpy chicks waiting on his every demand. And what do I get?… A giant hold in the ground.

No harpy chicks waiting on me. Just a pair of numbskulls who thought they could run this place without me. Those dimwits couldn't run a bath. I'd been away for only a matter of weeks and they'd still managed to screw things up.

The first thing I noticed was the river. It wasn't as full as it should have been. What? Had everybody stop dying? Pft, if only. Until those boneheads on the surface discover the elixir of immortal life I'm stuck in a dead end job. So no, it wasn't my dream come true, it was just a case of missing souls. And I had to rely on those dumb imps to tell me where in this big empty Underworld they'd drifted off to. Hey, they were the only ones able to see what was going on the whole time I was down and out.

"You see, after you were gone, they eventually they stopped going into the river on their own." That fatso Pain had the gall to smile at me at a time like this. Even his lanky partner in crime wasn't as jittery as usual.

"Yeah-yeah, and then they started drifting all around the Underworld and popping up all over the place."

Y'know, their relaxed attitudes had me concerned, like they had no idea how much trouble they'd landed themselves in. Besides, they weren't even answering my question. "So where are the bozos now?" I told it to them straight.

With the dumbest smile on his face, Panic pointed a claw towards the top of the cavern. "Well, most of them are up there."

I looked up to where the scrawny schnook was pointing and my buggy eyes almost popped out of my face. There they were, about sixty-feet up, floating around on the ceiling. On the damn ceiling! The moment I spotted them they flinched. Were these noaccount lowlifes trying to hide from me?

"What the name of Aphrodite's ass are they doing up there!?"

At last, a twinge of fear from those two halfwits, although they still had to cough up an answer.

"There was nobody here to put them in the river." They shivered.

That was their excuse? "You were here." I growled just loud enough for them to hear me. But after what they blurted out next I wasn't sure if they heard me or not.

"It really wasn't so bad." The tubby one shrugged at me. "These dead guys turned out to be a lot of fun."

Fun? Fun!? What this imp talking about? I was still trying to figure it out when his skinny green friend joined in.

"You know, mortals can be so cool once you get to know them. One of them could even do bunny shadows."

…Was this what they'd been doing? The whole time I was out of business? Instead of taking the time to clean up the mess left behind by all the lowly souls in this Zeus-forsaken dump, these two morons were throwing a party with the dead!?

One flicker of orange was all it took, and those moronic dunderheads knew what was coming. "You knew about this… You knew…they were here…all this time. And WHAT did you DO ABOUT IT!?" Here's a lesson in stress management, peeps. When you're huffed up, singe the dorks who ticked you off. "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!?"

"Um, Hades?"

"WHAT!?" Whoever it was they were about to be cremated, you could guarantee it!

I turned round, still burning and still ready to blow them apart. …Blue eyes, black skirt, a timid little frown on a peachy round face… …Woops.

This was the second time I'd lost it in front of the doll. I gotta get that temper under control. Cool it, hotshot. We got a lady in the house.

I tried, but I can't always come down as fast as I blow up. I closed my eyes up tight and took a deep breath. I was cool for now but I had a lot of mess going on here. I didn't know how long this timeout was gonna last.

I couldn't tell it with charm this time, I could only tell it to her straight. "Look. Babe. I'm busy, what is it?"

The broad fumbled around, looking away like she was getting herself worked up. "Um, it's a bit difficult to say."

Look, just because I didn't feel up to flirting didn't mean I was gonna be mean. I didn't wanna lose her respect. "Hey, no problem. Just spit it out."

The doll kept on fidgeting. "Um. There's something I need…to ask."

I was trying so hard to be nice. But she'd caught me at a bad time, she really had, and at that moment all I wanted was for her to run along and leave me to work. This chick was beating around the bush and I didn't have time for it. "Listen, sweetheart, I haven't got all day. Would you just tell me what it is?"

She took a few deep breaths. I gotta say, whatever it was, it gave her stagefright. Must have been something pretty important to get so her worked up.

"Um, is, um, everything in the Underworld only designed to look after dead people? And you?"

…Was that it? That's what got her all stressed out? Even though I doubted it I leaped at the first chance I to usher her away.

"It sure is." I just about managed a smile that time. "Now if you don't mind, I've got work to do and I don't have time for trivia."

"I'm not here for trivia." The broad came back at me. "I haven't asked what I need to ask yet."

Ugh, jeeze. I was getting impatient by this point. "Then make it quick."

"I intend to!" Now it was the broad's turn to get antsy. "I need…something."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I face palmed. What was with this chick!?

"I'm a mortal!" She squealed. "I need stuff! I need food and water and…other things!"

…Ah… Now I got it.

Y'know, the Underworld ain't exactly the same as hell. But there's one tiny little notion that remains the same. Eternity without relief. So if this doll was planning on going to the bathroom while she was here then she needed a reality check. Hey, those are the facts. If she doesn't like it, tough. She should have thought about this before coming here.

I turned my back, I really didn't know how I was gonna deal with this one. "See this is why nobody takes a vacation down here.".

"Quite." The little hussy huffed. "Now please. What do I do? Help me."

I didn't even look at her. "I can't."

But she wasn't about to give up. "Why not?"

"I can't make you leave this place, remember?" Duh. "That's part of the deal."

Yeah, I dropped a little hit, and for once she caught on. "You mean I have to go to the surface to get what I need?"

"Y-ep." That's as black and white as it gets. No bathrooms in the Underworld. You want go? You gotta blow.

"Then tell me how to get there." She whined at me again. "You can't make me leave, but if it's the only way to get what I need then right now I want to. So long as I can get back." Yeesh, this chick wasn't so sweet now that she was demanding.

I looked over my shoulder, just enough to look her in the eye. "You wanna leave?" Dumb question for a dumb broad.

"And come back when I'm done." And the crabby little drama queen folded her arms and put the onus on me to solve her problem.

It was easy enough, and hey, it solved both problems at the same time.

"And you can't stop me coming back. If you do then you'll break-" Poof! I click my fingers and just like that, she was gone.

So what if I cut her off in mid rant? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd heard it all before. I knew the rules. She didn't have to tell me. The broad was just wasting my time.

Look, don't get me wrong, I was still interested. I still liked the doll and I still adored the idea of keeping her around. But now wasn't a good time. I get burned on stress and I didn't wanna burn her too, if you know what I mean.

Besides, if she was gonna keep turning on the drama then she was only gonna make things worse. For the both of us.